Love, Lies & The D.A.

by Rohman, Rebecca

  Bobby embraces me, followed by Mom, then Val. I truly appreciate their support and I love them for being here, but I wish I were alone.

  “Let me fix you some lunch,” Mom says.

  “I’m not hungry,” I reply.

  Val walks over and squeezes my hand. “Jada, you’re going to have to eat. Jonathan saw to it that you got your dinner last night. At least have the pumpkin soup?”

  “He thought of every detail in case things went wrong. I feel so—” I pause. “I’m responsible for this.”

  “No, you’re not,” Bobby says. “The mob and Richard are responsible for this. Richard was laundering money for Francesco Rossellini and his son, Giorgio. He stole from him so Giorgio had him killed. That’s why he tried to get the money from you. Then when he found out that you and Jonathan were involved, he thought it would be the perfect revenge for Johnny putting his father behind bars. He intended to kill you so Jonathan would understand how he felt when he lost his father. He killed Jonathan. This was not your fault.”

  “I hope he rots in prison for the rest of his life.”

  The room falls silent.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  “I’m going to heat up that pumpkin soup,” Val says, walking towards the refrigerator.

  “Tell me? What’s going on?”

  “Giorgio Rossellini and one of his henchmen escaped. There’s a man hunt for them going on right now.”

  “This is crazy. So the man who actually pulled the trigger is free?”

  “For now, yes,” Bobby replies. “The good news is, all charges should be dropped against you by this afternoon.”

  “Wow. Good news. Jonathan had to die for that to happen,” I reply sarcastically. “Good news would be finding out this is all a mistake and Jonathan is fine. That would be good news.”

  “I’m sorry,” he replies.

  By the next day, I’m a free woman. Bobby wants to take me out of the state immediately because neither he nor the FBI are sure about my safety. I want to go on a trip somewhere and be alone, but not before Jonathan’s memorial in a few days.

  His family has chosen to scatter his ashes in a private event and hold a public service after. I don’t think I will be present for the latter.

  I feel the need to say goodbye to him in my own way. I thought of going to the funeral home to see his body, but I don’t want my last memory of him to be bloody and gruesome with half his face blown off.

  I ask Bobby and Phillip to escort me to his house. I need this for my own closure, if any such thing exists.

  “Do you want me to come inside with you?” Bobby asks.

  I shake my head. I’d prefer to do this alone. They give me my privacy and wait in the vehicle, parked in the garage.

  The last time I was here, I was kidnapped. I walk up the stairs and things are so different, so quiet. The dogs would have been whining with excitement by now, under normal circumstances. It seems so long ago. However, in reality, it’s been five days since I was last here.

  Everything seems in place. The dog’s water bowls are tucked neatly, as usual, in the corner of the kitchen. The jazz records I pulled out still lie on the coffee table—a harsh reminder to me of how I intended for that night to end. The reality, so vastly different.

  I head up the stairs and to his room—the last place we made love on our return from our camping expedition. We never quite made it to the bed that morning.

  The images of our last few happy days before the kidnapping flicker in my mind, reminding me once more that they are times we will never share together again. I continue into his room. The bottle of champagne that was once on ice now slightly floats in water. The tux he wore that night is slouched over one of the chairs. I slightly smile when I see his bowtie. I fold it neatly and slip it into my jeans pocket.

  The once candles are now all melted wax. The red satin sheets haven’t been touched, and I’m reminded that I’ll never get to make love to him again. We never made love in his bed. That Saturday night would have been our first time, if only I wasn’t kidnapped—that night was the beginning of our end.

  If I had my way, I’d probably keep his house both here and in Lake Tahoe. Leave them the exact way they are, at least for a while, so I could return when I wanted to be near him. However, I don’t feel like I have the right or a say in what happens to him or his belongings.

  Jonathan and I hadn’t even labeled our relationship to the outside world. What we’ve shared was mostly between our families and us. To feel like I even had some right would be completely outrageous on my part.

