Lang Downs

by Ariel Tachna

  Kami hummed in reply, and Chris went on with his work and his daydreaming, hoping he’d do enough work to satisfy Kami so the cook wouldn’t ask about the daydreaming.

  They got breakfast ready, and Chris even managed to flirt a bit with Jesse across the serving line. Once the jackaroos had headed out for the day and Chris went back into the kitchen to start the lunch preparations, Kami cornered him. “Sit down.”

  Chris swallowed nervously. “Yes, sir?”

  Kami rolled his eyes. “Don’t give me that ‘sir’ bit. I’m not your father, thank all the gods. You want to tell me what’s going on?”

  “Going on?” Chris asked. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He didn’t know what was going on with him and Jesse for one thing, but more than that, he didn’t want to share it with anyone. It was too new, too precious. Even if it was nothing but harmless flirtation, it was his, and he didn’t want to spoil that by sharing it.

  “I’m not blind,” Kami said. “I recognize infatuation when I see it. Caine walked around with the same look on his face when he and Macklin started getting together.”

  “I’m not infatuated,” Chris protested.

  “Then what would you call it?” Kami asked. “You don’t know him, whoever he is, well enough to be in love with him. You’ve only been here a couple of weeks, and you’ve hardly spent any time with anyone other than your brother.”

  Chris didn’t reply.

  “It must be that new one who’s been helping Patrick out,” Kami said. “Dark hair, green eyes, bit of a swagger. Jesse, maybe?”

  “He doesn’t swagger,” Chris protested.

  “That is the one then,” Kami said. “You defend him like Caine defended Macklin, even before anyone knew they were together. That boy’s been to a few stations, I’d wager, based on the easy way he fit in here. He’s going to be skittish as a sheep with a pair of dingoes on its heels. He’s used to the way other stations work, not the way Lang Downs does.”

  “And how is that different?”

  Kami laughed, the sound nearly rusty. “You think every station boss treats his employees like family? You need to go spend a few days at Taylor Peak. You don’t know how lucky you were that Seth found Caine and Macklin and not some other grazier and his men. They might have saved you out of a sense of fair play, but you’d have been left in the hospital with nowhere to go and nothing to do when you lost whatever shite job you had. Instead you’re living in the big house, working part of the day while your brother goes to school and learns a trade that will make him an asset on every station from here to Perth. Jesse, he’s used to being an employee at best, and if they find out he’s a poofter, that’s the end of even that much place on a station. You can’t blame him for protecting himself.”

  “But you said Lang Downs isn’t like that.”

  “It isn’t,” Kami agreed, “but he’s been here only as long as you have, not enough to trust it even if he’s begun to see it. It goes against everything he’s learned to expect.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “Well, now that depends on you and on what happened between you and on what you want,” Kami said.

  “It would help if I knew,” Chris replied honestly.

  “You’re young,” Kami said. “No one expects you to have all the answers, but just think a little about Jesse and his experiences and what he might be feeling right now. Right or wrong, he sees a kid who’s just been beaten half to death for being gay, a kid who’s barely had a chance to live and then had to take on responsibility for his brother, a kid who’s maybe had a sweet first love or maybe had a few one-nighters, but a kid who has a lot of living to do before he’s ready to grow up and settle down.”

  “So what do I do?” Chris repeated. “I’m lost here.”

  “Forget about Jesse for a minute,” Kami said. “You can’t decide what to do about him until you decide what to do about yourself. He’s chosen his path in life. He’s a jackaroo. That doesn’t mean he’ll always be a drifter, but it means he’ll always be on a station somewhere, isolated, living with the land, dependent on the weather and the seasons, and if he doesn’t find a station to settle on, it could mean he’ll never have a real home. Most jackaroos settle somewhere eventually or they get tired of the life and do something else instead. He hasn’t given up yet, and he’s older than most who decide to get out, so this is his life. You’re younger, though. You’ve barely had a chance to experience life yet, much less decide what you want out of it.”

