by Kirby Howell
I kept replaying the explosion outside The Water Tower, when Sam and the other Greeters were closing in on me. I was certain now it wasn’t a random occurrence. First, we had been blown away from each other, as if the explosion happened between me and my pursuers. I was barely lifted off my feet when the force of it knocked me back, while they seemed to bear the brunt of the concussion, as if it were aimed at them.
Second, there wasn’t any fire. If it had been a gas leak, wouldn’t fire have accompanied the blast?
Finally, the only sound had been the noise of the various objects caught in the blast. What kind of explosion was silent?
Grey’s face flashed to the front of my memory again. I was certain I saw him in between Sam and me for a split second. But it didn’t make sense, because he appeared in the elevator with Ben and Rissi only a minute later. He couldn’t have been in two places at once. Was I so enamored with him that I saw him everywhere?
I wondered where Grey was now. He told me he’d keep an eye on Ben during the scout. I just hoped Ben wouldn’t notice. He would dislike Grey even more and think I had put him up to it. I wondered how far away from me they both were. Could they already be outside the city?
I must have fallen asleep because, when I opened my eyes, I heard the sounds of morning outside my door. I untangled myself from Rissi and covered her again with her small blanket. I tested a little weight on my feet and found that a lot of the pain had diminished overnight. I grabbed my rationed toothbrush, comb and a bottle of water and let myself out into the hallway. I immediately ran into Connie, who looked absolutely exuberant.
“Hey,” she said cheerfully. “Guess what? Shad comes home today.”
“Oh, right!” I answered. “Are you going to get him now?”
“I am. Want to come?”
“I would, but Rissi’s still asleep. I’m going to go clean myself up while I can. I’ll come by later to visit.” I gave her a quick hug. “I knew he’d get better fast.”
She nodded, still grinning like a carved pumpkin. “I wasn’t sure they’d actually let him leave the infirmary today, but Grey came and told me this morning.”
“Grey? I thought he was on the scout?” My heartbeat quickened.
“I thought he was, too, but Todd told him he had to stay here this time. Said he wasn’t looking good enough for the trip. Poor guy, he hardly ever gets to sleep a full eight hours.”
My thoughts raced. Grey was here! But the scouts left yesterday morning? Where was he all day yesterday? My worry for Ben grew, knowing Grey wasn’t with him.
Connie hugged me again and took off for the infirmary while I headed in the opposite direction toward the bathrooms. While I knew it wouldn’t be as good as a hot shower, taking a sponge bath out of a modified high school bathroom sink would feel good. I washed quickly and then brushed my teeth, trying to ignore the noise of my discarded water dripping into the bucket under the sink. I used the smallest amount of my water ration as possible, but enough to fill the bucket up to the line drawn on its side with a permanent marker. When I saw that I had enough, I capped my water bottles and took the bucket into one of the bathroom stalls. I used the toilet, then poured the bucket into the tank so I could flush. I was grateful that this group hadn’t let their septic system go. Dealing with an outhouse situation while trying to hide from The Front would have been difficult.
When I came out of the stall and saw my reflection in the mirror, I almost felt like a girl again. I squirted antibacterial gel into my palms from the bottle on the counter. One of the scouts must have raided a bath store warehouse full of this stuff because the bathrooms and common areas were stocked with pastel bottles with names like Daydream Meadow.
I sat down on the tile floor and pulled off the layers of socks from my feet, then unwound the bandages. My feet were no longer swollen or red, and the blisters looked mostly healed. I had to hand it to Lydia, even though she was probably incapable of telling a joke, she did good work.
When I finished, I headed back to my room, and I began to anticipate going to the infirmary to see Grey later. Hopefully, Lydia wouldn’t be there, and I would be able to ask Grey all the questions I wanted.
I was about to open my door when I heard Rissi giggling. I peeked in the room across the hall. Rissi and Connie were sitting on one of the mattresses, playing with a couple of Rissi’s dolls. Connie looked in her element. Then I saw Shad propped up on the bed in the corner, his torso stiff with bandages.
