Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

by Love's Melody Lost (lit)

  Silence descended on Yardley Manor as each of them struggled to accept their disappointments. Anna went about her work with quiet resignation, an aching hollowness her constant companion. Whereas once the time she spent with Graham eased her loneliness, now seeing her only seemed to heighten it. And Graham, if possible, was even more remote. They spent less time together, as Graham often absented herself from the music room in the afternoons. Instead she worked late into the night, after the others were asleep. She had begun taking her meals alone again, although the trays came back barely touched. The music that echoed in the corridors was dark and melancholythe one place Graham could not hide her emotions was in her music. It was truly the mirror of her soul. Helen stood by helplessly, knowing that only Graham could change the course of their lives.

  Late one evening, to Helens surprise, Graham came to the door of her sitting room.

  "Graham, good gracious!" she exclaimed. "Whats wrong?"

  "Helen," Graham said urgently, without preamble. "Where is Anna?"

  Helen glanced at the clock on her mantle. It was almost eleven, and it occurred to her she hadnt seen Anna all evening. "I dont know. She wasnt here for dinner. Hasnt she come up?"

  "No, and I havent heard the Jeep return," Graham remarked, barely able to hide her anxiety. In some part of her consciousness she waited for the day Anna would not return. It was impossible for her to work freely when Anna wasnt about the house or grounds. Especially recently, since their estrangement, she found herself listening for Anna's step in the hall or the distinctive crunch of gravel in the drive. As much as she expected Anna to leave, she feared it. When it happened, she would lose whatever small purchase on life she had left.

  Helen could read the fear in Grahams face. Ordinarily she wouldnt have worried, but Anna hadnt been herself lately. Since the night they talked in the kitchen, Anna had been distracted and almost dazed. Helen worried she might have had an accident.

  It was hard for Helen not to think of that awful night when the call had come about Graham. She remembered only too well the agonizing hour they had all spent while men worked to free her from the wreckage. It was an hour spent not knowing if she were still alive. Helen struggled to dispel the image and quell the surge of alarm. Anna must simply have forgotten to mention her plans. Any other possibility was more than she could bear to contemplate.

  She struggled to keep her voice even. "Im sure shes fine, Graham. Go on to bed. Ill be up. If theres any problem, shell call."

  A look of panic flickered across Grahams face. Helen knew as well as she that Anna never absented herself without word. With effort she said evenly, "Of course, youre right. Just the same, Ill wait in the library in case she calls."

  Helen listened to the echo of her retreating steps, losing sight of her as she descended the dark stairway with a measured step. She knew Graham was every bit as stretched to the limit as Anna seemed to be. She wondered fearfully which one of them would lose the thin rein of control first.

  The hallway was dark when Anna let herself into the house just after one in the morning. She jumped when a voice called out to her.

  "Anna?"

  Anna fumbled for the light switch as she stepped into the library. Graham was seated in a chair before the window that fronted the main drive, as she had been for hours.

  "Graham?" Anna asked in surprise "What are you doing in here?"

  "We were worriedHelen and I. I was waiting in case you called." Graham rose, and began to pace restlessly. "Although god knows what I thought I could do about it if you were in trouble," she laughed bitterly. "We make a fine pair, Helen and I. One who cant drive, and the other one blind!"

  "Oh god, Graham," Anna cried. "I stayed to have dinner with my graduate advisorit wasnt planned. I should have called, but we started talking and I lost track of the time!" She felt miserable for having worried either of them.

  Graham made an impatient gesture, infuriated with her helplessness, embarrassed by her near panic. "Nonsense. You dont owe either of us an explanation. Your private life is none of our affair. Where you spend your time- and with whom, does not concern us."

  Anna gaped at her. She had to be the most infuriating woman she had ever met! "Is that what you think? That I was out on a date for gods sake?"

