by Kata Čuić
Maybe that’s the next clue.
I don’t even know what’s waiting for me as a prize when I complete this scavenger hunt.
I’m having too much fun reliving our glory days and remembering everything that brought us to this point to stop.
Tini and Mama intercept me at the door. We group hug and squeal like a bunch of little girls.
Mama eyes me up and down, studying me in a way only a mother can. “Well? How’s my baby?”
I can’t hide the smile on my face, nor do I try. “Good. Everything’s good.”
“I wish I could say the same,” she whispers conspiratorially. “Your YiaYia is putting up one hell of a fight to stay.”
“She wants to be in this house with all her memories of Papou,” I guess. As much as I hate to pull her away from something I also hold dear, she needs constant care. She can’t be left here alone. “Another few weeks, and we can give her all the incentive she needs to come to Sacramento.”
“What about me? Mama found a job in California, but I’m going to be left all alone.” Tini puts on her best pouty face. “I can’t come to Sacramento. Why didn’t Rob sign somewhere on the East Coast?”
Because California still feels a world away from Jackson, even if we don’t know where he is. After weeks of deliberating our options, Rob and I decided to stay put. Besides, Sacramento is gorgeous. The weather reminds me of Crete, which reminds Rob of the naked beach story. It’s a win-win.
“Hey, if you can convince your man to move West, we have plenty of room.” That’s no joke. Six bedrooms, four baths, and a privacy fence surrounding our acre of land. It’s everything an already large and growing family needs.
Tini scrunches her nose. “Xander isn’t a fan of West Coast mentality. I don’t think I can swing it.”
And, I don’t think that relationship will last a year, but I zip my lips. Stranger things have happened. I’m living proof.
I said I’d never be a football wife again, and yet here I am.
“I’m supposed to give you this.” Tini holds out another folded piece of paper.
Greedy woman that I am, I block out my mother and sister’s continued conversation to read my husband’s words.
In this living room,
I did something very wrong.
I let you betray the feelings
You’d kept inside for so long.
I never interrupted,
Never said a word.
But, you gave me freedom that day
Like releasing from a cage, a bird.
You gave me something
I didn’t know I’d lacked.
You gave me hope.
Now, I want to give it back.
“I’m going to leave you with someone else for this next one.” Byers puts the car in park in the lot beside the football practice fields, back at Ironville High. “But, I won’t be far. You’ll be safe. I promise.”
Before I can argue, the passenger side door opens and Alex smiles down at me, holding out his hand. “May I escort you, Mrs. Falls?”
His formal address takes me aback, but maybe that’s just exhaustion and apprehension setting in.
I know where this clue leads.
Somewhere I haven’t been in years.
“You’ve got this, Evie,” Alex reassures. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. I won’t let go.”
In his words are a deeper vow. One I’ve tried so hard to ignore, but can no longer overlook.
It wouldn’t be fair to any of us.
“You’ll let me go when it’s time?”
“When it’s time,” he promises.
Giving him my hand and letting him pull me out of the car seems like a feat in and of itself.
Until I’m staring at the head of the trail I once loved so much, every muscle in my body trembling with fear.
Fear I want so badly to let go of.
“He’s waiting for you,” Alex whispers, his lips brushing against the shell of my ear. “This is your choice.”
I choose love.
Hope.
Promise.
Before I take that first step, I turn to the man beside me. “I love you. Not in the way you need, but in the only way I can.”
Please, let this be enough.
I’ve never felt like enough to anyone but him, so he deserves to hear this from my own lips.
“I know.” He smiles that old, mischievous grin at me. The one that lets me know he’ll be okay. “Why do you think I’m here? I was chosen for this particular job. And, I’ll do it again when it’s time. If you’ll have me.”
He’s giving me away.
A choked-off sob holds my voice hostage. I nod, instead.
We take the first step together, silent.
Another, and then another.
One foot at a time, one step closer to leaving the past behind for a better future.
My mouth runs away with me, my feet not enough movement to keep my anxiety at bay.
He takes all my secrets in stride, never reacting more or less than required for my incessant words.
Silence overtakes us again, by his lead. The tension in his muscles, the hesitance in his steps are the only clues I have to where we’re approaching.
I still don’t remember.
We could traverse this entire trail from head to end, and I wouldn’t know.
That thought is both a curse and a comfort.
A clearing comes into view around the next bend, but it’s not the landscape that catches my eye.
It’s the man waiting for me.
He’s never seemed so simultaneously larger than life yet small in the grand scheme of the world.
Judging from his posture, he’s been waiting a while, fighting his own demons of this place alone.
Still, he offers me a smile.
Such a simple gesture and yet holding the hope of everything I’ve ever wanted.
True to his promise, Alex doesn’t relinquish his hold on me, even when we’re standing in front of Rob.
The men who have supported me through thick and thin give me time to look around, collect my thoughts, bury or reveal my emotions at my discretion.
