“Where are you goin’?” he asks, grabbing me before I can escape.
“I don’t know,” I admit unable to meet his gaze. “Anywhere but here.”
Immediately, Lawson’s face drops, his eyes fill with remorse and I can see that he never realized that while he pines for Eden, I feel the hurt.
“Lawson,” I start, braving the moment. “I’m not going to stand here and be privy to this … any of it,” I say, waving toward the retreating figure of Eden. “I’m not about to make myself that girl.”
“What girl?” he asks, his fingers loosening their grip on my wrist.
“The girl that chases the guy she has zero hope with,” I tell him and pull myself free of him. “I’ve never been her, and I’m not about to make myself her.”
“Ashley,” he breathes my name effortlessly, stepping closer but knows not to touch me.
“You love her, don’t you?” I ask him, my voice catching around the lump forming in my throat. “I heard the rumors, but seeing it is something totally different.”
“I never got closure,” he admits, without answering. “She left, and I was left with the same emotions she pulled from me daily. I struggled to move on, and I thought I had.”
“Until she came back,” I add on, showing I’m more than away of how he feels.
He brings a hand up to rub the back of his neck as he stands a guilty man.
“I could say I’m sorry that I still love her, but I can’t be and I won’t be.” His admittance catches me by surprise although the saner part of me buried deep knew it was coming. “I have loved Eden for years ... decades even.”
“That’s fine,” I say, unable to form any other words. “I want to go back to the loft … I think I’m done with Mardi Gras.”
That was my understatement of the century. I thought Mardi Gras would be my birth into this world, open the door for me to step graciously into some new chapter in my life, but it ended with a death threat and me looking in on a love story I’m only set to burn alive in.
“Okay,” he agrees, putting his hand out to allow me to lead the back to the pub. “Let’s go.”
We walk along in deafening silence, maneuvering through the crowds as they continue their evening until he turns into a silent alley just before O’Reilly’s that leads us away from the festivities.
This is not us going back to the loft.
“I know this has to be hard and confusin’ and I know you’re going to be angry,” he starts, hands pushing harder into the pockets of his jacket. “But she’ll be gone. She says she’s not going, but she will. When the pressure gets too much, she’ll flee.”
“And how can you be so sure?” I ask dryly, putting my hands on my hips.
“Because she’s done it before,” he admits solemnly. “And because I know Eden Roberts better than I know myself.”
The cold hard truth of what I’m dealing with yet again hits me. They have a past, Lawson and I have a contract. There’s no chance I can win this when they have a history that seems to set the city on fire.
“And that orchid?” I ask, giving him a wryly look.
“She’s playin’ games,” he states casually. “If you show she’s not winning she’ll get bored. If you fear her, she’ll play harder. If you don’t, she’ll leave.”
He doesn’t know that. He can’t be sure of her motives. I heard the guys discussing with Eden’s brother how she had changed. She had a new edge about her that was colder and far more vindictive than they had ever seen from her.
Lawson thinks he knows what he’s dealing with, but I don’t think he could prepare himself.
“I know Eden,” he says so matter of fact as he tries to calm me. “I know how her game works.”
I ponder the moment. Everyone knows Lawson; everyone seemingly knows Eden, but what about me? I’m a part of this, made more so by Eden’s little present to me in the crowds earlier this evening.
“The issue is, Lawson, you don’t know how I work,” I tell him, offering him some insight. “You may know how to kill men, and you may know who your father watches, but I’m the one that blind sided you all because you never saw me coming.”
I watch him toy with the idea, ponder it for a few seconds.
“I guess I have the upper hand for once,” I announce, sounding pleased with myself for the thought.
“Somethin’ you’ve never had,” he replies, softly. He steps closer, his hand coming up to my cheek but I move ever so slightly. “Ashley.”
“What about us?” I ask, treading onto the thin ice. “I know we barely know each other, but I can’t just switch off what’s been happening between us.”
