Baking and Babies

by Tara Sivec

  Tyler quickly grabs the microphone from the floor where Molly dropped it, tapping on it a few times before addressing the crowd.

  “And that concludes the dinner theater portion of the reception! How about we give these guys a hand for their amazing and artistic portrayal of a white trash family?!” Tyler says, clapping his hand against the microphone as the room slowly joins in. “Help yourself to the open bar and stay tuned for the next show in forty-five minutes. The famous author, Alfanso D. will be cooking up some tasty babies as a special treat for everyone!”

  He sets down the microphone and the confused guests start getting up from their tables to head to the bar where hopefully there’s enough booze to make all of them black-out.

  “You take care of this one, I’m going to help Mom and Dad,” Ava tells me, shoving Molly into my arms. “Fix her, or I will use the box of toothpicks in my grandfather’s pocket to filet your dick like a trout and shove it down your throat.”

  My dick tries to claw its way up inside my body in fear when Ava gives me the two-finger warning, point at her eyes and then my crotch area before walking away.

  Taking a deep breath, I turn Molly around to face me and quietly begin pulling pieces of ham and salami out of her hair.

  “I ruined my sister’s wedding and you ruined my heart,” she whispers sadly.

  Glancing behind her, I see Gavin down on his knees talking to Charlotte’s stomach with a huge smile on his face while the rest of her family laughs and jokes with each other around them.

  “Only one of those things is true,” I tell her quietly as I peal off a slice of ham stuck to her shoulder and toss it to the floor. Gently turning her body around, I point to her family a few feet away.

  “I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad!” Gavin says happily, placing another kiss to Charlotte’s stomach before jumping to his feet and pulling her in for a hug.

  Charlotte nestles her face into the side of his neck and mumbles an apology.

  “I’m sorry I lied to you. I should have told you the truth, I was just so scared of losing you. I’m such an idiot…” she trails off.

  “You’re both idiots,” Claire tells them, glaring at Gavin. “How in the hell did you not realize your fiancé was pregnant when you live together?”

  Gavin shrugs. “I mean, I knew she was acting different, but you always told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say that I shouldn’t say anything at all. What kind of a man would I be if I told the woman I love that I thought her ass was getting a little big?”

  Charlotte starts crying and Gavin quickly backpedals. “I didn’t mean it like that! You have a GREAT ass!”

  Drew steps forward and nods enthusiastically. “It’s true, you do. Tom Brady always grabs the gherkin when he looks at your ass.”

  Molly turns away from them and I press my hands to her cheeks, tilting her face up to me.

  “You have no idea how sorry I am.”

  She sniffles, swiping angrily at a tear on her cheek. I hate myself for making her cry, but at least she’s not running away, refusing to listen. Judging by what just happened, I’m pretty sure she polished off more vodka than everyone in this room combined and who knows if she’ll even understand or remember what I’m about to say, but I know it’s the only chance I have to explain and I’m taking it whether she passes out or throws up.

  Giving up on the meat since there seems to be a hell of a lot stuck to her and down the front of her dress, I grab her face and tilt it up so I can see her eyes.

  “I’m sorry for lying to you,” I whisper. “It killed me to keep it from you, and I swear on my mother and sister’s lives that I’ve tried to tell you so many times the last few weeks. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole and kept putting it off because I was so afraid of losing you.”

  She sighs loudly and I start talking faster before she walks away.

  “I was a jerk before we got together, and yes, I said and did a lot of stupid shit online just to get people to laugh and buy that stupid cookbook. You changed everything, Molly. You and your crazy family made me want things I never thought I did before. I’ve never been so tied up in knots or so scared or crazy. You make me crazy, and it’s the best thing that’s every happened to me,” I tell her softly.

  “I was so scared to tell you the truth because I know how much you hate that guy. I hate him too but you have to know I’m not him anymore, and it’s because of you. It kills me knowing I hurt you and it breaks my heart that I’m the reason for your tears. Please, forgive me, Molly. If you give me one more chance, I promise I’ll never make you cry again. I’ll spend every day showing you I’m not that same jerk who exploited women for a stupid cookbook. Give me a chance to earn your trust again. I love you. I’ve waited my whole life for someone like you. Stay with me, say you’ll forgive me, and I will do anything. Whatever it takes.”