  “I know what I don’t want,” Chris said, because that much was true. “I don’t want to be hungry again. I don’t want to worry about having a place to live or enough money to pay the rent. I want a place I can trust, people I can trust to be there when I need them.”

  Kami didn’t reply right away, but he leaned back a little and looked around the room. “The old man founded this station seventy-five years ago on a wish and prayer and on the belief that there was a better life ahead. He took the land no one else wanted and turned it into something good and lasting. He knew every jackaroo who came through here, even the ones who only stayed a summer. He paid every one of them a fair wage for their work and made a home for those who wanted more than just a summer’s work. You have to decide if this can be your home, if this is the life you want, but Caine honors his uncle’s legacy.”

  “It can’t be that easy,” Chris said.

  “Why not?” Kami asked.

  “Because… because they don’t know me? Because I don’t know anything about sheep? Because I’m just a kid they rescued from his own stupidity? Because nobody ever wants me around anyway?” The last bit was out before he could stop it. He groaned when he realized what he’d said, letting his head fall to his arms on the counter, hiding from Kami’s reaction.

  The hand that patted his shoulder was awkward but comforting nonetheless, giving Chris the courage to peek up at Kami. The expression on the older man’s face was the exact opposite of the derision and pity he expected. Instead he saw such sympathy he nearly lost his control over the tears that threatened.

  “Nobody wanted me until I got here,” Kami said softly. “Nobody wanted Macklin. Neil was kicked off more stations than you can count for picking fights with other jackaroos. Even Caine thought nobody really wanted him until he got here, and you think any of us knew anything about sheep? Well, except maybe Neil since he’d worked at other stations first. Caine had never even been on a farm before, much less on a working sheep station. It’s your choice, Chris, just like it was all of ours. Maybe Lang Downs isn’t the right place for you. It isn’t the right place for everyone—it never has been—but don’t lump us in with all the people in your past who judged you for whatever reason. There’s no judgment here. If you want to learn, Macklin will teach you. If you want to stay, Caine will find a place for you. You’ll work harder for them than you’ve ever worked in your life, probably harder than you’d work at any other station because they expect more of their men, but you’ll never miss a meal, you’ll never be without friends, and you’ll never worry about having a roof over your head, because that isn’t the way we work around here. We take care of our own, and all you have to do is claim your place.”

  “If that’s true, then this is heaven on earth,” Chris murmured.

  “Welcome to paradise,” Kami replied, his face so serious Chris could almost believe it was real.

  Almost.

  “Go follow Neil around today instead of hanging out with the mechanics,” Kami said. “You can’t do much with the sheep, but you can learn the commands to talk to the dogs. If you’re going to stay, you’ll need to know how to work with all the animals, unless you’re planning on being my kitchen slave for life.”

  JESSE TOLD himself he wasn’t looking for Chris as he walked toward the canteen for dinner, but Chris hadn’t come to the machine shed that afternoon as had become his habit, and Jesse didn’t know quite what to make of that. He didn’t want to think he’d done something to alienate Chris already. The ki
ssing and the potential for more aside, Jesse enjoyed Chris’s company. The rest was icing on the cake. He’d missed Chris that afternoon, missed his smile as he handed Jesse tools and his conversation as he kept Jesse company and tried to pretend he understood some of what the mechanics were talking about as they worked.

  Seth and Jason had been absent that afternoon as well, probably stuck at the computer doing schoolwork, leaving only Patrick and the other two mechanics, somewhat older men who knew each other from years of working side by side and didn’t feel the need to fill the time with idle conversation. Fortunately they’d finished rebuilding the tractor engine that afternoon, so shearing would start in the morning. It would be at least a week of grueling, sweaty work, but it would be outside with the other jackaroos, and it would keep him too busy to think about Chris and how innocently trusting he’d been in Jesse’s arms.

