Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  When do you go?

  By the end of the year, or perhaps in the spring. Does it make any difference when I go?

  She sighed. Probably not. I can't imagine Grandfather sitting still for another trip, especially after what happened last time, with my extending it by eight months in Harbin. He was suddenly annoyed at her again for doing that, if it meant she couldn't go away with him. I don't know, Charles ' I just don't see how I can ' and I have Molly to think of now.

  Bring her along. He sounded as though he meant it, and Audrey smiled and kissed his cheek.

  I will always love you, Charles. Do you know that?

  It's difficult to believe sometimes. He sat back in his chair and looked at her. And I don't want you to give me an answer tonight. Just think about it ' think about Egypt in the spring. Can you think of anything more romantic than that? She shook her head and smiled.

  You don't have to sell it to me, Charles. That has nothing to do with it. I would be happy in a cow pasture in Oklahoma with you.

  Now there's a thought. He laughed, and their mood lightened suddenly, and he suggested that they go dancing in his hotel, and the moment their bodies met, she felt all the same magic happening again. Their lips met, and their bodies touched, and she wanted him just as she had for the past year. It was more than she could bear just being this close to him again, and when he looked down at her she smiled up at him.

  I don't think I'm ever going to be able to resist you, Charles. It's going to be very awkward if you marry someone else one day.

  There are ways of preventing that, he said seriously in her ear, and then led her quietly from the room. They spoke for a moment in a corridor. He didn't want to do anything foolish with her, and yet their hearts always seemed to be on the line. But as she nodded, he quietly slipped his room key into her hand, and then walked to the desk and asked for another one, as she took the elevator upstairs, looking terribly sedate and very beautiful as the elevator operator admired her. It would never have occurred to him that she wasn't someone's wife, and she thanked him as she got out, her heart pounding again, and let herself in Charles's room just as he arrived on the floor and followed her to the room. He opened the door and found her standing there, in her elegant black dress and a sheepish smile.

  Imagine if someone saw me doing this! I'd be tarred and feathered and thrown out of town!

  I suspect you're not the first, you know. But as I said before, there are ways of preventing this ' . And there was specifically one he had in mind, but they both forgot everything as he took her in his arms, and a moment later, their clothes lay in a heap on the floor and she was clinging to him. It had been a lifetime and a year and several oceans and continents since they'd met, and suddenly she couldn't remember how she had managed to live without him for all this time. And he knew all too well how empty his life had been without her. It was four o'clock before she was able to pull away from him again, and glancing at his watch on the bedtable, she murmured unhappily.

  Dammit ' I have to go home ' . It wasn't like their life in China, where they had existed as man and wife for months. This was pretense and appearances and propriety, and it seemed very strange to them. But he watched her get dressed as he smoked a cigarette and then hastily put on his own clothes to take her home in a taxi, and once there, he kissed her in the cab, and then watched her slip into the house with her key. And then he watched the light go on in her room upstairs and she pulled back the lace curtain to wave to him, and as he rode back to his hotel he felt desperately lonely, not having her beside him.

  The bed still smelled of her perfume and their flesh, and he found a strand of long red hair cast over his pillow, like a gift she had left him. He wanted to call her, to bring her back, to lie next to her again, but that didn't happen until the following afternoon when he met her again and they went back to his hotel room as discreetly as they could. They lay there until ten o'clock that night, and then ordered room service as she sat wearing his robe and sharing a cigarette with him. It felt good just being there with him, but there was something very serious in his eyes tonight, and as he turned to her when the waiter left, she knew something was wrong. She knew him too well for him to fool her for very long.

  What's the matter, Charles? Her voice was as gentle as it had always been.

  There's something I have to say to you.

  It can't be as bad as all that. She reached out a hand for his, but he was too nervous to leave his hand in hers, and he suddenly stood up and began walking around the room, looking at her, and then finally he sat down and looked into the blue eyes that had haunted him for so long.

  I have to go to New York tomorrow afternoon. The words sliced through her like a knife.

  I see.

  I have meetings to attend with an American publisher, and they moved them up by a week. She wondered if he was going to ask her to go with him, but it was much worse than that. And I think we should both know where we stand when I go. We can't go on like this, Aud ' . The last year, without you, was the most difficult year of my life, except the year after Sean died. He was being honest with her. And it won't be easy now, leaving you again. We can't keep doing this. She wanted to ask him why not, why they couldn't just let it go on this way for a while, until she felt she could leave her grandfather ' until ' until what, she asked herself. There was no easy answer to the problem. I want to marry you. I want you to come to England with me. I understand that it could take a while ' a month, maybe even two. I could live with that. But I want to marry you, Aud. I love you with everything I have to give. It was everything she had always dreamed and she knew he was the only man she would ever love. But she couldn't do what he asked ' couldn't ' why couldn't he understand that, and let it go for a while?

  Her eyes rapidly filled with tears as she shook the copper mane, and gently touched his cheek with her fingertips. Don't you know how much I love you, Charles? ' how badly I want exactly the same things you do? ' but I can't ' I can't! She stood up and walked across the room, staring blindly out the window at Union Square far below. I can't leave Grandfather, don't you understand that?

