Not Enough

by Mia Hoddell

  “Put it on!” I cry when Blake holds it up for us all to admire. His face looks less pleased than ours.

  “Really?” He already looks defeated when I nod, and drags the jumper over his head. It’s cobalt blue with a reindeer head in the middle of it. The red nose is a massive pom-pom and to make it even better there are LED lights sewn into the antlers.

  I pull out my phone and snap a picture of him for future blackmail purposes.

  I’m kidding … kind of. After all, he still has the photo of me in the bath.

  My stomach is cramping from the laughter, but Blake says nothing. He grins at me and moves on to opening the next present. It’s easy to read him; he doesn’t care what he looks like if he makes me laugh.

  Soon, after opening everything from toiletries and scarves, to Christmas earrings, we both have only one present and it looks the same. We both watch each other, silently communicating to start tearing at the wrapping together.

  Blake’s the first to get the item out, shortly followed by me. When we look down and see what each other is holding our eyes light up like kids … well, kids on Christmas really. I can’t help but chuckle at what I’m holding, having never predicted this.

  “Seriously, Mum? Mini remote controlled cars? We’re in our twenties.”

  She waves her hand at him, dismissing the comment. “And I bet you won’t put them down until the batteries are flat.”

  Blake’s already pulling it out of the packaging, inserting the batteries and switching it on—proving her right. Forgetting the rest of the presents, Blake guides the car so it whizzes around all of us, and I rush to put mine together. It takes me a while to get the hang of the steering, and I send it crashing into a few boxes, but soon I’m chasing down Blake. It’s like I’m a kid again, the glee on my face beaming. When the cat leaps into the air as both cars zip by it I can’t control my happiness. I feel lighter than I have in months.

  “Two laps round the tree. Whoever wins gets their present first,” Blake declares, creating a makeshift starting line from the boxes. We place our cars on the line and Blake counts down from three.

  Both cars shoot off, sounding like a swarm of bees as the buzz gets fainter. Even when we watch them race back towards us and Blake beats me, I can’t stop my delight. I know it sounds strange, but this simple little car is probably the best present I’ve had in years.

  “Okay, hand it over.” Blake’s holding out his hands expectantly, and I grab my present to him. Handing it over I give him a kiss, not allowing him to prolong it in front of his parents, then return to sit in front of him to tinker with the car. I’ve always hated watching people open gifts I’ve given them. In fact, I hate being watched when I open them, too, so maybe it’s just the whole ritual.

  There’s no care about how Blake unwraps something. He tears at the paper, shredding it into little pieces only to be faced with a big brown box. I deliberately taped it up well, knowing it would drive him crazy. I think I used about half a roll and it was worth every second to see him struggling to start peeling it off.

  “Very funny, Stripes.” He tries to sound sarcastic but fails miserably, the teasing in his eyes letting him down. When he finally gets the box open, his face lights up like a Christmas tree and my heart restarts. I hadn’t realised I’ve been holding my breath, either. Blake pulls out twenty DVDs and flicks through the titles. They’re all movies we first watched together and loved.

  “Neve, how much did all of this cost you?”

  Oh, he must have found the watch, too. It’s nothing fancy, but I knew he needed a new one. I shrug. In my eyes he’s worth every penny. Placing the box and DVDs to one side, he leans over to hug me, kissing me quickly. “Thank you.”

  I shrug again and drop my gaze to the floor, embarrassed by his display of affection in front of everyone.

  “Your turn now.” Blake pulls out an equally large box, but there’s also a smaller one on top of it that looks distinctly like a jewellery box. I take them both from him and set the smaller one aside. Carefully, so as not to rip the paper, I peel off the tape and unwrap the gift. When I get it open, I’m faced with a box crammed full of books. And they’re not just any books. They’re all off my wish list, which I have no idea how he got access to.

  “How?” My hand runs over the spines, not wanting to pull any out just yet.

  “You really should log out and not save your passwords.” He’s smug, but I’m not bothered. There’s isn’t anything he can get access to that I don’t want him to see.

