Unforgiving

by Patricia Haley

  “I’m sorry to make you late, but I really need your advice.”

  “Don’t you worry about me. Missing a few minutes of the Sunday service ain’t going to put my relationship with God at risk. Me and Him on real good terms,” she said, laughing and crossing her fingers on both hands.

  He longed to have an ounce of her faith, the kind that didn’t waver. He longed to be able to trust God in both the good and the bad times. Joel couldn’t help but to think about how solid his relationship with God had been. In those days Joel hadn’t worried about tomorrow, because he’d relied on God to direct him when he was making big and little decisions. Once he began relying less on the Lord and more on his own abilities, Joel’s world slowly fell apart. His shook off despair. The past was at rest. This was a new day. Change was in the air.

  He realized it wasn’t necessary to drag out the conversation. He boldly explained his situation, eager to get help. “My wife had a miscarriage on Friday.”

  “Oh my. Did you come for me to pray with you?”

  “Not exactly. I came for direction.”

  “Well, you know I’m not a judge or a counselor. Like I’ve told you many times before, my leading comes from the Lord. I can give you only what He gives me—when He gives it.”

  Joel had heard her say that before, but if there was only a slight possibility of a word coming through with his name on it, he would be grateful. He didn’t care if her message was labeled a word, advice, insight, inspiration, or whatever.

  “I’ve been praying, but God hasn’t answered me. You know my wife is foreign,” he explained.

  Mother Walker nodded.

  “And she is not a Christian.”

  She nodded again.

  “We were going to divorce a few months ago, until we found out she was pregnant. I decided to stay and raise the baby with her, even though we couldn’t agree on whether the child was going to be baptized in my faith or presented in the temple to her gods.” Joel spoke quickly to avoid losing the church mother’s attention. When Joel realized she was captivated, he maximized their time together. He kept talking. “I’m in a mess and don’t know how to get out of it. I want to honor my vows, because marriage is sacred. I get it.” Mother Walker didn’t interrupt. He continued. “But how can I stay with her and be right before God?”

  Joel believed his shot at the CEO post was in jeopardy and outside of God’s will until he cleaned up his act. Nah, this has to end, he thought. He went on. “I feel badly about divorcing Zarah now that she’s lost the baby, but how can we stay together, with our beliefs being so dramatically different? I have to get myself right before God, and staying with my wife isn’t going to get me there.” His gaze dipped momentarily. “I hate to say this. Maybe the miscarriage was a blessing. No baby, no marriage. What do you think?”

  “About what?”

  Hadn’t she heard him pour out the details of his predicament? Hadn’t she been listening? Didn’t she understand how dire this situation was?

  “What do you think God wants me to do about my awkward marriage?” he asked.

  “Why are you asking God what to do? Did He marry you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “When you got married, was the marriage blessed by her gods or your God?”

  Good question. “I don’t know. I guess I never thought about it. We got married in her tradition.”

  “Did you pray and ask the Lord to cover your marriage?”

  “No, we didn’t.”

  “Then, I ask you again, why are you asking God about a marriage that He wasn’t included in?”

  She definitely had Joel thinking. “But even if I didn’t pray for Him to bless my marriage, I have to treat it like any other marriage before God, right?”

  “There are all kinds of marriages and unions around the world. Do you think God approves of them all? Just ’cause you got married doesn’t mean you were married before your God. The papers say you’re legally married, but what about spiritually? That piece counts in the church.”

  Joel was perplexed. “Are you saying that my marriage isn’t a legitimate Christian marriage because we exchanged vows before her gods in a temple?”

  “God has a mate for us. If we choose to marry somebody else, then God can bless it because of His faithfulness. Now I can tell you, even when you’re with the person God intended, times can get hard,” she said, shaking her index finger at him. “You got to expect to have a tougher row to hoe when you pick somebody outside God’s anointing.”

  Joel didn’t understand everything she was saying. If history was any indication, Mother Walker’s words would make sense in a few days. “I still don’t know what to do. Does God expect me to honor the marriage regardless, or am I to make a clean slate and let her go?”

  “Are you equally yoked, serving the same God and hearing the same voice?”

  Joel shook his head no.

  “A wagon can’t have two drivers. One wants to steer the mule this way with his faith, and the other another way. Down the road that wagon gone crash or rip clean in two.”

  “So, just make it plain for me to understand. What should I do about the marriage?” With every passing minute Joel’s anxiety level rose, because he knew Mother Walker would be going inside the sanctuary at any moment and might not be able to finish his counseling session.

  “Young man, if you want God in the marriage, you have to invite Him. He has to be the only God in your house.”

  Joel winced.

  “But don’t you worry none. Know that He is merciful. No matter how you done got yourself into a situation and found yourself drowning, our God is able to get you to dry land. He can cover your household, but you got to put Him in charge. He’s not sharing the throne with no other gods. You gone have to decide who the spiritual head of your house is. Do you hear me?”

  “Yes.”

