by K. M. Galvin
“No need to get panicked over it, Bellamy. If you don’t want to talk about it yet, that’s ok.”
“I, uh-“ I cough again and stare out the window. “I didn’t know it could feel like this, Nat,” I say faintly.
“Like what?” she prods.
“I didn’t know there was a difference between having sex and making love. I know we call them different things, but I didn’t fully understand.” I grimace, afraid she’ll make fun of me.
“Is that what you did last night?”
“I told myself to keep it light, but he just has this way. It’s so easy with him. Effortless. It’s like we’ve been friends for years and I have no problem talking to him. About anything. He is always in sync with me. He always knows my mind before I do sometimes.”
“Bellamy,” Natalie laughs, “those are good things! Why do you sound so pissed?”
“Because he’s so good at being there for everyone else, it’s like a distraction. A slight of hand. I don’t know what he wants or if he wants me the same way. He’s confused about his career and I don’t want to add to that.”
Natalie scoffs. “Ok, stop. He’s a grown ass man. Let him own those decisions. This doesn’t have to be a guessing game, just ask.”
Now it’s my turn to scoff. “Sure. I just ask him. Why didn’t I think of that? I mean it’s only my heart on the line.”
“Do you love him?” Natalie asks bluntly.
“I something him.” I’m not ready to commit to love, but I know it’s something close to it.
“Look, just let it be for right now. We’ve got some time here; see how he is in his own domain. Being away from home has a way of distorting things. You may find things you don’t like about him.”
“It’s like you’re trying to talk me out of my feelings,” I laugh.
“No, I’m not. I’m just saying the Caleb at the beginning might be the Caleb when he’s home. See how he is. Be with him. Spend time alone for the first time in months. Meet his friends and family. Get familiar with your feelings, and when we leave for Vegas and you have a better idea of what you want, see where he is. It’s only complicated if you make it so.”
“Since when are you such a love guru?” I stare at this new version of my best friend.
“Since I took this same advice and figured my shit out with Logan.”
“Y’all didn’t wait for alone time,” I point out.
She shrugs. “Logan makes it a point to shove his personality in peoples’ face. He’s unapologetic about himself and always speaks his mind. We didn’t have this uncertainty. When things shifted into something serious, it was tumultuous only because we’re stubborn and didn’t like that we fell in love despite our original agreement.”
I snort. “Original agreement. You guys are so weird.”
Natalie slaps the steering wheel “As opposed to y’all two? The weird conjoined friends? Meep meep, we can read each other’s minds, meep,” she says in a robotic voice.
“We are not like that!” I yell in mock outrage.
“Meep we only eat off one plate meep,” she continues, and it sends me into hysterics.
“Oh ok, as opposed to, ‘Natalie, baby, let me put a clock on my cock and give you a hard time.’” I lower my voice to mimic Logan’s and send Natalie into peals of laughter.
She bends over the steering wheel; laughing so hard she has to wipe her eyes. “Holy shit! I am so telling him that one. Bellamy, you dirty girl. Why hasn’t this shown up in your books?”
“Max would never!” I outrage, my hand on my chest before smiling.
“Oh right, he’s more ‘Get on the bed and show me that pussy,’” she says in a low voice.
“Ew! Stop!” I clasp my hands over my ears and gag.
“You don’t like that word?” she teases.
“God, not when you say it!”
“Oh! So it’s ok when Summer says it?” Natalie leers.
“We’ve got to come up with a better nickname for Caleb. He’s not a douche,” I think aloud.
“You can’t change a nickname after months of using it,” Natalie argues.
I shrug and fall silent for the rest of the ride. Natalie turns the radio back on as if the quiet is stifling to her too. It’s so weird to not hear Logan joking or pointing out something historical as we drive through some random town. He’s like a giant fact machine.