  Do you really think he expects that of you? He's not that unreasonable, Aud. You can't give up your life for him.

  It would break his heart.

  And mine? Charles's voice was soft, his eyes bright with unshed tears. She couldn't answer him.

  I love you. Her eyes begged him to understand as her lips said the words, but he only shook his head.

  That's not enough. It'll kill us both. Will you marry me? There was no dodging him, and she couldn't give him the answer he wanted. It was a sacrifice she had to make ' just like staying in Harbin for eight months, only much, much worse ' . Audrey, answer me. He stood staring at her with a terrifying look on his face. It was a look that said he meant what he was asking her, that there wouldn't be another chance ' that this was the last time ' . Audrey? They stood there across the room from each other now, with a universe separating them, or it might as well have been.

  Charlie, I can't ' not right now ' .

  Then when? Next month? Next year? I've never wanted to marry anyone ' until you ' and now I will offer you everything I have to give ' my life ' my home ' my heart ' whatever fortune I have ' my royalties ' everything I have to give is yours ' but I won't wait another ten years ' I won't waste my life and yours, waiting for that man to die. Somehow I have to believe that he would want better than that for you. Do you want me to ask him myself? I'd be happy to do that too. But she shook her head.

  I can't do that to him, Charles. He would tell me to go. And then he would die. I'm all he has.

  You're all I have.

  And you are the only man I'll ever love.

  Then marry me.

  She stood there watching him interminably, but she shook her head and then quietly sat down and began to cry. Charlie, I can't. He turned away from her, and stood looking out the window at Union Square.

  Then it's over for us, when I leave. I don't ever want to
see you again. I won't play this game with you.

  It's not a game, Charlie. It's my life ' and yours ' think of that before you shut me out like that. She was talking to his back, and he only shook his head, and then finally, he turned to look at her again and there was grief in his eyes.

  To leave you in my life, on the edge, taunting me, will torture us both, and what will we have? Emptiness ' promises ' lies ' you said you wished Molly were mine, well so do I ' and one day I want children of my own and so do you ' we won't have them like this, or we shouldn't anyway. I want a real life, with a real wife, and children when that seems right ' just like James and Vi. It all made perfect sense to her.

  Then come to live in San Francisco with me.

  And do what? Work on the local newspaper? Sell shoes? I'm a travel writer, Audrey. You know what my life is like. I can't do what I do, just living here. One of us is going to have to make a sacrifice, and this time it has to be you. You have to come with me.

  Charlie, I can't. Audrey could barely speak she was crying so hard.

  Think about it. I'll be here until four o'clock. My plane leaves at six. It was less than twenty-four hours and nothing drastic was going to change in twenty-four hours.

  That's not going to change anything. You're being unreasonable.

  I'm doing the best thing for both of us. You have to make up your mind.

  You act as though it's a choice I have, when I don't ' as though I were being capricious or whimsical ' when all I'm doing is facing my responsibilities here.

  What about your responsibilities to me? ' to yourself ' even to that child? Don't you owe each of us something more, the guts to go after what you want ' if it really is what you want.

  You know it is.

  Then come with me. Or at least promise you'll come soon.

  I can't promise that. She covered her face with her hands, thinking of the dilemma she was in. I can't promise you anything.

  He nodded. He had understood the risk when he'd come. But at least it would be over now. She would either agree to marry him, or he would close the door on everything he felt for her. He wasn't going to play games with her anymore, or with himself. He owed himself that much.

  There was silence in the cab when he took her home, and he touched her face very gently before he kissed her good night. I'm not doing it to be cruel ' but we have to make a clean break, if that's what it's going to be ' for both our sakes.

  Why? She didn't understand. Why now? Is there someone else? That possibility hadn't even occurred to her until that point, but he shook his head.

  I'm doing it because I can't live without you, and if I have to, then I'd better get used to it. Starting now.

  You're being unfair. But she had thought that when he refused to write to her when she had turned down the proposal he had cabled to Harbin. Look at the responsibilities I have.

  There will always be something, Aud. You have to make a choice now.

  She shook her head, looking grief-stricken and he followed her out of the cab and kissed her on the front steps. I love you.

  I love you too. But there was nothing she could do. And when she went to her room, she took the sleeping baby in her arms, feeling her warmth next to her, and listened to the little purring sounds of her breath. She was thinking of everything he had said, about wanting to many her ' about the children he wanted to have ' it was just rotten luck that he wanted everything now, and she sat at the breakfast table the next morning, staring woodenly at her plate, having slept barely at all, and her grandfather stared at her with a fierce frown to mask his own worry. He sensed that she was very unhappy.

  Did you drink too much last night? She shook her head and attempted to smile at him. You look terrible. Are you sick?

  Just tired.

  And then suddenly, there was an odd tone in his voice, as though he were suddenly afraid, and she felt sorry for him. Are you very fond of him?

  We're good friends.

  And what does that mean?

  Actually, she smiled halfheartedly, trying to get him off the track, I'd rather not talk about it.

  Why not? Because it hurts too much. But she didn't say the words to him.

  We're just friends, Grampa.

