Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  She looked at Violet with unhappy resolve. I suppose we ought to do it now.

  Violet nodded. She hated to send them away, but she wanted them to be safe, and she had already spoken to her father-in-law about it, and to James the last time he came home. He wanted her to go too, and Audrey knew that. I don't really want to stay down there yet myself. I've got so much to do here. Part of her volunteer work for the Red Cross meant driving a jeep for several generals whenever she could. Audrey had been planning to volunteer as well, but with the pregnancy she thought she would wait until she felt better. And she was deeply involved in taking photographs of the rubble one saw everywhere, and the faces etched with the sorrows of war. It would be a remarkable collection one day, but she wasn't thinking of her photographs either. She was thinking of Molly, and sending her away to the country with Alexandra and James. What do you say, Aud?

  Let's take them down this week.

  And stay ourselves? Her father-in-law was going to keep an eye on them, and of course Vi would send the nurse with them.

  Not yet. I want to finish some of the work I started. Audrey frowned. There were so many things she still wanted to photograph, and her darkroom was hung with hundreds of photographs she had taken.

  I'll call my father-in-law. We can drive them down this Saturday. Is that all right with you?

  Fine.

  Violet nodded as she got ready to leave and frowned as she looked at Audrey again. She was losing weight instead of gaining it, and she still looked very tired. Try and get some rest before the trip.

  Yes, ma'am. They exchanged a smile and Lady Vi left, and on Saturday they set off in the family's touring car. Fortunately, James had bought a large Chevrolet station wagon before the war, and Audrey and Violet helped the older children and the nurse into the backseat, told Molly to get into the front seat beside them, and put all their baggage in the back, and four hours later they were driving through the countryside, and it seemed difficult to believe that there was a war going on. Everything was so pretty and peaceful here, and when they reached Lord Hawthorne's home, Audrey was enormously relieved that they had decided to bring the children there then, instead of waiting any longer. They would be safe and happy here, and he was enchanted to have all three of them, and looked forward to when the two young women would come down again to stay with them.

  On the way home, Audrey told Violet that by November, she wanted to come down to stay. She figured she'd be too pregnant to stay in London by then. It would be too difficult to run to the shelter every night, and Violet agreed with her.

  You might even think about coming down before that.

  We'll see. They were planning to come down again in two weeks anyway, to spend a few days with the children and relax. But it was a relief for both of them not to have to worry about the children's safety in London anymore. I feel better, don't you, Vi?

  Lady Vi smiled and nodded as she drove back to London in the late afternoon. Everything went perfectly until they got a flat tire, and the two women had to struggle changing it. And Vi wouldn't let Audrey strain herself, for fear that it would do her some harm, so it was several hours before they were back on the road again. And just after they reached London, the air raid sirens began, and they had to abandon the car and go to the nearest shelter. The bombs seemed to be falling everywhere, and a flaming beam narrowly missed them as they dashed across the street, and Audrey heard someone scream. It was a harrowing night. It was midnight before they could come out again, and she and Vi hurried home, trying to avoid the debris in the streets so they wouldn't get another flat tire. Audrey was exhausted when she got home, and half an hour later, the sirens shrieked again and she had to go back to the shelter. She looked for Vi as they often went to the same one, and she didn't see her for a long time. It was four o'clock in the morning when she realized that she was there as well, sleeping exhaustedly in a corner, wearing a scarf over her head, and an old coat of James's, which was the first thing that had come to hand in the dark closet. Audrey sat down quietly next to her, and she was startled when she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her back. She wondered if she had strained it earlier helping with the tire, although Vi had certainly not let her do much. But the pain came again, and by the time they left the shelter shortly after dawn, she felt the same pain shooting down her legs, and she mentioned it to Vi as they walked home through the rubble.

  I think I've done something to my back. She was so tired and she could barely move, and it took all the energy she had just to walk as far as Violet's house, as Violet looked at her with a frown.

  When did you do that?

  God knows. Between the trip and spending the night running from one shelter to the next, I'm probably just tired. She looked like hell but Violet didn't say anything about it.