Or to feel that pull when Caleb is near me. We’ve been in the car for thirty minutes and there’s been no Caleb to reach into my snack bag to steal a treat or to tug on my ponytail. Logan hasn’t glanced in the rearview to wink when he knows he’s grossed me out. Three months with people, near constant contact, and now nothing. It’s odd. I feel off, like something is missing.
“Natalie, don’t laugh, but I-“ I begin, but she cuts me off.
“-miss them? Me too,” she finishes. “We see them tomorrow. We’re not these clingy, co-dependent girls,” she affirms, and I nod. She pulls off the highway and I sit up in my seat, glad for the distraction.
“Are we almost there?” I fidget, ready to get out of this car. I pat the dashboard—no offense car, but I need out.
“Five minutes!” She waves her phone to show me the navigation.
I roll down the window and can hear the waves crashing against the rocks below us. The road winds like a snake against the rock cliffs and I take a deep breath, letting the scent of salt and sea cleanse me.
Natalie turns onto a rocky driveway and the headlights illuminate a small bungalow shrouded in trees. It’s cute, private, and has a great view of the ocean. It probably cost us a pretty penny, but after nothing but hotels and planes, I’m willing to drop a few dimes for something like this.
I hop out of the car as Natalie goes to the lock box on the door handle and enters a code for the keys. I open the trunk and stare at all our luggage.
And I continue to stare. This is the last thing I want to do right now.
“Hey Nat?” I yell.
“What?” she hollers back.
“You good with leaving all this to unload in the morning? I’m too tired. I just want to strip and get into bed.”
“Fine!” she calls out, and I hear the front door open.
I close the trunk and follow her inside. I move into the small kitchen and open the fridge. The homeowner was kind enough to stock it with some essentials, so we won’t go hungry tonight.
Bless you stranger!
I pad across the wide plan hardwoods and look out towards the ocean, which is easy considering the entire back of the house is giant glass sliding doors. Gorgeous.
“Bell, there’s some shampoo and soap in the bathroom,” Natalie calls out, and I follow her voice into one of the bedrooms.
It’s like this place was made for relaxation. The soft blue walls and white down comforter immediately make me think of the sky. There’s a small dresser in the corner and a nightstand to the right of the bed; other than that, there is no furniture in the room.
Minimalist. I like it.
“I call this room!” I yell, and then head to the other door in the room I presume leads to that bathroom.
I open it to reveal a large Jack and Jill with a smiling Natalie. Glancing through her open door I see a carbon copy of my room.
The bathroom has a large claw foot tub and a beautifully tiled shower. Fluffy white towels are laid out on the granite double vanity.
“I call first shower,” I say immediately, and Natalie scowls.
“Fine, I’ll go whip something up.” She goes to leave but shakes a finger at me. “Don’t take long. This house is great, but it’s old. You better not use all the hot water.”
I salute her and begin undressing before she even closes the door. I’m so ready for some intense water pressure. Wash the road off me.
HOURS LATER AFTER FALLING INSTANTLY asleep, the sliding of my covers over my skin wakes me up. I startle and go to scream, but a familiar mouth covers mine.
“It’s just me, baby,” Caleb says quietly as
his body curls around mine.
“What the hell?” I whisper, fighting to stay awake because… what the hell? But I’m so tired.
“Natalie let me in. She left to go see Logan,” he explains, nuzzling my warm skin.
“What time is it?” I mumble, relaxing back into my pillow.
“A little after five in the morning. I want you to come somewhere with me.”
I whimper, “Caleb, come on. It’s my first night in a real bed and it’s five in the morning. Let me sleep.”
“Come on, it’s bucket list time.” He kisses my ear, then my cheek and, as if he wasn’t expecting me to taste so good, continued down my body.
“Caleb,” I moan in a halfhearted protest, but what girl in her right mind was going to turn down this.
“I’m waking you up,” he mouths against my naked lower belly. I didn’t want to put my dirty clothes back on after showering, so I went to bed naked. “It’s so nice of you to be naked in bed for me.”
“This wasn’t for you,” I protest even as I widen my legs to accommodate his shoulders.
