The Herald Diary

by Ken Smith

  FOLK are still recalling the humour of the late Ken Dodd, and Tom Peck says: “Ken was on the Michael Parkinson show where he explained, ‘If you tell a joke in Glasgow, they laugh. In Birmingham, they don’t.’ When Parky asked, ‘Why’s that?’ he replied, ‘They can’t hear it.’”

  JUST as an aside to the death of funnyman Ken Dodd, we are reminded of our former editor Harry Reid’s book Deadline, in which he chronicles the ups and downs of the Scottish press, and in which he tells of former Scotsman editor John McGurk, when he was a young reporter, making conversation with a local minister. John had told Harry: “I went to this minister, and I was trying to get a story, and on his sideboard there’s a picture of Ken Dodd, who was a pretty popular comedian at the time.

  “To try and break the ice, I say, ‘Ken Dodd, is that someone you know?’ And he looked at me and looked at the picture, looked back at me and said, ‘That’s a photograph of my wife.’”

  OUR mention of the late evangelist Billy Graham’s rallies in Glasgow remind John Gilligan: “My uncle Willie attended the one held at Ibrox. He used to tell me that the pastor invited people to come forward and be saved. A wee Glesga fella raced on to the park and the pastor asked if he had come to be saved. ‘Naw, Reverend, it’s jist that ah’ve always wanted to walk on that pitch!’ he replied.”

  OH dear, just back from a holiday and immediately a colleague tracked me down. He cornered me to tell me his words of wisdom: “Just a tip for mourners. Cheer yourself up the next time you go to a funeral by simply hiding a £20 note in the back pocket of your black suit.”

  SOME newspaper corrections require a wider audience. Ewan MacColl was a famous folk singer who, although born in England, was very proud of his Scottish parentage.

  He married Peggy Seeger, and the Guardian newspaper has printed the correction: “A review of Peggy Seeger’s memoir quotes her description of her early impressions of Ewan MacColl and how they fell in love, saying he had a ‘hairy, fat, naked belly poking out and was clad in ill-fitting trousers, suspenders, no shirt, a ragged jacket and a filthy lid of a stovepipe hat aslant like a garbage can’. The context we omitted was that MacColl was appearing in a production of The Threepenny Opera.”

  SAD to hear of the death of former Glasgow Tory MP Teddy Taylor, who was an extremely charming man despite his right-wing views – it must have been his time as a Herald journalist. Teddy was wise enough in Thatcher’s day not to actually put the word Conservative on his election leaflets, and when asked why his Cathcart leaflet was printed in red, he merely replied he felt the colour stood out. Folk who voted for him thinking he was Labour, well that was just an unfortunate error.

  OUR mention of the late Harry Dean Stanton being in Glasgow to film Bertrand Tavernier’s sci-fi classic Death Watch reminds a colleague of Tavernier saying in an interview years later that there was an Orange parade going past their hotel when they were in the city. Harry, he said, found it so astonishing he immediately phoned his friend, film star Jack Nicholson. Said Bertrand: “I could hear Nicholson on the other end of the line, only half awake, and trying to understand what was happening. Stanton made him listen to the Protestant parade. What a wonderful moment.”

  THE late Bruce Forsyth was of course a keen golfer, and in the seventies he took part in a pro/celebrity golf match at Gleneagles which included Sean Connery, Bing Crosby and Burt Lancaster. Bruce later recalled in his biography that there was a reception and dinner afterwards in the hotel, and the following morning the hall porter found actor George C. Scott asleep in a chair, still wearing his dinner suit.

  When the porter gently woke him and asked if he could get him anything, George C. replied: “Get me a cab. I’m going home.”

  “What about your clubs, Mr Scott?” continued the porter.

  “Burn ’em,” said the actor.

  SAD to hear of the death of former footballer Ray Wilkins, one of the English stars brought north to play for Rangers in the late eighties. Years later, in 1996, he was asked by a Herald sports journalist if he had any tips for Hearts, who were facing Rangers in the Scottish Cup final. “They could board up the goal,” was his cheeky reply. Turned out he wasn’t off the mark. Hearts went on to lose 5–1.