  Why don't you come in for a minute before you go home? All make you a cup of tea. Audrey smiled at her, it was the British solution for everything. A night filled with bombs followed by a cup of tea, but she was too tired to walk to her own house, and she went inside gratefully and sat down in one of Violet's comfortable library chairs. Vi was back only moments later with a steaming cup of tea, and some scones. She always gave Audrey all of her treats. She knew how badly she needed them, and she still thought her too thin. How's your back?

  All right. But she was lying to her. It still hurt, and now there was a strange gnawing little pain way deep down in her abdomen. Violet saw something troubled in her eyes but she wasn't sure what it was. She sat down and lit a cigarette as Audrey drank her tea in silence.

  Maybe you should go around to the doctor today. When are you seeing him again?

  Not for another week. She would be a good three months pregnant then, and she could hardly zip up her skirts anymore. She didn't mind it. She felt proud of the little bulge, and she was excited thinking about when it would be really obvious. She could hardly wait to tell Charlie. He might even see it for himself when he came home from North Africa. I'm okay, Vi. Honestly.

  Are you sure?

  Quite. But when she went to the bathroom before going home, she no longer was. There was a spot of blood on her underwear which gave her a shock, and more when she went to the bathroom. It wasn't a great deal, but enough to frighten her, and she mentioned it to Vi when she came out. Did that ever happen to you?

  Vi shook her head honestly, but she'd heard of it, in pregnancies that had gone on to produce sound children later on. I've heard of it though. It might not be anything. But I think you ought to have it checked. They called the doctor immediately and he told Audrey to come in right then, if she could. Violet drove her to the hospital where he had to do rounds anyway, and he did not look pleased when he examined her. He asked if her breasts were still sensitive, and if she felt anything strange happening.

  Any cramps?

  No. She shook her head. She was deathly pale. And then she remembered the pains in her back, and she told him about them.

  I want you to rest, Mrs. Driscoll. He did not know that she and Charles weren't married. In fact, he didn't know Charles at all. I'm going to send you home with your friend, and you must stay in bed with your feet elevated, except in the case of an air raid, of course. She promised to faithfully, and she went to Vi's house instead of her own. It was comforting not to be alone, and they talked endlessly about what it all meant, who they knew who had had what and it had turned out all right, but the bleeding didn't stop, even as Audrey lay in bed. And it got heavier that night. Audrey prayed that she wouldn't have to get up for an air raid, and when the sirens began, she begged Violet tearfully to leave her there.

  Nothing's going to happen, Vi, and if I get up it will make the bleeding worse.

  If you don't get up, you may be dead in an hour. Violet was adamant with her, and helped her out of bed, putting her fur coat over Audrey's dressing gown. Lots of people went to the shelters half dressed. They were all used to it now, and the only thing one needed were stout shoes, and Violet saw that Audrey was wearing them.

  Th
ey hurried to the safety of the shelter, and Vi hovered over her like a mother hen until they came home again, and the bleeding had not gotten much worse. In fact, it lessened over the next two days, in spite of their nightly trips to the shelter, but on the third day, Audrey suddenly began having pains. They woke her up as she slept late one afternoon, and she felt a sharp slice of pain that went straight through her guts and she awoke with a sharp oh as Violet stood watching her.

  Are you all right? Her voice was soft in the dim room.

  I don't know ' I had a ' She couldn't even say the words as the pain shot through her again. She clutched the blankets and tried to catch her breath as she stared unseeingly at Vi, who was suddenly frightened for her. Oh God ' Vi ' call ' the doctor ' .

  Are you bleeding very much? She knew the doctor would ask, and they threw the covers back hurriedly to see a pool of blood on the sheets all around Audrey.

