Chaos (Blackwell Bayou Series Book 1)

by Chelle C. Craze

  “I burped,” he lied and I smirked, climbing into the back seat of Mom’s vehicle. It was his day; otherwise, I may have fought him for the front. It was funny. Despite our age, I found we still fought over little shit.

  Honestly, I missed fighting over little things. I’d spent so long consumed with blaming myself and everyone else around me that I forgot how to forgive. They were helping me cope. Life was funny. I’d run from Mom and Jax, afraid I wouldn’t have the strength to deal with the memories associated with them. Actually, I knew I couldn’t. Yet, with time, and a fair amount of stubbornness on my behalf, I realized they were my strength. When Mom found me crying, she didn’t ask to talk about it. She held me and let me cry without questions. Without restraint. Jax helped me find a way to channel all of the anger and pain I harbored. He’d enrolled us in kickboxing classes, which I absolutely sucked at, but it felt good to hit the bag anyway.

  She didn’t buy his lie, but didn’t push the matter either. Her full lips pushed outward, and her eyes squinted as she turned the key to start the engine.

  In comparison, I had made a huge step into forgiving Drex and myself, if I’m being honest, but I still had a long way to go. The longer we were apart, the more time I had to realize my stupidity. Other than having the ability to raise the dead, nothing would ever bring Noah back, so hating Drex was pointless. I had to accept and cope with that fact, no matter how much every cell in my body denied it.

  Even though I missed Drex, I didn’t see myself ever reaching out to him because it’d been six months. At times, I had to remind myself the time we’d spent together was real and I hadn’t dreamed it all. In six months, anything was possible. Despite the fact I never really knew what his true feelings were. I’d only assumed we felt the same, but I was beginning to think I was wrong. He didn’t try to stop me from walking out of his life and hadn’t as much as texted since I left, and I knew if Lexie had my new number, he could, too. One could only assume Mom had given her my number because I didn’t. In attempt to cut all ties to Drex, I’d intentionally “forgotten” to give her my number, but she mysteriously texted after Mom was left alone with my phone.

  32

  Drex

  Day 224

  “Guess who I talked to?” Lexie dangled the bait in front of my nose, hoping I’d bite down on the hook.

  “Don’t care, Lex.” I glared at her, zeroing the scales as she placed our patient onto the exam table.

  “Yes, you do.”

  “Nope.”

  We argued back and forth while I finished the exam and she assisted.

  “Look, I’m all for Drex 2.0, but you do realize you went from being a drunk to being a workaholic?” She laid it all out on the table for me, not telling me anything I didn’t already know. “Don’t get me wrong, I like having you around and love the fact it gives Henry more free time…”

  “But?” I finished her statement, wishing she would get to her point.

  “But, Drex.” She paused, no doubt trying to peak my interest.

  “Pupils equal and reactant to light,” I continued my examination aloud, ignoring her. “Lung sounds clear bila —”

  “She’s engaged,” she whispered into the diaphragm of my stethoscope after pulling it from my fingertips.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I blurted out so loud it startled both Lexie and Red, my patient, as they both jumped.

  “Told you that you still cared.” She stuck out her tongue, not offering any excuses.

  “Bitch,” I cussed her as she winked, making it clear she’d made up the engagement.

  “Quit being a dick and go see her.”

  “I wasn’t the one who left,” I half-heartedly spat out, trying to be mad at Eris, but I wasn’t. Pretending to still be upset with her was easier than admitting to my sister I’d just let Eris leave because it was what she needed.

  “You didn’t have a reason, Drex,” she said in a serious tone, helping Red down and leading him back to his kennel. She thought she was pointing out something I didn’t already see. I wasn’t blind. I was trying to do the right thing.

  I’d spent months blaming Eris for leaving me and then a few more denying her existence. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d meet Noah’s mom. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. Working in the medical field for the better part of my life, I’d dealt with patients’ family members. You were praised when you gave good news, but when you failed, you were at fault. I didn’t mind being the bad guy in their eyes, because everyone needed someone to blame. It helped with the healing process, in my opinion. I blamed myself for not being able to save Noah, but again, I was okay with hating myself. The hardest thing to live with was letting Eris hate me. I needed her forgiveness, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever get it.

  Of all the time we’d spent together, I always fought to be selfless with her. Usually, I was unsuccessful. It was selfish of me to love her, so I didn’t chase after her. Every neuron in my brain fired, telling me to catch her and never let her go, but she deserved distance, so I sacrificed myself for her.

  Eventually, perhaps peace would find me, but I wasn’t holding my breath.

  33

  Eris

  Dealing with death came in strides for me. Passing time didn’t heal; it only made you forget the pain you once endured. I hadn’t visited Noah’s or Dad’s gravesite since I’d run to Blackwell so many years ago, and that didn’t change when I returned home. Yet, today being the anniversary of their accident, and I was only miles away for a job interview, it seemed as today was fated to be the day I finally visited them.

  Driving up the muddy dirt road, I prayed for the strength and forgiveness I needed to make it through the day. Mom offered to come along with me when I called and told her where I was going after my interview. Although I appreciated it, I told her no. There was only one person who was able to carry me through weakness, and he was in Blackwell.

