Lila Blue

by Annie Katz

  "Of course not,” I said. “Mom, are you okay? You don't sound right."

  "How would you sound if you lost your job and your car?"

  "Mom? Are you hurt? What happened?"

  "I was sick of that job anyway."

  "You always liked the club. What happened?"

  "I need to talk to Lila."

  "I'll ask her to call you tonight," I said, feeling cautious and estranged from her. I didn't really want to know what had happened, because I was sure there was nothing I could do about it.

  "Baby, you still love me, don't you?" she asked. Her pitiful voice penetrated my guard and tugged at my heart.

  "Of course I love you. You're my mom. I've always loved you and I always will. What happened?"

  "They said I was drunk on the job. I wasn't drunk. Maybe I had a few, but I was stressed out from the extra hours. What did they expect?"

  "Mom, are you home by yourself? Is someone with you? Do you need anything?"

  "I'm not in the mood for your attitude,” she said. “Tell Lila to call me."

  "Okay," I said. "Can I do anything?"

  "Stop feeling sorry for me. I can't stand it when you do that." She hung up the phone without saying goodbye.

  I was so worried I tried calling back, but she didn't pick up. I called Grandma Betty's number but she wasn't home. I thought about calling my mom's sisters, but they had their hands full with jobs and kids, and they'd never been able to help me before. Grandma Betty complained that her three daughters competed for whose life was the most screwed up.

  Then I called the number for Barb, my mom's friend from work. There was no answer. I didn't know what else to do, so I did Lila's favorite thing. I prayed.

  Maybe my dream was right. Maybe my mom was lost, just like Mark had been. Maybe she needed a miracle to help save her life. I hoped the angels and spirit helpers would be there for her and help her get where she needed to be. But I did not want to be with her now, not for anything.

  I loved Janice, but if she was drowning, I didn't want her to take me with her. I wanted to live.

  I held myself back from running to Lila's shop. She'd already had to close her business early because of grandkid emergencies. I didn't want to make a habit of it.

  Besides, what could Lila do? Send money? I didn't think money could fix the kind of problems my mom had.

  I prayed for us all to be safe, healthy, and happy. I knew it was right to pray for those things, but I also had a very selfish wish that I prayed would come true. I wanted to stay with Lila Blue. I wanted to live at the beach and make a good life for myself. I wanted to live.

  It was not yet three o'clock, so I needed to do something for three hours. I couldn't concentrate on reading a book, there was no TV or radio, and I'd already walked on the beach, read my dictionary, and written in my journal. I decided the best thing to do was go see what was happening in the village.

  I popped my head in Lila's shop to tell her where I was headed, and she smiled and nodded. She was cutting someone's hair, a lady I recognized from the seal watch crew, but I didn't know her name.

  When I went in The Salty Dog, Les was cleaning the taffy machines getting ready for a new batch. Each batch took about two hours, so she could get another one done and clean everything before closing time at six. There were no customers, and Kim was in the back room with Sailor, doing paperwork at the big desk there.

  I peeked in to visit them, and Sailor came to me. She was so gentle she reminded me of a deer. She slipped her head under my hand and lifted up, inviting me to pet her. She was so grateful, how could anyone resist?

  Kim said, "I see Lila is working her regular shifts again."

  I nodded.

  "Is it hard to adjust to the boys leaving?" she asked.

  "A little," I said. "It's weird, because I barely know them, but it seems we did so much together. I wonder how it feels for them."

  "Maybe like a dream," Kim said. "When we get back from a vacation, I always feel it didn't really happen, I just dreamed it."

  "Lila said some people believe all of life is just a kind of dream," I said, hoping I didn't sound too weird.

  "Lila's a very wise woman," Kim said.

  "How long have you known her?"

  "It was a coincidence, or maybe fate," Kim said, "but Les and I opened our shop the very week Lila opened hers. We helped each other right from the start. She taught us so much about keeping our business records, making schedules, and spending our advertising money wisely. It was her idea to have the ledge outside so children could see us make taffy from out there. She helped us get permission from the county officials. She's one of the most generous, good natured people we've ever met."

