Beyond the Wide Wall: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 2)

by Michael James Ploof

  “Nonsense,” said Kazimir. “There is no such thing.” He reached in the bag by his chair and pulled out his long robe. He tied it off around his waist before putting on his pointed hat.

  “Are you going to stay with us for a while?” Gibrig asked.

  “Of course not, he’s too busy,” said Brannon.

  Kazimir offered the elf a scowl.

  “Can you help Sir Eldrick?” Murland asked.

  “Hmm? Ah, yes, Sir Eldrick. That will take some doing, but I believe that I know how to reverse Gurtzarg’s spell. But first we need to make camp. I need a meal before I begin to unravel that witch’s curse.” He glanced around. “We need a decent tent…”

  Kazimir fished in his bag, reaching his arm into it much farther than he should have been able to, and finally pulled out a small tent. He set it on the ground, ushered the companions to step back, and pointed his wand at it.

  “Centum crescet potentiam,” he said, and the tent grew ten times larger.

  “Awe,” said Willow. “I thought you would whoosh one here.”

  Kazimir laughed. “I’ve been trying to cut down on the whooshing.”

  “High Wizard,” said Murland as the others ran into the tent to explore. “About the wand, and the prophecy of the wielder…”

  “Ah, that.”

  “You know about it?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then it is true? I have to fight Zuul?”

  Kazimir sighed. “I didn’t want to say anything. What with you already being on a quest and all. But yes, it is said that he who can mend the wand must fight the Dark Lord when he gains power once again. But alas, I have seen Zuul recently, and I have fought with him. I have won, for now, but his power will only grow.”

  “You’ve seen him!”

  “What do you think I do all the time when I’m not babysitting you all? Yes, for your information, I have seen him. And as I said, he is not your worry right now.”

  “But…I must fight him at some point?”

  Kazimir sighed. “Drak’Noir is all you need to worry about right now. One impossible quest at a time, alright?”

  “Alright.”

  “Good, now let me fix that fool, Sir Eldrick.”

  Kazimir ordered Sir Eldrick brought into the tent, and the wizard sat across from the old knight. From his bag, he produced an hourglass and a jade water pipe that glowed with dim inner light. The water in the basin of the pipe was sparkling and clear, and Sir Eldrick stared at it, looking mystified.

  “What’s that?” he said, reaching for the pipe.

  Kazimir slapped his hand away. “It’s not for you.”

  “Don’t be a bogart,” said Sir Eldrick, reaching for it again.

  The wizard swatted him away, and the knight leapt out of his chair and tackled Kazimir.

  “Gimme some, you old crusty bastard!”

  “Get this fool off me!” Kazimir cried.

  Willow easily pulled Sir Eldrick off and set him down in his chair. Murland offered a helping hand to Kazimir, but the wizard just slapped his hand away. He turned and pointed his wand at the knight. “Et fune ligabis!” he said, and rope shot out of the wand and tied itself tight around Sir Eldrick.

  “Release me, you pervert!”

  “Shut up, or I’ll stuff a sock in your mouth.”

  Kazimir returned to his seat across from Sir Eldrick and packed his pipe. He took a big hit, held it for a few seconds, and then filled the tent with sparkling jade smoke. With a small sigh and a contented nod, he went to work. He cut the top off the hour glass with a fine beam of light from his wand and took up a spell book that looked to be quite old. He flipped through the book, using his mind to turn the pages, before settling on a passage. “Ah, here it is,” he said, and told everyone to stand back. He cleared his throat and began reciting a complicated string of magical commands. Murland tried to keep up, but Kazimir spoke quickly, stringing the syllables together musically. Kazimir finished his incantation and tapped the hour glass before turning it over and setting it on top of Sir Eldrick’s head like a cap. The sand glowed like it was hot, and slowly began to pour through the center and fall onto Sir Eldrick’s head.

  Everyone watched and waited, but nothing appeared to be happening. After a minute, however, Sir Eldrick began to noticeably grow younger.

  Gibrig gasped and Willow clapped. “Now that is some awesome magix,” said the ogre.

  “Shh!” Kazimir hissed.

  The companions watched for the next five minutes, mystified, as Sir Eldrick aged backwards. He said nothing, but seemed to be in some sort of trance. His white hair became brown once more, and his feeble frame, which had been floating in the large armor, filled it out again. Kazimir let up once Sir Eldrick appeared to be in his late thirties, and took the hourglass off his head.

  Sir Eldrick glanced around, looking confused. “What happened? Why am I tied up?”

  “What is the last thing that you remember?” Kazimir asked. With a flick of his wand, the rope disappeared.

  “I remember…I remember charging the witch, Gurtzarg.”

  “Valiant, but stupid,” said Kazimir. “She cast a spell on you that made you grow older. For the last week Murland has been leading you all through the Horrible Hills. And alas, you are now at the edge of the Long Sand.”

  Sir Eldrick looked surprised. He stood cautiously, as though feeling the strength of his legs. He flexed and stretched, rubbing his hands together and looking at them intently. “Kazimir, am I younger than I was?”

  “Perhaps. I stopped the spell once you appeared to be in your late thirties.”

  The knight laughed. “I’m forty-six, but thank you.” He strode across the wide tent and threw back the flap. It was dark outside, and a chill rode in on the wind. Sir Eldrick turned to Murland. “You have done well. I’m proud of you.”

  “Thanks,” said Murland, beaming.

  “Close the door,” said Kazimir. “I’m not heating the outdoors.”

  “Kazimir,” said Gibrig, shivering against the sudden chill. “How can it be so cold? I thought we were in the desert.”

  “This is one of the perils of the Long Sand. While it is scorching hot during the day, at night, it grows frigid.”