  If I had actually planned to come here earlier and not decided spur of the moment, I would have bought flowers or something. Worst mom and daughter ever. Guilt swelled in my stomach as I parked the car, not being able to make it any farther in a vehicle. I’d be footing it the remainder of the way. Patches of dandelions were conveniently spread out on the nearby hillside, but I didn’t believe in coincidence. Happiness touched my lips, knowing it was a sign of some sort. I just didn’t know what. Without question, I yanked two handfuls from the ground, one for each of them, laughing because the dirt and roots were still attached. In the middle of breaking them off the stems, I stopped myself, thinking of how much Noah and Dad would have loved the roots being there, simply because it annoyed the shit out of me, so I left it. Wiping my hair away from my face wasn’t the best idea as dirt fell from my fingertips and into my mouth.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I cussed and spit, reaching the top of the hill and falling into the mud.

  If the flowers were a good sign, I wasn’t sure what face-planting in the mud and destroying most of them would signify, but I was confident Ray would have the answer. Only a few stragglers still held form, but determination pumped through my veins. They were getting the damned flowers anyway. Mud and all. Picking up essentially two handfuls of mud to get all the flowers, I got to my feet and kicked off my heels. They were probably the reason I fell in the first place.

  Tears filled my eyes as my determination quickly disappeared, remembering I had once again failed them. I couldn’t get anything right, not even the flowers I should have delivered to them years ago. Not only were they late, most of them were sadly matted to the other due to the amount of mud I held in my hands.

  A man clearing his throat stopped me in my tracks and docked my tears to dry. Slowly, my head raised and the tears burst through, lacking the restraints they once had.

  “Drex,” I said in disbelief, as if saying his name would validate his presence. My heart pounded excitement and sorrow into my body, and I didn’t know which route to travel.

  He simply smiled, lay
ing bleeding hearts and one rose onto both the headstones.

  “I should have known I’d see you here.” He took my wrists and helped me place the muddy flowers on top of the ones he’d brought. The wind was cold and crisp as it blew around us, but this gesture warmed me. If it were any two other people, this would be a disaster, but for Drex and me, roses, bleeding hearts, and mud made perfect sense.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I needed to ask for forgiveness,” he said, nodding his head toward my dad’s and son’s gravesites.

  “Me, too,” I told him, wanting to tell him they weren’t the only ones I needed it from.

  “Of course.” His hands dropped from my wrists, leaving almost clean prints where his palms had been. He walked past me, and my eyes followed him, certain this wasn’t how we should end, but reminded our end was set in stone when I left him.

  34

  Drex

  Day 389

  Walking away from her to give her the privacy she needed, I knew I’d regret it. I’d promised I wouldn’t see her. I’d only come to ask for their forgiveness, which was something I couldn’t ask of her. I wouldn’t be selfish with her again.

  Trying to wipe the mud from my palms onto my jeans was useless; it was just rubbing it deeper into the lines on my skin. This of all things unhinged me. I wanted to remain selfless, but let’s face it. I was and always would be a dick.

  “Eris?” I turned to face her, rolling up my sleeve to expose my newest tattoo, the word “Chaos” on my inner forearm.

  “Mhm,” she faintly answered, wiping the tears from her eyes and unintentionally smearing more mud onto her cheeks.

  With a deep breath, I tried to prepare myself for what would come, but how do you prepare for the unknown? You can’t. It’s simple as that. The missing pieces inside me loved the broken ones within her. I’d spent months feeling more loneliness than I’d ever thought one person could endure. I’d never questioned being alone before her. In fact, I preferred it.

  “Before you, I thought my life was over. I was just biding time as you put it,” I admitted, remembering what she’d told me. “I was miserable,” I added, taking two steps closer to her and she took one to meet me, our fingers intertwining as soon as they were within reach of each other’s. “It took me losing what I cared about most to know true heartache. We fight and I know tragedy brought us together, but a life without you,” I took her hands into my palms, rubbing my fingers along her knuckles, “isn’t worth living. We’re like this mud and the flowers beneath it. Looking at it without the story, you only see its ugliness. The rawness of it. But, knowing what it stands for, the love that brought it together. The mud. The flowers. The love. And us. It’s beautifully chaotic. All of it.”

  My pulse bounded within my throat with fear of her reaction. Eris and I didn’t have an epic novel of romance. It was impossible with me holding the lead male role. However, there were enough underlying flashes of an unforgettable love story beneath our beautiful tragedy, even I saw that. Perhaps two lonely people did hold the strength to complete the emptiness left in their souls by heartache, if only given a chance.

  Her mouth crashed into mine, and we kissed because we missed each other. Before, I loved her silently, and now I planned to love her out loud. Without restraint or judgment. My only wish was to give her a love that consumed her.

  35

  Drex

  Bonus Chapter

  Day 1590

  Pretending to sleep, I let out a loud snore, squeezing my eyelids together tighter as her fingers traced my eyelashes. I fought the urge to laugh as she huffed and plopped beside me onto the mattress.

