Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

by Love's Melody Lost (lit)

  "Well, for heavens sake, get them out! Havent I disgraced myself enough for one morning?"

  Anna gently disentangled the wisps of vines from the thick, rich hair, whispering softly, "You couldnt be undignified if you tried. I dont know how, but you elevate jeans and a tee shirt to an art form." Her heart was still racing wildly, and for some reason she couldnt quite catch her breath. She was close enough to smell the faint cologne Graham wore. It seemed to flood her senses as the rest of the world receded from her consciousness. She was dimly aware of a faint pounding in her belly.

  A faint smile flickered at the corners of Grahams mouth as she straightened her shoulders, her hands resting lightly on Annas bare forearms. "Am I presentable now?"

  "Youre beautiful," Anna answered thickly. A pulse beat under the satin skin of Grahams neck, and for some unfathomable reason, Anna wanted to rest her fingers there. Maybe it was the fear invoked by Grahams recent fall; maybe it was the sorrow she couldnt dispel after reading the articles about Grahams previous life; maybe it was the soul wrenching sadness of the only music Graham ever played, alone in the dark - something made her bold enough to brush her fingers gently through the disheveled hair on Grahams forehead, and stroke the satin skin of her cheek. She rested her hand against the ivory column of her neck, scarcely breathing, her vision narrowed until Graham was all she could see.

  At the first light contact of Annas tentative touch, Graham closed her eyes, a light shiver coursing through her. A faint flush colored her usually pale cheeks. Her words came slowly, with the same caution she used when crossing an unfamiliar room.

  "I can feel the salt from the sea and the warmth from the sun on your skin. You smell of the earth- - rich, dark, vital. You are aliveand that is true beauty."

  Anna felt each word, as she had felt Grahams music, in some deep part of herself she hadnt known existed. Without thinking, she slipped her arms around Grahams waist, resting her cheek against the thin cotton shirt, embracing her gently.

  "Thank you," Anna whispered against Grahams shoulder.

  Graham was acutely aware of Annas heart beating against her, of the soft swell of Annas breast against her chest, and the fine tremor in Annas body. Graham shuddered slightly and stepped back gently, taking a deep breath.

  "The stone benchis it still there, under the sycamore?"

  "Yes," Anna said quietly, sensing her withdrawal. She had to let her go, not understanding why it was so difficult.

  "If you dont mind the company, Id like to sit out here a while." Graham needed distance between them, but she could not bear to leave.

  "Id love the company," Anna said softly. "Do you know the way?"

  Graham laughed. "I used to. Are there any strange obstacles in the path?"

  "All clear."

  Anna followed Graham with her eyes as she made her way carefully but unerringly to the bench. Only when Anna saw her safely seated could she return to her work. Even then she glanced up every few moments just to look at her. Anna was delighted that Graham accepted Annas gift of new clothes so magnanimously. Not only were they more practical, she looked terrific in them. As much as she loved the impeccably cut trousers and dress shirts Graham usually wore, this casual garb was unusually compelling. She could still vividly recall her shock when Graham had first appeared in them. Whereas before Grahams clothes accentuated her ethereal aloofness, these form-fitting casual shirts and pants emphasized her sinewy sensuality. Anna stared while something foreign erupted in her, and her heart began to trip over itself. When Graham asked for her opinion, she couldnt admit that what had come to mind was breathtaking. But she was , in that aristocratic way of some women, and each time Anna saw her, she was more aware of just how physically attractive she found Graham to be. She had no reference for what she felt, but it was certainly undeniable.

  She pulled roots and transplanted the day lilies that were multiplying in great abundance. Although there was silence between them, she was acutely aware of Grahams presence and was soothed by it. When she glanced up at one point, she was struck by the distant expression on Grahams face. She was used to Grahams lapses in attention, although she was more accustomed to their accompanying some painful memory. Today Graham appeared distracted, but not distressed. Her eloquent hands were moving on her outstretched thighs, delicately, but with purpose.

  "Where are you?" Anna called quietly, laying her tools aside.

  Graham smiled ruefully. "Im trying to capture a refrain -not very successfully, Im afraid. Its been been plaguing me all day."