  He shouldn’t have been able to pick Chris’s laughter out of the mixture of voices around him as all the jackaroos headed in for dinner, but he heard it clear as a bell, cutting through the deeper tones of the older men. Jesse couldn’t stop the impulse to look around and find Chris. To his surprise, Chris was kneeling down next to Neil, playing with the old kelpie who was never far from Neil’s side. Jesse had seen how protective Neil was of his dog—a mutual sentiment from what he could tell—which only added to his shock.

  “Come, Max,” Chris called playfully, running a few steps from where Neil watched, grinning. The dog looked up at Neil, clearly asking permission, but the moment it was given, he shot off after Chris, nipping at his heels. Chris laughed louder and kept running.

  “You should go join them,” Caine said, startling Jesse out of his spying.

  “What?”

  “Max loves to play, especially when he hasn’t spent the day herding sheep. Tomorrow evening he’ll be too tired to run this way, since he and Neil will spend the day driving sheep into the pen for shearing and then out to the paddocks to head out of the valley in a few days, but he’ll wear Chris out in no time. Not to mention, I’m not sure Chris should be running that way with his ribs.”

  “He said he was feeling a lot better,” Jesse replied automatically.

  “That’s good,” Caine said, “but that wasn’t what I said. You should go join them.”

  “You think so?” Jesse asked.

  “Why wouldn’t I think so?” Caine replied. “You and he have been practically inseparable since you got here. Did you have a fight?”

  “No, we didn’t have a fight,” Jesse said, glad he could be honest about that at least. He wasn’t about to tell Caine what had really happened. “He… he didn’t come to the machine shed today.”

  Caine chuckled. “He spent the afternoon with Neil and Max, learning about sheep. I heard him and Neil while I helped Jason and Polly teach Seth the same things.”

  Jesse hesitated a moment longer, watching the easy laughter between Chris and Neil. He refused to label the churning in his stomach as jealousy.

  “You do know Neil is so straight it’s scary and that he’s completely taken with Molly, right? Whatever there is between you and Chris, Neil is no threat to that.”

  “I was just reminding myself of that fact,” Jesse admitted. “It didn’t help.”

  “Then go over there and join them,” Caine repeated. “You don’t get what you want in life without fighting for it. If he’s what you want, standing over here with me isn’t going to help either.”

  “You know,” Jesse said with a smile. “You’re right. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome,” Caine said, returning Jesse’s smile. “Just don’t be late for dinner.”

  Jesse had no intention of opening them up to that kind of scrutiny so soon, and certainly not without Chris’s agreement, but he’d already said enough. Caine hadn’t seemed disapproving. On the contrary, he seemed encouraging, but Jesse didn’t want to give Caine reason to change his mind.

  “Hey, mate,” he said, joining Chris and Neil. “You didn’t come help out with the tractor today.”

  “Hi, Jesse,” Chris said, the smile on his face so luminous that Jesse wondered momentarily if he could drag Chris somewhere private for a kiss before dinner. “You know I’m not really any help with the engines. I thought it was time I started learning how to be a jackaroo.”

  “He has a way with dogs,” Neil said approvingly. “Max doesn’t listen to just anyone.”

  “He just likes me because you told him to listen to me,” Chris said, reaching down to stroke Max’s head.

  “No,” Neil insisted. “Usually the only other person he’ll listen to consistently is Macklin, but he listened to you all afternoon.”

  Jesse almost said something flirtatious, but Neil was standing right there, smiling at Chris encouragingly. Jesse didn’t think a comment directed at Chris in Neil’s hearing would really have unforeseen consequences. Neil had helped save Chris’s life. He’d defended Caine and Macklin to the other hands, but Jesse wasn’t Caine and Macklin. He was just a new, unknown jackaroo, and if Jesse had misjudged Neil’s tolerance, he had enough sway with the other jackaroos to make the summer miserable. Jesse didn’t think it would come to that, but he wasn’t quite ready to take the chance. “Caine told us not to be late to dinner,” he said instead. “Maybe we should go inside.”

  “HI, CHRIS,” Seth said, running up to his brother, Jason in tow. “Guess what I did today?”

