Love, Lust & Faking It

by Jenny McCarthy

  I don’t know why we all have to go through the “I’m worthless, I’m not worthy” stage in our lives. I think some never wake up to it. They stay in abusive relationships. I’ve met so many amazing women in my life who have shocked me when they introduce their boyfriends, who are total losers. I want to shake them and tell them how much better they deserve, but I guess we all have to find our own way to that secure enough place of “I’m lovable, I’m worthwhile, and I deserve heaven.” I obviously managed to get past homeless guys, but now I’m requesting heaven in every relationship I have. There is nothing more important to me right now than making sure the friends I make and the men I make out with are a reflection of my new happy self.

  [11]

  Couples Counseling

  Therapy rocks. Seriously! I think if couples therapy were a requirement, the divorce rate wouldn’t be nearly as messed up as it is now. I sat down with my own therapist, Elizabeth Halliday-Bluestone, to interview her on ways to help make relationships work. (Because based on my current status, I’m clearly in no position to tell you how to make your relationship work. Elizabeth is much more qualified.)

  JENNY: You had told me once that when people first come in for couples counseling, many times it is too late. Why is that?

  ELIZABETH: Based on my observation, most couples seem to seek help when their relationship is at its worst. Whether it includes issues that range from emotional or physical abuse that could include extramarital affairs, or a myriad of other problems, the damage is already so profound that Dr. Freud himself would have a tough time seeing them through to a satisfactory resolution.

  JENNY: So when should couples start counseling?

  ELIZABETH: Couples who are smart come in when they recognize that there are issues in their relationships that are already causing difficulties between them. If they can recognize that there are problems early on, the anger and resentment that has been building up between them is much easier for the therapist to work with. In my experience the couples that do want to get their relationship back on track before toxicity can really set in have a much better chance of working through their problems while in therapy. For example, a wife would be able to say honestly to her husband, “You know, working so late at night is something that really bothers me, and I have an issue with it. I need to talk to you about it because it is upsetting to me.” At this point the resentment and anger can be dealt with in a much more productive manner.

  This is because their individual feelings about each other have not yet created a situation where their issue cannot be discussed in an effective and positive way. The resentment and anger is much less.

  JENNY: Do you notice couples coming in that don’t want to try and work on anything and just want you to help them to break them up?

  ELIZABETH: Yes. In my practice I have found that many couples come in and have no desire to even try to work on the presenting issues. Many times they simply would like to figure out how to get out of their relationship gracefully, especially if there are children involved. They would rather let a neutral party negotiate the separation.

  JENNY: Do you think they also come to you to figure out the actual reasons why they’re breaking up, so they have an understanding of why this is ending?

  ELIZABETH: Absolutely, many couples have a need to know why their relationship has crumbled. However, they are also looking for validation that the end of their relationship was their partner’s fault and not entirely theirs.

  JENNY: What is one of the hardest issues for couples to get through?

  ELIZABETH: Without a doubt, infidelity is the hardest issue for couples to resolve. It is very difficult for the one partner to trust someone after his or her significant other has had an affair. However, when some of my patients have only had an affair that lasted a very short time, their odds in making their relationship work increases significantly. It’s still incredibly difficult emotionally, but not as hard as an affair that has been going on for an extended period of time.

  JENNY: Why is it that each person’s perception of the same situation is so completely different? Are men really from Mars?

  ELIZABETH: Yes. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. This is because men, honestly, communicate in a totally different fashion than females.

  JENNY: How do they, if you can explain it?

  ELIZABETH: I believe that females are intuitive, emotive, and more sensitive to their world and universe. We are by nature predisposed to being caretakers; it is in our female DNA to be more nurturing and caring when faced with different challenges. If we look back to the time of cavemen, we find that the men’s main responsibility was to provide the food and clothing for their tribes. Their task was to hunt and club down bison to use their hides for warmth during the winter months. In contrast the women stayed close to their caves and taught their children the basics of language and social skills. As primitive as that may have been, their roles were starting to be clearly defined. Clearly things have come a long way since the time of cavemen, and we all know that men are taking on more and more responsibility in the home and emotional caretaking of their children. I think men have really stepped up to the plate beautifully, but today, the majority of the caretaking is still done by women. And we, as women, want to talk to our partners. At the end of the day we want to talk about our day’s activities and how we are feeling. Men do not always want to participate in this kind of conversation. We tend to be the talkers! Feeling that we have not gotten our emotional needs met, we start to feel angry and resentful. We have a need to say, “I want to go to this deeper level, and I want to have you share these conversations with me, and I want to know how you are feeling also.” This is not most men’s natural inclination. You can almost hear them saying, “Boy do I want to watch the basketball game!” Men’s thinking tends to be much more linear and black and white. While most men are willing to address issues that arise in daily life, they usually become very uncomfortable with women’s need to explore every facet of their emotional decisions. For example, we would like to know what you are feeling, what you are thinking about, and how we fit into that. Many men don’t even think about it. In fact they are surprised when their women say they are not getting what they need emotionally. Sometimes they’ve never even thought about it. They just think differently. So my job as a therapist is to get the two planets, Mars and Venus, to communicate with one another.