  "Can you hear it?" Anna asked, aware that Graham had never once spoken to her of music. That she did so now, so casually, made Anna realize that Graham was not fully present.

  "Almost. Its there, like a fine murmur in my ear, but I cant quite bring it into focus."

  "Why dont you hum it?" Anna suggested, taking advantage of Grahams apparently mellow mood. "Maybe that will help."

  Graham tilted her head, frowning slightly, "You wont mind the noise?"

  Anna laughed. "Of course not! Go ahead!" She smiled, turning back to her work, enjoying the deep, rich timbre of Grahams voice. Gradually she became aware of fragments of an enchanting melody and sat back on her heels to listen. Quietly, she laid her tools aside and watched Graham.

  Graham sat with her eyes closed, outlined in sunlight. Anna wasnt quite sure which was more beautiful, the music or its composer. She did know she had never been quite so moved, nor quite so content simply to look at another human being.

  Graham quieted, fixing her gaze towards Anna. "Youve stopped working."

  "Im listening," Anna confessed in a voice thick with emotion.

  Graham leaned forward, her expression intent. "Do you like it?"

  Anna went to her instinctively, kneeling by her side. She placed her hand lightly on Grahams thigh. She didnt know how to say what she felthow the melody enchanted her, soothed her like a gentle caress-- how gracefully the notes flowed around her. She wanted to say that Grahams music made her hurt somewhere inside; that she welcomed the hurt because she felt it so deeply she knew she was alive. Listening, she had wanted to cry, and dance, and hold someone she loved. "Its beautifulI felt things, I wanted things, -- things that Ive never known, just from listening to you. Its wonderful."

  Graham was silent for a long time. Her gaze drifted beyond Anna, to another place, to another lifetime, when she was whole and her world was filled with music. She had thought then that her world was filled with love, too. She knew now she had been wrong. Annas innocent response to those faltering notes, not even a fragment of what she once wrote in an instant, reminded her painfully of what she was no more.

  Her fingertips just brushed Annas hand where it lay on her leg. She looked to where she knew Anna knelt, willing herself to see her. When she couldnt, she lifted a hand to Annas cheek.

  "I wondered if you could hear something of what I felt. I think you do. You have been kind in your praise. Thank you."

  Anna remained motionless, concentrating on the featherlight stroke of Grahams hand. Despite its gentleness, it affected her deeply. The sorrow in Grahams eyes, as they searched her face unseeing, touched her even more. Was there no way at all to ease her endless torment? She didnt realize her hands had moved to Grahams waist, or that she leaned into Grahams embrace as she struggled for some words to convey the emotions that threatened to choke her. Graham felt the heat of Annas body close against her own.

  Graham sat back abruptly, letting her hand fall away, breaking their connection.

  "I think Ill go in now. You must have things to doand I have other matters to attend to."

  Anna stifled a protest; she was embarrassed by how much she wanted her to stay. Graham had already begun to make her way back toward the house by the time Anna collected herself. Anna looked after her, confused, and hurt. Had her pitifully inadequate attempts to describe her feelings about Grahams music offended her?

  Whatever the cause of Grahams withdrawal, Anna returned to her work feeling lonely, a penetrat
ing loneliness she had never before known.

  Chapter Nine

  The sun was nearly gone when Graham rounded the corner from the rose garden. She halted abruptly when she heard the kitchen door slam with a bang. Annas angry voice carried to her clearly.

  "Mr. Reynolds," Anna shouted, her voice cold with fury, "do you mind telling me what this is?"

  He looked at the canister she held out to him, not particularly disturbed by her anger. He was thinking once again what a good-looking woman she was, especially in those cotton shorts that showed off her nice tight thighs. "Its a solventyou spray it on"

  Anna interrupted him in a deadly tone. "What was it doing on the kitchen counter?"

  "Guess I left it there when I used the phone." He stared at her, confused. She did seem to be a little irritated. "You did say I could use the phone." He gave her his best grin, the one that always worked with his wife.

  "Yes, I did," she said with steely calm. "And I expressly told you that you were to leave no tools lying around, and that you were absolutely not to bring anything into the house." She caught her breath, trying to control her temper. " Is it caustic?"