He looks up from his position lounged between my legs and smiles like a cat with the canary before kissing the inside of one of my thigh. “This is all for me.”
I want to argue, but he gives me a long lick and sucks my clit into his mouth. My back bows off the bed on a gasp. “Jesus Caleb, be careful. I’m going to demand to be woken up like this every morning.”
“Don’t threaten me with a good time, baby,” he chuckles and adds his fingers into the mix.
In no time I’m crying out, tiny tears escaping from the corners of my eyes. Is it going to be like this every time? I don’t know if I can survive it.
Caleb collapses next to me and hugs me to him. I turn so my face is snuggled in between his shoulder and neck, inhaling his unique scent, something that’s become such a comfort to me. I’m like one of Pavlov’s pups. Trained by repetition of the familiar. Ask me if I care.
“Why do you only call be ‘baby’ in the bedroom?” I kiss his neck, my tongue tasting salty skin, smiling as he shivers.
“I’m not sure. Probably because this is where I want to take care of you most. Where I want to pamper you and cater to you.” He rubs his hand up and down my arm, leaving goose bumps in its wake.
“I should find that weird, but I’m at the phase in our relationship where everything you do is cute,” I tell him honestly.
Caleb laughs softly. “Good to know. Now, not to harsh your glow, but I really need you to get up and dressed. I’m excited about this.”
I heave a sigh as if I’m bothered. “I guess it’s the least I can do after that.”
He gives my ass a gentle slap as I roll out of bed. Yelping, I go after him, but he takes off into the main room, leaving me to get ready.
Shaking my head, I smile to myself. This all felt way too natural. Every moment with him made me think “of course.”
Of course we have the same taste in music.
Of course he’d like all the things I don’t end up eating on my plate… or he just eats everything.
Of course he is the reflection of everything I love about myself, but also the magnifying glass to everything I don’t. He’s teaching me to love those parts too. It’s amazing what you can learn how to do when someone accepts you completely.
Even so, my anxiety is still there. This surprise he’s planning is already making my heart beat a little faster. I’m learning to find my breath and decide how much worrying is too much to be considered unproductive.
It’s not a forever fix, but it’s making it manageable.
All I can do is educate myself in all solutions. Speaking of education…
“Hey! Did you submit your application for your test?” I ask over a mouth full of toothpaste. I spit and move back into my bedroom.
“I will,” he yells back after a moment.
My brows wrinkle as I tug on a pair of cotton shorts and a hoodie. Slipping on some Toms, I grab my hair into a ponytail as I meet him out in the kitchen. “Why haven’t you don’t it yet? You’ve scored in the high nineties on all your practice tests.”
He drops a kiss on my mouth, hands me a travel mug filled with coffee, and heads to the back door.
“You going to answer me?” I persist, following him. Ducking when he slings a green duffle bag over his shoulder, I repeat, “Are you planning to murder me?”
Caleb drops his head back and I can practically hear him silently asking God for patience. “Blue Bell, let’s press pause on the interrogation and refocus. What’s left on your bucket list?”
I sip my coffee. “Um cut my hair, eat something strange, go to a club…” I trail off trying to remember. “Why didn’t I write these down?”
“Remember, club can be a strip club,” Caleb pipes up, and I slap his shoulder.
“Yes, Summer, I remember. I’ll go at this point just to shut you up about it. Even though it’s sad and they all have fake tits.”
“I have something in mind I think you’ll like.” A devilish look comes over his face, but it doesn’t worry me. I know he has my back.
“My list is in your hands,” I say with a dramatic flourish of my hand. “Oh! Eat something strange and drink a rainbow. And I don’t care what Logan says, eating a bunch of Skittles and swallowing the spit does not count as drinking a rainbow.”
“He’s disgusting!” Caleb takes my hand as we reach the steps that lead through the dunes. “Careful.”
“How can you see? Are you secretly a superhero?” I squint at my feet.