  “Wake up, Daddy!” she complained and jabbed her little finger into my tear duct.

  “Fu…I’m awake. Daddy’s awake, Harmony,” I reassured her and glared at Eris for letting our daughter poke me in the eye. She glared back at me, knowing I’d almost cussed in front of Harmony. Every day wasn’t perfect. In fact, some days we fought to survive, but each day was worth living.

  When we found out Eris was pregnant, I panicked, certain my thoughts on children would come true. Although she and I had helped each other deal with our past, I’d never seen a baby in my future. Yet, here she was with a positive pregnancy test in her hand and tears in her eyes. I knew she was afraid to have another child, given what happened to Noah. I was, too, if I was being honest, but I promised to not let fear hold us back in anyway. Not again.

  Immediately, I wiped away her tears and insisted we get dressed because there was somewhere we needed to go. I drove an hour and a half to Dad’s Skillet and led her by the hand to table seven, since we happened to be visiting her mom that weekend. I’d called ahead and asked Lex to drop off a book of baby names into the booth for preparation of our arrival. We spent the better part of the night making fun of the names we couldn’t believe anyone would give to their kid and never actually picked out one damn name. After the ultrasound that showed Eris carried a girl was done, I asked if we could name her Harmony. It seemed to be the only name to consider in my mind, because apart we couldn’t function. We both lived in misery. Yet, it was only when we were together that we knew peace.

  Not a day passed that I didn’t thank God for the family I had. We smiled too much and laughed together every chance we got. Harmony had my nose and Eris’ gorgeous eyes, but her looks changed daily. Her intelligence was far beyond the amount any two year old should have, and she inherited stubbornness from both Eris and me. A fact I knew would challenge us as parents as she aged.

  The sun didn’t shine every day, but having each other helped us learn to cling to happiness and release the sorrow. We spoke of Noah often and ensured his memory lived on through the words we said and the love we shared.

  Lex and I had never been in a better place in our lives. Once I gave up alcohol and actually got over myself, her upbeat personality didn’t annoy me nearly as much as it had when I was a drunk. She still annoyed me at times, and other times she completely pissed me off. I think that’s what twins are for, though.

  Thankfully, she and Eris remained friends. Otherwise, when Eris took the position to assist Lex part-time after our office expansion, things would have been pretty fucking awkward. Work wasn’t something I dreaded anymore. The only negative parts about it were working opposite shifts from Eris and leaving Harmony. I hated telling that little girl goodbye.

  “Breakfast!” Harmony cheered, climbing onto my stomach, and bent down to kiss me. Whether it was Eris’ love for blueberries or my hatred for them that inspired her, the little girl adored blueberry pancakes. The humor in that wasn’t lost with me. She asked for them most mornings…and sometimes for lunch and dinner, too. Toddlers were picky, and occasionally you showed your love by letting them eat what they wanted just to get them to eat anything at all. Other times, love meant eating blueberries when you absolutely hated them, just to see a girl smile...or in Eris' case, to prevent being called a dick.

  The End

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you to everyone who has made this publication possible.

  Harmony: It will be years before you read this or at least it had better be. There are bad words in here…Moving on. I love you forever and always! You are my inspiration, and I thank God every day for you!

  Paige Maroney Smith: Thank you for always being in my corner! You’ve saved me continuously over the years and still continue to do so.

  To my street team, Crazed Lunatics: Thank you for every share, like, word of encouragement, and for just being you.

  Melissa Pascoe: Thank you for always being there to answer my questions, no matter how odd they may be. Your power of turning shit into something fancy amazes me! I love you.

  Shannon White: Girl, I love our crazy! To answer your message about me writing 70,000 books: You could send 70,000 messages and I would read them all, some repeatedly. Thank you for your help!

  Michelle “Holly” Schwartz & Gretchen “G” Anderson: I don’t even know where to be
gin thanking the two of you. I know you deserve your own dedication, but in my mind I always link you together. I love you ladies so much! A million thank yous for just being who you are.

  My husband, N.C.: I love you, even when our words say the very opposite. You supply me with the air I breathe and force my heart to beat, when my only desire is to let it flatline.

  Miranda “3” Johnson: We may go months without breathing a word to one another, but when our lungs do finally decide to expand, the other is always there to help with what is needed. Thank you for always being there to keep my world from caving in and sometimes to help kick the rocks, if it already has.

  Tiffany Black with T.E. Black Designs: Thank you for the beautiful cover and the many hours we spent tweaking it to perfection.

  Amy McGlone: Thank you for your honesty and input. This book would have never reached its full potential without you. It’s funny, we’ve known each other for years, yet neither of us knew how eerily similar our minds worked.

  Mom & Dad: I love you all so much!

  About the Author

  A native West Virginian, Chelle has always been a dreamer. She spent her time growing up writing songs, poetry, screenplays, and movie scripts. She never thought about writing a book until she got older. Now, Chelle likes to spend her time being creative by drawing, singing, dancing, writing, and enjoying life with her daughter. True to her last name, she lives life to the fullest, but can be described as a little crazy. She finds peace and comfort in the fictional characters residing within her mind.