  “Thanks. You know this means you’re not going to see me for like two weeks though, right?”

  “Only two weeks? Damn, I was hoping for a month. I might have to buy some more if that’s the case.” I swat his arm playfully, causing him to chuckle. “Open the other one.” His eyes shine. Clearly this is the one he’s most excited about.

  I pull on the bow, undoing the ribbon, and once again slide the shiny silver paper off. Inside is a burgundy box, and my heart starts to race at the thought of Blake buying me jewellery. My hand is shaking as I open it.

  When I see what’s nestled on the soft, black velvet cushion I gasp and my gaze flies to Blake’s. My mouth is hung wide as I glance between the two like an idiot.

  “Do you like it?”

  Not able to form a word, let alone a sentence, I resort to nodding my head, consciously pulling my mouth shut. When my gaze is drawn down again, the jewellery glints at me in the light, and I can’t quite believe it’s still there. A rose gold necklace shines up at me, but it’s what the pendant is that’s shocked me so much. Shaped into the outline of a tiger, the rose gold has then been broken up by lines of ruby jewels creating a unique pattern like the animal would have.

  “Stripes,” I murmur, more to myself than the room, but Blake nods. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.” My voice is quiet, still trying to recover from the shock. Picking up the chain, I place the box back on my lap and hold it out to Blake as I gather my hair. “Put it on me?”

  He doesn’t need to be asked twice. Shuffling across so he’s sat parallel with me, his fingers graze the back of my neck to hook the clasp. When he releases it, the tiger sits proudly on my breast bone, and this time I’m not worried about the audience. Leaning over my hand finds the back of his head and I pull his lips to mine, thanking him properly.

  When I draw back he holds me in place. His mouth is at my ear and he’s speaking so quietly that only I can hear what he says. “I love you, Stripes. Merry Christmas.”

  I inhale sharply. That was the last thing I expect him to say and I don’t respond. I’m still trying to kick-start my heart again.

  Thankfully, I’m saved by the front door clattering open. “Hello! Anyone home? Merry Christmas,” a high-pitched female voice calls out, distracting everyone.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Blake

  I should be worried by Neve’s lack of response, but I’m not. Watching her at the table, laughing and joking with my family, all I can feel is proud. She’d hate me if she knew that’s what I’m thinking. She’d tell me I’m labelling her like everyone else, yet that’s not the case. The difference is that I’m not shocked by her reaction to them. Neve can be social when she wants and the fact my family are laid back and don’t shout over one another has her completely at ease. She teases my uncles, humours my younger cousins, and looks like she’s enjoying talking to one of my aunts. You wouldn’t be able to tell the same task with her family is such a chore for her.

  It wasn’t my intention to admit my feelings for her at that precise moment, it just slipped out. After watching her joy while she played with the car, hearing her laughter, and then seeing the twinkle in her eye when she ran her finger over the tiger pendant, the realisation that I did love her with all of my heart hit me and I didn’t want to keep it inside. I didn’t say it with the hope she’d say it back because I know she loves me.

  Now, sitting with her on my lap in the living room, we’re both full and everyone is talking to create a pl
easant murmur in the background. Neither of us joins in with the conversation, all I’m focused on is Neve. Her head is resting on my shoulder, her feet thrown over the arm of the chair, and she’s playing with the pendant on her necklace. It doesn’t take a genius to see her mood’s shifted and that something’s playing on her mind.

  “Want to go for a walk?”

  She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “You’re kidding, right? It’s like minus three out there and dark.”

  “Let’s go get another drink and mince pie then.” I’m already standing, placing her on the floor, and dragging her towards the kitchen so she can’t argue. At least I wish she wouldn’t.

  “Blaaaake, I can’t eat another thing. How can you still be hungry?”