  I curl up on his bed and lie in silence. His scent is all around me. I take some comfort being surrounded by his things, but everything is now lifeless, like him. I weep. Being in his space probably for the last time reminds me that he is no longer here.

  Two days later, escorted by the FBI, we leave for Lake Tahoe. When we arrive, Delores is there to greet us. I’m not sure what the sleeping arrangements are, but Caroline said we could all stay at the house.

  It’s past noon, and after Caroline shows everyone to their rooms, she helps Delores fix lunch. I’m somewhat surprised she lets me stay in Jonathan’s room.

  I suspect keeping busy helps her stay focused on something else other than the death of her son.

  Megan seems better than I expected, compared to how she was when her dad died. Pierce has been his usual supportive self, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel uncomfortable with Daniel.

  Jonathan always told me I shouldn’t take his demeanor personally, but he’s avoided me from the moment we all saw each other today. I tried to say hello to him, but he conveniently turned away when I walked towards him. He probably blames be for Jonathan’s death. I could understand that. I blame myself too. At this point, I think I need to give him his space.

  I need to try to get myself in the frame of mind for the evening ahead. I am told that a few other family members and close friends will be coming this afternoon. A small service will be held at the house, and we will scatter his ashes at sunset out in the lake in Nevada.

  I’m nervous and my stomach feels unsettled. I’m not sure I’m prepared for the afternoon ahead. I’ve been trying hard these last few days to get my life back to some semblance of normalcy, but I’m not even sure I know what that means anymore.

  On Sunday, Mom and Bobby will return to their lives, and I’ll be leaving the country. For where, I’m uncertain, but after the last six months, I need to go somewhere to clear my head and try to get my life back on track.

  I’ve had some pretty outrageous thoughts these last few days, none that I’ve had the guts to articulate. Before I do anything crazy, I realize I need to give myself some time to heal, and I do that best when I’m alone.

  A knock sounds on my door, and my mom comes in.

  “I came to see if I could get you anything, or if you needed any help getting ready?”

  “Thanks, but I don’t think so.”

  “Come on. Sit. I’ll help you fix your hair and do your makeup.”

  I’m about to argue, but I stop myself and let her have her way. At this point, I’m not sure what I look like makes the slightest difference, but I suppose I should make an effort to cover up some of those marks that are still on my face. For a moment, I feel like a child again. I guess my mom doing my hair reminds me of that. When she’s done, I slip into a sleeveless, bateau-neck tailored A-line black dress. I slip on a pair of flats then I am ready to head out.

  I’m not quite prepared for what I see when I come down the stairs. The great room is transformed. The living room furniture has disappeared and is replaced with white chairs in a theatre seating arrangement facing the fireplace and the view. Flowers frame the fireplace, but I think what I’m most unprepared for is the oversized photo of Jonathan that stares me in the face. A photo I took. A photo that I was completely unaware that Caroline even had. I suppose she pulled them off of the DVD that accompanied the book. It’s a photo I took of him on his birthday in Big
Sur.

  I am completely overwhelmed, and images from that day inundate my mind. They were happy memories of a place we said we’d return to, but now…

  Almost everyone is seated. I recognize his aunts, uncle, and cousins from his dad’s funeral, and David, Kat, and the twins are present, as well as Phillip and Douglas. I take a deep breath. After saying a quick hello, I sit next to Bobby, and Megan sits next to me. Caroline sits between Pierce and Daniel across the aisle. As the priest walks in, I feel like my chest is about to burst. This is the beginning of my final goodbye.

  For the first time, I notice the black urn sitting on a small table below the easel, and it suddenly becomes very real that Jonathan is gone. The priest starts the proceedings, and I’m finding it increasingly hard to keep my emotions under control. I can’t stop staring at the urn. I guess there was a part of me that was still hoping that this wasn’t real, that Jonathan would somehow walk in.

  Megan holds my hand, and I find myself sealing my eyes shut so the tears won’t fall. Then the priest says something about cherishing our happy memories, and the memories from that photo, the weekends in this house, New Year’s weekend at my Tahoe house, the times we made love, and so many more flood my mind. I completely loose it, and so does Megan beside me.