  JENNY: Well, then teach us how!

  ELIZABETH: Okay. One of the most important aspects is to build up a toolbox of communication skills that includes learning how to speak to one another, learning how to listen, and, most significantly, to be compassionate and understanding of your partner’s feelings even if you do not agree with them. Without these tools, what occurs in the relationship is interpreted by the other as anger, criticism, resentment, and hurt. That’s a recipe for disaster. First and foremost, the couple will never be able to listen to each other because the attacks are so aggressive. I would say no one would want to stay and listen to that. They are not going to hear a thing, and they’re not going to respond in any way, shape, or form except, “Go to hell! I’m out of here!” As opposed to talking through the issue in a way that both partners can hear—what I call the “honey before the vinegar” technique.

  JENNY: I love “the honey before the vinegar.” Please explain it to the ladies.

  ELIZABETH: The key to success with this technique is to be able to start your sentences with “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For example, “You always do everything wrong—this is your fault.” Let’s just say a woman would like to go out with her friends on a Wednesday night for dinner and a movie. If her partner becomes angry and unreasonable about her activities when she goes out, a productive way to express herself might go like this: “When I go out on Wednesday night with my friends, it makes me feel happy and connected to another type of world. It is not that I don’t want to be with you tonight. I love you. It’s just that I would like a little break from our d
aily routine now and then. So I would really like to understand why it makes you upset, because that is not my intention.”

  Now that is honey and vinegar, because you are telling your partner the truth in a calm and loving way without saying something as dysfunctional as “You’re a controlling jerk that never lets me do anything!” That is simply stirring the vinegar.

  JENNY: Can you say, “I felt angry about it…?”

  ELIZABETH: You know what, I don’t believe in anger, Jenny. I just don’t. I’ve told you that underneath anger is always a feeling of abandonment, hurt, and powerlessness. Anger is in my opinion a defense mechanism that keeps us from dealing with our real feelings. It’s always hurt that’s underneath anger. Anger and denial are as vulnerable as a small scab that one could scrape off only to find numerous untreated emotional infections. I like to stay away from the A-word. I don’t believe in it.

  JENNY: So “I’m hurt” is a better way of saying it?

  ELIZABETH: Yes, that’s the truth. If my husband came home and was angry with me, I would want to know why and talk about it. Years ago I probably would have shut down completely and given him the silent treatment for a few days. I would like to think I’ve grown a bit in my twenty-five years of marriage and that I practice what I preach. I am also incredibly lucky to have a husband who is not an intrinsically angry person. But there are many occasions where we are emotionally in very different places, and I do get frustrated. So then I pull out my toolbox.

  JENNY: I shut down. I totally shut down. I sometimes shut down for three years after one anger burst from a partner.

  ELIZABETH: Yes, I’m your therapist. (Laughs.) I know!

  JENNY: What are the stats today for divorce?

  ELIZABETH: Today, one out of two marriages in America wind up in divorce.

  JENNY: What?!! That’s not good. Why is it so bad?

  ELIZABETH: It really is quite a disturbing statistic!!! Now, let’s combine that with all the unresolved issues that people have not dealt with from their past childhoods, and you have the perfect recipe for disaster!!!!! There are two sets of baggage people have to deal with. One from their pain of childhood that they have never quite come to terms with, and another set of baggage whose tag reads “Adult.” They are one and the same! And of course I use that word loosely. The couples with the best chance to have a successful outcome in therapy are the ones who recognize there are problems early on in the relationship. They come to see how their childhood defenses can create all the fighting and dysfunction, and then they start to build their toolboxes based on their new knowledge of themselves.

  JENNY: Okay, give us another tool.

  ELIZABETH: The time-out tool.

  JENNY: I love the time-out tool.

  ELIZABETH: I know you do!

  JENNY: Just to fill people in, my ex-husband John would follow me around the house arguing with me, and instead of ever coming to a resolution, he would just go back to the beginning of the problem and repeat it all over again. It was like he was on a hamster wheel. That’s what I used to call it when he would take me all the way back to the beginning of the problem after I thought we had resolved it. So I would run from room to room telling him to shut up because we were getting nowhere.

  ELIZABETH: Yes, so when you came in, I told you that either party gets to call a time-out when you feel like both of you are getting too heated and the situation is not getting resolved. The length of the time-out can be decided by the couple. Those can vary from couple to couple. But the most important aspect of this tool is to revisit the same issue after having thought it through in a quieter atmosphere. I also suggest that to go past one half hour is too long. The goal in this technique is for cooler and calmer heads to prevail while thinking about a more positive resolution to the problem.

  JENNY: Mine was ten minutes. And it absolutely saved my life. I had moments of peace throughout the day when I got to call the time-out.