  Ignoring the protest, I lift her up on to the counter so she’s level with my eyes and place a hand on either one of her thighs. We both stare, unblinking, as we watch each other, just waiting for someone to say something. She cocks her head to one side inquisitively. When she purses her lips it’s an offer I’m not strong enough to resist. Leaning forward I nip her bottom one, my teeth grazing over her delicate skin until I remember why I brought her in here. With reluctance, I pull back before she can make me lose track of my thoughts … because believe me, Neve is exceptionally good at making my mind blank of anything but her.

  “Okay, what’s up with you?”

  “Nothing, why?” She looks genuinely confused by my question.

  “Uh … maybe because you were laughing, joking, and having a great time at the table, and now you’re only sitting quietly on my lap while playing with your necklace. I love you sitting on me, but something’s eating away at you, Stripes. What is it?”

  “I’m just processing, that’s all. I’ve had a lot to take in today, and it’s drained me. You know big gatherings take it out of me.”

  I want to call bullshit on her explanation, yet that phrasing probably won’t go down overly well. It’s understandable she’s worn out—I’m feeling it, too—but I know her well enough to recognise when that’s the root of the problem and when it’s something else. I arch an eyebrow in disbelief. I hope she’ll tell me the truth and not make me guess. When she doesn’t, I slide my hands up off the counter to rest them on her thighs. My thumbs trace lines over them softly, dipping to the middle of her legs where they touch.

  “You know everyone loved you, right? You don’t have to worry about what they’re thinking of you.”

  Neve nods, checking off one possibility on my list.

  “Did someone say something?”

  “Blake, I’m fine … really.” She reaches down and rests her hands on top of mine, stilling my wandering fingers when they get more daring in their explorations. Her skin is icy against mine, it always is.

  “You’re sure?”

  “It’s just been a long day. I’ve had to meet a lot of new people and it’s a bit overwhelming. I’ve never done this big family Christmas before … at least not one where the family was happy, and not one that was actually on Christmas Day.”

  Bingo! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. It should have been the first thing to come to mind, but I’d completely overlooked it until her clues connect the dots in my mind. Of course Neve is comparing today to what she’s used to. I’m mentally banging my head against a wall at how dense I can be sometimes.

  “I’m sorry, Stripes. That didn’t even figure in my mind when I dragged you down here.”

  There’s shock in her eyes; big and round, they almost appear panicked. I don’t have time to question her before her arms are flung around my neck, pulling me into her body that smells of the peppermint body spray my cousins soaked her in. Strangely, I like it and bury my nose further into her neck. My five o’clock shadow scratches against her and draws out a laugh. Her legs are also holding me in place, wrapped around my waist like a vice.

  “What are you apologising for, you idiot?”

  “You’re home sick. You miss your own traditions and I haven’t considered any of that. I know you don’t get on with your mum most of the time, but you’ve always told me Christmas is the one day where everything is put to rest and you can get along. I didn’t think by dragging you here. I–I took that day away from you.” The words are muffled by her sweet skin. Even though I try to pull back she’s holding me in place. The girl’s got a grip that would rival even the clingiest baby monkey.

  The last sound I expect to hear bubble from Neve is the laughter she’s trying to control. And this time when I move to pull away to see her she doesn’t stop me. I can’t understand why she’s suddenly so happy, her eyes filled with unshed tears that catch the light and sparkle.

  She rests a palm on my face, her thumb gliding over my lip. I want to bite it and draw it between my lips, but I refrain as she’s gazing at me like I’ve performed a miracle and I can’t figure out why.

  “Blake, this has been one of the best Christmas Days I’ve ever had. Don’t you dare be sorry for bringing me here. What I meant was I was thinking why my family could never be like yours. You’re so lucky to have them; they’re so kind and welcoming. Not one of them made fun of me, and they didn’t try and force me into any of the stupid games. It was like they’ve known me my whole life, and I couldn’t help but think if they can do it, then my own family should be able to.”

  I graze my knuckles over her cheek. “Aww, Stripes. They’re your family, too. My mum and dad adore you, I love you, and anyone who can’t see how great you are isn’t worth knowing. You have to earn the right to be called a family.” I pause and watch for her reaction. Her eyes aren’t giving anything away so I continue. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, and I get that you just wish your mum could accept you, but thinking about it is only going to bring you down. I’m not telling you to cut her off, she’s always going to be your Mum, but focus on the good.”

