Just a Geek

by Wil Wheaton

  I wrote you a letter, and you never answered, jackass.

  Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. I have all the letters I’ve gotten over the past two years or so, and I’m gonna hire someone to help me out, so I can reply to them all.

  Will you come over to my house and tell my brother to stop leaving the toilet seat up?

  Yes. Just as soon as you tell your mom to stop calling me. I was drunk, and it was a one-time thing.

  * * *

  [17] The interview was for the website Ain’t It Cool News and can be found here: http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=6627

  [18] This FAQ is taken directly from WIL WHEATON dot NET.

  Appendix B. Selected Interviews

  AS MY WEBSITE GAINED POPULARITY, I did several interviews. This appendix contains two of them. The first is from BBspot, a website that satirizes just about everything, particularly technological issues. The second is from Slashdot.org, a website that contains “News for Nerds, Stuff That Matters.”

  BBSPOT.COM

  The original story, complete with hilarious pictures and links, can be found at http://www.bbspot.com/Features/2001/10/11_questions_wil.html.

  11 QUESTIONS WITH WIL WHEATON

  Real interviews with real people. Unlike the rest of BBspot, there’s nothing made up here. I know it’s a difficult transition, but I’m not fooling. We did e-mail these questions and these were the responses.

  In the first of what will be a continuing series, Wil Wheaton of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Stand By Me, and Python fame subjects himself to 11 questions from BBspot. Enjoy!

  BBspot (1): All the geeks want to know, what kind of computer system you have and what games do you play on it? Processor? OS? Details, please.

  Wil: Oh boy. Well, all the geeks are going to rejoice when they hear that the box they use for target practice is probably superior to mine. My computer was built from zero by me and my friend. It’s a Pentium 2, 128 megs of ram, uh . . . I have some kind of swell video card that does all those 3DFX things, and a crappy soundblaster sound card. My brother and I just crammed a bunch of big hard drives into the case and put in a new CD-ROM drive, so we’re completely out of space inside. Tell you what, if I ever find Gordon Moore, I’m gonna kick him in the neck.

  Put it this way: when it was built, it was hot, like Jolene Blalock. Now, it’s more like Teri Hatcher: hot in it’s day, but now it’s just sad.

  The games I play these days are Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction, Unreal Tournament, and MAME.

  Oh, and I’m running Windows 2000, because I’m too lame for Linux. But some day . . . oh, some day I will learn Linux, and then, from Hell’s dark heart I will stab at thee![19]

  BBspot (2): Did you learn anything important about being an actor when doing Stand By Me, or did it just help you meet chicks?

  Wil: Meeting chicks? Dude. I was 13. If you had put a naked girl and a 720 degrees set to free play in front of me, I would have said, “Skate or die!” as I pushed her aside.

  Come to think it, things haven’t changed too much . . .

  BBspot (3): Were you nervous working with OJ on the set of Hambone and Hillie?

  Wil: There are very few times in my life that I am grateful to not be a blonde woman. Being around OJ was one of those times. Poor, poor OJ. He’s been able to convince only 12 people in the whole world that he’s not a murderer. Personally, I think Gary Condit is The Real Killer.

  BBspot (4): Who would you like to see yourself pitted against in MTV’s Celebrity Death Match and why?

  Wil: Britney Spears. But we’d fight it out Pam Grier/Cleopatra Jones-style: in the first minute, I’d rip off her shirt, we’d scream “Bitch” at each other, and then we’d do it to sweet-ass 70s porn music. Hit me baby, one more time!

  BBspot (5): Did you feel like your character suffered from an Oedipus complex in Star Trek: The Next Generation? I mean, your mom was really hot, and your dad died under cloudy circumstances.

  Wil: When Wesley’s dad died, Wesley was so traumatized, he had to spend many, many nights sleeping in Dr. Crusher’s quarters . . . and the therapeutic sponge baths really helped with the grieving process. Oh, and the oral sex.

  BBspot (6): Do you have a tactful way of telling Star Trek: The Next Generation fans who can’t separate Wesley from Wil to get a life? I mean, it WAS just a TV show . . .