“I can’t either,” he admits. “You made me feel somethin’ for the first time in a long time, Ashley, but I’m not worthy of you.”
“How do you know that?” I push, finally bridging the gap between us by toying with his collar. “We know nothing about one another.” Slowly, my eyes trailing his body, moving across the creases in his top, taking in his collar bone, the bulge of his Adam’s apple, until I halt breathing at his strong jawline, his kissable lips. I don’t breathe again until my eyes meet his. “We stand no chance.”
“You don’t know that,” he grazes over the matter. “These feelings have to come from somewhere.”
I try to calm the racing of my heart, fighting in vain against the rush of adrenaline being close to him causes. He’s a worthy man to get lost with. I don’t know how I know, but I do know he’s worth the risk. But the seed of doubt is nestled too deep for me to ignore.
“Am I going to be an issue?” I ask, meeting his eyes with uncertainty. “Or is she going to be the issue?”
He debates the point, chewing the inside of his mouth thoughtfully as he does so. Then, as if all is forgotten, he exhales deeply and allows his shoulders to sag as he holds my gaze strongly.
“Honestly?” he asks, and I nod. “I don’t know. She is as much a part of this city and The Firm as I am.”
“I know,” I sigh, biting my lip.
“But for you … who’s going to be the bigger problem?”
I hate myself for even asking because the answer will never favor me.
“I don’t know,” he repeats his early affliction. “I have the issue that on the one hand I know Eden and know what she can do to get her way … and on the other, I have no clue about you, Ashley Johnson. You blindsided me once; I have no concern that you’ll do it again.”
“And I’ll keep doin’ it,” I say, giving him that vow. “That’s a promise.”
“Keep it,” he says, hopefulness accompanying his words. “There are a lot of things you can be in the city, a lot that will make people deem you weak, but being a hopeless optimist never killed a man.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, doubtful. “Being a hopeless anything doesn’t seem like a good trait to have.”
Lawson emits a shallow laugh. “This life expects you to be strong, disciplined, ruthless. No one ever taught the rule that being an optimist and having faith paves their way forward, too.” A softer nature comes to the surface of Lawson’s exterior. “I’ve lived a long life being what my father wanted me to be, but I’ve lived even longer rebellin’ against that without him even having an idea.”
In the eerie silence of the alley, I find myself at ease for the first time since this all began, and I know I shouldn’t feel anything like that with my current predicament. But standing here, with Lawson, I finally feel like I have a place and it’s not being questioned at every turn.
“I have no idea where my life is going,” he admits, and as I draw away from my reverie, I acknowledge the shame settling over him. “I’ve never really known where my life is going and I usually just go with whatever without causin’ ripples or rockin’ boats.” He goes quiet for a moment, looking decisive about his next move, but the moment his eyes captivate mine, the world around us disappears. “Until you. You made me want to try again … forced me to see beyond where I was with my life.”
While
my heart soars, the tiny voice of doubt in the back of my head reminds me of the vicious blond I’ve gotten on the wrong side of.
“You just have to realize that I can’t just switch off everything I feel. I have to work away from it. I have to live beyond it,” he continues, speaking over my little demons. “You gave me hope, Ashley. For the first time in a long while, I finally think I can heal.”
I’m stunned into silence. This is the sort of thing I imagined before my life fell from its axis and became some twisted nightmare. I always wondered about the guy who would stop his world for me, see me as an importance to his survival and want me.
To be honest, I never saw Lawson Matthews being that man.
Hell, I forgot about that dream until tonight.
“I’m done with tonight … let’s go home,” he says, shocking himself at his turn of phrase. I gasp, but he doesn’t change what he says, just grabs my hand. “Let’s go.”
We make it back to the loft and take an easy ride up only to find an empty apartment. While he dropped a text to Liam, Lawson didn’t go back into O’Reilly’s. Instead, he abandoned every one of his men and hailed us a cab.
We didn’t speak much on the drive over, but he kept his hand on mine, and he didn’t let it go.