  JOURNALISM lost one of its singular talents with the death of Albert Morris at 91, who in his day wrote erudite but always amusing columns in The Scotsman. He once was guest speaker at a dinner, and, as he recalled afterwards: “I had to hire an evening suit as mine was being cleaned to rid it of collected waiter droppings. It had what seemed a handkerchief with a smartly serrated edge showing at the top pocket.

  “During my speech, I reached for the supposed handkerchief, which resisted my increasingly desperate tugs. Suddenly, there was a rending sound and the article – a wretched sliver of cloth attached to a cardboard base – was revealed in all its tawdry tastelessness. My astonished face, doubtless resembling a ripe nectarine, set the tables in a roar and my gas at a peep.”

  SAD to hear of the death of former Morton chairman Douglas Rae, who kept the club going for decades. His old chum Arthur Montford was also a director of the club, and Douglas once told us of going by train with Arthur to a game in Berwick and asking the young lad pushing the refreshment trolley for a sandwich. The chap said he had only one left, and couldn’t give them it as it was past its sell-by date. When they asked how far past the date it was, he replied, “Ten minutes.”

  It turned out that the sandwiches he carried were only stocked for four hours, and as it was four hours and 10 minutes since he brought them on board he couldn’t sell it – no matter how much they protested. “Things can only get better,” said a hungry chairman. They didn’t. Morton lost 2–0. “We’ll bring our own piece next time,” Douglas muttered to Arthur afterwards.

  COMEDY fans noted this week that writer and performer Spike Milligan would have been 100 yesterday if he had lived this long. Steve Doherty still has the letter he got back from Spike years ago when Steve wrote to him when he was a teenager asking Spike how he could become rich and famous. The typed letter simply states: “Dear Stephen, Rob a bank. Regards, Spike.”

  18

  A Sporting Chance

  Scotland is a sporting nation – although mostly from watching sport rather than participating in it. Here are our readers’ tales from the sporting grounds.

  THE Portugal–Iran World Cup game got a bit tousy towards the end, with players constantly haranguing the referee. Ed Hunter tells us: “It’s not a new thing. Brian McGinley, the ex ref, tells the story of Aberdeen leading by a goal against Rangers with 89 minutes played. They are trying to keep the ball by the corner flag to waste time when Ian Ferguson takes the hump and puts in a life-threatening tackle. Pandemonium! McGinley and his linesman are trying to break up the ensuing melee and avoid widespread red cards. He decides to blow for time-up and get everyone up the tunnel. As he runs off the park Rangers manager Jock Wallace points at his watch and yells, ‘It isnae full time, McGinley! Whit’s yir rush?’

  “‘I’m going to a wedding,’ responds Brian.

  “‘Is it yir mither an’ faither?’ says Jock.”

  ENGLAND, of course, beat footballing minnows Panama, and reader James Thomson in Jordanhill tells us: “It reminded me of overhearing a man on Buchanan Street on his phone the day the World Cup group draw happened. Clearly he had just heard England’s group. All I heard was, ‘Panama? Flipping Panama! Who else did they get? Suez and the Crinan?’”

  DON’T know what to make of the stories claiming champion cyclist Bradley Wiggins took prescription drugs to enhance his performance. A West End reader comes to his aid and tells us: “I’ve got nothing but respect for Bradley. I once took drugs and tried to cycle and ended up swerving to miss a dog and ended up in the canal.”

  ONE or two folk unhappy with the road closures for the European Cycling Championships in Glasgow but most liked seeing the city portrayed across Europe. We liked the musings of actor Gavin Mitchell, who opined: “Amazed that nobody’s dug has run oot i
n front of them, no half bricks have bounced off their spokes and nobody has stopped them and asked them for a light!” And a local cyclist watching the time-trial competitors head back in past Springburn: “Ach, I’ve gone faster myself on this stretch. Mind you, I was being chased by a bunch of neds at the time.”

  GREAT win for Scotland against England at cricket this week – hard to beat a relaxing day in the sun, having a beer and watching the game. Anyway a reader in London was in his local when the result came on the telly and a chap further up the bar opined: “I knew they sold a lot of cricket bats in Scotland – I just didn’t realise they used them for playing cricket.”

