Not Enough

by Mia Hoddell

  I cringe. Technically she’s right and I did leave to be with Neve, just not how she’s thinking. “Neve’s only a friend. I’ve known her since I was one and she’s going through a rough time right now. She needed a place to crash.”

  “In your room?”

  “Amber, it’s nothing. I’ll make last night up to you soon, I promise.”

  “Why does she need a toothbrush if she’s only staying one night?”

  I let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing my forehead to ease the tightness beginning to form there. “I didn’t say it was one night. She’s going to be staying for as long as she wants.”

  We’re now a few metres apart. Amber is standing against the opposite work top, hands on hips. The distance allows me to take in her tight fitting clothes that hug even the small amount of curves she has on her petite frame. My eyes are travelling up her chest when she clears her throat, rapidly drawing my eyes back to hers.

  “I’m not okay with this, Blake.”

  I snort indignantly. Despite what Amber thinks, she’s not my girlfriend. I had wanted her to be, but we’ve only been on one date before last night, and by the way she’s acting now, I’m starting to doubt whether it’s a good idea at all. If she’s already trying to control my actions, I can’t imagine how bad she’ll become if we get together. Neve comes first, and I know Amber isn’t going to be okay with that. She seemed nice, but this morning is making it perfectly clear she’s not for me. Way too much drama.

  “I’m serious. This is weird,” she cries, gesturing at the door to my room.

  “Too bad. She’s my best mate and she needs help.”

  “Did you think I’d be okay with this?”

  I shrug. “I’m not really bothered if I’m honest.”

  “You’re not bothered?” Her face screws up like the words leave a bitter taste in her mouth. “Oh, I see. You like her, but she doesn’t like you back. You know you’re downgrading, right? She won’t make you happy like I can.”

  I’m not going to rise to her accusations. “Like I said, we’re just friends. If you can’t live with that, I guess we’re done.”

  Her mouth falls open and I fold my arms. I hate being blunt, but Amber never knows when to stop. She crossed a line with Neve, and even though I’ll deny it if anyone brings it up, some of her words have hit a nerve.

  “You’ll regret it if we break up. I won’t take you back.” Her pitch has gone squeaky with shock.

  “Amber, we can’t break up because we’re not in a relationship.”

  Her mouth opens and closes a few times, but in the end no words come out. Instead she grabs her bag, storming from the room and slamming the door so hard behind her, I feel the impact through the floorboards. When I’m sure she’s gone, I allow my shoulders to sag and my body to deflate. Leaning back into the counter, I pinch the bridge of my nose and attempt to quell the tidal wave of emotions about to crash down on top of me.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Neve

  I shower quickly and remain in the bathroom so as not to disturb Blake. The last thing I want to do is create even more tension between him and Amber, which is something I’m sure my presence would cause. The shouting is crystal clear, even through two doors. It makes me cringe to know I’m the one who put Blake in the situation. Not that it was intentional.

  When the door slams, I leave it another minute before walking back into the kitchen. Blake’s still standing against the counter, his arms folded across his chest and it looks like he’s trying to burn a hole through the front door with his eyes. I don’t think he’s even heard my approach.

  Reaching out, I place my hand on his arm, desperately trying to keep my gaze on his face rather than let it wander down to the waistband of his jeans where his muscles dip into a V. His bicep tenses and then relaxes under my palm, my touch breaking his fixation. He blinks a few times before turning to face me with a forced smile.

  “You okay?” he asks, causing my eyebrows to knit together in confusion since he’s the one who looks worse for wear.

  “I was going to ask you the same question. I’m sorry about causing that. I didn’t know she was here, if I had I—”

  “There’s no need for you to apologise. I don’t want you having to hide away. This is your home now, Neve, you can do what you like.”

  “Yeah, but I know what she was thinking. I came out of your room barely dressed, and asking for a toothbrush.”

  His nostrils flare. “Let her think what she wants. I doubt it would have worked out anyway.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Let it go, Stripes.” Before I can reply he strides into his room, his expression irritated, and shuts the door behind him. He doesn’t slam it, but he’s not gentle either and the small bang covers the sound of the front door opening and Robbie’s footsteps.

  “Here, I got you some other things, too. I don’t know if it’s the right stuff, but it gave me an excuse to stay out longer. I didn’t want to walk back into that mess.”

  I jump at the sound of his voice, my hand clutching my chest while my heart tries to recover. He’s holding out a bag towards me when I spin to face him. “Geez, you scared me.”

  “Sorry. Where’s Blake?” He looks around the empty flat and I take the bag.

  “He stormed into his room just as you came back. Thanks for this by the way.”

  He acknowledges me with a shrug. “I’m assuming things didn’t go well then.”

  “If you mean she took off after yelling at him and then he left because I apologised, then no, things didn’t go well. I was about to go and check on him.”

  “I’d leave it for a bit if I were you. He’ll reappear in an hour or so.”

  I raise my eyebrow in question. “I don’t mean this to sound rude, but I’ve known Blake all of my life so I don’t think I need the advice.”

  “I’m just saying this isn’t a rare occurrence.”