  I stop talking and hold my breath until she finally speaks.

  “You’ll do anything?” she asks.

  My heart beats faster with excitement even though I shouldn’t get my hopes up. There is no way she’ll forgive me this easily and I don’t blame her.

  I nod my head quickly in response.

  “Whatever I ask?” she questions.

  I nod again and she pushes up on her tiptoes and whispers softly in my ear. When she’s finished, she pulls away and I drop my hands from her face with a soft groan.

  “Really? Right now?”

  She takes a few steps back and grabs the microphone from the table where Tyler left it, her eyes never leaving mine as she comes back to me and holds it out in front of her.

  “I’m covered in meat grease and announced to everyone I know that I puked on a dick because I drank half a bottle of vodka to try and stop my heart from hurting,” she tells me, pointing towards the room full of people. “Right here, right now.”

  With a sigh, I bring the microphone up to my mouth.

  “Excuse me, could I have everyone’s attention, please?”

  The low hum of conversation in the room immediately quiets down and all eyes turn to me. I glance at Molly to see if she might change her mind, but she just crosses her arm and waits for me to do what she asked.

  I look back out at the crowd and smile nervously.

  “So, um, hello everyone. My name is Marco and I just want to thank you all for coming and tell you I masturbate into my socks. Like, a lot.”

  I laugh uncomfortably at the silence in the room, looking over at Molly again to see her pull a piece of salami out of the front of her dress and take a bite. She motions to me with the half-eaten slice to continue, the meat flopping around in her hand as I look back out at the crowded room.

  “I like how the soft, fuzzy cotton of tube socks feels against my penis. I am a tube-sock-masturbator, and I’m not ashamed to leave crusty, jizz-filled socks under my bed for my mom to find,” I say in a rush, quickly pulling the microphone away from my mouth.

  “WE LOVE YOU, MINIVAN!” Drew screams.

  The guests immediately go back to their drinks and conversation, no longer shocked about anything that happens at this point.

  Tossing the microphone on top of the table, I wrap my arms around Molly’s waist and pull her against my body. “Am I forgiven now?”

  She presses her hands against my chest and looks up at me.

  “Not yet, but that definitely earned you a few bonus points,” she tells me with a smile.

  I can finally start breathing normally again and I lean my face down to hers, needing to feel her lips against mine to reassure myself that everything will be okay.

  Her hand comes up between us and she presses it against my lips right before they touch hers.

  “I really want to kiss you even thought I’m still kind of pissed at you, but I think I’m ready to throw up all the vodka now. Eating that meat was a bad idea,” she whispers, moving her hand from my mouth to hold it over her own.

  “Oooooh, does Molly have the meat sweats now?” Charlotte laughs as her and Gavin walk
up to us with their arms wrapped around each other.

  “I think it’s the vodka sweats,” I tell her as Molly bends forward and puts her hands on her knees while I rub her back.

  “Oh, that’s nothing. Try having the night sweats because you’re becoming a changeling,” Jenny announces, walking over with Drew while Claire and Carter and Liz and Jim follow.

  “Jesus, Jenny, how many times do I have to tell you it’s called going through the change, not becoming a fucking changeling?” Claire tells her.

  Drew shakes his head sadly and pats her back. “Sweetie, you don’t have to make up stories about menopause. It’s okay to admit you’ve been waking up with hot flashes because you’re having sex dreams about poop sex. You’re amongst family and no one will judge you. I’ve accepted your fetish, and I promise to take a dump on you the next time I’ve got one ready.”

  Molly groans down by my knees and I feel her pain as my stomach rolls with the need to puke right along with her.

  “I’m going to pretend I never heard those words come out of your mouth and just say I’m glad you girls finally got your shit together and came clean,” Liz says. “Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to keep a straight face the last few weeks? Jesus, Claire and I deserve a fucking medal.”