  Graham straightened her shoulders, anger replacing her worry. There was no need for Anna to know she had spent several anxious hours fearing she had left for good. "I dont think anything one way or the other, nor do I care. As I said-"

  "I know damn well what you said , Graham," Anna seethed, absolutely beyond caring whether she offended Graham or not. "What I dont understand is why you said it! You know very well how I feel about you, whether you chose to acknowledge it or not. Ive done everything short of begging you!! Dont insult me by suggesting I would simply wander off and find consolation elsewhere. Do you think youre the only one capable of a true and honorable emotion?? Damn your arrogance!"

  "It was not my intention to insult you, Anna," Graham replied in an amazingly calm tone. She couldnt remember the last time someone raised their voice to her, other than Christine. Annas sincere distress had a greater affect on her than Christines tirades ever had. "I did not mean for us to come to this," she said softly. "I never meant to misrepresent myself to you in any way."

  "Dont worry, Graham. You havent," Anna snapped. "It is I who have been mistaken, but I assure you, I will not trouble you again!" She grabbed her knapsack, intent on retreating before she completely lost the last vestige of restraint. She had tried so hard to be patient, to accept the depth of Grahams loss and disappointment, but it hadnt made any difference and she doubted it ever would.

  "I have legal matters that require your assistance. Ill need to meet with you tomorrow," Graham said as Anna stepped out into the hall. She hated this animosity between them, but there seemed no other way.

  "Certainly," Anna rejoined coldly. "Ill see you in the afternoon."

  Anna left her there, but she could not bring herself to turn out the light, even though the darkness would not matter to Graham.

  **********

  Anna worked furiouslydigging up buried roots with a spade, slashing through briars with a machete, flinging clods of earth aside with a vengeance. Her pace matched her moodshe was still boiling. She wasnt sure whom she was angrier withGraham or herself. What had she expected? Graham Yardley was a wealthy, gifted woman who had known both fame and great passion in her life. Under any circumstances she would hardly be expected to notice someone like Anna, and now, after all she had suffered, she had no special feeling for Anna. Anna struggled for acceptance, but it was so hard! What she felt for Graham went so far beyond anything she had experienced, or dreamed of experiencing. The wanting surpassed simple desireshe felt inextricably linked to her, body and soul. When she saw Graham across the room, when the sound of her voice carried out into the garden, when she heard her piano whisper in the night, fire surged through Annas being. Some primal part of her had been called forth by this woman. The combination of Grahams great strength and her great need had awakened Annas deepest passion. To be near her, and so apart, was unendurable.

  She was beginning to contemplate the unthinkable. She might need to leave Yardley. She didnt have the strength to subjugate her desires to reason - she simply couldnt be around Graham and not want her. For a few months she had managed to be content with their carefully contained relationship, but since the instant they had kissed, all that had changed. She couldnt forget it, and she couldnt stop wanting it again. She would lose her mind if she stayed, and if she left she would lose her soul. It was a choice that was no choice at all, and she cursed her own indecisiveness under her breath. She rubbed the tears from her face and grabbed her ax. She intended to cut down every dead limb at Yardley before the day was out!!

  While Anna warred with her emotions and the tangled undergrowth, Graham paced the flagstone terrace fighting her own demons. She knew she was hurting Anna by refusing to acknowledge what was between them, and she had no
answer for it. Anna had restored life to Yardley, and to herwith Anna had come the scent of fresh flowers and the teasing sound of notes in the air. Graham had responded to both as if light had suddenly been returned to her world. Her heart lifted to the sounds of Annas footsteps in the hall. Annas presence had muted the pain of years of loneliness. But Anna had awakened other senses as wellGraham knew the touch of her hands, the warmth of her skin, the soft fullness of her breasts. She knew the bruising demand of Annas kiss as her lips searched against Grahams mouth. If she made love to her, she would have to acknowledge what was in her heart. If she gave freedom to everything Anna ignited in her, she would never be able to live without her. That was what Graham retreated fromshe dared not entrust her soul again, and she could not love any other way.

  They sat thus, separated not by distance, but by uncertainty.

