Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  What makes you think he'll be such a good husband? She smiled mischievously at her grandfather. Just because he's a Republican like you? Audrey teased him and he took the bait.

  Edward Driscoll's eyes darkened and he was about to answer her as they heard a sigh just behind them. It was Annabelle in a cloud of blue silk and cream-colored lace, her hair cascading over her shoulders as she looked at Audrey in despair. She stood almost a foot shorter than her older sister, and she seemed extremely nervous, as her hands fluttered like tiny birds. To Audrey she always seemed so graceful. She was so unlike Audrey in so many ways, and she relied completely on her calm, capable older sister.

  Are you two already talking politics at this hour of the morning? She cast a hand over her eyes as though she were in pain and Audrey laughed. They talked politics much of the time, mostly because they enjoyed it. They even enjoyed their fights, which invigorated them both, and horrified Annabelle, who found the subject of politics boring, and their arguments completely unnerving.

  Franklin D. Roosevelt won the nomination at the Democratic Convention in Chicago last night. You might like to know that. Audrey always thought it important to keep her informed, although she never cared and Annabelle looked up at her blankly.

  Why?

  Because he beat Al Smith and John Garner. Audrey spoke matter-of-factly and Annabelle shook her head, looking petulant and annoyed, but very pretty.

  No ' I mean why would I like to know that?

  Because it's important! Audrey's eyes blazed at her as they did at no one else. She wouldn't tolerate that nonsense from her, although she herself had known for years that it was hopeless. Annabelle didn't give a damn about anything except her face and her wardrobe. He may be the next president of our country, Annie. You have to pay attention to things like that. She tried to be gentle with her, but there was an edge to her voice. She had always wanted her to be more interested in the world, and yet she wasn't. It was amazing to realize how different they were. Sometimes it was hard to believe they came from the same parents. Even their grandfather had said as much.

  Harcourt says that an interest in politics is vulgar in a woman. She shook her golden curls and looked defiantly at them both as Edward Driscoll stared at her in fascination. She was an amazing little creature, and pretty certainly. And she was actually a great deal like her mother ' but Audrey ' Audrey was so like the son he had loved ' if only he hadn't ' but there was no point thinking that now ' damn crazy places ' he had been everywhere from Samoa to Manchuria over the years, and what good had it done him? Besides, Annabelle went on, I think it's disagreeable of you to be talking politics at breakfast. And bad for your digestion.

  Edward Driscoll looked truly stunned and Audrey had to turn away to conceal her smile. And when she turned back again their eyes met over Annie's head. There was a hidden caress there for her, not that he would ever have known the words to put to it. I'll see you both at dinner tonight. And Harcourt. He made good his escape into his library as Audrey watched his retreating back. He was a little more bent than he had been the year before, but barely. He was a proud, strong man, and Audrey felt she owed him a great deal. The rest of her life perhaps ' or at least herself for the rest of his. He needed her to run his house. And as she thought of it, she looked down at her younger sister. She had a great deal to learn about running a home, and she had staunchly refused to learn any of it from her older sister, insisting that Harcourt said all she had to do was look pretty and have a good time and he'd take care of the rest for her. Harcourt thought it was vulgar for a woman to take too much responsibility, Annie said whenever she could, unaware of the barbs she was casting at her sister, who remained steadfastly amused, and unaffected by Harcourt's views of what was vulgar.

  Don't forget you have a fitting for your wedding dress today, she reminded Annabelle as they drifted from the room, just as the library door slammed firmly closed. Audrey knew that he had gone in there to smoke a cigar, and sit by himself for a while, before being driven to the Pacific Union Club. He would sit staring into the distance, dreaming of old times, reading letters from friends, composing responses in his head before writing them out that afternoon. There was little left for him to do, unlike Audrey who had a wedding for five hundred guests to plan, and a sister who relied on her completely.

  I don't want to go downtown today, Aud. It was too hot yesterday afternoon, and I still have a headache.

  Too bad. Take an aspirin before you go. You only have three weeks until the wedding. And did you check the gifts that came in yesterday? She took her firmly by the arm and shoved her gently into the front parlor. The long table was hourly more laden with offerings from their friends and Harcourt's.

  Oh, God ' She started to whine, which always made Audrey want to shake her. ' look at all the thank-you notes I'll have to write! '

  Look at all the pretty gifts you got! Be grateful, don't complain. Audrey was more like Annabelle's mother than her older sister. She had had Audrey's undivided attention for fourteen years, to a far greater extent than she would ever have had their mother's. Audrey had even gone to college nearby at Mills, so she could be close to her sister, who had never gone on to college after Miss Hamlin's. But no one had expected her to, since everyone said that Audrey had the brains and Annabelle the beauty.

  Do I really have to go downtown today? She looked imploringly up at Audrey, who marched her upstairs, made her get dressed, and sat her down to write half a dozen thank-you notes while she got dressed herself, and at ten thirty they were both ready when the chauffeur drove up in the dark blue Packard their grandfather kept for their use. It was a beautiful summer day, the first week of July, and the sky was as blue as it had been in Hawaii.