  Joel’s mind was buzzing, but she made sense, more than he’d heard anyone make in a very long time. The two chatted a bit longer before entering the sanctuary. Joel was finally getting the answers he wanted. More importantly, he was keen on spending meaningful time with God. Relying on his own limited wisdom had clearly caused him to fall short many times, and he’d learned that wasn’t the way to go. Joel felt good getting back to his roots and being able to rely on a source that was greater, wiser, and more powerful than his limited strength.

  Chapter 36

  Tamara had no place to go on a Sunday morning. Church definitely wasn’t for her. God had permeated their household through her father when she was growing up. When he left and married Sherry, God went too. Madeline hadn’t pressured her kids to seek religion. As a matter of fact, Madeline had seemed to loathe the concept of relying on an invisible being for guidance and assistance. It was the one area in which Tamara and her mother agreed. If God existed, He obviously didn’t have her on His “like” list.

  During her late teens, she had dwelled on the distress resulting from her parents constantly arguing and then divorcing, followed by getting raped, and finally her older brother’s suicide. She’d felt forced to flee Detroit for her sanity. A pile of bad luck was what she saw when she gazed over her life. After she had suffered more than her share, now, fifteen years later, her mother and brother were kicking her aside to let Joel have what rightfully belonged to her. Somewhere along the way, a God that cared about her would have stepped in to save her from at least one of her devastating tragedies. He hadn’t, which was why she wasn’t stuck on praying to something or someone who didn’t care about what happened to her.

  Morning slipped away, and the afternoon rolled in. Tamara wanted to see Zarah. But the thought of running into Joel again at the hospital kept her away. She might have to wait until Zarah went home. Then Tamara could sneak in for a visit when Joel left the house for a few hours. The walls of her studio apartment were closing in. Normally, the small space gave her solace. She could see every inch of the room in one swoop, which allowed her to sleep soundly. On this rare occasion, the limi
ted space was depressing. Tamara was reminded of how alone she was in the world and gloom overtook her. She grabbed her tiny purse and scurried from the apartment. She’d go for a walk and probably end up taking a bus ride to her favorite coffee shop downtown.

  When Tamara emerged from the building, the filtered sunlight warmed her face, and she felt better. Her phone rang, and she quickly plucked it from her pocket. She didn’t recognize the number but figured it was Zarah calling from the hospital. She was excited to answer.

  “Zarah . . .”

  Nobody responded.

  “Zarah, is this you?”

  “It’s me, darling. Remo.”

  Tamara halted when she heard the Italian accent. She felt a burst of adrenaline, and her heart raced so fast. It felt like her chest was going to explode. “How did you get this number?” She wobbled on her feet and found the nearest bus bench to gather herself.

  “I told you that you will never be far from me. We belong together. You are my love,” he said rattling off the Italian translation. “Ti amo.”

  Tamara couldn’t figure out what to do. Remo had chased her from a remote town in England earlier in the year. Madeline had stepped in and gotten Uncle Frank to handle the problem. Her uncle hadn’t provided any guarantees, but Tamara had hoped their solution was extreme and permanent. Given Uncle Frank’s track record of pushing the legal limits when it came to handling a problem, she had good reason to feel pretty safe. Apparently her assumption was wrong as the sound of Remo’s voice rang in her ears.

  The grip of fear was so tight that she couldn’t think properly.

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m very close to you, darling.”

  It was hard for her to believe that this was a man who had once held her heart so delicately that she’d found happiness. His melodious voice used to usher her into a tranquil place filled with love and safety. After his doting attention transformed into malicious control, she had run from Italy to Scotland, to Spain, to the South of France, and to England. She had also spent a few months in Dublin but couldn’t remember where it fit on her list of moves. After Remo found her in England, she’d fled to Detroit because it was the last city he’d expect her to be, given her family history.

  She tensed, terrified that he was within arm’s reach. Tamara had to find out how much time she had. “When can I see you?” she asked.

  “Tomorrow I shall be with you.”

  There was a slim possibility he was being honest. Remo might be even closer than he was admitting. She couldn’t take a chance. Recalling her routine in the past, Tamara realized she had to take action. Running was no longer a choice; it was a requirement if she wanted to stay alive. She ran to her apartment building and climbed the stairs two at a time. She snatched the key from her purse and fumbled to get the door open. She didn’t have a second to waste. She grabbed several items of clothing.

  Tamara was angry for letting her guard down. For years she’d run from Madeline and her mother’s band of private detectives. Generally, she’d been able to outrun them and Remo too. During her time in Detroit, she had relaxed and had settled into a fictitious life of comfort and safety. But because of her lapse in judgment, she was now in extreme danger and couldn’t abandon her apartment quickly enough. She was frazzled as she searched intensely for her passport and other important papers.

  Terror began to get the best of Tamara, and she forced her legs to move, instead of standing there, paralyzed. Every sound in the apartment was magnified. She was tired of running, but nothing else had worked. Tamara was tempted to call Madeline but decided there wasn’t time. She was getting out of there and getting back to the world of obscurity and being alone. It was the world she knew and belonged in.