  "Well, youd get a nasty burn if you sprayed yourself. But, its clearly markedanyone can see"

  "No, Mr. Reynolds not anyone ," Anna exploded. "Youre fired. Send me a bill for what youve done so far." She turned and slammed back into the houseshe was shaking.

  She heard the door open and whirled to confront him. This was not open to discussion. But it was Graham instead who stood inside the door, her face grave.

  "That isnt necessary, Anna," she said quietly.

  Anna was too distraught for caution. She was still upset over Grahams fall that morning; she had been upset ever since Graham deserted her so precipitously; and she was sick over finding an open canister of toxic fluid in the kitchen where Graham insisted on preparing her own lunch. "Yes, it is necessary! That was dangerous!"

  "I am quite capable"

  "Yes, you are!" Anna interrupted, her voice rising. "You are amazingly capable. I am well aware that there isnt much that you cant do. But, damn it, Graham, you cant see! And theres no point in putting danger in your path. Youre so stubborn and --I would hate it so if anything happened to you!" Her voice broke, but she just couldnt help it. She seemed to be on an emotional rollercoaster lately. She was moody, and she never had been before. She woke up in the morning feeling in charge of the world, only to find herself depressed and listless by the afternoon. She hadnt felt this out of sorts in the middle of divorcing her husband! If something happened to Graham! To her horror she felt tears threatening.

  From across the room, Graham felt her distress. "Anna," she soothed, reaching out to her, finding her shoulders. "Look at me."

  Graham gently cupped Annas face with her hands, her expression intent. Drawing a tremulous breath, Anna searched Grahams face.

  "I am carefulI have learned to be. Fire him because he didnt follow your ordersfair enough. But dont let my blindness burden you with unnecessary fears. It is enough that I am a prisonerat least, in some ways, I deserve it."

  "No! You could neveroh, Graham, no!"

  Graham stilled her with the fleeting touch of one finger to Annas lips. "It doesnt matter nowits done." She softly brushed the hair back from Annas neck, allowing the thick strands to run slowly through her fingers, before dropping her hands. Quietly, she said, "There are things about me you do not know, Anna - things that some might say warrant my fate. There may be truth in that; Ive stopped asking. Whatever the case, I cant have you become a victim of my past. You must live your life and not worry about mine. Promise me?"

  Anna nodded, so affected by Grahams words that her head was pounding.

  "Ill tryI promise."

  Graham seemed satisfied and stepped back. "Thank you."

  "Graham!" Anna called as Graham turned away, loathe for her to leave, "Do you want to finish the accounts tonight?"

  Graham shook her head. "No -Ill send for you when Im ready."

  Anna was oddly disappointed, and suddenly the evening ahead of her loomed long and empty. She waited all that interminably long day and the ones that followed for some word from Graham. None ever came.

  **********

  By the time Helen entered the kitchen shortly after five am, Anna had made coffee, put bread in the oven, and was pacing restlessly in front of the window. She had barely slept and her nerves were completely frayed.

  "What are you doing up so early?" Helen asked in surprise.

  Turning abruptly, Anna asked urgently, "Helen, where is Graham? I havent seen her in three days. I looked for her at the sea wall this morning and yesterday. She hasnt been there, or out to the gardens, and she hasnt sent for me! What is going on?"

  Momentarily dismayed by Annas distress, Helen quickly composed herself. She had been shielding Graham Yardley for a great many years. "Why, shes in the music room."

  "The music room," Anna repeated stonily, trying to contain her temper. "I have never known her not to open the terrace doors when shes in there. Why now - whats happening?"

  "Shes perfectly all right," Helen insisted, although her face betrayed her uncertainty.

  "Is that why you brought back the dinner trays untouched for the last two nights? Because shes all right ? Damn it, Helen! Tell me!"

  Helen sagged slightly, abandoning her facade of disconcern. She sat heavily at the table, motioning for Anna to join her.

  "She is in the music room, and shes workingshes composingsomething she hasnt done since the accident. Im not sure its going well. Its been so long! I bring her the trays, but she sends them away untouched; she sends me away. I know she hasnt slept. It is starting to frighten me."