  **********

  Anna sighed and stepped back from the line of trees she had been pruning. She could hear the delicate strains of the music Graham was playing wafting on the breeze. She glanced up at the sky, noting absently that clouds were amassing out over the ocean. She reached for her worn denim work jacket as the sudden wind off the water brought a brisk chill to the air. She didnt want to return to the house yet, she still felt too unsettled. She needed to fortify herself before she joined Graham in her music room for their late afternoon meeting.

  Graham looked up from the keyboard as the curtains floated into the room on a chill breeze. The weight of the air on her face was dense and wet. Something ominous was stirring, and one word clamored in her mind - Anna ! She bolted up from the piano bench in a rush, pushing the terrace doors wide as she stormed through them. From the top of the stairs leading down the flagstone path to the lower reaches of the property, she called out into the gathering wind.

  "Anna!!"

  Anna looked up at the sound of Grahams voice, amazed to see the sky blackening around her. The rain and heavy winds were upon her before she knew it. In an instant a blinding wall of water blew in from the sea, drenching her and turning the garden path into a hundred yards of steep, slippery mud. To her horror she saw Graham start down toward her.

  "Graham! No, go back!!" she cried, paralyzed with fear at the thought of Graham exposed in the storm. "Go back! Im coming up."

  Abandoning her tools, Anna began to climb the path, struggling to keep her balance in the buffeting winds and pounding rain. Tree branches bent and broke in the wind, hurtling by in the swirling gale. Lightening flashed around her, and the house seemed impossibly far away. She heard a tremendous crash to her left and knew, even as she knew she could not move quickly enough to avoid it, that the old sycamore had been struck by lightening. She threw up an arm to shield her face and cried out as falling branches and limbs engulfed her. There was an instant of white-hot pain in her shoulder just as she met the ground with a jarring thud.

  Her first sensation after the initial shock was of the penetrating cold that encompassed her. The ground beneath her cheek was sodden, and her denim jeans and shirt clung to her clammy skin. The cold was almost instantly replaced with a stabbing pain in her left side and a throbbing ache in the back of her head. Her next thought was even more terrifying. Where was Graham!? Oh my god! Shes out in this storm alone!

  She pushed at the overlying branches holding her captive, managing only to worsen the pain in her arm. She fought against the need to vomit, finally ceasing her ineffective struggles. She dropped her head back to the wet ground and waited for the nausea to subside. Time seemed to slow as water dripped through the fallen trees leaves onto her face. At some point through her disorientation she thought she could hear voices.

  "For gods sake man, hurry!"

  Anna recognized Grahams deep voice, harsh with fear. Anna struggled to call Graham's name, to tell her she was all right, but all that emerged was a faint groan. She shouldnt be out here , she thought hysterically.

  "Graham," she finally croaked. "be careful!"

  "Anna- thank god!" Graham shouted, her voice choked with anxiety. "Are you hurt, love?"

  "I dont think so," Anna said as steadily as she could. In truth she was more worried about Graham than she was about her own scrapes and bruises. "Go inside - call someone to help. Please Graham, please dont stay out here- go back to the house! Just do it for me!"

  "Damn if I will!! Well have you free in a moment. Just hang on, Anna!" Graham called from somewhere quite close. "Damn it, John, cant you go any faster?" She pulled at the tree limbs in front of her, nearly mad with frustration at her inability to reach Anna. She was impervious to the branches that slashed at her hands and face. God, how she hated her blindness!

  "I almost have the limb free, maam, but it would help if youd move back. We dont need both of you under this damn tree."

  Graham turned angry eyes toward the man beside her and growled, "Im not moving until you get her out."

  A tremendous creak accompanied the shifting of the huge fork of limb that imprisoned Anna, and she cried out as the weight of the tree shifted off her tender body. Suddenly Graham was beside her, reaching a tentative, trembling hand toward her.

  "Dont move," Graham whispered softly, "youre safe now. John will have the rest of it off in a minute."

  Graham settled on the muddy slope, unmindful of the water or the cold, and very gently lifted Annas head into her lap. Despite her pain, Anna lifted both arms around Grahams neck, pressing her face against her chest.

  "Im so glad youre here," Anna whispered, clutching her tightly.