  I think there's more to it than that, from his side anyway. Damn good thing if not from yours.

  What makes you say that?

  That's no life for a decent girl, running all over the world with a man like that, chasing camels and elephants ' think of the stench! He looked horrified and she laughed at the thought.

  I'd never thought of it quite that way before.

  Besides, it wouldn't be good for the child. ' Or for him. She knew he was thinking of that too. And he had a right to, after all. He was almost eighty-three years old now and he needed her. She knew that only too well.

  It's not serious, Grandfather. Don't worry about it. But he did anyway. She could see it in his eyes. And she felt a lead weight in her heart, when she called Charlie at noon. She had promised to meet him for lunch downtown, and when she did, she found they both looked grim. They both had a lot on their minds. They made small talk for a very short time and then he looked at her. They hadn't even ordered their lunches yet.

  Well?

  She looked at him, wanting to put it off, but there was no escaping it. You know the answer, Charles. I love you. But I can't marry you. Not now. He nodded, bereft of speech, and his eyes were dry as he looked at her.

  I had a feeling you would decide that way. Because of your grandfather? She nodded silently. I'm sorry, Aud. He reached out a hand to touch hers and then he stood up. I don't think we should have lunch. Do you? There's an earlier flight I can catch if I hurry. It was all moving too quickly for her now, and she could see unspoken anger in his eyes, and fury and hurt and revenge, and she felt as though she were ricocheting off the walls as she followed him out and suddenly she was in a cab, and everything was moving too fast and she was standing in front of the house, with Charles watching her from just outside the cab, as he stood there. He was looking down at her, with that raging hurt in his eyes and she moved to kiss him good-bye, but he took a step back from her and put up his hand as though to ward her off, shook his head, and then disappeared into the taxi again with only a murmured good-bye.

  And as she stood watching him, the cab shifted into gear, and suddenly after all that time, all those moments, all those miles, and so much love ' he was gone. Forever.

  Chapter 24

  As Audrey walked into the front hall of her grandfather's house and the butler quietly closed the door, she was aware of a ruckus in the upstairs hall, and she noticed a stack of boxes and trunks waiting at the foot of the stairs. And then suddenly, she realized that her sister was standing watching her from the library doorway. It was the first time they had seen each other since their unpleasant encounter right after Audrey got home, and Audrey looked at her cautiously now, wondering what she was doing there, and if she were leaving on a trip with that huge stack of bags, and then suddenly, with a sinking heart, she knew what had happened.

  Is something wrong?

  Harcourt left me.

  Audrey nodded, not surprised anymore by anything, but only puzzled by what Annabelle was doing there. She was still deeply disappointed in her sister. Then why are you here? Her tone told a tale of sorrow that Annabelle did not understand, and wouldn't have cared about anyway. Besides, she was too wrapped up in her own problems.

  I didn't want to stay in Burlingame. I hate that place.

  Did you try the hotels? Audrey sounded bitter as she spoke, and Annabelle looked startled.

  This is my home too, as much as yours.

  Did you ask Grandfather if you can stay here?

  No. His voice reached them. Neither of them had realized that he was at home. She did not.

  Would you care to explain that to me, Annabelle? They both suddenly felt as they had as children, when he caught them doing something they shouldn't. Audrey wondered if she had been unduly harsh, and
Annabelle knew she should have called before simply arriving.

  I ' I tried to reach you this morning, Grampa, but '

  That's a lie. He looked at her with severe annoyance. At least have the good manners to tell the truth. Where is your husband?

  I don't know. I think he went up to the lake with friends.

  And you've chosen to desert him?

  I ' It was awkward explaining it all to him in the hall, but he showed no inclination to ask her to sit down. He said that he wanted a divorce.

  How amenable of you to grant it to him. Do you realize that you are under no such obligation? She nodded.

  But I ' .

  You want out? He put the appropriate words in her mouth and she nodded. I see. How convenient. And now you come home to me, and your sister, is that it, Annabelle? She blushed faintly and nodded again. For any particular reason? The address perhaps? ' the excellence of my staff? ' the advantages of a house in town ' or perhaps because your sister oversees your children so well? He knew her well and Audrey almost laughed at Annie's obvious discomfort.

  I ' I just thought ' maybe for a little while ' .

  How little, Annabelle? A week? Two? Less perhaps? He was enjoying his effect and Audrey almost felt sorry for her sister. Almost. But not quite. She no longer merited a great deal of pity. She was too unkind and too spoiled, she drank too much, and she was too often openly vicious. How long do you intend to stay here?

  Until I have a house?

  Don't ask me, tell me ' very well then. Until you find a house. I agree to let you stay here, but see to it that you find one. He glanced at Audrey as soon as he said the words and saw the triumphant look on Annabelle's face. And see to it that you don't impose unduly on your sister. They were wise words, the only problem was that Audrey and Annabelle did not share the same interpretation of unduly.

  Within the next two hours, she had managed to park both of her children in Audrey's room. Little Winston was attempting to destroy all of her books, and Hannah had been dumped in Molly's crib, and the hostess had just bitten the guest in the toe and drawn blood, much to Annabelle's horror.