Not a word is spoken between us, but I’m vaguely aware they’re doing that silent conversation thing they always used to.
Maybe reliving memories with each other that they can’t share with me.
This looks like any other part of the trail.
Innocuous, beautiful, deceptively serene.
Bird calls slice through the quiet. Leaves in the treetops rustle in the light spring breeze, creating their own brand of music. The scent of damp earth laced with honeysuckle tickles my nose. After six years, it still looks the same and yet…remarkably different.
The forest is always changing and growing, after all.
Heedless of any act which might have taken place here, nature continues on its own immeasurable cycle through time.
I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing for the last time for even the barest brush of a memory.
Was I terrified? Angry?
I must have been surprised. He ambushed me, after all.
How much pain was I in? Did I even feel it?
They say endorphins allow the body to withstand horrific trauma when the fight or flight response is engaged.
I know from the depositions and Rob’s description that I chose to fight.
Wait. No. That’s wrong.
I never had a choice.
Fighting was my only option.
I open my eyes to find them watching me with guarded expressions. Mike has since appeared.
They surround me on all sides, boxing me in from the unknown, waiting on my word.
“My whole life changed in this spot, but I can’t remember it happening. There’s only a before…and an after.”
Their eyes hold understanding. This place marks a schism for them, too.
Their ability to recall every moment in stark detail makes no difference.
This small speck on
the planet changed us all.
For better, for worse, forever.
Alex heaves a deep, crackling breath, heavy with a barely contained sob.
His emotion jars me, a shattered reflection of my own years of forcing myself to never associate what took place here with grief.
He leans in closer, holding me against his side, his words meant for me, alone. “I love you.”
He releases his hold.
As I look into his sharp blue eyes, I know it will be the only time he tells me.
The first, and the last.
And, it’s enough.
He nods—a single, decisive acceptance, then departs.
Mike wraps me in his strong arms next, pulling me against his chest in comfort older and stronger than his memories of this place. “We were family before this; we were after; we will be forever. Not by blood. By choice. Thank you for teaching me it’s okay to fall, to love someone else enough to let them stumble. Thank you for showing me how to not settle for average.”
We’ve already had this discussion, but hearing him say it so succinctly, with so much conviction gives me the sense we’ve finally thrown off our shared past. We’re done living in shadows, repeating the cycle of abuse, even if unintentionally.
“You’re welcome,” I whisper back. “Thank you for teaching me leaning on someone else isn’t a sign of weakness, but one of strength.”
“I will always be here for you to lean on.” He kisses my forehead, then leaves Rob and I alone.
The sound of retreating footsteps disappears. In the distance, Mike and Alex’s laughter signals a change on the wind.
Rob continues to study me, his expression unreadable. “You’re right about a before and an after. Originally, I planned on having you go on to the State campus, collecting clues and more notes there. And then New York, and then Sacramento. Because even the time we were apart means something. Then, I realized everything after this point didn’t really matter because this is where it all changed, just like you said.”
He holds out his hand, offering me a choice, even now.
I accept with a firm grip.
I’m never going to let go.
I pull him to me. He comes easily. We wrap around each other, tangling tighter than the creeping vines working their way up the tree trunks surrounding us.
Rob brushes his lips across my face, my neck, pulls my hands to his mouth and does the same. He’s not kissing, more like feeling me with one of the most sensitive parts of himself. “I spent too many years thinking of this place as damned. But, it really isn’t. It’s beautiful.”
We glance around us at the lush green foliage, the rocky, grown-over trail. A chipmunk darts out, then back into the underbrush. All around us life blossoms.
“We were married here, even though neither of us realized it. I certainly didn’t.” He lets out a breath. It’s the music of release, the resolving of so many chords coming together to form something greater. “One night, I was watching you sleep in our bed at home. I’d had a nightmare about that day, but somehow managed not to wake you up. You never flinched when I touched you. Breathed a sigh of contentment when I kissed you. And that’s when it hit me.”
I lift my gaze to his, but he’s still looking all around us in wonder. “What did?”
He pins me with his chameleon eyes I fell in love with at first sight, even if I refused to admit that to myself. “What happened here changed us, yes. But, it also cemented us. Until the split second I thought you’d been ripped from me, I took you for granted. All the notes I gave you today prove that. I always thought there would be another time, another place, another chance. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of waiting for everything to fall into place, to be perfect enough. Even when you were with Eddie, I bided my time, waiting it out. After what happened here, though…”
He fixes his gaze on a path I can’t possibly follow.
While he’s no longer afraid to share them with me, his memories of this place will always be his and his alone.
We may be a united team, but we’re still individual players.
Rob refocuses his attention on me. “Even when I thought I could bring you nothing but pain, I was acutely aware you were an irrevocable part of my life from that day forward. Jackson showed me you were irreplaceable.” A wry smile twists his lips. “And then you proved it time and time again. You made me prove it to myself.”
I flinch at his innuendo. He’s always given me a choice, and yet I forced him to do something he never wanted.