  Caroline stands a while later. It surprises me that she will be doing the eulogy.

  “Jonathan. My first-born. My Protector-in-Chief, I used to call him. When I returned home from the hospital after giving birth to Daniel, he wanted no one, including his father, touching his brother. That trend continued two babies later. I never understood where that protective instinct came from, but I guess it was just a part of who he was.

  He has always been what you’d hope your first-born would be—loving, responsible, caring. And he always set the example for his siblings. He loved his family dearly, especially his brothers and little sis Megan. He’s always put us first.

  He showed that recently after his dad died, giving up a job that he wanted so badly and worked so hard for so that he could put the needs of our family first. So that he could protect his father’s legacy.

  He always had a love for family. He purchased this big house with us in mind. We’ve had so many fun memories here.

  Then months ago, he met Jada, and he fell in love. The last few months of his life were the happiest I’d ever seen him. Jada, I don’t know if he ever got the chance to tell you, but he told me, and I’m so thankful to you for making such a huge difference and making my son so happy the last few months of his life.”

  This hurts so badly. I know her words are supposed to give me some comfort, but I can’t seem to come to terms with the fact Jonathan is gone. Despite the fact that the black urn with his ashes sits right in front of me, I don’t want to believe it.

  The service is over. Caroline hired a bus to take us all to the lake where a riverboat awaits. I don’t think I can do this. I simply don’t want to say goodbye.

  I sit on the upper deck of the riverboat, alone. There are so many memories here in Lake Tahoe. This is where we met. It’s where we shared our first kiss. It’s where we began, and it’s where I will say goodbye.

  “Jada…” I look over my shoulder and Daniel comes. He sits beside me.

  “Hi,” I reply. He’s been reserved, but Wendy is not present today. I’m not sure if that was his choice, or his mother’s.

  “I’m sorry,” he says softly.

  “I’m sorry too,” I reply, fighting back the tears.

  “I know I’ve been distant… I have to admit I believed some of those rumors. I should have trusted my father and my brother’s judgment.”

  “It’s fine. It’s over now,” I whisper.

  “I’m sorry about Wendy too. I didn’t want to believe she would use me the way she did, but once I saw all those photos all over the news and in those magazines, I realized she betrayed me.”

  “I know how that feels. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

  “Can you forgive me?”

  “Sure,” I reply. He leans over and hugs me.

  “Can you leave me alone for a while, please?” I ask.

  “Sure. Should I send your mom or brother up?”

  “No thanks. I just need some time alone.”

  He leaves, and I gaze at a flock of birds as they fly over. I miss Jonathan so much, and I know soon, it will be time to say a final goodbye.

  Caroline calls me down, and I know this is it. My body erupts into a violent quake. Mommy and Bobby stand beside me, the priest says a prayer, then Jonathan’s cousin—Rob, I think his name is—reads the 23rd Psalm.

  Daniel has the urn in his hand. When Rob is done, Caroline pulls the lid off the top. Through the speakers, the words of the song Dust In The Wind come through. Seemingly so appropriate, she takes the urn, empties some of the contents, then passes it to Daniel. He does the same then passes it to Pierce, then lastly to Megan. I am so sad at the sight of what’s left of him blowing in the wind, but then Megan walks over to me with her arms outstretched with the urn.

  I hesitate. I’m surprised. I did not know they planned for me to be involved in this.

  “It’s okay,” she whispers. “You’re the last. You can empty it all out.”

  I take it from her then nervously walk to the boat’s edge. I’m so afraid. As I tilt it over, and I watch the dust travel in the wind, I realize I’m letting him go. I’m saying my final goodbye. Goodbye to the short beautiful time that we shared, goodbye to any hopes and dreams that we might have shared, and goodbye to any sort of life that might have involved Jonathan Kole. As I look at the dust that falls upon the blue waters, I am aware that this is it… it’s over, done, ended. He’s not coming back. I feel my knees go weak, and I fall in my brother’s arms.