  “I don’t know,” Chris said, reaching out to ruffle Seth’s light brown hair with his good hand. Seth had gotten their mother’s coloring. Chris supposed he could attribute his own blond hair to their father, but he didn’t know for sure. He nodded for Jesse and Neil to go on inside. He wanted a few minutes alone with his brother. “What did you do today?”

  “I learned to herd sheep!” Seth was practically bouncing in his hand-me-down boots. “Jason taught me, and Caine pretended to be a sheep so I’d have someone to practice on!”

  Chris had a hard time imagining Caine running around baaing like a sheep and trying to go the opposite direction of where the dog wanted him to go, but whatever the grazier had done, Seth was enchanted with the memory of it. “Sounds like fun.”

  “It was, and tomorrow Jason is going to help with the shearing, and he said I could go with him too!”

  “That’s great,” Chris said, swallowing down his jealousy. It wasn’t Seth’s fault Chris had a broken arm and could only be of limited help.

  “So what did you do today?” Seth asked.

  “The same thing you did,” Chris said, “only without Caine as the sheep. Neil taught me some commands using his training course.”

  “It’s fun, isn’t it?” Seth asked.

  “It is,” Chris said. “Does this mean you like it here?”

  “Yes,” Seth said, his voice small. “Is that all right?”

  “Yes,” Chris said. “I like it here too, although I think I’ll like it better once I get this lead weight off my arm.”

  “Just a couple more weeks,” Seth said.

  And then physical therapy to build the muscles back up again. But Chris didn’t say that to Seth. His brother was trying to make him feel better, and Chris appreciated it. It really had been a good afternoon. He’d started learning a useful skill.

  “Can we go eat now?” Seth asked. “I’m hungry.”

  “Sure,” Chris said.

  Jesse was still there, sitting alone in the corner, pushing his food around his plate. Seth waved at him enthusiastically. “I can’t wait to tell Jesse about Caine.”

  “Go do that,” Chris said. “I need to talk to Kami.”

  Seth looked at him strangely but hurried off to grab a plate and regale Jesse with tales of his afternoon.

  “What are you doing in here?” Kami asked when Chris came around to the kitchen.

  “I needed to say thank you,” Chris said. “I took your advice and had a good afternoon, much better than I thought I could. Neil really taught me a lot, in between talking about how wonderful Molly was and hoping s
he’d notice him this summer. I wouldn’t have asked for his help if you hadn’t made me think about what I was doing when we talked this morning.”

  “He’s a good boy,” Kami said, “now that he’s starting to settle down. You could do worse when it comes to learning from someone. Now get out of here. I have work to do.”

  Chris chuckled and left the kitchen with a shake of his head. His reaction made him smile even more widely. A week ago, he’d have worried what he’d done to offend Kami. Now he chalked it up to the aborigine’s irascibility. Lang Downs was starting to feel like home.

  Out in the canteen, Chris filled his plate with Kami’s extraordinary pad thai and walked over to where Seth was still recounting Caine’s antics to Jesse. Chris sat down without comment, letting himself get caught up in Seth’s tale. His little brother had a knack for wringing every bit of humor out of a funny story, and Jesse was grinning from ear to ear and chuckling by the time Seth was done.

  “Did Caine really do that?” Jesse asked Chris.

  “I don’t know,” Chris replied, caught up in the light-heartedness of the moment. “I didn’t hear any of this until just a minute ago. I spent the afternoon with a different teacher. It was fun, but not that much fun.”

  “Working with the dogs takes real talent,” Jesse said to Seth. “Not all the jackaroos have the patience for it. Those are the ones who end up riding fences or cleaning out barns. You should both be very proud of yourselves.”

  “Really?” Chris asked. “I figured everyone worked with the dogs.”

  “No,” Jesse said, “at least not at most stations. At most stations, only a few jackaroos have dogs of their own and work with them, and they don’t like to share. One more way Lang Downs is different, I suppose.”

  “Really!” Chris said. “I would never have guessed from the way Neil agreed to teach me that it was any big deal at all. I’ll have to remember to thank him again. Did you get the tractor finished today?”