“The sun’s coming up enough that I can see. You need to get your prescription checked on your glasses.”
“How do you know?” I adjust them on my face, surprised. I don’t wear them often, usually just the mornings and right before bed.
“You squint when you wear them. They’re supposed to help you see, Bellamy.” He squeezes my hand.
“Hmm.”
“What else?” he continues.
I think for a minute and then it comes to me. “A Viking funeral. Caleb, are we about to witness a Viking funeral?!” I start bouncing on my heels and let go of his hand to run down the stairs, ignoring his shout to be careful. “Where is it?”
I walk down to the water and look down both sides of the beach.
“We’re the only ones out here,” I tell him when he reaches me.
“I know.” He drops the duffle carefully and bends to unzip.
“I knew it! I knew you were going to kill me. I’m the Viking funeral,” I mock cry.
“Will you stop?” He laughs in exasperation. “I need a hand.”
He hands me a wooden raft about the size of a coffee table book, complete with a sail. “Where did you get this?”
“Amazon.” He doesn’t quite say “duh”, but it’s close. “Now neither of us knows how to shoot an arrow, so we’ll just have to use matches.”
“What are we saying goodbye to?” I clutch the raft to my chest, beyond touched.
Caleb takes a deep breath and looks at me. The sunrise is just coming up over the horizon, but it’s catching the golden glint in his eyes and casting shadows on his face. He looks mystical, and I catch my breath.
“These.” He moves his hands up and for the first time I notice he’s holding something. It’s every book in the Night Stalker Series. “I’m not saying forget them. Just like no one does when someone dies, but it is time to let go of them, Bellamy. You have others to meet.”
It’s so overtly dramatic and slightly unhinged, but it’s exactly what I need. Makyla and Max are real people to me and I feel like I can’t write anything else. They’re all I’ve known for so long, my security blankets, but I’m not that lost little girl anymore. I don’t need fictional friends anymore; I have real ones.
“Is this too weird? Logan said I was a nut job.” Caleb’s insecurity is plain and I realize I’ve hesitated too long.
“No.” My voice breaks and I clear my throat. “It’s perfect. I love weird.”
Caleb leans forward to give my forehead a tender kiss. “Let’s be weird then.”
I set the raft down, rubbing the sail between my fingers. A smile touches my lips and I take the first book from Caleb’s hands.
“I think for so long I was worried about what people thought about me, if they noticed how different I am, but I think I’m beginning to understand how self-absorbed that is. Who am I to occupy so many people’s thoughts? Everyone was probably thinking the exact same thing.”
I take another book and set it next to the other.
“My parents are like Barbie and Ken, but they gave birth to Wednesday Adams.” I hold up my hand when he goes to speak. “Again, I know, exaggeration, but you also didn’t see me in Middle and High School. I was a moody little bitch.” I giggle thinking back, adding another booking to the stack. “I don’t give people enough credit. I certainly don’t give myself enough credit. I’ve avoided my parents for so long because we have nothing in common, but why do we need to? Why can’t I allow us to be different? If we were the same, it would be so boring.”
I place the rest of the books on the raft and sit back on my heels. Reaching for the matches, I got to lite the thing ablaze, but Caleb’s voice stops me.
“My parents… my dad… are people of influence,” he sneers, fingers making air quotes. “They expected nothing less than perfection. Perfect grades, perfect appearance. Having a child with a learning difficulty is not done, Bellamy. Having a son who didn’t go to your alma mater, didn’t even graduate high school, but instead models? That’s grounds for disinheritance. Not that I want or need their money now.”
My heart clenches in sympathy.
“I know you have your issues with your parents, but don’t push away people who love you. The only person you’re hurting is yourself.” He kisses my cheek and lights the match. “Take it from someone who knows. Some lessons you don’t have to learn from experience.”
I want to press because underneath his words are allusions to pain, but he turns his attention to the raft. Conversation over. I wiggle my toes in the sand and watch as he wades out to knee-deep water and sets my books afloat.