  As the boat heads back to the California side of the lake, a stunning sunset glows above, and I have to take that to mean he is happy and safe in his final resting place.

  Days later, Mom, Bobby, and Val say their goodbyes, and I’m alone once more. Really alone.

  I’ve been putting on a brave face, but every day has been a struggle. It’s something I need to get through on my own, and perhaps with some divine intervention. I am happiest and most at peace in a beautiful place with my camera, so I search the internet for some place I can lose myself in for a while, in an attempt to get my life back on track. I need a complete change of scenery.

  On my bedside table, the red envelope Jonathan gave me at dinner last week ago catches my attention. My mind is made up. I’m going to Chile.

  After some calls to Ian, Caroline, and Bobby, the following morning, Phillip escorts me to the airport, sees to it that I get on the jet, and soon I am on a twelve-hour flight bound for Patagonia, Chile.

  I should have thought out this trip a little better. While from the pictures I’ve seen, this place I’ll be visiting is out of this world, Jonathan and I should have taken this trip together. I wonder if I’m doing myself any favors by travelling so soon on my own after his death to a place we’d planned to visit together.

  After the funeral, Caroline was supportive, but at times, it was difficult for me to be around his family. In a strange way, it was a sad reminder that he was gone.

  I miss him every second of every minute of every day. I’ve managed to curb my tears and emotions to only when I’m in absolute privacy. To the outsider, it may seem like I’m coping well, but it feels like I found out five seconds ago he died. The pain of losing him is still as raw as it felt a week ago.

  I find myself keeping his unwashed T-shirt he last wore with me. I know physically, I did all the things to say goodbye, but emotionally, I still haven’t let him go.

  I go through complete extremes. At times, for days I don’t sleep. Other times, I sleep the pain away. I know I’ve lost weight. How much, I’m not sure, but it’s enough for the cast on my wrist to be a tad loose.

  I have to believe that I’ll make it through this and everything else I’ve been through the last few months. How? I ha
ve no idea…

  It’s nightfall when I finally arrive at the small resort. I can’t see too much, but the overwhelming sounds of the waterfall downstream surround me when I step out of the vehicle.

  My suite is simple with clean contemporary lines and maple wood. The fabrics and furnishings are all white, creating a tranquil atmosphere. I look forward to tomorrow. I’m eager to see the stunning ice capped mountains that border this place.

  I shower and crawl into bed after a long day of travelling. Three hours of tossing and turning later, without a bit of sleep, I get dressed. Bundled in at least four layers of clothing, I take a walk outside.

  I can’t see too much, but this place smells clean, untouched, unspoiled. I climb onto some rocks that overlook the river in front of me and absorb the sounds of running water.

  I wish Jonathan were here. I wonder if he thinks about me the way I think about him in wherever that place he might be is. I wonder what his life is like on the other side.

  I feel so empty. I’m not sure what my purpose here on earth is anymore. I used to love my life, my work, how I earned my living. I still love what I’ve accomplished and the little enterprise I created, but I question whether it’s something I’ll ever want to return to daily.

  It could be I’m feeling this way because I’m dealing with so much now. I’m not certain of much anymore. Why was Daddy taken away from me with no warning? What was the reason I was with a man who lied to me for years? Why did my best friend betray me? Why did Jonathan come into my life? Why, when after I fell in love with him, was he taken away?

  Either I’m a glutton for punishment or a higher power is trying to teach me a lesson. A lesson I’m yet to learn. Why? Why did this happen? I am looking for a why. Maybe there is no why. I’m not sure that any reason or explanation would give me the answers I crave. Even if they did, what difference would it make? Daddy’s gone, Koto is gone, and Jonathan was taken away.

  I sit and think for hours. By sunrise, I still have no answers, but the natural beauty that surrounds me preoccupies my mind. Three jagged granite peaks topped with snow and stunning blue glaciers in the distance replace my sad thoughts. At this moment, I am in a better place, a place I hope that I can remain for at least the rest of the day… or my stay.