As we walk through, heading for our bedrooms, Lawson’s cell makes a noise. Pulling it from his pocket, he looks at his phone; a worry strikes its way across his face. I remain where I am, running a hand up my arm, trying to rid myself of the nervous energy filling me.
“Everything okay?” I ask, apparently kicking him from his haze.
“Fuck it,” he grinds out, tossing the phone aside and looks at me with unbidden desire. “Ashley,” he says my name, coming over to me. “Ashley,” he breathes, his hands framing my face strongly. “I do a lot of things to please a lot of men. I also do a lot of things to stop men talkin’ about me.” He draws closer, his lips nearing mine, my nerves tingling with anticipation. “Tonight, I’m only going to please myself.”
I shake my head, shaking him away.
“What changed?” I ask, doubting his motive. “Don’t make me something to prove a point.”
“You’re not to prove a point,” he argues, even going for his cell phone. “I’m just through with playin’ by the rules all the time.”
He unlocks his phone, passing it to me with ease and I stare at a message his father’s message.
I heard you’re making advances. That was not the plan. She isn’t yours to play with.
“I’m so sick of havin’ my life planned for me.” His jaw twitches with his anger. “I don’t want anyone plannin’ my fucking life but me.”
“So, what are you going to do to change that?” I ask, swallowing hard.
His eyes trail my body until I’m met with this lustful gaze. “You,” he states, his tone low and dangerous and my body reacts. “I’m going to do you.”
He pushes me against the wall, kissing me so hungrily I become consumed. We move perfectly, kissing one another with a carnal need. I can’t stop myself from moaning with pleasure against his mouth, and I don’t resist when he moves us, forcing us down the corridor toward his bedroom. He plays with the hem of my shirt before tearing it away from my body, leaving me in my jeans and bra. I do the same, pushing his top up and away from his perfectly sculpted body. He leaves me to give himself a chance to remove his shirt entirely, discarding of it on the floor.
I stall the moment; his hands rested on my ribcage, mine on his shoulders.
“You’re not going to regret doing this?” I ask, trying to make him see sense.
“Not as much as I’ll regret not doing this,” he replies, his fingers curling around the natural contour of my body. “I’m done playin’ by the rules.”
That’s all I need to hear to resume where we are. He pushes us both in his room, picking me up with firm hands on my ass and carries me to the bed. He lays me down, my body pressing into the mattress as he climbs on top of me, his body settling perfectly across mine.
We kiss while his hands carry on over my body, his fingertips leaving traces all over me. My body instantly reacts to Lawson, coming alive with the most basic of touches. I’m lost so instantly in him, and I fear I’ll never find my way out unscathed.
But the fear isn’t enough to run, not even when his fingers curl around the waistband of my jeans.
“You’re beautiful,” he tells me, pulling my jeans from my hips, dragging my panties with it. “So fucking beautiful.”
He kisses my hip bone, still pulling my clothes down over my legs, freeing me of them. Once he takes them off, he tosses them aside, only to go for his belt buckle. He loses his jeans, kicking them away along with his socks.
I give myself a moment to brave looking at what I’ve been dreaming about every time he’s gotten close to me today. With my lip pulled between my lip, I find myself staring at his erect cock, and I feel myself become wetter just at the thought of having him fill me with his entire length.
And as he falls back to me, held up by his hands either side me, his cock brushing against my thigh, his lips igniting my skin, I know I’m gone. I’m passed the point of saving.
I’ve been with many men, but none – not a single one – has made me feel this way. I’ve never felt myself come so undone at the hands of a man in this way. I’ve lost pieces of myself to monsters, but never found pieces with one. Lawson vowed he was a monster, I saw the blood on his hands, but right now, he’s the man I want.
But the thought of those men who only wanted to ruin me comes forth, and I hesitate.
Lawson notices and pulls away, his eyes filled with concern.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, but I don’t reply. Suddenly his eyes soften, and he lifts himself up until he hovers right over me, keeping the lust. “I promise never to treat you how those men did before me,” he vows, brushing his lips across my jaw. “I’ll never use your body. I’ll never force you to fuck me.” He lowers his lips down, kissing my collar bone. “I promise only ever to do what I know you want.”