  Wil: Yeah, it goes something like this: “Dude? What’s your fucking problem?” Notice I didn’t say “loser.”

  BBspot (7): You said you left Hollywood for five years because you “needed to get away from the Evils of Hollywood for a while.” Now that you have returned, how are you dealing with the Evils?

  Wil: Sometimes you have to take some time away from the Evils to really appreciate how much those Evils mean to you. We had a trial separation, and during that time, I realized that I was just suspicious of the Evils because of some intimacy issues I had, due to experiences as a child. The Evils came to see that we can’t change each other, and we need to respect our differences, and celebrate them. We still have a stormy relationship, but the Evils and I watch Dr. Phil every week. Although I am beginning to suspect that The Evils and Dr. Phil speak to each other in some Evil-speak that only they and Oprah can understand.

  BBspot (8): When the Titanic sunk and that Leo guy froze to death, did you secretly rejoice, or did you throw a Dead Leo party?

  Wil: The captain of the Titanic was a Leo? I heard he was a Capricorn. Let that be a lesson to you about believing everything you read.

  BBspot (9): How did you avoid becoming an E! True Hollywood Story like Corey Feldman or River Phoenix?

  Wil: I think it has something to do with the lack of drugs in my life. Funny, being so uncool as a teenager kept me away from all that stuff. That’s right kids, if you want to be cool, use lots of drugs. Oh, and then OD and die in front of the Viper Room. That’s the COOLEST!

  BBspot (10): How does it feel to have a site like this on the Net? Does it make you more popular with the girls or old men? Oh and can you hook me up with some better shots those are a little grainy, maybe put them in your online store?[20]

  Wil: That site makes me feel like a camwhore without the wish list.

  BBspot (11): Tell us why you’re doing WilWheaton.net and about future plans for you and the site?

  Wil: It’s all part of my Bavarian Illuminatti-driven plot to rule the world. Now that you’ve read that, we’re coming for you with our Orbital Mind Control Lasers.

  SLASHDOT.ORG

  The original thread at Slashdot, complete with user comments as well as some of my own, can be found at http://interviews.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=01/10/29/173252.

  ASK WIL WHEATON ANYTHING

  Wil Wheaton is our latest interview victim. Best known here as Wesley Crusher on TNG, Wil has a history doing movies both good (Stand by Me) and, uh, otherwise. His movie, The Good Things, just won the grand prize at the 27th Festival of American Cinema at Deuville. His current project is Jane White Is Sick & Twisted. A big thanks to Wil for taking the time to answer so many of our questions.

  THOSE SILLY AUTOMATIC DOORS

  By wikki on 07:36 AM October 15th, 2001

  When you were on the set of TNG, did you ever find yourself running into the automatic doors when there was no one there to open them for you? How about at your house or other places? Was this a problem for any of the other cast members? Did you ever find yourself going to grocery stores and running in and out of the doors just to make you feel better?

  This happened all the time. We’d get so used to those doors opening when we approached them that we’d keep going right into them if they didn’t. It was very embarrassing when I’d be taking some friends on a tour of the sets, and I’d expect the doors to open, and they wouldn’t. Sometimes it would happen during work, because the FX guys wouldn’t get their cue, or someone would decide to enter a scene early. One time, Jonathan was in the turbolift on the bridge and decided that he’d come into the scene a little bit earlier than we’
d rehearsed. So I’m sitting in my chair, Patrick is going on and on about the Prime Directive or something, and there is this loud CRASH! from the turbolift. We all turn around to look, and the doors slowly open (like the FX guy is scared to open the door), and Jonathan is on the floor. I think it was Michael Dorn who was in the turbolift with him, and he is standing over him, just pointing and laughing. We did a lot of that on TNG. The pointing and laughing, I mean.

