Clayton had always known it too. Deep down from the moment he’d fallen in love with her, he knew she wasn’t for him. Even before he’d overheard the scolding she’d gotten from her family that night that she’d given herself to him and gone back to the Goode home with their youthfull promises of a future of forever still fresh on their lips.
He’d been so full of hope just moments before. Believing, at least in the moment, that they could conquer anything, that he could conquer anything as long as he was with her and she was by his side. She’d made him feel like he was more than just the accomplished athlete that they’d made him out to be. Better than just the commodity of a talented body. He remembered how they’d sit on the edge of the lake and he’d tell her dreams about wanting to start a business or farming, and she’d sit and listen and tell him he could do anything he set his mind to. Why, she had him even thinking that he’d use his football scholarship to take business and biology classes. But who was he fooling? With his grades, how would he ever live up to what she expected?
Clayton looked at Liv and knew the silence needed to be broken and he needed to fess up to the reason he wasn’t there when she returned for him the following summer. “So, about those fires at your aunt’s shop.” What the heck? That is not what I am supposed to be talking about. Get it together, man. I don’t even have any leads on the fires at her aunt’s shop. Why am I talking about this now? A backbone, Clayton, you’re supposed to have a freaking backbone.
Livia turned to him with concern in her eyes. “Do you have any leads? I have to tell you, my aunt might be getting older, but I really don’t think anything was wrong with her oven. She had her handyman, Errol, come in and give it a check, and he found the ovens to be perfectly fine. And when she says she set them properly, I believe her. I haven’t noticed anything wrong with the facilities since I’ve been here. And then that fire in the Dumpster? I don’t know, Clayton, it seems pretty odd to me. When you guys checked that out, did you come to any conclusion about how it started? Was it due to something that we threw in the trash?”
Clayton frowned. Well, he started this line of conversation, might as well go with it. “No, it’s kind of odd. We didn’t find any evidence of any cigarette butts or anything like that, but we did find remnants of burned newspaper, and it looked quite twisted as if . . .” Clayton paused. He didn’t want to cause her any real concern or give her any reason to fear.
She gave him a sharp look. “Come on and spit it out, as if what?”
“As if it was prelit and thrown in the trash,” he said. “I don’t know, maybe someone was burning their newspapers and then tried to put the fire out? I’m not sure. But we definitely will watch things a lot closer now.”
Livia, her expression dark, looked back out at the water. “Why would someone throw burned newspaper in our trash? It makes no sense. There is a recycling bin right on the opposite wall.” Clayton nodded, and once again silence engulfed them.
Livia turned back his way. “Why do I get the feeling there’s more you’re not telling me?”
He got prickly tingles along his arms. Clayton didn’t know what to tell her and what not to tell her. He couldn’t possibly tell her that he felt the fire in the Dumpster was suspicious. Or that he now had suspicious feelings about the oven fire too? Not without any evidence. No, he just had to watch things closely and hope that there would be no more mishaps, but if there were, he hoped like all get-out he caught whoever was starting them before any real damage was done or anyone was hurt. And more than anything he hoped it wasn’t who he thought it could be. Clayton shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I think it’s probably just one of those weird mishaps that sort of happened at around the same time and same place. You all just be extra careful and keep a close eye on things and everything should be fine.”
Livia frowned, but nodded her agreement as she took a sip of her soda and let her feet sway in the water a little more before she turned back to him once again. “Well,” she said. “Now that that’s done and you’ve got me out here against my better judgment and my aunt’s extensive schemes, you said you had something to apologize for, so I’m willing to hear it. You want to tell me why it is I came back looking for you, expecting you to live up to your word and your promises and all I got for my troubles was nothing but an empty shack and not even a Dear Jane letter?”
Clayton was almost surprised by her bluntness and the swift change in subject. But for all his being surprised, he should have expected it, because Livia was pretty much fearless when it came to calling him out on his bull. He’d bet a dime for a dollar that she’d known he was stalling when he was talking about the fires before. Just giving him his time to dance around the big elephant in the woods.