“Welcome home!” I exclaimed.
Connie looked up at me, smiling brilliantly, then looked over at Shad. His cheeks were full of color, and he grinned back at her.
“Doc says I’ll make a full recovery. I should have some pretty cool scars though. The chicks should dig that,” he said proudly, and I laughed.
Connie rolled her eyes and said, “It hasn’t been the same without you.” She glanced at my feet. “Looks like you’re healing, too.”
I wiggled my toes and said, “Yup, I won’t be walking like a bear on stilts anymore.”
Rissi giggled and said, “You should put shoes on or you’ll catch a cold.”
It was true; the cement floor was cold under my feet, but it felt good after having them wrapped up like mummies for the past day and a half. “Yes, mom,” I said.
I was pulling on socks and sneakers when Connie appeared in the doorway. “I forgot Shad’s pain medication at the infirmary. I’ll be right back.”
I stood up quickly. “I’ll go. You stay here with Shad. I need to talk to Grey anyway.”
Connie winked at me, and I felt a flush cross my cheeks. I hoped she didn’t notice. I set off down the hall, trying to keep my pace normal. I felt almost giddy. Connie’s happiness was contagious. Sarah’s happiness had been the same way. When she laughed, I always had to laugh as well. I remembered passing notes back and forth with Sarah in geology class at school, drawing pictures to make each other laugh. I chuckled now, just thinking about it, but my chuckle died quickly as homesickness tapped me on the shoulder, reminding me it would always be lurking just behind me.
This homesickness wasn’t just for my physical home back at The Water Tower. It was for a time period of my life, it was a mood, it was the feeling that my parents weren’t too far away if I needed them. It was sitting out on our terrace with Sarah on Friday nights drinking Shirley Temples and giggling until my dad shuffled up the steps in his blue terrycloth bathrobe and told us to knock it off. My heart ached for that again.
The only bright corner of my heart, where nothing seemed to hurt, was where Grey was. When I thought of him, I could see a future where I could be happy again, where I might not be just like I was before the Crimson Fever, but at least a version of myself that felt whole.
I stayed in that warm corner of my heart until I reached the door of the large supply room. I saw the curtained-off area and moved to it.
I wasn’t sure what to do then. I didn’t want to walk in unannounced, but there was no solid surface to knock on. So I just cleared my throat said, “Grey? Are you there?”
There was a pause, and, suddenly, the curtain was whisked open. Lydia stood staring at me. I inadvertently took a step back, and Grey came into view behind her. He was sitting on the exam table, a tourniquet tied around his upper arm, giving himself an injection of what looked like a very large amount of clear fluid, based on the size of the syringe’s barrel.
Connie’s voice echoed through my head, “Todd thought he didn’t look well enough to go on the scout.”
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to interrupt. I can come back,” I said, flustered.
Grey glanced up at me right as Lydia stepped in front of him, blocking him from view. “Yes,” she said icily, “You’ll need to come back later.” She grasped the curtain as if to close it, but Grey called out from behind her.
“Wait, Lydia. It’s okay. Autumn, will you sit with me?”
I looked at Lydia as she slowly backed away from the opening. Her head was turned away from me, so I couldn�
��t be sure, but it sounded like she murmured something like, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
We passed through the opening at the same time, and as she swept by me, I smelled a very faint yet sharp smell, almost like citrus, but not quite. I couldn’t place it, but I knew I had smelled it before. I walked slowly to Grey, confused at the sight of him with the needle and syringe. The same strong citrus smell seemed to emanate from him as well. It smelled almost like the solution my mother used to mop the kitchen floor. Maybe they just cleaned the infirmary. I was about to ask if he was okay when Lydia’s voice made me jump. I thought she’d left, but she was standing behind me in the doorway.
“Don’t let your attention wander, Grey. It's not like you to forget to do this.” It was the first time Lydia’s voice had shown anything more than just icy crispness. Instead, she sounded condescending and almost sarcastic.
Grey’s blue eyes twinkled, and a hint of laughter showed at the corners of his mouth. “I won’t. Thank you, Lydia.”