“Don’t second guess it ever again, Evie.” He caresses my lips with his own. “I don’t regret a second of it. Not anymore. Everything we’ve been through has brought us to this moment. Force isn’t always a bad thing. Every ounce of pain forced us to choose.”
My eyes fill with tears I don’t try to hold back.
This man has been my greatest teacher in so many ways I never appreciated until now.
I’m still learning new things.
Rob drops to one knee and produces a black, velvet box from his pocket. He flips open the lid. Nestled inside is an antique ring…with a blue stone that matches the shade of my eyes.
“I will choose you every day for the rest of my life. Not out of obligation, or a sense of duty, or even because I love you more than life itself. I will choose you because I want to. I know you said you didn’t need another proposal because we’re already married. So, I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m asking you to choose me. Again, and again, and again. Say yes, every day. Marry me, every day. Be my wife, every day.”
Love so sharp it borders on pain rushes through me. This all-encompassing feeling is nothing I could have ever imagined in my youth. It’s more than a crush, tastes sweeter than lust, produces more bliss than sex ever could.
I drop to the ground with him.
Equals. Always.
“Yes,” I choke out. “Every day. Until the end.”
I love him too much to make promises we can’t keep.
He slides the ring on my finger, then wraps me in his arms, his lips tickling mine as he speaks.
“Never the end. Always a new beginning.”
The noise is deafening. I’m so tempted to kick everyone out for a little peace and quiet.
Every time I’m tempted to do just that, I take one look at my son, not bothered at all in the middle of a throng of his enthralled subjects, and think better of it.
The masses would riot.
I’m completely outnumbered, but not at all any less spellbound.
Even Alex has a stupid grin on his face beside me. “I can’t believe you’re a dad.”
“That makes two of us.”
The day I proposed to Evie for the second time, she told me she would choose me “until the end.”
I shook it off, attributed it to the ghosts of the place where we made love, changing it into something new and better.
On our wedding day, she gave me the present of a lifetime.
She told me I was going to be a father as we shared our first dance at the reception.
Evie kissed my lips, then renewed the promise she made on the side of that old trail.
I had no idea why she was clinging to that particular phrase.
Not until labor took a turn for the worse.
The first time she promised me until the end, she had already been labeled a high-risk pregnancy. The second time, her specialists were gearing up to do battle.
The third time, they were wheeling her out of the delivery room, on a path to the OR, in an attempt to stop the bleeding.
“Until the end,” she whispered, life fading from her eyes faster than I could keep up. “Take care of Robbie.”
In my shock, all I could think was we hadn’t ever decided on a name. “Robbie?”
“Robert Gary Falls. So, he’ll always have a reminder to choose to be a better man, like his father.”
She was ripped away from me for a second time.
The nurses placed our son in my arms, still covered i
n his mother’s blood.
Even though it was the middle of the season, our entire family descended on the scene. Alex and Mike blew off games, fulfilling the promises they’d made the day Evie already knew this would happen.
I don’t remember the first time I sat in a hospital waiting room, with the same people all around me.
I will never forget the last.
“Hey,” Alex shakes my shoulder. “You all right, bro?”
“Yeah.” I grip the edge of the kitchen island, willing myself calm. This isn’t the time or place to have a mental breakdown.
Evie would be so proud.
“I haven’t had a lot of sleep. I think it’s all starting to catch up to me.”
Alex takes a sip of his beer, his always intelligent eyes surveying the chaotic, happy scene in the living room. “You’ve seen more blood than any man should ever have to. If you need a break, take it. I got this.”
I have never appreciated my brother as much as I do in this moment. “You sure?”
He shrugs. “I’m gonna have to learn how pretty damn fast, now, aren’t I?”
I shouldn’t poke the bear, but I can’t resist. Laughing for a change feels too good. “Yeah, you are. How long until I can spill? The wait is killing me.”
He glares at me. “You know she’s going to freak the fuck out. At least wait a few more weeks.”
In a burst of what can only be excused as sleep-deprived lunacy, I grab his face in my hands and plant a sloppy kiss on his cheeks. “You’re the man, Alex Fossoway. Don’t wake me for at least two hours.”
Mike lumbers into the kitchen, an expression of both disgust and concern etched into his face. “You’re leaving him in charge?”
“He needs the practice.”
We both laugh as Alex flips us the bird.
“I’m the uncle,” Mike argues after he catches his breath. “I should get to be in charge.”
At this point, I don’t really care who’s in charge, as long as they’ll cover for me for a few hours. They can both practice.
I have no worries my son will be in good hands with these men.
They’re some of the best guys I know.
“You’ll have to fight The Moms for diaper duty. For some reason, they seem to enjoy it. He’ll be ready to eat in about a half hour. Don’t microwave the bottle, warm it up in a pan of boiling water. Test the temperature by squirting some milk onto the inside of your wrist to make sure it’s not too hot.”