  Molly’s head pops up and she looks quickly between her mother and her aunt. “You knew? This entire time you knew we were lying?”

  Liz and Claire share a look and start laughing.

  “Duh. Do we look like idiots?” Liz asks.

  “Do you think maybe you should have clued me in on this information?” Jim complains.

  Liz glares at him. “I was going to until I found out that stain on my living room carpet is actually meerkat jizz and not chip dip, like you swore it was.”

  Jim groans and Drew starts laughing. “Fucking Tom Brady. That little guy sure did appreciate turtle porn, let me tell you. I’ve never seen so much spooge come out of such a tiny animal.”

  Molly immediately turns her head and relieves herself of that pesky vodka, all over my shoes while Charlotte does the same down the front of Gavin’s tux.

  “But seriously,” Liz continues, like the pukefest isn’t even happening. “I kind of just wanted to see how far you guys would take it before putting you out of your misery, but then you three girls started getting along like real sisters and that seemed more important than the shit-show you were putting on for us.”

  I’m not sure who is more shocked right now since Charlotte, Ava, Molly and I all share the same jaw-dropping looks of surprise.

  “So, Molly’s not pregnant?” Drew asks.

  Liz shakes her head. “Nope.”

  “But she had sex, right? You had sex?” Drew asks, turning to look at Molly, still bent over down by my knees.

  “Uh, yes?” Molly replies uncertainly.

  “WOOOHOOO, Molly had sex!” Drew cheers, punching his fists in the air.

  A painful ‘oof’ comes out of him when Jim punches him in the stomach. When Drew recovers, he holds his hands up in front of her to stop Jim from hitting him again.

  “I know, I know! She’s my niece, and it’s disgusting I’m happy, but…it’s sex, dude!” Drew explains. “Sex is awesome! But, she’s my niece and I should be pissed. But sex is awesome!”

  Drew crosses his arms and shakes his head. “I hate being so conflicted.”

  Liz grabs Charlotte and Ava, pulling them over to Molly as she finally stands back up and takes a deep breath to calm her churning stomach.

  “I almost smothered the three of you when you were toddlers and couldn’t get along. Then, I tried to sell you on eBay when all three of you had your periods at the same time and almost killed each other,” Liz tells them. “Now that you’re adults, I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve done research on turning you into mail-order brides and shipping you off to another country to make you someone else’s problem. Can you girls finally admit you love each other and stop acting like assholes?”

  The three sisters look at each other quietly for a few minutes before they all smile.

  “I’m sorry I ruined your wedding,” Molly tells Charlotte.

  “I’m sorry I made you lie to everyone and carry my baby,” Charlotte replies with a shrug. “I’d hug you, but you still smell like meat.”

  Molly nods, leaning her head on my shoulder as I shake her puke off my shoes.

  Charlotte, Molly and Liz turn their heads towards Ava and wait for her to apologize.

  “I’m sorry I’ve had to put up with you two slutty cock-knobs my entire life.”

  Liz sighs and Ava rolls her eyes.

  “Fine! You know I hate all this touchy-feely shit,” she grumbles. “I love you fuckers. I’m sorry I couldn’t be less of an asshole than you two and it took this shit to bring us together.”

  Satisfied with the apologies and the love in the room, Liz drops her arms from around Ava and Charlotte, motioning towards the back of the room.

  “It’s T-Time, assholes. I need a drink.”

  Everyone cheers and they all follow Liz as she leads them to the bar, leaving Molly and I alone.

  I wrap my arms around Molly and hold her tight as we watch Gavin and Charlotte bring up the rear holding hands, staring at each other lovingly despite the crazy train their wedding turned in to.

  “I love you and I really like your family, but we’re eloping when we get married,” I tell Molly.

  “Oh, there is no fucking way we’re inviting any of these lunatics,” she agrees, wrapping her arms around my waist as we make our way across the room to continue celebrating with all the crazies.

