What Holly's Husband Did

by Debbie Viggiano

  Throughout Jeanie’s confession, my heart had been pumping like a jogger’s. It picked up speed further when Caro leaned forward to voice the very question I’d been wanting to ask.

  ‘What’s his name?’

  Jeanie regarded Caro for a moment, before replying.

  ‘I’m not telling you.’

  ‘Can’t? Or won’t?’ I asked. My voice sounded harsher than intended. But Jeanie remained unaffected by my tone, and her expression showed no remorse.

  ‘Both,’ she said defiantly, looking me in the eye.

  My throat was suddenly very dry, and I felt slightly sick. Alex’s car had privacy glass, and the front seats were electric and reclined flat.

  29

  ‘Does Ray know?’ said Caro.

  ‘Of course not!’ Jeanie snorted.

  ‘Do you think a tiny part of him might suspect?’ I asked.

  ‘Ha!’ Jeanie looked angry now. ‘Ray would only notice my absence if he ran out of socks and underpants.’ She took a sip of coffee and then banged the mug back down on the table. ‘He’s in his own world. Planet Ray. So long as his fat-arsed wifey puts a steak and kidney pudding in front of him at the end of the day while he watches sport on the telly, he’s a contented man. Ray wouldn’t notice if I ran around the house stark naked.’

  ‘Maybe an affair isn’t the answer. Perhaps you just need to, you know…’ I said cautiously, ‘put a bit of oomph back into your marriage?’

  ‘Oh yes?’ Jeanie said, her face turning to one of scorn. ‘You mean like yours?’

  Was she ridiculing me? Did she secretly know my love life was more sham than glam?

  ‘N-no,’ I stuttered, ‘I think sometimes you need to spice things up, and, um, if Ray doesn’t realise that, perhaps you should take the lead?’

  ‘Like you?’ she demanded.

  What was that remark meant to mean? Had Alex told her the true state of our sex life, and that it was mainly like the Gobi Desert with an oasis occurring every time Jupiter was in alignment with Venus? If so, damn the pair of them! No way was I having Jeanie thinking I was some sort of pushover between the sheets. I was determined to fill her with doubt and send her scuttling back to Ray with her tail between her legs.

  ‘Yes, like me!’ I asserted. In my peripheral vision I saw Caro raise an eyebrow at the sudden hostility between her two friends. ‘In fact,’ I said carelessly, ‘I recently studied burlesque dancing, and tried it out on Alex.’

  ‘Really?’ asked Caro, abandoning her biscuit and leaning closer. ‘How exciting! Does this mean you’re going to step out of a giant birthday cake at the party, dressed in suspenders and flashing your raspberry ripples? I must warn you now that David might have a coronary, if so. The most excitement he gets from me is when I step out of the bath.’

  ‘Do talk us through your dance routine, Holly,’ said Jeanie. Was it my imagination or was she sneering? In which case, why? Because she’s on the defensive, Holly, that’s why!

  ‘Well, I, er, did an impromptu dance only last night, actually.’ I cleared my throat. ‘I used the dining room chair.’

  ‘Before, during, or after dinner?’ Jeanie asked sarcastically.

  Oh, she was on the defensive all right!

  ‘After,’ I said lightly.

  ‘Oooh, show me your routine,’ said Caro, clapping her hands together. ‘I’ll try it out on David tonight.’

  Bugger. Both women were looking at me expectantly. Right, Holly, give it all you’ve got.

  I jumped up with alacrity, pulled the kitchen chair out and stood to one side. Raising my arms in the air, I then stroked my palms downwards, brushing my breasts seductively, travelling on down my torso and over my legginged thighs, before sitting back down, spine arched, chest out, and then deftly flung one leg over the back of the chair so that I was facing away from them. With legs wide open, I gripped the wooden spindles of the chair with my thighs and leant slowly backwards – my spine making rather alarming popping noises – as my hair fanned out across Caro’s kitchen floor.

  ‘Very seductive,’ said Caro, giving me a round of applause.

  I noticed Jeanie didn’t join in. I raised my torso back up again and then flipped my leg over the back of the chair so that I had moved one-hundred-and-eighty degrees, standing up with a triumphant flourish.

  ‘Amazing,’ said Caro. ‘Did Alex appreciate it?’

  ‘Totally,’ I said, my eyes swivelling over to Jeanie as I added, ‘he loves everything I do. He thinks I’m very inventive.’

  ‘You can say that again,’ murmured Jeanie.

  She so obviously didn’t believe me. I shrugged in a couldn’t-care-less manner.

  ‘Maybe,’ I suggested sweetly, ‘instead of playing See Saw Margery Daw with your lover’s car seats, you could give it a try with Ray?’ I knew fully well that Jeanie wouldn’t be able to limbo over the back of a dining chair like I’d just done, and the sudden hurt in her eyes was plain to see. But I didn’t care if she was offended. If she was bonking Alex, then she should think twice before she messed around with my marriage. Caro was looking bewildered again, not understanding the undercurrents once more whirring backwards and forwards over the kitchen table.