  Those doors do have a legacy that cascades into my current work. They were loud when they opened and closed, sort of like a sliding glass door. So the sound man would ask us to hold our dialogue until the doors were open or closed. Go watch TNG and watch for it. We rarely speak when doors are opening or closing on screen, because we’d have to re-record the dialogue later in ADR.[21] The thing is, even though I’ve been off the show for years, when I’m doing a movie today, I still don’t talk when doors are opening or closing. Even if they’re normal doors.

  One time, I was at the grocery store, walking through the doors in a wistful attempt to recapture the magic, and I was attacked by some Girl Scouts. Apparently, they were trying to sell those damn cookies (which are Soylent Green, by the way—you heard it here, first), and I was scaring off the potential customers. Those Girl Scouts are very territorial, and they’ll stab you in the neck if you don’t watch it.

  WHERE’S THE PARTIES, DUDE?

  By imrdkl on 07:48 AM October 15th, 2001

  Seriously, how much time do you spend reading techie sites like Slashdot and keeping up with the issues? I see lots of nice links and banners on your webpage that seem to advocate. How would you “rate your geekness”? Is setting up your own server really fun for you, or just another way to score babes? :-)

  Thanks, I enjoy a lot of your work.

  Well, here’s my geek code:

  - - -BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK - - - Version: 3.12 GPA d - ( - -) s:- a- C++++ UL P>++ L+>++++ E - W+++ N+ o- K- w++++> - - O - M+ V - PS++(+++) PE Y++ PGP++>+++ t++@($) 5 X+++ R++ tv - b+++ DI+D++G++ e*>++++ h - - r+++ y+++ - - - END GEEK CODE BLOCK - - -

  I’ve been reading /. (Slashdot) for a few years. It was my home page for a while, even. I check in a few times a day, so I can keep up on what’s going on and complain that none of my submissions are ever taken. The issues that I am most passionate about are Privacy and YRO (Your Rights Online). Every chance I get, I bug these guys to publish a quarterly YRO journal. Unfortunately, every chance has been once.

  Setting up my own server is still beyond my abilities, but it is something I will be able to do, someday. Often, when I’m in a “down cycle,” or whatever the buzzword is for not working for months at a time, I think about getting a “fall back” job, so I could have a regular day job if I ever needed it. Recently, I’ve been thinking very seriously about pursuing a CCNA (Cisco Certified Network Associate).

  BORN A GEEK, OR DID ST PUSH YOU IN THAT DIRECTION?

  By anvilmark on 12:27 PM October 15th, 2001

  Did you have a technical inclination prior to T:TNG ? Did you become more/less interested in tech from your ST experience? If so, in what ways?

  Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been interested in science and engineering. Unfortunately, my complete inability to do simple mathematics (when I got my SATs back, it said “3% of people who take this will score higher than you” in the verbal section—it said 95%"would score higher than me in math) really interferes with my ability to take my interests further than just a hobby. I built one of those crystal radio kits when I was 8 though . . . that was pretty cool. And I *did* assimilate lots of other computers to make mine.

  I’ve been a voracious reader my whole life, reading mostly non-fiction books, up until I was about 13 or 14, when I read Ringworld . . . something about reading that book . . . it was like a switch was turned on inside my head, and I suddenly couldn’t get enough of science fiction. I read all of Niven’s books, then nearly everything Asimov had ever penned . . . Ender’s Game . . .all of what are considered the classics, I guess. During that time, I developed this insatiable desire to understand the science behind the science fiction, so I read many of Asimov’s nonfiction books, starting with his Guide to Earth and Space. I think that Asimov is truly one of the greatest authors of all time. For actors, his Guide to Shakespeare is required reading. Anyway, after reading some of his books, I read The Mind’s Sky, A Brief History of Time, and, finally, Hyperspace. It was really cool to be reading about all that theory and acting it out at the same time. I wonder if any of the other actors got it when there’d be a graphic in engineering labeled “Kaluza-Klein Field.”