  “What isn’t? That his latest dates find him with other women?”

  He shakes his head. “No, just most of his relationships end with a fight. Afterwards he always needs to be by himself. He’ll reappear soon like nothing has ever happened, but I think he needs to work through it all in his mind. You know what he’s like. She probably said something which hit too close to home.”

  I do know, and I’ve said it before. Blake only goes after women he thinks he could have a proper relationship with and therefore takes it worse when they end up not working. At least that’s all I’ve seen and I’d rather not know about casual hook-ups if he does that. What has me perplexed is that he hasn’t been with Amber long enough to make anything official, so I don’t know why it would affect him so badly.

  I nod. “Thanks again for the stuff.” I wave the bag at him and head towards Blake’s room. Raising my hand, I knock lightly on the wood. “Blake?”

  “I’m fine, Neve.”

  I look up at the ceiling, exasperated as I reach for the handle. He doesn’t sound fine by the stiffness in his words. The fact that he’s calling me by my name rather than Stripes is also a major give away. Opening the door, I discover him sitting with his back to me, hunched and staring at the wall. He doesn’t turn in acknowledgement, even when the bed dips under my weight, so I continue to crawl over until I’m sitting next to him. Stretching out my legs, they line up with his, our knees knocking together.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I’m fine. Do you want to go out to eat again later?” He’s forcing himself to look happier than he is so I let it go. Blake’s not someone you can push.

  “Sure, I’ll let you get changed.”

  * * *

  Considering it’s nearly lunch by the time we leave the flat, we head for the local pizza restaurant. It doesn’t take us long to find a booth and order, then as soon as the waiter disappears Blake tilts his head to the side, studying me.

  “Are you really okay? You’re trying to act like it, but you have dark circles under your eyes.”

  “Why wouldn
’t I be?” The last thing I want to do is add my list of problems to Blake’s life and drag him down with me.

  He stares at me incredulously. “Seriously?”

  “What do you want me to say, Blake? That I’m scared, relieved, shocked, or I’m still trying to process everything? How about the fact there’s this giant ball of emotions I keep adding to within me, and it feels like it’s going to explode and shatter into thousands of pieces which I won’t be able to stick back together this time?”

  “If that’s what you feel, then yeah.”

  “Well there you go, that’s how I feel. A part of me feels like I have more control over my life, and then most of me feels like I’m falling with nothing to cling onto to stop myself. I have no money, no job, no friends, and I don’t have a parent.”

  Blake’s eyes soften, his expression transforming into compassion. He reaches across the table, resting his hand on top of mine. “We’ll figure it out, all right? Don’t worry about money for now, I have enough to cover you until you find your feet, and with Robbie still paying rent you’re only costing food. If you want a job we’ll look, and as for friends, you have me and are better off without the rest.”

  “I can’t ask you to do that. Thank you, but you’re already doing so much. I can’t live off your money, too. I know you have enough, but working in a garage doesn’t pay that well.”

  “It’s nothing. You’d do the same for me, and I wouldn’t offer if I couldn’t afford it.”

  “But—”

  “I don’t think you really have a choice, Stripes. Unless by some miracle you manage to get a job today, you aren’t earning.” He’s grinning and we both know he’s won, so I mutter my complaints under my breath. Our pizza arriving stops me, and when the waiter leaves I’m too hungry to care about continuing.

  Pulling off a slice, I catch the string of cheese that’s hanging from it, wrapping it around my tongue and taking a bite. I’d never do it with another guy, but this is Blake and he’s seen me do just about everything so I don’t care.

  “Attractive,” Blake mumbles around a mouthful.

  “I could say the same about you.”

  “Don’t worry, you don’t have to. I know I’m hot.”

  I hum dubiously even though a burst of laughter breaks free just like he wants.

  “I’ll say.” We both stop laughing at the sound of a third voice. I don’t need to turn to know it’s Cece, and I refuse to acknowledge her. Yes it’s petty, but it’s better than a fight.

  “What do you want, Cece?” Blake asks though gritted teeth as he turns to face her.

  “I wanted to get the details of what happened last night. I saw you leaving with a guy, he was hot.” She’s probably looking at me seeing as her words are directed at me, but I don’t move. I’d convinced myself that her lack of involvement was down to not seeing me, but to hear she’d seen and still not reacted when I was clearly trying to get away from him has white hot anger burning in my bloodstream. The fact that she actually thinks something had happened between us stokes that fire even more.

  “You really are clueless, aren’t you?”

  I glance up at Blake’s words and catch Cece whip her head in his direction. “Excuse me?”

  “You. You’re clueless. That guy was helping Neve escape some asshole who had been forcing himself upon her.”

  “What would you know about it? You didn’t see how they were in the club.”

  Blake opens his mouth to respond, but I beat him to it. “How we were in the club? The guys you saw me with and the one I left with were two different people. The first one cornered me, and got his mate to stand guard so I couldn’t escape. You ignored all of my pleas to come over. The other guy got me away from him when he tried to force me to leave. That’s when Blake found me. Are those the details you want?”

  “Don’t be so dramatic, Neve. He was hot and it scared you because you don’t think you’re good enough.”