  ‘The trouble is,’ said Jeanie, ‘I don’t want to sleep with Ray at the moment. Somehow it seems deceitful.’

  ‘Haven’t you got your loyalty wires crossed?’ I asked. ‘After all, I’d bet my last fiver your lover is still bonking his wife.’

  Jeanie’s face wobbled violently, and her eyes filled with tears.

  ‘Don’t say that,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t bear the idea of him touching another woman.’

  ‘Better face up to it,’ I said starkly.

  Caro, a kinder soul than I due to her not having a marriage on the line, reached out and touched Jeanie’s hand. ‘Don’t upset yourself,’ she said gently. ‘Are you planning on leaving Ray?’

  I held my breath, waiting for Jeanie to answer. Oh God. Please say no. But then again, hadn’t Alex told me he didn’t want a divorce? That he didn’t want to change our ‘lovely life’?

  Jeanie wiped away one of the tears rolling down a plump cheek. ‘No,’ she whispered. ‘I won’t be leaving Ray.’

  ‘Why not?’ I demanded.

  Caro noted my tone and looked at me questioningly. I pretended not to notice.

  ‘Because,’ said Jeanie, ‘he doesn’t want to leave his wife and child.’

  I tried to exhale quietly. Breathing was proving very difficult right now and was nothing to do with the exertion of my chair dance.

  ‘Maybe it’s best to give him up now, Jeanie,’ I said, ‘before your respective spouses find out, and things get turdy.’

  ‘I know you don’t approve, Holly,’ Jeanie snivelled, ‘but don’t hate me for it. Please?’ she implored. ‘We never intended this to happen, and we certainly don’t want our partners getting hurt.’

  ‘Then give him up,’ I repeated, my eyes pinning hers against Caro’s kitchen wall, ‘before marriages – and friendships – get ruined.’

  30

  There was a resounding silence in Caro’s kitchen as my words bounced off the walls. I was giving Jeanie secret messages that only she would understand. Give him up. Before a friendship is ruined. Although it was already ruined, wasn’t it? After all, I was simply waiting to catch her and Alex out. I could feel my own eyes filling up, and Caro was again looking at me curiously, like somebody who’d been watching a film on the telly, nipped out to use the loo, only to return and find she’d lost the thread of the drama. She was the first to speak, and when she did her voice was calm, soothing the frazzled tension in the kitchen.

  ‘Look, let’s all take a breath here,’ she said. ‘What’s happened has happened. There’s no going back, unfortunately.’ I noticed Caro was talking to both of us, her eyes flicking from me to Jeanie, like a headmistress talking to two wayward children who’d refused to share their skipping rope, rather than a husband.

  I decided to play along – after all, th
ere might be an opportunity here. ‘You’re right, and I have an idea. Alex’s birthday is looming. Let’s get our men together pre-party. They Dcan do a bit of male bonding, and perhaps,’ I turned to Jeanie, ‘you and Ray can get communication lines open again, eh?’

  ‘That’s a fab idea,’ said Caro, eyes twinkling with happiness. ‘Let’s make an occasion of it!’ she clapped her hands together excitedly, ‘and dress up. You can pull out all the stops for your hubby, Jeanie. Get that cleavage on display and wow him over the petit pois!’

  I smiled thinly. ‘Yes, do that, Jeanie.’ And while she was busy wowing Ray, I’d be studying Alex to see if he was wowed too.

  * * *

  ‘You’ve done what?’ asked Alex, when I interrupted his television viewing later that evening. His expression was one of horror.

  ‘I’ve invited Caro and Jeanie to dinner this Saturday.’

  ‘And I’m meant to sit at the table and talk to a bunch of women?’ my husband asked irritably.

  ‘Of course not,’ I soothed. ‘The girls will be bringing their husbands along. You do know David and Ray, after all.’

  ‘I have nothing in common with them!’ Alex looked aghast.

  ‘Of course you have,’ I protested. ‘You’re all fathers for a start, and your kids all go to the same school. That’s two things in common.’

  ‘Holly, unlike you three women who love to analyse your mood swings or bitch about Izzy What’s-Her-Face showing off with her Mulberry handbag at the school gate, I haven’t a clue what to discuss with Ray and David.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ I cried. ‘You could chat about golf with Ray. I believe he’s partial.’

  Alex rolled his eyes. ‘Crazy golf isn’t quite the same as having a burning desire to play the Old Course at St Andrews.’

  ‘No, but he could learn,’ I argued. ‘You could talk to him about your bogeys.’

  ‘How disgusting!’ said a familiar voice.

  ‘Oh God,’ muttered Alex.

  Seconds later my brother appeared in the lounge doorway. ‘You left your front door unlocked,’ he said by way of explanation. ‘I was passing and have a little something for Sophie.’ Simon shook an unmarked carrier bag in our direction. ‘It’s a new design, and I know it will look fab-ulous on my darling niece.’

  ‘That’s kind of you,’ I said. ‘Would you like a cup of tea while you’re here?’