Clayton put his soda down beside him before looking back at her, meeting her intense gaze. There would be no turning away, no hiding from her scrutiny. “Liv,” he said, “I really don’t know what to say to you besides, I’m sorry.”
He saw anger spark in her eyes. “Oh, come on, you’ve already said that, Clayton. You didn’t have to bring me all the way out here for an ‘I’m sorry.’ I’m looking for more. I’m looking for a reason why.”
“What does it matter? The reason why? Shouldn’t ‘I’m sorry’ be enough? Shouldn’t the fact that I messed up and I was completely wrong be enough?”
She shook her head in frustration, placing the soda beside her and motioning as if to get up. Desperate, as if on reflex, Clayton moved, bringing his hand out to still her, then he pulled back quickly when her eyes looked down at his hand in dismay.
“Please wait,” he said. “I’m sorry. Wait. No, not I’m sorry. I know you need more than that. Just give me a chance.” He swallowed, trying hard to push down the fear over her leaving frustrated with his unsaid words. “Just give me a chance, Livia. I’m not prepared for this, though I’ve had more years than I deserve to prepare.”
He was way more relieved than he expected to see her sit back down on the dock. But still she glared at him with hard eyes.
“Okay,” he started, “you already know I’m sorry, for what you don’t know. I was stupid, foolish, and a big part of me was a coward back then.”
Clayton watched as confusion ran across Livia’s expression. Her beautiful brows scrunched together, and her eyes clouded with uncertainty. He continued. “When you left, a part of me left with you. And it wasn’t just when you left to go home at the end of the summer. It all started when I dropped you back at your aunt’s that last night we were together.”
Clayton looked down and saw that she was tightly holding one hand inside the other, clasping almost for dear life. A big part of him wanted to reach out to her and just touch her, put his hand over hers. He practically ached to do it, but when he made the smallest gesture to move his hand her way, he saw her almost imperceptibly shrink back, so he moved back and instead continued to talk. He decided not to look at her, but to train his gaze on their feet back in the water. “So I don’t know if you remember that night.”
“I remember,” she said softly.
He cleared his throat and continued. “Well, after I walked you home and left you out back with your family, your mother, your aunt, you remember, it was one of your family’s usual gatherings. What you don’t know is when I walked away, I doubled back just to tell you one last good-bye, and that’s when I heard what your aunt Kath and your mother were saying about how they hoped you were not getting your head all twisted by hanging out with me. How they thought you could do much better than any boy from these woods. That you had plans. Big plans. Much bigger plans than the likes of me and a place like Sugar Lake after you left for college in the fall.”
He heard Livia’s intake of breath as she looked up at him in shock. “No, Clayton, you can’t have believed that. You got it all wrong,” she whispered. “So very wrong.”
“Oh, come on, Livia, did I? I’m sure I didn’t. And even if I did, they were perfectly right. You didn’t dispute them. I heard you tell them that you
had your head on straight and you already looked into early admittance at some Ivy Leagues. And that was okay. You were better than me and what I could offer. Always so much better than our small-town teenage dreams.”
“How could you say such a thing? You knew about me going to college. And you said you would wait. You were talking about college too. But you always said you’d wait for me. Besides, what was I supposed to tell them? Was I just supposed to blurt out that I just came from your father’s fishing shack where I had given my everything to you? How do you think that would’ve gone over? My father would have had your hide. That’s how it would’ve gone over. I can’t believe you let one overheard silly conversation change your entire perception of me. If that’s the case, then you were just looking for an excuse to get out.”