  Do you still remember it, Annie? Audrey asked her as they drove downtown, but the pretty blonde in the white linen dress and big picture hat only shook her head. The memories had all faded when she was a little girl, unlike the photographs in their father's treasured albums. They were the only thing that Audrey still clung to from the past, and Annabelle didn't really care about them. She had always thought them uninteresting and strange and terribly foreign, and more than a little scary, which was precisely what Audrey loved about them. You could almost smell the faraway places in them as you looked at the pictures of mountains in China and rivers in Japan ' people wearing kimonos pushing funny little carts, fishing by the side of streams and staring out at you, as though they were about to speak to you in their own tongue ' . Sometimes, as a little girl, Audrey had fallen asleep with the albums in her lap, dreaming that she was in one of those exotic places ' and now her own photographs captured something unusual and exotic, even in ordinary surroundings.

  Aud? Annabelle was staring at her, as the car drove up to J. Magrien's. Audrey gave a start and smiled at her, she had been letting her mind drift, which was unusual for her. She was always so busy and she had so much to do now, for Annie's wedding. What were you thinking just then?

  I don't know. Audrey averted her eyes. She had been thinking of a photograph of their father in China twenty years before. It was a photograph Audrey had always especially loved, of her father laughing as he rode a little donkey.

  You looked so happy. Annabelle was all innocence and Audrey smiled and glanced out the window, and then at her sister.

  I must have been thinking of you, ' and the wedding ' She followed Annabelle out of the car, as a few people on the sidewalk stared. It was rare to see a Packard these days. Most people who owned them had had to sell them. Annabelle seemed totally oblivious as they walked into the store, and Audrey followed her in, feeling suddenly strange, as though she had been pulled back from a great distance, from the photograph she'd been thinking of in the car, to this terribly worldly self-indulgent place, and the transition seemed very strange as a symphony of French perfumes drifted through the air and hats and silk blouses and gloves seemed to dance before their eyes, all of them pretty and all of them very expensive. And Audrey suddenly found herself thinking how fooli
sh it all was, how pointless ' how wrong. There were other things in life that mattered more ' other people who couldn't afford food or warm clothes for their children in winter ' there were shantytowns all over the country filled with people who no longer had homes, and yet here she was with her little sister buying expensive clothes, and a wedding gown that cost more than a college education.

  Are you all right? Annabelle looked at her for a minute in the dressing room where she was trying on her gown. For an instant, she had thought that Audrey looked green, and she had. She had felt almost ill from the contrast of what she'd been thinking.

  I'm fine. It was just a little warm in here, that's all. Two of the saleswomen rushed off to get her a glass of water, and as they stood at the water fountain and as one of them poured and the other one held the glass they whispered to each other what everyone was thinking.

  Poor thing ' she's so jealous of her sister she's green ' poor thing ' she's The Spinster. Audrey never heard the words but she had heard them often enough before. She was used to them by now, and she didn't really care, not even as she sat in their drawing room that night, making conversation with Harcourt Westerbrook IV, waiting for Annabelle to come downstairs, and her grandfather to return from his club. He was late, which was unusual for him, and Annabelle was too, which in her case, was to be expected. She was always late, always flustered, except with Audrey calmly taking charge of everything for her.

  Is the honeymoon all set? There seemed to be nothing to talk to him about except the wedding. With any other man she would have discussed the Democratic nomination but she knew Harcourt's views only too well on the subject of women discussing politics with men, or with anyone for that matter. Audrey found herself wondering what they had ever talked about when they went dancing. Perhaps the music, or did he think conversations about that were vulgar too? She started to laugh at the thought and then had to sober herself immediately. He was describing their honeymoon plans at great length. They were taking the train to New York, then the Ile de France to Le Havre, on to Paris by train, and from there to Cannes for a few days, followed by the Italian Riviera, eventually Rome, then London, and then back on the ship and home. They planned to be gone for two months and it sounded like a very nice trip, although not quite what Audrey would have planned. She would have traveled to Venice, and from there taken the Orient Express as far as Istanbul ' the very thought made her eyes dance but Harcourt's voice droned on, talking about a cousin of his in London who had promised to arrange an audience with the king. Audrey was pretending to be enormously impressed as her grandfather walked in, and stared ferociously at Harcourt. He was about to comment that no one had warned him they were having guests, when Audrey walked over to him, squeezed his arm and led him toward Harcourt with a pleasant smile. Do you remember my telling you Harcourt was coming tonight?

  He stared at her malevolently for a moment as he narrowed his eyes, and then distantly, he remembered something she might have said to him that morning. Was that before or after you made all those damn fool remarks about Roosevelt? He looked annoyed but not totally displeased and she laughed as Harcourt looked shocked.

  Unfortunate, isn't it, sir?

  It won't matter worth a damn. Hoover will get in again.

  I certainly hope so. Another ardent Republican and Audrey looked disgusted by both of them.

  He'll destroy this country for good if he does.