  Epilogue

  Molly

  One year later…

  “God dammit, Tom Brady,” Uncle Drew mutters, shaking his head at the meerkat he has on a leash. “Your dick is going to fall off if you keep it up.”

  Mom’s face curls up in disgust as she stares at the new stain on her carpet.

  “Drew, get that damn animal out of my house. That’s the third time today he’s jerked-off on my carpet. What the fuck is wrong with him?”

  Uncle Drew bends forward in his chair and quickly covers the animal’s ears. “Don’t yell at Tom Brady! It’s not his fault he has a healthy libido.”

  After the night of the bachelor and bachelorette parties, Uncle Drew got a call from the zookeeper informing him that due to the trauma the meerkat sustained, he was suffering from PTSD and his behavior was scaring the zoo guests. To save the animal from being shipped back to Australia and placed in a home for wayward meerkats, Uncle Drew adopted him. I don’t know how that’s legal and I don’t want to know. It’s always best to never ask questions in this family.

  “Alright, in honor of this momentous occasion, I think we need a T-Time,” mom announces as she goes around the living room handing out shot glasses and filling them with cherry vodka.

  I look around the room and smile as my family laughs and jokes with each other while my mom finishes her bartender duties. They’re certifiably insane and drive me crazy, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I spent so long being an outsider that I never felt like I fit in and often wondered if I was adopted. All I needed to do was go a little crazy myself and realize we aren’t that different. We might not all be blood, but we’re all family and we found each other because of one crazy decision my Aunt Claire made at a frat party all those years ago. We’ve stuck by each other through crazy situations and continue to love each other because that’s what families do, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  “I can’t believe you actually want to watch this,” Aunt Claire complains when my mom finishes with everyone’s shots and sets the empty bottle on the coffee table.

  “I feel bad all that footage went to waste. We owe it to Dicky Daren for what he went through,” mom explains, taking a seat in between Aunt Claire and dad.

  After six months of following our family around and another three months of the production company editing the hundreds of hours they filmed down to two, they we
re unable to sell it to any network. It’s a sad, sad day when even the adult film networks passed because our documentary was just too inappropriate for television.

  “I bet it was Tom Brady that put them over the edge,” Uncle Drew announces sadly.

  “I’m pretty sure it was the audio recording of Molly regurgitating a dick,” Ava laughs.

  Everyone joins in and my face heats in embarrassment.

  “Have I apologized for not remembering to take my mic off that night?” Marco whispers close to my ear.

  I turn my face towards him and the tips of our noses touch. “Don’t worry, you’ll be making it up to me later tonight. I brought home a few new samples from work for us to try.”

  His eyes light up and he kisses the tip of my nose.

  “I hope it’s those satin wrist ties. You’ll look so hot tied to my bed so I can have my way with you,” he tells me with a wink.

  Reaching my hand up between us, I pat my palm against his cheek. “Actually, it’s a ball gag and butt plug. You’ll look so hot when I violate you on my bed.”

  His eyes widen in fear and I leave him to his worry when my mom instructs everyone to hold up their glasses.

  Uncle Drew puts Tom Brady back on the floor by his feet, wrapping his arm around Aunt Jenny’s waste as she sits on his lap and they both raise their shot glasses in the air.

  Dad and Uncle Carter, on either end of the couch, hold their arms high while mom and Aunt Claire, squished in between them, tilt their heads together and raise their own glasses.

  Gavin stops pacing behind the couch and shifts Molly Marco Ellis, his five-month-old sleeping daughter, to his other shoulder to grab the shot Charlotte hands him. When he takes it, Charlotte softly rubs Molly’s back, places a kiss on her daughter’s head and holds up her own shot.

  “Hey, Marco, I forgot to tell you Ava and I tried out chapter twelve of Baking and Babies when we were watching little Molly Marco the other day,” Tyler tells him, throwing his arm around Ava’s shoulders as they lean against the side of the coffee table on the floor. “Bouncy Seat Brownies and Blowjobs was a hit, man. Well done!”