  Oh my God '

  Never mind ' it may still be all right ' lie still ' I'll be right back. But she could hear Audrey's moans as she hurried to the phone. The doctor told Vi to bring her in at once, to carry her if she had to, which wouldn't be easy, but she rushed back to wrap her in blankets, as Audrey cried, and she rang for the butler to carry her to the car. He carried her ever so gently as Audrey bit her lip so as not to scream. The pain was the worst she had ever felt, and she kept thinking of Ling Hwei the night Molly was born. She knew now what agony the girl must have gone through, only that must have been even worse than this since the baby was full term. Audrey couldn't even imagine it. There were knife stabs of pain that cut straight through to her heart, and she felt like a freight train was pressing through her, tearing everything in its path. She was almost incoherent when they arrived at the hospital, and a nurse and an orderly put her on a gurney and hurried her inside.

  Violet stood by as the doctor examined her, and Audrey screamed horribly. It was terrible to watch her writhe in pain, and as men had done for generations before, Violet found herself wondering if it was all worth it. It was so much worse to watch someone else going through the pain.

  The doctor spoke to Lady Vi quietly before they took Audrey away and she was gasping with the pain as a nurse held her hands. She's going to lose the child, Lady Hawthorne. She almost has now.

  Can't you make it easier for her? It was exactly what James had said when Alexandra was born. But the doctor only shook his head.

  I'm afraid not. But it won't be long now. But it seemed an eternity to Violet as she stood holding her friend's hands. It was another five hours of unthinkable pain before the fetus finally came, already looking too much like a baby. It broke Violet's heart to see the dead baby as they wrapped it up and took it away, and she listened to Audrey sob in her arms. Both women cried, and Violet never left her for two days. She developed a fever, and she was still in pain, and it was days before she looked at Violet quietly with dead eyes.

  Thank you, Vi ' I would have died if it weren't for you ' .

  You'd have been fine ' and you were so wonderfully brave. Violet's eyes filled with tears, and she squeezed Audrey's hands. I'm sorry ' I know how much you wanted it. Audrey only nodded and turned her head away. She looked as though she had nearly died, and she had. It was the most frightening experience Violet had ever been through. She kept thinking of what she would tell Charles if something happened to Audrey, and the thought horrified her. By the time it had been all over, she had been silently begging Audrey not to die, and she was deeply grateful now. But it was so difficult to find the words to comfort her. She could only imagine how terrible she must feel. You'll have another one. Maybe ten of them. She smiled through her own tears but it was obvious that Audrey didn't believe a word of it.

  It was so terrible, Vi ' . Instinctively, she had raised her head in pain, just in time to see the baby slide out of her. She would never forget what an awful sight it was. And she had wanted it so desperately. All she wanted now was to feel Charlie's arms around her and to cry in his arms, but she was grateful for Violet. Vi stayed with her every day until she was able to go home, and then nursed her like a child, keeping her in her own bed, until she finally seemed more herself again. Audrey was amazed at how long it took to get her strength back, and it was fully a month before she was up and dressed and looking herself, although there was something different about her now, something worried and sad. She thought of Charlie all the time and how desperately she missed him. He had written to her several times, but the letters were joking and light. He had no idea of what she was going through. And when Violet finally saw James she told him the whole ghastly tale, and he was sorry for both of them, the woman who had suffered so much, and his wife who had stood by her so staunchly in the absence of Charlie.

  You're a damn fine girl, Vi. He was proud of her. They were having a weekend together before he went back to his bombing raids. Poor Charles ' what a blow ' . Vi never thought to tell him Charlie didn't know Audrey was pregnant when he left. He always wanted a child. That's why he married that dreadful girl.

  By the way, it brought something entirely different to mind. She still hadn't told Aud, and somehow it didn't seem appropriate just now, I heard the oddest thing about her, James.

  Charlotte? Violet nodded. Is she finally divorcing him? It's totally absurd the way she hangs on, and everyone knows the marriage was a farce. One would think she'd give up, the damn fool. It always infuriated him to know that the woman was keeping Audrey from marrying Charles, especially now, having lost the baby.

  I think I understand it now. I think she wanted to be married to Charles to cover up something else. Lady Vi spoke hesitantly and James looked intrigued.

  Oh? What's the dirt? He smiled.

  I hear ' She hated to say the word, but she wanted him to know. I was told she's a lesbian.