She looked furious, and Clayton could tell he more than messed up, but it didn’t really matter. He knew that in some ways they were right and so was he. “Like I said, I’m sorry and I know I was stupid and I know I was wrong. But I also know that deep down I was never quite good enough for you. Look at the mistake I made. Look at the mistakes I continue to make. It wasn’t just that one overheard conversation, that conversation just brought up the innate fear that I had inside of me. The silly impulsiveness, the feeling that I was never quite enough for you. I knew it then just as I know it now. And it all came to a head a few months later when my brother got wounded. I was lonely and I was angry and I wanted a reason to run. So I used him as an excuse. I know that now. I saw my brother lying in a hospital bed without a limb, and I said I would make myself worthwhile by somehow avenging him.”
Livia stared at him with such a stunned expression that in that moment, the folly of Clayton’s eighteen-year-old declaration was expressed on her face. He shook his head. “I know, I know it was ridiculous. Believe me, it was totally and completely ridiculous. Caleb told me I was a fool for doing it then, and I live every day now with him and my ex-wife as a reminder of what a foolish mistake it really was. The only good thing to come out of my enlistment was the practical life lessons I learned and the fact that I have my beautiful Hope to show for it. But the price, Livia, the price was also high, and one I’m not sure I’d be willing to pay again.”
He noticed her eyes begin to water as she swallowed. “Don’t say that, Clayton. Don’t ever say that.”
“I can’t not say that. There has not been one day in all these days we’ve been apart that I haven’t thought of you and haven’t thought about what might’ve been if I just stood firm and kept my promise to you.”
Clayton was shocked when Livia jumped up, water splashing him to silence. It was so quick that he wasn’t prepared to stop her, and she started to walk away. He scrambled after her, reaching for her elbow, and was stunned when she turned on him, her tears clearly flowing. “I told you, don’t say that!” She turned to start back up the uneven pathway.
“Where are you going?” Clayton yelled. “Wait a minute. Livia! You don’t even have any shoes on.”
Livia stopped with a frustrated huff and doubled back to get her sneakers. She looked up at him with anger burning from her eyes. “Don’t talk to me about what you’ve been feeling for the past twelve years or your regret. Do you have any idea what I’ve been feeling?”
Her words hit him like a punch in the chest, leaving him breathless. All these years he’d thought she moved on with her life and was somewhere totally and completely happy and better off without him. That’s the way people think when they feel they’re not good enough or don’t live up to the expectations of another person. He stared at her, searching for the words. “No, I don’t have any idea. I always hoped, no assumed, you were happy, so much happier than I was. And that was good enough for me.”
The tears flowed steadily down her cheeks, and she swiped at them. “Well, you assumed wrong! How can anybody be happy with unanswered questions in their life, Clayton, tell me that? Just how?”
Seeing her like this, crying, but still so strong and so beautiful, did something to Clayton, and all of a sudden it was as if everything were breaking apart inside him, spilling out, and he could no longer hold onto himself. Clayton reached out to her at the same time she held up a hand. Still he couldn’t stop himself, and he pulled her to him and brought his lips down on hers in a desperate crushing moment. It was more of a plea than anything as he surrendered his heart to her in a kiss.
And surrender he did. His whole world shattered and then was pieced back together in the moment that she let go and yielded to him. Moving in ever so slightly, easing into him on a breathy sigh, Liv’s lips were sweeter than any honey he’d ever harvested. Clayton felt like everything in him went liquid and he had to steel his core to keep himself together.
God, would this woman always have this effect on him? How could she still make him feel this way all these years later? One kiss from her and he was gone. Transported to another realm where the air was sweeter, the colors brighter, and life suddenly worth living that much more. Clayton leaned in farther as he breathed in some much-needed air, wrapping his arms tighter around her waist, but he stilled when Livia stiffened and pulled back.
“No,” she said softly.
“No?”
She shook her head.
“No.”
“Then tell me,” he asked, “why are you still holding on to me so tight?”
They both looked down at the same time and saw the hand that Livia had put up. It was between them and tightly grasping his T-shirt.
She looked up at him, her lashes spiked with tears. “Because right now I don’t know how to just let go.”