  Don't start on your theories about that! He let out a roar but instantly lost his audience as Annabelle arrived on the scene wearing a gown of pale blue watered silk and looking like something in a painting. She was absolutely exquisite with her huge blue eyes, delicate features, and halo of blond hair. Understandably, Harcourt looked completely bowled over by her and his eyes were riveted to her. He only took his eyes off her long enough to cast a disapproving glance at Audrey on their way into the dining room.

  I hope you weren't serious about Roosevelt.

  I certainly was. This is the worst year this country has ever known and we have Hoover to thank for that. She spoke calmly and with a certainty that was difficult to deny, but Annabelle looked at her imploringly as she tucked a hand into Harcourt's arm.

  You're not going to talk politics tonight, are you? The big blue eyes looked trusting and almost childlike. Harcourt patted her hand.

  Of course we're not.

  Audrey laughed and there was a twinkle in their grandfather's eye as well. She was dying to hear what everyone had been saying at his club, even though most of them were Republicans, of course, but she always thought men's conversations so much more interesting than ladies'. She always had. Except men like Harcourt, who refused to discuss serious subjects with women. She found it exhausting to chat and prattle and smile, as Annabelle did all evening long. And Audrey was exhausted by the time he left, as Annabelle sailed happily up the stairs like a little angel, and Audrey came up more slowly, on her grandfather's arm, giving him time to climb the stairs with his cane. As always, he looked handsome and dignified. She almost wished that one day she might find a man like him. She knew from his early photographs that he had had elegance and style, and he had a bright mind and strong ideas. She could have lived easily with someone like him. And if not easily, then happily at least. Audrey and the elderly gentleman were alone in the hall as he looked down at her. She was almost as tall as he was, but even bent as he was by his years, he stood half a head taller than she.

  You have no regrets do you, Audrey? It was a funny question for him, and his voice was gentle for once. The gruffness and bluster and bravado had vanished. He wanted to know what was in her heart. He wanted to be sure, for his own peace of mind, that she had no second thoughts about Harcourt.

  Regrets about what, Gramp? She hadn't called him that since she was a child, but the name came easily to her lips now.

  About him ' young Westerbrook. You could have had him yourself. He spoke in an undertone, afraid that someone might hear him. He took you out first. And you're older than she ' you'll make a better wife one day ' not that she's a bad girl ' she's just young ' . And he didn't understand her.

  Audrey smiled gently at him, touched by his concern. I'm not ready to get married yet. And he wasn't the right man for me anyway. She smiled as she looked at her grandfather.

  Why aren't you ready yet? He leaned heavily on his cane as they stood face-to-face in the dark hall. He was tired, but this was important to him, and she sighed as she thought about his question.

  I don't know ' but I know there are other things I have to do first. But how could she explain it to him? She wanted to travel ' and take photographs ' make wonderful albums of her own ' like her father's ' .

  Like what? He looked concerned by her words. They rang an old chord of memory ' that had cost him his son ' . You don't have anything foolish in mind, do you?

  No, Gramp. If nothing else, she wanted to reassure him. She owed him that much. And he was an old man after all. I don't even know what I want. But I know Harcourt Westerbrook isn't it. Of that I am absolutely certain.

  He nodded his head, satisfied, and looked deep into her eyes. Then it's all right. And if it hadn't been? If she had wanted him? She wondered about that as she kissed him good night, and then turned as she heard his door close a moment later. She stood outside her own door, thinking of what she had said. She wasn't even sure why she had said the words, except she knew that they were true ' there was something she wanted to do ' something ' places she had to go ' people she had to see ' and mountains and rivers ' and smells ' and perfumes ' and exotic foods ' . She knew as she softly closed her door that she could never have settled down with Harcourt, or maybe anyone at all.

  There was something much greater she needed to feed her soul, and perhaps one day soon she would go ' following her father's footsteps taking pictures as she went ' going back on the same mysterious journeys, and magical trains, like a trip back in time, into the albums ' with him.

  Chapter 2

  On the morning of July twenty-fir
st, Audrey stood downstairs in the front hall, looking at her watch and almost instinctively waiting for the chimes of the dining room clock to begin telling them the hour. The car was waiting for them outside, and she assumed that the guests were already at the church waiting for them. Her grandfather was tapping his cane as he stood nearby, and she could feel the servants' eyes peeking at them from everywhere in the house, anxious to see Annabelle as she came downstairs. And it was well worth the wait when she floated slowly downstairs in a cloud of white, like a vision. She looked like a fairy princess or a very young queen, as she seemed to float just above the ground, her tiny feet in creamy satin slippers, her hair like spun gold in the crown of antique lace and tiny pearls, her tiny waist seemingly carved out of one slender piece of ivory, and her eyes dancing with delight. She was the most beautiful girl Audrey had ever seen, and she smiled with tenderness and pride as she watched her.

  You look so lovely, Annie. The words were much too small, but they were all Audrey could think of. The endless fittings had been worth the trouble. The dress fit her to perfection. Audrey was wearing peach silk trimmed in antique beige lace, and the bridesmaids were wearing the same colors, but in a paler shade, and Audrey looked unusually beautiful in the warm color with her deep copper hair. It brought out the creamy color of her skin, and her blue eyes seemed to dance as Annabelle smiled back at her sister.