  I spent hundreds of hours, over the years hanging out with Rick Sternbach (in addition to all his great contributions to Trek, Rick also illustrated the cover of Tales of Known Space, and autographed my copy, which was cool) and Mike Okuda, in the art department, asking them all about what made the ship go (because I look for things . . . things to make me go . . .), and making sure that I was touching the buttons in the correct sequence to do whatever I was supposed to be doing. Once, in 10th or 11th grade, I had to write a research paper, and I got permission from my teacher to do it on the fictional technology of Star Trek, focusing on propulsion. This was before Mike and Denise had written their books, so I actually had to interview the Techies on our show. (Oh, I guess they like to be called “Tech-ers.” Sorry.) Anyway, I had to conduct interviews with them and buy some of the fan-authored books . . . but the final project was really cool, and I was forever able to explain to tour groups exactly what each thing in the engine room did.

  Wow. I am realizing what a super geek I am. But that makes me cool, right? Right?

  I’ve just remembered something that I haven’t thought about in years. Sorry for the tangent. I know this is sort of off-topic, but you can’t mod me down! *cackle* Ahh, the sweet, sweet elixir of corrupting power!

  Once, I was at a Los Angeles-area convention—not as a guest, but as a convention attendee, complete with badge and geeky T-shirt. I’m thinking it was LosCon, but I’m not sure. It’s not important. The important thing is, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time, and I walked into a room where there were lots of authors signing books. One of the authors there was Larry Niven. I just about gave birth. I had just finished reading Ringworld and Ringworld Engineers, and I was in the middle of Tales of Known Space. I had even bought a copy of Ringworld while I was at this con, I think as a gift or something, without knowing that Niven was there. So I ran up to him, and the exchange went something like this:

  Me: Oh my god! You’re Larry Niven!,

  Him: Oh my god! You’re Wil Wheaton!

  Me: I love your books so much! [Insert huge geek out here]

  Him: I love you on Star Trek! [Insert minor geek out here]

  Me: Really?!

  Him: Really?!

  Me: Yes!

  Him: Yes!

  Together: Can I have your autograph?!

  No kidding. That really happened, and it was just amazing. I will never forget that. Stuff like that happens sometimes, and I always love it when I meet someone who I admire, and they’re just as excited to meet me. When I was working on Flubber, one of the other actors—I think it was Clancy Brown—came up to me on the first day and said, “Wil. I have to come out of the closet.” I thought it was weird that he was coming out to me, but I said, “Okay . . . .?” And he says, “I am a huge Star Trek fan. I didn’t want that to get in the way of our work.”

  I looked at him, and said, “Clancy, Robin Williams is a huge Star Trek fan, too. . . and THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

  And I cut off his head.

  WESLEY CRUSHER JOKES

  By DarkDust on 07:58 AM October 15th, 2001

  As you mentioned on your FAQ page, the Wesley Crusher character from TNG was target of some not very complementary jokes. But are there any Wesley Crusher jokes that you liked ?

  I can’t recall any that I thought were very funny, actually. They are all pretty much just variations on the same theme, and I just don’t
find being sodomized by a Klingon to be the height of humor. Unless it’s animated by Terry Gilliam.

  There is a funny story that involves the whole “put Wesley in the airlock” phenomenon . . . I wrote about it at my site a few weeks ago, and I’ll reprint it here:

  It was my fanatical love of The Prisoner[22] that allowed me to understand why anyone would want to wear a spacesuit and go to a convention. Because I used to have a lame little Number 6 pin, and I would wear it to game cons, back in the day.

  This reminds me of this one time I went to a huge game con, and some guy was selling “Put Wesley In The Airlock” buttons. I went up to his table, and he saw me coming and tried to hide them, but I got there too fast and took one. While I was looking at it, I could see the huge drops of sweat falling off his Hutt-like visage, and I asked him, “How much?” He told me $2.50, or something like that, so I bought it and wore it on my Batman T-shirt the rest of the day. That was cool.

  ENTERPRISE

  By abde on 08:00 AM October 15th, 2001

  I liked your brief appearance in the Sprite commercial :) My question is, have you thought about sticking with the Star Trek franchise? With Enterprise, the franchise is taking a new direction, in which the characters are more human and not ultra-competent Utopians. Have you considered trying for a part, recurring or otherwise?