And then we were alone. I stood awkwardly at the end of the exam table. I ripped my eyes away from the giant syringe and let my gaze travel up his muscular arm, tied tight with a tourniquet, to his neck, where his veins looked strangely swollen, and then to his face. He was watching me intently. My heart thudded when our eyes met.
“How are your feet? Would you like to sit down?” Grey nodded to a folding chair across the room.
“No, I’m okay.” I didn’t want to be any farther away from him. “They feel much better.” I hesitated, then asked, “Are you okay?”
I suddenly saw what Connie meant about Grey not looking well. His beautiful eyes had dark smudges under them and looked puffy, like he needed sleep. His skin was pale, not quite sickly looking, but definitely void of a healthy color. I was slightly shocked. He didn’t look like this when I last saw him.
“Of course I’m okay,” he smiled and continued. “I’ve had to take these for years. I’ll get sick if I don’t have one monthly. Don’t worry about me.” As he said this, he gently pulled the needle out of his vein, put the now-empty syringe on a tray beside him and pressed a bit of cotton over the small mark. He wrapped some medical tape around his forearm to keep the cotton in place, took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall, his eyes closed.
“Are you okay?” I asked again.
He didn’t open his eyes, but he murmured, “Just fine. Those doses always sap my energy. I’ll be good as new in a few minutes.” His crystal blue eyes opened just a crack and searched the room behind me. “Could you please hand me my sweater?”
I turned and saw a navy sweater on another table. I walked over and picked it up. It was the same button-front sweater he always wore. When I touched the soft, thin wool, I was instantly transported to the night he held me in the alley. I remembered the texture of this sweater and the way it’d felt against my skin. I handed it to him and said, “This feels like its a hundred years old.”
He just smiled and shrugged into the sweater, fastening the large wooden buttons without looking. He closed his eyes again and leaned his head back against the wall. I took the opportunity to move a bit closer to him.
“So you didn’t go on the scout?”
He shook his head slightly, his eyes still closed. “No, Todd didn’t think I should go.”
“Oh.” I noticed the color was coming back to his cheeks. He didn’t look nearly as exhausted as he had when I first walked in. Had I imagined the dark circles under his eyes and bulging veins in his neck? Because they’d now disappeared completely.
His eyes slipped open, and he looked at me. “Don’t worry about Ben. He’ll be fine.”
I nodded, guilty I hadn’t been thinking about Ben when Grey thought I was worried. “Where were you all day yesterday, if you weren’t on the scout? I didn’t see you around.”
“I had some things to take care of that kept me busy. I’m sorry I wasn’t around to say hello to you.” He gave me a small smile.
“It’s okay,” I murmured, watching him breathe.
He slowly leaned forward and reached out his hand to my throat. Everything inside me froze for a moment as his finger gently brushed the Celtic knot charm dangling on its silver chain between my collarbones. I’d forgotten it was there. I’d grown so used to the light weight of it over the years of wearing it.
“Fòmhair... a bhean mo chroi...” he murmured suddenly.3 My eyes flicked up at the recognition of my name in Gaelic. To hear the familiar words coming from Grey was startling, but I almost wasn’t surprised. Of course he would know Gaelic. He seemed to know everything else, why not a language that was centuries old and probably a hundred years removed from being widely used? I realized my mouth was hanging open slightly and shut it quickly.
“How do you know Gaelic?” I asked, burning with curiosity.
Grey raised his eyebrows, his head still resting on the wall. “How do you know Gaelic?”
“My mother is Irish. Her parents still live outside Dublin... well, they used to live there...” I corrected quietly and scratched my forehead to hide my face for a moment. A memory of their stone cottage perched on the emerald green hill flashed through my mind, and I saw Mamó waiting outside the front door. She always seemed to know when we’d arrive and would be waiting for us to drive up in our rental car. I tried to put it out of my mind and continued. “My grandparents used to speak Gaelic to each other, and Mamó taught me a few phrases and my name, of course, but I don’t know what you said after my name."