  ‘I thought you’d never ask, dah-ling. I’m absolutely parchy-poohed.’ Simon turned to my husband who, up until now, had been trying to ignore his brother-in-law. ‘And a very good evening to you too, Alex.’

  ‘Good evening,’ said Alex, visibly grinding his teeth.

  ‘Enjoying the footie?’

  ‘Trying to enjoy the footie,’ said Alex pointedly.

  ‘I might join you on the sofa and have a little swoon at all those well-muscled legs, and it’s always worth a naughty giggle at the commentator. All that waxing lyrical about penetration in the backfield and going off to the side-line for a quick blow. So titillating!’

  ‘Er, Simon,’ I interrupted, catching the thunderous expression on Alex’s face, ‘come and chat with me whilst I make the tea.’

  ‘Yes, sweets, because I can see I’m not wanted here.’ My brother stuck his nose in the air and minced off towards the kitchen.

  ‘You could at least try and be civil,’ I hissed to my husband. ‘I’m sure he won’t stay for long.’

  ‘Your brother is always here,’ Alex moaned. ‘Why doesn’t he just move in with us?’

  ‘I heard that,’ Simon’s voice floated down the hallway, ‘and if it’s an invitation, then I accept.’

  ‘Oh for—’

  I could see Alex was reaching boiling point. I hastily shut the lounge door, so he could enjoy his precious football without Simon winding him up.

  ‘I do wish the two of you got along,’ I complained to my brother, reaching for the kettle.

  ‘Listen, dah-ling, I do my best. It’s not my fault you’re married to a knobhead.’

  ‘Simon, that’s my husband you’re bitching about. I don’t make disparaging comments about your latest beau, do I?’

  Simon shrugged. ‘He’s a knobhead too.’

  ‘When are we going to meet him? You haven’t brought anybody over for ages.’

  ‘Nor am I going to. It’s all off again.’

  I sighed as I poured hot water over teabags in mugs. ‘Do you want me to call Sophie down to have a look at what you’ve brought over for her? She’s in her bedroom at the moment, doing homework.’

  ‘No, dearest. I’ll chat with you for five minutes, then I’ll go up and see her. So, do you notice anything different about moi?’ My brother turned his head to the side, flicking back some hair and adopting a haughty expression.

  ‘You’ve had a shave?’

  ‘Honestly, Holly, your powers of observation are zero. And talking of shaving, your upper lip looks much better. It’s so nice to see my sister looking like a woman again, and not impersonating Poirot, but your wax strip missed a bit. Just there,’ he pointed.

  ‘Thank you, Simon,’ I slapped his finger away. ‘What is it I’ve failed to notice?’

  ‘I’ve had my ear pierced!’

  ‘Good heavens,’ I said, looking at his earlobe. ‘Is that a diamond?’

  ‘Do I look like a cubic zirconia person?’

  ‘No,’ I replied. My brother always had the best of everything. After all, he could afford it, and had nobody else as such to spend his money on. ‘But why have a piercing? Is this some sort of midlife crisis? A late rebellion?’ I teased.

  ‘Dearest, you’re not the only one entitled to a hormonal meltdown. I looked in the mirror and thought, “Simon, you’re forty-one years old. Why didn’t you celebrate last year’s landmark birthday with a tattoo, or a Prince Albert?” But I’m not really keen on tattoos, and I thought a willy piercing might be throbbing for all the wrong reasons, so I opted for the ear instead. That was bad enough. The pain was agonising.’ He gave an effeminate shudder.

  ‘It suits you,’ I nodded. Simon was the sort of guy who was always reinventing himself. From occasional purple streaks in his hair to frills on his trouser hems to colourful shirts slashed to the navel, he always carried off a look.

  He took a sip of tea and then gazed at me enquiringly. ‘I couldn’t help overhearing, when I let myself in, that you were talking to Alex about a little din-dins soirée…’

  ‘Oh, Simon, no. You don’t know—’

  ‘Of course I know Jeanie and Caro, don’t be silly.’

  ‘But not their husbands. Ray and David are very—’

  ‘Boring? Staid? Might be put off their starters by a poofter with a piercing?’

  ‘No,’ I hesitated, choosing my words carefully, ‘they’re men who like to talk to men.’

  ‘How dare you!’ Simon snapped, eyes flashing.

  ‘That came out wrong. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I should think so too.’ He tossed his head indignantly. ‘I would have thought you of all people, Holly, would have known I’m not a girl. Just because I adore pink does not mean I’m a woman, any more than you are a man, even though you often do a very good job of impersonating one with your facial hair.’

  Great. I was now going to be on the receiving end of no end of bitchiness for my faux-pas.

  ‘We’d love to have you join us,’ I said contritely. ‘You’ll make the evening go with a swing.’

  ‘Just as long as we don’t have to put our keys on the coffee table later and play swapsies. I draw the line at getting Alex.’

  ‘Best not to make jokes like that in front of him, Simon.’

  ‘I’m only kidding. And anyway, you have odd numbers now that I’m coming. You’ll have to think of someone else to even things out. I know! Invite Jack.’