  "Ill not leave you," Graham replied, struggling to contain tears. She rocked Anna tenderly as she buried her face in Annas damp hair. "Im here."

  Anna scarcely felt any pain as she thrilled to the comfort of Grahams presence. As more of the tree was removed she tried moving her legs. Everything worked but she gasped as a multitude of small cuts began to burn.

  "Where are you hurt?" Graham asked when she had control of herself again.

  "My shoulder, but I dont think anythings broken." Anna began to realize that both of them were shivering nearly uncontrollably. "Graham," she chattered, "you have to get inside. Let me stand up."

  "Wed better wait for the doctor. And Im not leaving you." Graham swore inwardly at her own helplessness, even as she began to believe Anna was safe. For a few agonizing minutes she had feared she had lost her. She heard the tree cracking and Annas cry as it fell. Helen had confirmed her fear that Anna had been trapped under the downed tree, and the panic that followed almost proved to be Grahams undoing. All she could think of was that Anna was gone, a realization so painful she thought she would go mad. It was Helen who had the presence of mind to call both the family doctor as well as an old friend who lived nearby for help. She couldnt stop Graham from rushing headlong down the treacherous path, only to be unable to find Anna in the tangle of branches, flailing with anguished despair at obstacles she couldnt see. Helen feared that Graham would do herself real harm in her rage to find the girl.

  Even with Anna in her arms, Graham was afraid to loosen her hold. Her hands ceaselessly roamed over Annas body, seeking reassurance that Anna was safe. She didnt realize that each shaking breath bordered on a sob. She hadnt felt such panic since the night of the car crash, when she drifted in and out of consciousness, calling for Christine, getting no answer. She had lain in the twisted wreckage blinded by the blood in her eyes, trapped by the metal that pierced her leg, wondering frantically if she had killed Christine in her jealous rage. Had that been true, in all likelihood she would have taken her own life. Tonight, for those agonizing minutes before she heard Annas voice, she thought that all that remained to her of life had been taken. Her relief was so enormous, she acted without thinking. She raised Annas head with a hand cupped to her chin, capturing her mouth with a deep groan. Oblivious to all else, Anna returned her kiss with a hunger long denied. She gasped when Graham pulled away with a shaky laugh.

  "We cant wait any longer, Anna. Youre hurt and cold. We must get you inside." Raising her head, but main
taining her fierce hold on the woman in her arms, she called out, "John, help me to get her up!"

  A tall man pulled the last of the debris free and moved through the darkness to their side. He carefully lifted Anna to her feet. Graham rose unsteadily beside them, her hand clasped in Annas. Together they made their way slowly up to Yardley Manor.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The doctor spoke to Graham outside Annas room after finishing his examination.

  "Shes badly bruised, and I suspect theres a sprain of the left shoulder, but no permanent damage. She needs to be kept warm and to get plenty of rest for the next few days. Shes going to be fine." He observed the strained, pale face of the woman before him and added, "You could use a hot bath and some rest yourself, Ms. Yardley."

  "Yes, of course," Graham replied absently, her mind occupied only with her concern for Anna. She turned to push open Annas door and found Helen in her path.

  "What is it?" she asked in exasperation. All she wanted was to be alone with Anna. She needed to be certain that she was safe.

  "Youre soaked through and shaking. You need a hot bath and youre not going in there until you have one." Helen steeled herself for what she knew was coming. As expected, Grahams well-known temper ignited.

  "Please step aside, Helen," Graham ordered, reaching toward the door. "I intend to see her, and I intend to see her now ."

  Very quietly, Helen responded, "Sweetheart, your face and hands are scratched and bleeding. Youre going to scare her to death if you dont get cleaned up. Do you want her worrying about you when she should be resting?"

  Graham paused, wanting to argue but knowing Helen was right. "All right, a quick one," she relented. "Please tell her I wont be long."

  It was in fact only a few moments before she approached Annas door once again, and smelled the aroma of hot tea. She followed the scent into Annas room.

  Helen efficiently set up a tray and pulled a chair close to the bedside, carefully directing Graham to it.