  "She's helped me a lot already," I said. And then because it was so easy to talk to Kim, I said, "I hope I can stay here when school starts."

  "That would be wonderful!" Kim said.

  Then I saw I was keeping her from her work, so I went back to the front part of the shop where Les had just finished cleaning the machines and mopping the floor in the work area.

  "Cassandra," Les said. "Just the person I wanted to see."

  "What did I do?" I asked, smiling at her.

  "Ask not what you've done, but what you can do," she said.

  "What can I do, then?" I asked, thinking if I dug myself a deep enough groove in the village, nothing could pry me out.

  "You can come learn the business so Kim and I can run off to Tahoe for a vacation."

  "Right," I said. "I knew you were the gambling types." I was sure they'd never even put one nickel in a slot machine, much less gamble. My mom was a gambler. I knew what she was like.

  "Now don't be sassy with me," Les said. "If you must know, we go for the skiing and fine dining. We don't squander our hard-earned taffy money on booze and card games."

  "That's a relief," I said, washing my hands carefully in their big sink in the back and coming to stand by her at the metal monster. "I'm ready if you are," I said, feeling pretty intimidated by the whole process but willing to learn everything I could.

  "It's pretty simple, really," she said. "I learned it, so I'm sure you can. If you want to watch this batch, I'll talk us through it step by step."

  "Sounds good," I said, really meaning it. I could see myself waving to the folks outside and calling, Welcome to The Salty Dog. Best saltwater taffy on the Oregon Coast!

  They were low on three flavors, so Les let me pick which one to do, and I picked Lucky Lemon, my current favorite. I'd eaten so many of those, maybe I was the reason they needed more.

  It did look pretty easy, really. There was a recipe for the syrup, and I was good at following recipes from all the cooking Lila and I had been doing. The industrial size portions were a little shocking at first. Instead of one cup of sugar, five pounds of sugar.

  Getting the syrup at exactly the right temperature and consistency was a little tricky, because humidity and air temperature and barometric pressure and all sorts of things affect candy, so Les said you had to go with feel, experience, and intuition. "I'm an expert now," she said, "but I had a few disasters when we first started out."

  Kim, who had returned to the shop area, said, "Remember three strikes?"

  They both laughed.

  Les said, "I had to throw out three batches in a row. It was our first season and we were counting every penny. We both cried ourselves to sleep that night."

  I looked at Kim. "No," I said.

  "It's true," Kim said, nodding her head. "We did. I think we were scared, tired, and overwhelmed, and we both melted down at the same time."

  "Usually we take turns melting down," Les said, "which makes everything easier. Someone's always left standing to steer the ship."

  "We do okay," Kim said, smiling the sweetest smile at Les.

  I was struck with the sudden knowledge they were lovers. It hadn't entered my mind until I saw Kim's smile, and at that moment, I knew without a doubt. I felt very wise, worldly, and proud I'd noticed something so grown up
all by myself.

  I wondered if Lila knew. I felt almost dizzy with this grownup knowing, and I wondered if kids go around all the time missing stuff adults know. I knew it was the other way around of course, that kids knew lots of stuff adults didn't, like which girls in class pretended to be kind but were really sneaky and cruel.

  "When the taffy syrup is exactly right," said Les, "you open this valve and let it run into another part of the machine where it is cooled and stirred until it is right for pulling."

  Most of the process was automatic, but you had to pay attention at critical times and make sure the taffy didn't jump off the pull arms and stuff like that.

  "Think of it as watching six little kids on the playground," Les said, seeming to enjoy herself in the role of teacher. "Most of the time they're fine on their own, but everything can fall apart in a nanosecond."

  "I'd rather deal with this monster than six kids," I said, thinking of the times I had to look after all my little cousins at Grandma Betty's house.

  "Good girl," she said. "Spoken like a taffy maker."

  The two hours went very quickly, and the entire time I wasn't worried about my mom. I wanted to remember that learning something new helps take your mind off your troubles. It helps to be around relaxed, funny, loving people, too. It helps very much.