  OLD joke time – “You’ve got yourself a keeper there,” said the chap in the pub, looking at a picture of his mate’s new girlfriend. “So you think she’s good-looking?” said his delighted pal. “Naw,” replied his mate. “She looks like Alan Rough.” We only mention it as we would like to congratulate former Scotland keeper Roughie becoming a director of Partick Thistle. A colleague once told us he was at a Sportsman’s Dinner when the chairman introduced guest speaker Roughie by saying Alan’s old goalkeeping gloves were to be used in the fight against worldwide infection. “After all,” he said, “if you wear these, there is absolutely no chance of catching anything.”

  OUR mention of the great footballer Jim Baxter reminded Paul O’Sullivan: “In the late sixties Baxter was called for an interview with Leeds United, the most successful club in England at the time. Manager Don Revie, trying to put pressure on Baxter, said, ‘I’ve been asking around about you. It seems that football comes a long way behind birds, booze and fast cars in your list of priorities.’

  “‘You’re remarkably well informed,’ replied Slim Jim.”

  GOOD to see Scottish fitba’ is back after we tried to get used to all those silky skills at the World Cup. As junior football side Easthouses Lily Miners Welfare, who play in the East of Scotland League, explained on social media at the weekend: “Our friendly today was abandoned at 3–3. An opposing player attempted to choke-slam the referee before the referee gave him a clothesline and it ended all square.”

  And no, a clothesline was not the ref helping him hang out his washing.

  NOT everyone is into the World Cup, though. David Steel tells us: “A bit bored of the World Cup so a friend said on social media he was going to watch Gregory’s Girl. A friend then posted that in 1990 he had a German girlfriend who got a teaching placement at Abronhill High School, the setting for the film, in Cumbernauld. He said he went with her to show her where it was. As they arrived in Cumbernauld she burst out crying. Thinking she was nervous about her placement he pulled over and said, ‘Don’t worry, the kids will love you.’

  “‘It’s not that’ she replied, ‘I’m so ashamed of what my country did here.’

  “He comforted her with, ‘Naw, we did this to ourselves – I’ll take you to Clydebank tomorrow.’”

  OUR mention of Rangers legend John Greig reminded Hugh Brennan of his days teaching in the old Irvine Royal Academy. Says Hugh: “George Maxwell, the Kilmarnock defender, was on the PE staff and there had been an incident in a Rangers–Killie match in which Sandy Jardine was sent off. George was left lying on the Ibrox turf injured when John Greig bent over him. ‘I saw John leaning over you, was he concerned about your health?’ he asked George. ‘Aye,’ he replied. ‘He said, get up, ya b******, and I’ll knock you back doon again. I thought it wiser just to stay where I was.’”

  MOTHERWELL Football Club now has a Spanish and a French player, with Alex Rodriguez Gorrin joining Cédric Kipré. So the club had them attempting to understand Scottish Twitter messages which the bamboozled players tried to read out while being interviewed at the club’s summer training camp in Ireland. Among the messages that had them stumped were: “Why dae folk ask babies stupid things like ‘Ur getting awfy big, aren’t ye?’ As if the wee one’s gonna be like, ‘Aye, Moira, yer spot on, Ah’m on the protein.’” And the sublime: “I’d be so ragin’ if I was a sniffer dog. A dug with a job. All your pals doon the park sniffing backsides ’n’ you cannae cos you’re on backshift.”

  THE fractious behaviour of some World Cup players has had readers reminiscing about Scottish footballers. Says Mike McGeachy: “I was at a function where Dunfermline stalwart Jim Leishman was a guest speaker, and he recounted the tale of a Pars game against Rangers at East End Park. Jim was given the unenviable task of man-marking Gers legend and captain John Greig by manager Harry Melrose. ‘Gie him a kick whenever ye can, Jim,’ said Melrose, ‘and if ye can get him carried off, so much the better.’ Jim said, ‘Boss, but whit if I get sent aff?’ Melrose replied, ‘Dinna worry about that, son – they’ll miss him mer than we’ll miss you.’”

  TALKING of Rangers, sad to hear of the death of Ibrox legend Jimmy Hubbard, who scored 65 of the 68 penalties he took for the club. Jimmy Brown, the ex-Kilmarnock keeper who had saved one of the three, was years later boasting about the feat at a coaching occasion. Hubbard bet him a pound that he would put 10 past him there and then. He later recalled that he hit the first four to the left and realised that Brown expected the next one to go right, so he hit the next six to the left also, with Brown always diving to the right. Incidentally Jimmy’s son once wrote to The Herald about football-club discipline and said his dad cycled to Ibrox thinking it would be good for his fitness but was summoned to manager Bill Struth’s office and told to get rid of the bike as it was “totally inappropriate” for a Rangers player.