“I wondered if this might be a family heirloom or just a fad at your school.” His blue eyes were as soft as the winter sky as he watched me.
“Oh,” I managed. “Um, it’s an heirloom. It was hers.”
Grey’s eyes widened slightly with interest. “What other phrases do you know?”
“Um...” I dug back in my mind, searching for where those memories were stored. Suddenly, I saw my mother waltzing my grandma around the dining room table at my grandma’s old house. Both were laughing and singing along to a Bing Crosby record.
“An bhfuil tu damhsa liom?”4
Grey smiled. “I would love to dance with you. Perhaps we’ll get a chance one day soon, when there’s music again. What else do you know?”
My heart fluttered at his words, and I dug back into my memories again, excited to share what we suddenly had in common. I recalled my grandpa falling asleep in his recliner after having had a few too many lagers with my dad before supper and Mamó poking him awake with a wooden spoon and yelling in his ear.
“Go dtackta an diabhal tu!” I said with a smile.5
Grey chuckled. “Harsh words for a lady, don’t you think?”
I laughed, remembering how my grandpa had just snored and Mamó had given up and served dinner without him. “She said that to my grandpa a lot.”
“Now I see where you get your spunk,” Grey said, laughing with me.
“How do you know Gaelic?” I asked.
He paused, still smiling then said, “Just something I picked up.”
“Gaelic isn’t a language that you just pick up. It’s not like learning Spanish because you happen to live in the Southwest.”
Grey shrugged, “I had a mentor a few years back who had a love of ancient languages.”
I nodded, wanting to hear more, but he didn’t continue. Instead, he said, “Do you know 'a stòr’6?”
I nodded again. It was a term of endearment used by lovers and roughly translated to “treasure.” I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks. He didn’t say more. His eyes were closed again, and it appeared we were done talking about Gaelic for the time being.
I let my eyes wander across his face, marveling at how attractive he was. But I didn’t want to be caught staring at him if he were to open his eyes, so I looked down and began to twist a couple loose threads at the bottom of his sweater. I wondered what kept leading me to him? It was almost as if I could feel my future with him. Where I couldn’t see my future before, I now saw lights shining and pointi
ng the way. And if he didn’t feel the same? I wasn’t going to look down that path. My hands shook slightly, and I closed my eyes.
A warm hand suddenly covered my own. My eyes flicked open and found Grey’s face only inches from my own. His crystal eyes were even more fascinating up close. Flecks of different hues of blue, all seeming to glow from within, made up the iris. A line of midnight blue ringed the outside. The line was so faint, it reminded me of the horizon of the Pacific Ocean against the blue sky; almost impossible to tell where it started and ended.
“Are you all right?” he whispered. I couldn’t breathe. I could have nodded, but I didn’t. I slowly leaned forward until the tip of my nose grazed his jaw line. He didn’t move. I felt like I was being pulled in by some invisible force. I wanted to be closer. I slowly brushed his chin with my lips. I felt his slight intake of breath, then turned my head and hesitantly touched his lips with mine. He still didn’t move. I backed away until I could see his eyes. What I saw made me take a step back.
There was a small amount of fear in his eyes. Fear, of all emotions, why fear? There wasn’t much, but it was definitely there. I took another step back.
I whispered, “I’m sorry, I...” My voice faded. He was still in the same position, frozen, watching me back further away from him.
I suddenly remembered Shad’s pain medicine. I couldn’t go back empty-handed. I saw a small pill bottle and picked it up.
“Is this for Shad? Connie sent me to pick up his pain medication.” Grey barely nodded his head. I backed away, until I felt the curtain brush against my back, and with one last look at his fearful expression, I turned and left.
Walking down the hallway, clutching Shad’s pain medicine, I suddenly remembered the questions I’d wanted to ask Grey. I doubted I’d ever get a chance to ask him now that I’d completely embarrassed myself. I didn’t think I’d have the strength to face him again after my unwanted kiss. I suddenly felt bad for Ben and wondered if I’d made him feel this way after our kiss that night the fires broke out.