  She leans against my hand and I turn it to cup her face. Turning into my hold, she kisses my palm.

  “I love you, too.” It’s barely a whisper and the sound is muffled against my skin. She’s unsure of herself, her voice wavering like she’s fearful of the words. Even then, though, they still make me catch my breath. I hadn’t, expected to hear them from her so soon.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Neve

  We’re both lying on Blake’s bed, hiding away from the few stragglers who refuse to leave. Neither of us has really said anything about my declaration, we’ve just been quietly enjoying each other’s company. I will admit I’m glad for this fact as I shocked myself and I’m still trying to get my head around it. It’s not that I need to process loving Blake; I’ve known I love him for a while. What I need is time to think about the situation because I wasn’t expecting for the words to slip out at that moment. Blake’s kind comments had swept me up and it was an impulsive decision.

  Resting my head on his chest, his arm stretches out behind me, holding me as close as possible. His heartbeat is quicker than usual beneath me, but I’m distracted from questioning it by his gentle fingers running through my hair.

  “Do you think I should phone my mum?” I ask, breaking the silence. No matter how much I dislike her, I can’t help but think of her all alone. I should at least check in.

  Blake shrugs beneath me, mumbling a lazy I don’t know that comes out as a continuous sound of I-un-no.

  “That’s really helpful.”

  “What do you want me to say, Stripes? The choice is yours. I’m not going to say you shouldn’t call your mum on Christmas if that’s what you want. I’ll only be here to support you either way.”

  Without looking I fumble around on the bedside table, searching for my mobile. There’s a sharp crash as something falls to the floor and I cringe into Blake’s side, hoping it was nothing valuable. The last thing I need is to start breaking things after the Reynolds have been so nice to me.

  “You are a disaster waiting to happen. You know you have these things called eyes, right?” He chuckles, which allows me to let ou
t the breath I was holding in relief. Blake clutches me tightly against him, leaning forward so that I’m scrunched up against his taut abs, but not moved as he reaches for the phone. When he collapses back against the mountain of pillows behind us, he holds the mobile out in front of me.

  “Thanks.” I take it from him and dial the number from memory. A nervous sensation makes my stomach churn and flip like there’s a pod of acrobatic dolphins inside of me. Every instinct I have is telling me to hang up before she can pick up. This is a bad idea.

  She answers on the third ring. “Hello.”

  “Hi Mum. Merry Christmas!” I call out, trying to sound as cheery as possible. However, at the sound of my voice her tone flat lines into a bored and irritated sound.

  “And to you, Neve.”

  Well this is awkward, I think, curling up against Blake for comfort. “What are you doing?”

  “I was about to head out to see your aunt. I must say, it’s a surprise to hear from you.”

  I know she’s dismissing and reprimanding me, but I’m determined to try and get a little more out of her. “Why wouldn’t I? It is a holiday after all, and you’re my mum.”

  “It’s not like you have much to do with your family anymore. I didn’t think you’d have time for me in your busy lifestyle with your new boyfriend as you celebrate with a family that isn’t yours over one of the biggest holidays of the year.”

  My forehead furrows as I meet Blake’s gaze, but I’m trying my best not to let her barbs cut me. “You could have called me. And leave Blake out of this, you know he’s a good person and so is his family.”

  “How come you don’t have a problem when it comes to talking to them?”

  I bite my tongue. I will not allow her to ruin this day for me by engaging in an argument. “I only called to wish you a Merry Christmas. I didn’t want to fight with you.” My voice stays as quiet and calm as possible, but my mother would try the patience of a saint. Despite everything, I still feel bad to have left her alone—because she’s obviously been alone. She’s hurting and her words are the way she expresses that. However, when I think of everything that has caused me to get to this situation, there is no point trying to pretend. Being at home for Christmas wouldn’t have made any difference to our relationship overall; staying away is for the best.