  WHEN the fitba’ season is over fans’ thoughts turn to other subjects. A Jordanhill reader tells us he was on a fans’ forum where someone asked: “What do you do when the wife is out and you have the house to yourself?” One fan replied: “I put on my wife’s clothes and go around the house criticising everything in the hope that I can finally find out what enjoyment she gets out of doing it.”

  THE appointment of Gerry Britton as Partick Thistle’s new chief executive reminds us of when Gerry was dismissed as co-manager of Thistle some years ago and was surprised to be called into Springburn Jobcentre for an interview under its employment restart scheme. “We’ll give you every assistance to get back into the world of work,” an earnest-looking young woman stated. Pointing to the back page of the newspaper he’d brought with him, Gerry said he’d spotted just the opening, and asked if he could get an interview for the then-vacant Manchester City job. There was an awkward silence before Gerry explained he was joking.

  CONGRATULATIONS to Auchinleck Talbot winning the Scottish Junior Cup at the weekend. It perhaps allows us to repeat that old Ayrshire joke of the chap from rival village Cumnock declaring Auchinleck “is only good for fitba’ players and hoors”. The large chap further down the bar angrily said his sister lived in Auchinleck. Altogether now: “What position does she play?” asked the Cumnock man.

  WE are going to start with sports news, as it is reported that St Mirren manager Jack Ross is poised to become the new Sunderland manager. A fan of Sunderland rivals Newcastle emails us with the comment: “So Jack Ross has been appointed as the new Sunderland manager. A lot of people with a casual interest in football might be asking, ‘Who?’ The answer is, of course, that they are a small English club in League One.”

  MOVING story in The Herald about former Rangers star Willie Henderson planning to trek the Sahara for charity in memory of his daughter. It reminds us of when boxing great Muhammad Ali fought an exhibition bout in Paisley ice rink and was introduced to Willie. After seeing Willie’s weather-worn visage, Ali asked him what he did for a living, and when Willie told him, Ali replied: “Football! I’m glad I stuck to boxing.”

  IT’S the 10th anniversary of the death of Celtic player and manager Tommy Burns, who is still remembered with affection by all who knew him. Former Rangers player Ally McCoist recalled the other day that when they were both in the Scotland team, the squad was assembled in St Andrews for a “Show Racism the Red Card” photo opportunity.

  Ally, as usual, was late, much to the rest of
the players’ chagrin.

  “I go, ‘Sorry, lads; sorry, lads.’ They are all raging at me, raging. So I go to sit down but I don’t have my card to hold up for the picture. Tommy leans over and goes, ‘Haw, gie that Orange b****** that “Show Racism the Red Card” will you?’ Brilliant! I mean what a line.”

  IT’S just over a month away, and a reader emails: “I stopped a bloke in the street and said, ‘Can you help me? I’m looking for a rubbish tip.’ He replied, ‘England to win the World Cup.’”

  SO Rangers caretaker manager Graeme Murty has stepped down after the board of the club announced they had “relieved him of his duties”.

  Sad day for Graeme, but words of support from BBC Scotland football commentator Jim Spence, who says: “Being relieved of your duties doesn’t have to be a cause for shame.

  “Mrs S relieved me of my edging duties in the gairden last night on spurious grounds of incompetence.

  “I didn’t feel any shame at all.”

  THE Herald reports that Rangers striker Kenny Miller is looking likely to have played his last game for the club after a fall-out with caretaker manager Graeme Murty. Kenny, of course, was once the subject of one of the most lyrical commentaries on the radio when he came on as a substitute in a game against Kilmarnock and scored the winning goal in a 3–2 encounter. The Radio Clyde commentator Dougie McDonald, clearly a fan of Procol Harum, had obviously been waiting for that moment as he declared over the airwaves: “Kenny Miller! Rangers are ahead! As the Miller tells his tale, Killie’s face, at first just ghostly, turned a whiter shade of pale!”