  ELIZABETH: Yes, but I want to emphasize that you are both in time-outs. Not just one of you. Couples need to know it’s a two-way street, and during that time you’re not supposed to zone out. You are working alone on how to resolve the situation. Then after ten minutes or however long you choose, you come back together and hopefully utilize the honey and vinegar technique. One of the best lines I can give to a couple to start off with after an unsuccessful time-out is always “I am still confused.” Hopefully their toolbox is full enough to get through the existing problem.

  JENNY: That is a good one! It takes the power or charge out of the fight.

  ELIZABETH: Absolutely. It’s not an attacking phrase like “I’m angry at you. I hate you. What you are saying is stupid and ridiculous.” So by saying, “I’m confused,” you have changed the dance step. When two people are doing the same dance of dysfunction, like a tango, nothing changes. If the other person has gone to therapy on his or her own and has come to much self-realization, the dance step will change. This person may have learned a new dance step like the waltz. So what does that other partner have to do? He or she will need to figure out how to do the new dance, and may in fact stumble for a while. Whoever is the one doing the right functional dance will use their communication tools to help their partner learn how to participate together as a team. Always of course using the honey and vinegar technique.

  JENNY: So now we’ve got what sounds like two good tools. “I versus You,” and then we’ve got the time-outs. What about compromising?

  ELIZABETH: Compromising is incredibly important, and a huge tool for the toolbox. There has to be compromise, or there is no relationship. It has to be an accepted compromise on both sides. If you are not willing to compromise, you are going to go straight to divorce court. I promise. Compromise is key to any relationship.

  JENNY: So you don’t necessarily defend something that you feel is not a big deal? Like if my future guy wanted me to text on my phone less often.

  ELIZABETH: That’s fine as long as he compromises in return. It must be a two-way street—otherwise you just feel controlled and manipulated.

  JENNY: Wow, that’s a really good point. So if I compromise to text less, I could tell him in return I want more cuddle time after work?

  ELIZABETH: Absolutely. And by the way, if you are with a guy where you have to compromise your need for cuddling, in my opinion you’re with the wrong guy!

  JENNY: Which brings me to my last question: “Can I bring my next boyfriend to you before I get serious with him?”

  ELIZABETH: If you don’t I’m gonna crack your … head open.

  JENNY: I’m serious.

  ELIZABETH: So am I!

  [12]

  The Power of a Loving No

  My entire life, I have been doing things I don’t want to do for the sake of helping others and winning their approval. I endured years of grooming by nuns to pretend that I cared what people were talking about; to act as if I enjoyed people I couldn’t stand; and to do things for people when they asked me to, even though I didn’t want to. This kind of conditioning has caused me so much misery. Some might read this and say, “Of course you should do those things, you selfish brat. Those are all acts of kindness.” But are they? Do acts of kindness require one person to be miserable to make another person happy? It just doesn’t seem right. I had to learn my lesson the hard way and have only become awakened to this at the age of thirty-seven. I’m hoping this chapter can teach you the power of a loving no, so that you too can save years of discomfort. So now I would invite you to open your mind and think back to all those times you did favors for people, had sex when you didn’t feel like it, and stayed friends with someone way past the friendship’s expiration date—and learn the importance of making yourself happy.

  As far back as kindergarten my teacher told the class, “Saying yes to people when they ask for a favor will help you make a lot of friends,” in her chipper brainwashing voice. So, with that in mind, I was the girl that did whatever anyone told me to do.

  “Jenny, go smash that bug and then p
ut it in a sandwich.” Okay. “Jenny, can you do my homework for me?” Okay. “Jenny, listen to the priest and smile when he tells you the story of Jesus for the next five hours.” Okay. “Jenny, go steal a fifth of Bacardi from the store.” Okay. “Jenny, can you work on Christmas Day for the fifth year in a row?” Okay. “Jenny, will you give up all your friends because I’m your boyfriend and you don’t need them anymore?” Okay. “Jenny, can I borrow two thousand dollars?” Okay. “Jenny, can you skip your sister’s party tomorrow and help me move my furniture into a new apartment?” Okay.

  Relationships between husbands and wives can sound a lot like this. The husband is usually asking the questions: “Can we please have sex even though you don’t want to?” Okay. “Can we watch hockey instead of the season finale of Dancing with the Stars?” Okay. “Can you let my parents come on vacation with us?” Okay. “Can I go out with my buddies this weekend even though you’ve been locked up in the house with the kids all week?” Okay. “Can we spend the money on a flat-screen TV instead of your new boobs?” Okay.

  I know there are some tough women out there who will be reading that last bit thinking, “No way, I would kick his ass. Over my dead body would I ever let him get away with that.” Well, then I would say to read that last paragraph again with you being the one asking the questions, and your husband always saying “Okay.” Maybe he’s miserable, and you don’t even know it. The thing that I want to make clear is that I’m not saying you can’t agree to compromise and truly help someone out when they need it. What I’m saying is that you have to truly want to do it. Only if you want to do it, you say yes. If you don’t want to do something, the response is a loving no. I have found that people can connect to the honesty and not hold hostility when it’s an honest no.