  Anna looked at her disbelievingly. "Ive been up to the terrace behind her study. Shes not playing- the room is dark -" Anna sighed. "Of course it would be, wouldnt it. She doesnt need the light. Its sound proof, too, isnt it?"

  "Yes, as long as the doors are closed." Helen affirmed. "I dont know if you can understand what this means, Anna. Im not sure I do any longer. Graham hasnt attempted a new work since her injury. Oh, shes written fragments - those sad melodies she plays. But nothing of any complexity, and nothing thats ever affected her like this. I used to pray that she would work again, but now Im not sure its a good thing. If she cant - Im not sure how much disappointment one soul can bear!"

  "Give me the breakfast tray," Anna said quietly.

  "Oh, no, Graham wouldnt like that!" Helen protested.

  "Helen, I dont give a damn if Graham likes it or not! Are you going to stand by for the rest of your life and watch her die a little bit more each day!?"

  Helen couldnt hide her shock, and the harsh words shook her to her core. She stared at Anna, stricken.

  "Oh my God, Helen," Anna cried. "I am so sorry!" She passed a trembling hand across her face, drawing a shaky breath. "I cant begin to apologize! I dont know what Im saying! Ive been worried sick about her, and I just - Please, can you forgive me?"

  "Its all right, my dear. I can see that youre upset for her." She turned to prepare the tray. "Maybe if I hadnt given in to her so easily all these years -" she said uncertainly.

  "No, Helen," Anna said compassionately, agonizing over the words she had uttered in anger. "Graham is a formidable woman, and I doubt that you or anyone else could have changed her. My god, if you hadnt been here for her all this time, who knows how she would have survived."

  Helen remained silent, thinking that Anna had done more to change Grahams life in three months than all of her own attention over the years. She knew Anna had spoken from a place of caring, and she was grateful at last for someone who wasnt willing to let Graham simply slip away. Everyone else who had supposedly loved her had either been too devastated by her tragedy or too weak to stand between Graham and her pain. Why Anna was willing to, she didnt know. For now she was just thankful that she did.

  "Take this then," Helen said, offering the breakfast tray. "But be prepared. You havent yet seen Graham when sh
es battling her demons. Her temper terrified most people."

  **********

  Graham stood, shoulders slumped, before the fireplace, her arms folded along the mantle, her forehead resting against them. She stared down into the cold ashes. The back of her linen shirt was rumpled and sweat-stained. From across the room, Anna could see her trembling. Graham waved a hand distractedly, "Just leave it, Helen."

  "Not until you eat," Anna said as she placed the tray next to the untouched dinner left from the night before.

  Graham turned in surprise. "Anna?"

  "Yes," Anna replied, struggling for calm. Grahams face was creased with fatigue, she was unsteady on her feet, and she looked like she had lost five pounds when what she needed was to gain twenty. Her physical fragility was shocking. Anna had grown accustomed to the force and power of Grahams presence, and to be confronted so vividly with Grahams vulnerability frightened Anna more than she could have imagined. My god, this is killing her! The thought was so terrifying Anna clenched her fists to keep from crying out.

  "Leave itplease," Graham repeated softly. She forced a smile, trying to hide her weariness. "Then go."

  Anna took a breath, "I want you to eat first."

  Graham frowned, her body rigid with tension. "I will. Later."

  "No. Now," Anna repeated, knowing she was on dangerous ground. She knew that no one dictated to Graham Yardley, and certainly not when she was in the midst of a creative fury. She steeled herself for the storm that finally arrived. Graham straightened to her full imposing height, her dark eyes flashing fire.

  "I dont have time to argue with you, Anna, nor should I have to. I am still master of this house and, if I am correct, you work for me. Dont interfere in something you know nothing about!"

  "I know you cant work like this -"

  "You presume to speak of my work?!" Graham shouted, slamming the piano lid down in frustration. "What do you know of my work! Could you even begin to recognize a great piece of music, let alone understand what it takes to create one?! Do you have any idea who I --" Graham stopped abruptly, realizing what she was about to say. Do you have any idea who I am ? Who was she now?