  I thanked Kim and Les and left their shop with some still warm Lucky Lemons. Life was sweet indeed.

  Lila was locking up her shop when I got there. She touched the base of the barber pole outside the door, the way she did every time she came and went, and this time I asked her why she did that.

  "It's my touchstone," she said. "In some cultures people have a small ceramic tile or figurine at the entrance to their home or business, and every time they come and go, they touch it and say a prayer to keep their place safe, prosperous, and holy. Ray's barber pole is my touchstone."

  I touched the pole in the same place, praying for safety and happiness, and then we turned and started walking home together. Usually she took her car, in case she needed it for errands, but she didn't need it today, so we took our time walking home through a misty rain.

  "Don't you look bright," she said, smiling at me. "What did you do?"

  "Les taught me to make taffy," I said. "I loved it, Grandma. I could be a candy maker if I wanted to. It's not that hard. I watched this whole batch." I held up the bag and offered her one of the still warm candies.

  She took a piece, sniffed it and smiled. "Lemon. Your favorite." She unwrapped the candy and put the whole piece in her mouth, and I followed her example. There's something about fresh taffy that makes conversation impossible and unnecessary. It consumed us.

  Chloe and Zoe met us at the door, and we all entered together. Just as we stepped inside, the phone rang. The sound of it paralyzed me, because I was afraid it was Janice with bad news, or worse yet, someone else with bad news about Janice.

  Lila put down her bag and answered the phone at her desk.

  When I found out it was my mother, I couldn't stand to listen. I went in the kitchen and started rummaging around for something to fix for dinner. We had everything we needed for shrimp salad with avocado dressing, one of Lila's favorites.

  I put all my attention on washing and drying the bib lettuce and cherry tomatoes and arranging them on two flat soup plates. The shrimp was the cooked frozen kind, so all I had to do was rinse it with cold water for a few minutes. I cut a fresh lemon into thin circles and arranged everything artistically on our plates and left them in the fridge to chill. I cut the perfectly ripe avocado and mashed it with sea salt and a little lemon juice and the tiniest bit of cayenne pepper. I scooped the dressing into custard cups and made a spot for them on our plates. I completed the menu with buttered sliced French bread and giant glasses of iced sun tea. By the time Lila got off the phone, I had set the table with fresh placemats, and everything was in place.

  "Cassandra," she said. "You are a blessing. I had no idea what to fix for dinner, but here you've prepared a gourmet feast for the eyes and spirit as well as for the body. Thank you."

  I bowed Namaste to her and she smiled a sad, tired smile before she sat down to enjoy the food. We held hands and silently blessed the food before we began all the fussing and chewing it takes to eat a big, fresh delicious salad with crunchy bread. We didn't talk about anything except how beautiful the ocean was and how perfect the food.

  It didn't take long to finish the dishes, and when we were done we sat on the living room couch to watch the sun sink toward the horizon. The cats joined us, for it was their favorite time to sit on Lila's lap and take their evening baths.

  I never realized cats were such clean animals. Chloe and Zoe were so healthy and clean they smelled like expensive perfume. I even asked Lila about it the first week I was with them, and she said, no, she never put anything on them. They naturally smelled delicious.

  I couldn't leave it alone any longer, so I said, "That was Janice on the phone."

  "Yes, it was your mother."

  "What does she want?"

  "I don't think she's allowed herself to ask that question, much less know the answer," Lila said.

  "What did she say then," I said.

  "She said a lot of things, but I'm afraid she was drunk or using some kind of drugs, so I don't think she knew what she was saying. I listened, but you can't talk to someone when she's drunk. It's a waste of time and only ends up in hurt feelings. I told her to call me in the morning after a good night's sleep."

  "What can we do, Grandma? I'm worried about her, I'm afraid she'll hurt herself, but I don't want to be around her. I feel safe here. I love it here. I want to live here with you."