  Charlotte? For a moment he sounded amused, and then he looked at her pensively. Who told you that?

  Elizabeth Williams-Strong. She was the biggest gossip in town, but she usually got things right amazingly. And you know, I wasn't inclined to believe her at first, but you know ' the oddest thing, I was driving the jeep for General Kildare several weeks ago, before Audrey got sick, and I saw her walking along the street with the most attractive young man ' actually he looked more like a boy, she blushed, and for some reason I was watching them. I was sitting there waiting for the General to come out of a shop. And do you know ' it wasn't a boy at all. It was a girl. I'm quite sure it was, she blushed beet red, and they kissed ' I don't mean on the cheek ' I mean a long passionate one ' .

  James suddenly laughed and leapt at his wife. He had been hungry for her for too long. You mean like this? He kissed her passionately, pretending to ravage her, and she pulled away laughing and looked at him.

  I'm serious, James!

  So am I, by God. I haven't seen you in six bloody weeks! They made love after that, but in the quiet aftermath as he smoked a cigarette, she looked at him and thought of Charlotte again.

  What do you make of that?

  I think it explains everything. And he had had another idea. You know, if Charles knew that, he might be able to blackmail her a bit into letting him go. I daresay I'll tell him myself when I see him next week. Do you mind?

  Are you serious? Of course not! It would be marvelous if he could get rid of her. And then she looked puzzled at what he had said. Where are you seeing him? Is he coming home? He hadn't said anything about it to Audrey in the letter she'd received the day before.

  They're sending me to Cairo for two weeks. Will it be dangerous? She held her breath as she watched his eyes. She always knew the truth looking at him, but he shook his head and she could see that he was relieved.

  No, it won't. And to tell you the truth, it'll be a relief to stop bombing Hitler's boys. I'm getting damn tired of that. And so was she.

  I'll ask Audrey if she has any messages for him. Just give him my love, was all she said, and after James had gone, Audrey confessed to Lady Vi, How I envy him seeing Charlie. She longed for Charli
e now. She was still fighting the depression she had felt since she'd lost their baby. She felt empty and as though somehow she had failed, and the loss seemed overwhelming to her. It embarrassed her to admit it, even to Vi, with so many people losing people they loved, it seemed so shocking to be mourning a baby she didn't even know, but it didn't help reasoning it out. In her heart, it was a loss, and nothing dulled the pain, not even a visit to Molly in the peaceful countryside, although it helped a little bit, and she sat with the child on her lap, looking out over the green hills dotted with cows. She was glad that Molly was there, and not in London.

  Is Daddy coming home soon?

  I hope so, sweetheart. Uncle James went to see him this week, and I told him to give him a big kiss from you. Molly looked satisfied as she hopped off her mother's lap, and ran back to play with Alexandra and James, but at that very moment James was not delivering a kiss to Charles, but news that rocked him to his very core.

  God, man ' I'm so sorry ' . They never told me you didn't know. There were tears in Charlie's eyes and James could have eaten his tongue. He had just told him that Audrey had lost the baby, he thought it was best if he knew, rather than deluding himself that the pregnancy was going on. It had never occurred to him that Audrey hadn't told him before he left that she was pregnant.

  Why didn't she tell me? His eyes were wild, and James had never felt worse.

  She probably didn't want to worry you. But she's all right ' . He said the same thing as Vi. And she'll have another one ' . Charlie nodded, but he felt as though someone had set his heart on fire.

  Was it very bad? He looked into James's eyes, and he didn't know what to say. He didn't know whether to lie to him now or not, but it was too late for that.

  James nodded miserably. Violet said it was pretty awful for her, but she held up admirably. She's all right now though. I saw her myself last week. A bit pale and a trifle thin, but as pretty as ever. He tried to smile, but Charlie looked desperately worried. He sighed, and within an hour, he had had seven drinks at Shepheard's bar. James didn't blame him a bit, and later that night, he helped him to his room. He hadn't even had time to tell him what he'd heard about Charlotte from Vi. But there was time for that. He would be in Cairo for two weeks. And they would have plenty of time for the London gossip.