“It’s okay,” I say, breathlessly. “I trust you.” The words come with a smile and ease. “I trust you, Lawson.”
He grins, lifting his hand to move some hair off my shoulder. “God, you’re so beautiful.”
“So, you said,” I mutter, trying to be sensual. “When you were delaying.”
I hear him chuckling and he leans in to capture my lips, showing me how wrong I was to say that.
He penetrates me hard, his fingers digging into my flesh, and I gasp as I feel him inside me. He pushes himself in further, and my eyes roll back in delight. I know he’s doing this to prove that he wasn’t delaying anything and the element of surprise makes this moment more than anything I had imagined.
“Delayin’, huh?” he asks, remaining deep in me.
Another little chuckle and he withdraws, leaving me empty before he pushes his way back into me, forcing my back to arch as he hits the right spot. Slowly, he picks up his pace, shadowing my body with his as he finds his rhythm. He pounds into me knowing I’m enjoying this and loving the way my body builds toward an orgasm. Each push he gives, my body is more accepting of his size, and I find more pleasure the faster he becomes.
I can’t stop myself from quickly falling into the abyss. I’ve never had a man make love to me like this and I can’t stop myself. As I explode, clenching around his shaft, my nails dig into his back, I let out a gasp, finding myself unable to hold on anymore and allow the orgasm to rip through me with every bit of power it has.
“Fuck,” I say, my nails digging in more as they glide down his back. “Fuck.”
“Ashley,” he whispers, and I feel his body jerk as he comes, His body stiffens as he finally gives into his orgasm. “Ash-ley,” he grunts.
I open my eyes, finding him watching me as his orgasm ends.
He doesn’t withdraw. Instead, he lowers himself, his lips kissing my stomach until he’s reaching up and lazily dotting kisses up the valley of my breasts. H
e shifts his hands, steadying himself either side of me as he forces my legs up in the air, still full of his cock.
“Again?” he asks, a wickedness now unleashed.
“Again,” I say, biting my lip.
He needs no more telling. He leaves me, finally withdrawing his entire length, standing up straight on his knees. He grabs me by the hips, dragging me toward his wanting body. I feel his cock nestle by my entrance and I brace myself with waiting eagerness. The moment I feel his tip entering me my lungs stop inhaling and I brace myself for the feeling of utter fulfillment.
“You know what I feel like,” he mutters, joking with me as he towers over me, balls deep. “Don’t act so coy.”
I grin at him as he slowly retracts and I know what he’s doing – he’s playing my body. He’s building the urge to just fall into ecstasy, and he’s making my body beg for it. It’s impossible to know how he knows me so well, but he grins wider when he watches my face as he pushes back in. This time, when he’s all in, I feel the tip of his finger brush my clit, and my entire body wants to fall from this moment and straight into heaven.
“Na uh,” he says, stroking it again. “Not so quick,” he says, pushing down and rubbing my clit. “I want you to feel everythin’.”
It’s too late for that pep talk. My body is alive, craving him to fuck me hard and fuck me fast.
“Lawson,” I barely manage, and he rubs up and then down. “Fuck.”
He’s going to kill me, but what a devilish way to go.
I tell myself not to fall, to obey his wishes but the more he strokes and the more he pushes, the harder it becomes to control what my body wants.
“Go on,” he ushers, finally allowing me.
This time, when I fall from grace, I feel it rip through me, tearing me apart with absolute bliss. I feel his fingers dig into my skin all over again, but the pain is beautiful coursing more pleasure onto me than I ever thought humanly possible.
He doesn’t slow while I clench manically around him. “Thank you,” he says while I continue to ride out on my orgasm. “Thank you so much, Ashley.”
I wake and lay for a moment in heaven.
Sweet Venom (Crazy in Love #1) Page 19