  "I know you do, Cassandra. I would love for things to work out that way. You have no idea how much joy you bring me every day. Just seeing your beautiful face makes me very happy."

  "Then I can live with you?"

  "You know it's not that simple. Your mother has legal custody. She would have to really mess up to lose her rights, and then the state of California might decide you were better off in a foster home. Even though you are my beloved grandchild, I have no legal rights, and neither do you."

  "But why doesn't it matter what we want?"

  "That's a good question. You might want to study law and work for legal rights for children."

  "So what can we do?"

  "Pray. Be happy now. Enjoy every precious moment we have. Be impeccably honest and communicate clearly. I'm going to write your mother a letter letting her know what I want, how I feel, and what I think would be good for all of us. You might do the same. 'The pen is mightier than the sword.'"

  "I always read your holiday letters over and over," I said. "Maybe Janice would read our letters over and over."

  "That's possible, Cassandra."

  After that we sat and enjoyed the cats and the sunset. Zoe was on my lap, because halfway through her bath she decided Chloe was taking up too much space on Lila's lap.

  I could tell them apart now, and it was so obvious, I wondered why I couldn't see it the first time I met them. Zoe was more energetic, irritable, and skinny. She was a hyper cat, kind of like Marge compared to Curtis. Zoe was boss and Chloe was happy to follow her as long as it didn't take too much energy.

  "What was Grandpa like?" I asked Lila after the sun had sunk below the horizon. We sat bathed in a pinkish gray light, not wanting to disturb the cats enough to turn on lights in the living room.

  "Ray was born in 1910, and we're all a product of our times. He was a child during World War I, and his father died of influenza when Ray was eight. His mother struggled to raise five children by herself. Then when he was nineteen, the stock market crashed. Your grandfather was frugal and cautious all his life. He never trusted banks."

  "What did he do with his money, then?"

  "He paid cash for everything, and he accepted only cash at the barbershop. He liked money, though, and he was good with it. Whenever we saved a shoebox full, we bought a piece of land."

&n
bsp; "Grandma!" I said. "Not a shoebox!"

  "Yes, under the bed." She giggled as if it were naughty.

  "Yikes! What if somebody stole it?"

  "Then we would have started saving again. No one ever bothered us though, and we never locked our door at home. Things are different now."

  "You have to lock everything in Sacramento," I said. "One time someone robbed all the downstairs apartments in our building. It was in the middle of the night when people were sleeping, and all the thieves took were TVs, stereos, and microwave ovens. They probably opened a used appliance store."

  We laughed about that. It was finally so dark I got up and turned on the light over the piano and the one in the hallway near my bedroom door.

  "Anyway," Lila continued when I sat back down beside her, "your grandfather loved owning land. He believed waterfront properties were a good investment, so we bought lakefront properties in Coeur d'Alene, which in fact are very valuable now. That's why we don't have to worry about money. I have to figure out how to pay the property taxes every year, but that's nothing to complain about."

  "My mom always worries about money," I said. "She makes lots of tips, but she spends money faster than she makes it."

  "Your grandpa and I were lucky that way," Lila said. "We both liked saving money more than spending it. Plus we worked, so we didn't have time to spend our money. We had the shop open six days a week, sometimes ten hours a day. That doesn't leave time for spending sprees. We were lucky in so many ways."

  I thought about the one big way they weren't lucky. "Did David like to work?" I asked, thinking of the Memory Book pictures.

  "He was happy wherever he was. If he was at work, he enjoyed working. If he was at the lake water skiing, he liked that. If he was waiting for us in the shop, he enjoyed reading magazines, visiting with customers, sweeping hair, washing towels. He was happy all the time."

  "But why did he die then?"

  "He didn't have practice with adversity. His life had been easy right up until Terry left him. When he found himself in a really big mess, he had no confidence, no skill in solving big problems," Lila said.

  Then she shook her head and said, "There I go again trying to make sense of something I know nothing about. We are all so complicated and everything is in motion. I don't know why he died. But he did. And we lived. And we're here now together. That's the miracle. That's where I want to put my attention. The miracles."