  I thought my first rant would get everything off my chest, but her careless disregard restores the frustration. “So just because you think he’s hot it means he can do whatever he likes no matter what the other person wants?”

  “You should have wanted it. Everyone else would have.”

  The words slice through my fury, leaving an icy trail of worry in their wake. Taking a deep breath, I focus on the table top, clenching and unclenching my hands. The one phrase I hate most, and Cece using it has sealed her fate as my friend. It’s what everyone seems to think of me—that I don’t act like a normal person—and despite all of the fronts I put up it does affect me. I can try to kid myself all I want, but the truth is I do care what people think. I don’t want to, but at least I’m used to dealing with it by now.

  Shutting down, I close off all of my emotions. I stop feeling, pushing the chilling unworthiness aside, and lower my voice to a calm but stern tone. “Get out of here, Cece, and don’t ever bother me again.”

  “Neve, c’mon—”

  “I said go. Don’t call me. Don’t text me, and don’t come over if you see me anywhere.”

  “That’s just typical of you, Neve. Isolate the only friend you have left. You want to be alone? Fine, it’s no skin off my back not having to babysit you.”

  With my eyes downcast I only see her legs turn and hurry away. When I’m sure she’s gone, I peer up at Blake through my eyelashes to find him watching me.

  “Don’t say anything. You’re right and I’m better off without her.”

  He holds up his hands to ward me off. I don’t mean to snap, but I know that if he asks me one more time whether I’m okay I won’t be able to hold anything in. I can’t have him confirming my thought because right now I don’t believe him. Things that are for the better shouldn’t hurt, and right now the finality of everything is shredding my heart into even smaller fragments.

  What I said earlier is true. I really have lost everyone but Blake.

  Despite not being good friends to begin with, I still feel like there’s something wrong with me. Surely if everyone leaves, plus my mum treating me the way she does, it means I’m doing something to cause people to go. The common factor is me. They all lost contact, they deliberately ignored me, and isolated me until I gave up. I know I’m not as outgoing, but I don’t think I’m that bad. I try to be a good friend, but when I’m forced to watch the images of them all meeting up without me loading on Facebook at night, it’s hard to pretend to care about them. They obviously don’t care about me, so why should I bother? That’s the logic I’m following anyway, even if it’s harder to act upon than say.

  Coming round from my thoughts, Blake is still scrutinising me with worry.

  “I’m fine, really.”

  He doesn’t believe me but he doesn’t press the questions, either. It’s weird that he’s the only one I can call a true friend. Guys in general have always made me uncomfortable, but never Blake. He’s always defended me, been a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, and I know there’s little he’d say no to unlike Cece.

  Thinking of Cece brings me back to Facebook. Don’t ask how my thoughts connect because I don’t understand that myself half the time, but now that they’re there it’s obvious what I have to do. I’ve left my mum and lost all of my friends … I need a fresh start. I’m not going to be able to move on with the constant reminder of what I don’t have and what is wrong with me. If I have any hope of being the real me I need to cut them all off permanently and stop torturing myself with their lives.

  “Shall we go?” I ask Blake, finishing my Coke as I wait for his answer.

  “If you want.” He glances down at his watch. “I need to be at work in an hour so you’ll have the flat to yourself as Robbie disappears for most of the day.”

  I nod and stand to leave, heading for the door before he’s even had time to pay. He’ll catch up quickly.

  * * *

  I don’t say anything on the journey home and head straight for Blake’s room when we get to the flat. It doesn’t feel right t
o call it mine, but it still feels more welcoming and homey than my mum’s house ever did as it sit on the bed and power up my laptop.

  Blake walks by the room when I log in to my Facebook, peering in, but he makes no comment. Whatever is going through his head he’s keeping from me. All of his emotions are unreadable, leaving me to only guess that my actions are putting him on edge.

  The page loads and I’m rapidly faced with photos from friends’ latest meet ups. Pictures of them in shops trying on silly outfits, hanging out in the park, and going for coffee only add to the certainty that I’m making the right decision.

  They don’t care about me.

  I don’t care about them … sort of.

  Either way I know I don’t need the constant reminder. The sinking feeling that occurs every time I’m left out again isn’t a pleasant one and something I can do without. It feels right to move to the account settings and click to change my password.

  “Blake, can you come here a sec?”

  The rustling of the sofa alerts me to his movement, and soon he’s leaning against the doorframe.

  “I need your help. Can you change my password and not tell me what it is?”

  I spin the laptop to face him and he moves to sit beside me.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want to see what’s on there ever again. Please?”

  He doesn’t look convinced. “Can’t you just unfriend them all?”

  “No. Please change it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’ll only have one person left on my friend list and that seems worse.” My voice is rising in desperation, tears burning the back of my eyes with my admission. I’m about to ask again when I hear the clacking of keys. Relief washes over me, and when he spins it back I shake my head. “Can you deactivate it now?”

  This time there’s no argument. Instead, I hear the clicking of the keypad before Blake announces he’s done.

  “Thanks.” I pull the laptop back and open up a new tab.