Clayton felt his voice come out in a hoarse whisper, and he forced his gaze away from her to the lake as he took in the low-hanging sun, threatening to soon sink behind the trees. He told himself he should be strong for the both of them. If she wanted to let go, but didn’t know how, he would show her. He was good at good-byes. Letting go was his specialty. But when he looked back down at her and she looked up at him, her eyes full of every dream he’d ever secretly held, his voice came out as a hoarse plea. “Then don’t let go. Even if it’s only for this afternoon. Don’t let go, and neither will I. Let’s hold on. We’ve still got each other and the sun is still shining, for now.”
Clayton leaned forward once again, this time kissing Livia with all he had while picking her up. His mind briefly went to the honey jar that he was sure was nearly filled. He knew it was probably near overflowing and would be by the time they went back out to check it. But then Liv reached up and touched his lips. “The sun will be setting soon,” she said as she pulled back.
Clayton leaned in more. The honey wouldn’t be a problem for another hour. Right now he had Livia Gale in his arms once more, and there was no way he was letting her go. Sure, he knew there would be a mess to clean up later. But later would have to take care of itself. “Soon,” he said. “But not yet.”
Chapter 18
Liv stood at the kitchen sink and once again wiped down the jar of honey before placing it back on the kitchen counter as she looked out the window over the sink. “Okay, enough is enough,” she said to herself as she pushed the jar back a little farther from the edge and stepped away from the counter. Unconsciously she put her fingers to her lips and closed her eyes as she swallowed.
Why did she fall for it? Why did she fall for him once again? She went to the lake with Clayton knowing there was an attraction, but she thought she had a handle on that, she thought she at least had a handle on her own emotions. All she wanted was to hear his apology, find out his stupid excuse for letting her down like he had, and finally get closure. But what did she do? She went and let him kiss her, and like an idiot she kissed him right back. Falling for his sweet desperate words, soft eyes, and honey lips like a lovestruck teen. Liv let out a frustrated groan. Never again. Nope. Not ever again.
It didn’t matter that in the thirty seconds of that one kiss it was as if her whole being had been reborn, set anew by the beat of his heart against her chest. Th
at it felt so good that she wanted to keep the feeling going and wanted to hold on to it with all she had.
None of that mattered. What mattered was that she knew the reason he walked away and left her, sad as it may be, silly as it may have been, she now knew that it was something that they both had to live with and move on with their lives. She had and he had to take what they shared this afternoon as a final good-bye. The one they should have had.
She had her life in New York—speaking of that, she needed to get busy and up her job search—and he had his life here with his daughter, with his family. He’d gone on just fine without her and would continue to, despite whatever tales he was telling himself, now that she was back for the short amount of time. Liv hadn’t been around noncommittal men all these years to not know the lies they told themselves and how good they were at convincing themselves that those lies were true.
She shook her head and turned toward the fridge, pulling out fixings for the night’s dinner. She needed to keep herself busy. To not focus on Clayton. She needed to come to terms with the fact that today was in no way a beginning, but a long-drawn-out end.
And it was time to put it behind her. She had just a few weeks in town, and she would make the best of it. She could and would get on fine knowing that Clayton was around and would be a part of the periphery of her life for these few weeks. She could be mature about that, and they could be cordial; heck, they could even be friendly. Though nowhere near as friendly as they had been today. She hoped she’d made that clear to him.
Liv turned as the front door opened and Aunt Joyce’s voice rang out. “We’re home!”
Liv cleared her throat and unconsciously ran a hand across her face and hair as if trying to tidy herself up, hoping that Aunt Joyce couldn’t read any of her anxiety across her face. Liv pasted on her best bright smile and yelled back, “I’m in the kitchen!”
Drea and Aunt Joyce walked into the kitchen, both looking at Liv with expectant expressions. Immediately she tried to brush them off. “Hey, you two,” she said brightly, “how’d the rest of the day go?” She stared more closely at Aunt Joyce. Searching for hints of fatigue. “Why don’t you go on in the den and relax? It’s been a long one for you. I’m thinking it’s about time you got off your feet.”
As Good as the First Time Page 22