  Chapter 37

  Joel had gotten exactly what he’d sought—wisdom. Big Mama hadn’t laid his steps out as clearly as one, two, three, but she’d given him sufficient advice to get him inspired and moving in the right direction. He understood that she wasn’t God. However, her lines of communication with Him were intact, while Joel’s were undergoing repairs. He rested in the belief that there was a reason that God had placed Mother Walker in his life several years ago. God knew Joel would need someone to lead him back to the Lord after he strayed away from his faith. His spirit leapt for joy as he drove out of the church’s parking lot. What had seemed dire two and a half hours ago was now manageable. He felt lighter than ever.

  Joel cruised along I-75 and merged onto the Jeffries Freeway. The hospital was calling him, and he responded. When he got there, instead of parking in the garage, Joel maneuvered his vehicle to the valet in front of the hospital. When he was at home, typically, he’d sit in his car for ten to fifteen minutes before going inside. He used the solitude to ponder and prepare for his duty as a supportive husband. Some occasions were easier than others in terms of honoring his role. Not today. He hopped from the Range Rover, drenched in vitality.

  Not all his questions had been answered, but he had clarity. Faith was a belief in the unknown. He didn’t know how God would work out his relationship with Zarah, but Joel was confident that the Lord was able. Joel just had to figure out what he wanted first. He acknowledged that his indecisiveness wasn’t helping. He had to make a decision about going or staying, but knowing he wasn’t alone in this mess worked for him. Joel entered the lobby and didn’t stop until he was standing in front of his wife. She was alone and was staring out the window from her bed across the room.

  “Good. You’re awake,” he said, going to her side and pulling up a chair. He couldn’t contain his desire to grin. “How are you feeling?”

  “Not very well.”

  “Why not? Are you in pain?” he asked, drawing closer to the bed and taking her hand. She turned her head to the side, away from him. He reached for her chin and gently turned it in his direction. He wasn’t letting her retreat before they dealt with the issue at hand. “Are you hurting?”

  “Not in my body. Only in my heart,” she said, choked up.

  Joel didn’t rush her. He was willing to let Zarah sort through her feelings and speak when she was ready.

  “I am sad that our marriage will soon be over, but I won’t return to Jaipur,” she mumbled. “I cannot go there without a husband or a child. I will be a mark of great shame to my family.” A failed marriage was too much for her to bear. She became increasingly upset as she continued to talk, and Joel tried to calm her with his words and touch.

  He let his emotions get the best of him. “Zarah, don’t worry about the marriage. I’m not leaving you.”

  “But the baby is gone. You don’t have to stay with me. I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

  “I married you of my own free will. You didn’t twist my arm. Your father asked me to marry you, but he didn’t twist my arm, either. At the end of the day, it was my choice.” Joel placed his hand on his chest.

  Admittedly, she wasn’t the woman he would have picked on his own. He was drawn to feisty, independent women who had a bold streak in them. That wasn’t Zarah, although her grace, devotion, and beauty were undeniable. Surprisingly, though, he’d seen hints of boldness in her when she was planning to take over Harmonious Energy last month. He liked that side of Zarah and had found himself attracted to her on several occasions. In a strange way, he had to credit Tamara for Zarah’s temporary transformation. She was the one who’d encouraged Zarah to become more independent. He wasn’t happy with Tamara’s tactics, but watching Zarah shed her passive disposition was a plus. Kudos to his sister, but he’d never tell her that. Too much Tamara wasn’t a good thing.

  Joel directed his attention back to Zarah, who was peering at him closely. “I want to do right by you. The fact that we lost the baby doesn’t change my commitment. I married you, and I’m honoring my vows.”

  Zarah was stunned and didn’t know what to say.

  “But our marriage has to be set in order for me to stay,” Joel told her.

  “I don’t understand.”

  �
��I realize that your religion is important to you, but we can’t have a house divided.”

  She still wasn’t understanding but didn’t interrupt. She hoped his words would get clearer the more he spoke. She listened intently, as her future hung on his every word.

  “I will support your career aspirations and will actually help you do whatever it is you want to do professionally,” he said.

  That she understood, and she was pleased.

  He continued. “I think we can make a dynamic team in the corporate arena. Maybe we could even start a company together.”

  Zarah was overwhelmed. Joel had never shown this much passion and interest in her. She lapped up his kindness like a thirsty pup, craving more and more, unable to quench her thirst.

  “However, in order for our marriage to work, we have to be on one accord.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We have to serve the same God, sell Harmonious Energy, and get married in the church with the blessings of my God, the one of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”

  Zarah wasn’t prepared to respond. Her heart and body wanted Joel. Yet her spirit belonged to the gods. In a dead heat, her soul, the essence of who she was as a person, would have to be the tiebreaker.

  “Zarah, I realize that what I’m asking is huge. It’s a life-changing request.”

  “Yes, it most certainly is.”

  “And I get it if you say no. I get it.” He squeezed her hand, and she felt a form of love. “I’m hoping you say yes, but I’ll understand either way.”

  Zarah was most pleased. With her baby dying, she didn’t believe there was to be a future for her as Mrs. Mitchell. To have her husband speak to her with adoration was more than she had dreamed. She couldn’t pass this opportunity to have a family in the States with her husband. She clung to him as affection and gratitude consumed her.

  “My faith and my family’s honor have always been the most important elements in my life, until I met you. You are my love. My future is with you, and so I shall honor your requests.”