  “Are you going to let us use your tent?” said the dwarf hopefully.

  “My tent? Are you mad? Of course not. A dwarf with a magic tent. Who ever heard of such a thing?”

  “Perhaps the Most High Wizard will lend us a tent of our own,” said Sir Eldrick, eyeing the wizard.

  Kazimir rolled his eyes. “I swear, I have to do everything.” He rummaged through his things and pulled out a rolled-up tent with five wooden poles. “Here, use this,” he said, tossing it to Gibrig.

  They dined on what was left of the food Princess Chastity had provided and told Kazimir what had happened in greater detail. The old wizard appeared distracted, however, and continuously glanced at the clock on his wrist.

  Chapter 29

  Sandy Pants

  Kazimir tried to sneak away while everyone was asleep, but Sir Eldrick was a light sleeper due to his years working for the crown. He caught the elusive wizard as he was summoning his unicorn and rushed over to speak with him.

  “Going so soon?” he said, coming to stand beside the unicorn. “I was hoping that you might provide us with mounts for the journey across the desert.”

  “Fine, fine, what did you have in mind?”

  “Camels would be nice.”

  Kazimir nodded and lazily began waggling his fingers.

  “Wait, before you do that. I wanted to speak to you about Murland.”

  “What about him?” said Kazimir grumpily as he stopped his conjuring.

  “Well, what is this business about him having to fight Zuul? Is he really the chosen one? And if so, surely he cannot be sacrificed to Drak—”

  “That is three questions.”

  Sir Eldrick waited.

  “You need not worry about such things. Just lead the fools on as you have
.”

  “That’s not good enough,” said Sir Eldrick.

  “Not good enough? You dare assume that I owe you answers?”

  “Enough of the vague wizard shtick, Kazimir. This is Zuul we’re talking about.”

  Kazimir gave a sigh. “It is true, the Dark Lord has been reborn. But he is only a toddler. He is of no threat right now.”

  “A toddler? You mean, he has literally been reborn?”

  “Yes, and he is quite the pain in the ass.”

  “Surely Murland can defeat him in his weakened condition.”

  “If you must know, I have subdued the little dark stain. As I said, he is no threat.”

  Sir Eldrick searched the wizard’s eyes, though it was rumored that staring at a wizard too long would lead to insanity, he didn’t care. There was something going on with Kazimir. He had always seemed a deceptive shyster to Sir Eldrick, but now the feeling had multiplied.

  “You do not wish for Zuul to be destroyed, do you?” said Sir Eldrick carefully. “You want to control him.”

  Kazimir said nothing.

  “To what end?” Sir Eldrick asked.

  “I do not assume to be able to help you understand the ways of the wizard, and so I will not waste my time with it. You have enough to worry about with getting these fools to Bad Mountain. Once again, you got yourself in a pickle. And once again I had to save your sorry ass. Rather than vague accusations, perhaps you should offer some thanks for all that I have done for you.”

  Sir Eldrick wanted to tell the wizard that it was his fault that he was on this quest in the first place, but he kept his mouth shut. Kazimir did have a point, as loath as Sir Eldrick was to admit it; he had needed Kazimir’s help.

  “I apologize. It is true. Had you not returned me to normal, I would have surely died from the witch’s curse. Thank you, Kazimir.”

  “That wasn’t so hard, now was it? I swear, a wizard gets no respect. Now, if you please, step back while I conjure your blasted camels.”

  Kazimir waggled his fingers, speaking the ancient words of magic, and suddenly five camels whooshed into existence.

  ***

  Far to the south, in the forgotten land of Sandmoore, Berbick Dune looked at the ticket in his hand. His father had dropped it, and Berbick had noticed the dollar amount.

  “Father, tell me that this isn’t yours,” he said evenly.

  Jek looked up at his son sheepishly, his wind-burned cheeks masking his embarrassment. “I’ve got a hunch,” said the old drunk.

  Burbick’s eyes widened, and he began to shake his head in denial. “No, no, you wouldn’t…That’s all our money, all of my money!”

  “I told you, boy, I got a hunch.”

  “A hunch? A hunch?” Berbick shook the ticket in front of his father’s face. “You bet eight hundred sheikhs on a camel named, named…” Berbick fumbled with the ticket. “Sandy Pants?”

  “Exactly!” said his father. “You know how I always said your mother had sand in her pants when she was grumpy? Gods rest her soul. Well, I saw the camel’s name, and it was like your mother was talking to me. She said, ‘Jek, my love, put it all on old Sandy Pants’, and so I did.”

  Berbick just stood there, shaking his head. “You’ve done some stupid things in your life, but this, this takes the pie.”

  “Look, Berbick. The race is about to start. Come on, watch your dad become a winner.”

  “I’m done,” said Berbick, turning around and making his way out from under the shelter of the canvas covering the spectators.

  “Wait!” his father cried, grabbing his arm and turning him around. “Wait, please, please Berbick.”

  “That was six months’ worth of wages. I worked my ass off in the mines for that money. You had no right.”

  “I know, I’m sorry. Just, please, just watch. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t believe that your mother wanted me to.”

  “Last year you traded our camel for magic beans because you thought grandpa wanted you to,” said Berbick tiredly.

  “This is different,” said Jek, and the horn signifying the start of the race caught their attention. “Please, just watch.”

  Berbick gave a sigh and reluctantly followed his father to the rail to watch. Ten camels erupted from the gates and sped by, leaving dust and hoots and hollers in their wake. Jek yelled encouragements to Sandy Pants, tugging on his son’s arm, who angrily ripped it from his grip.

  “He’s in last place.”

  “Just watch, he’s gaining.”

  Sandy pants was gaining, but not enough. By the time the camels were halfway around the track, he was still only eighth.

  “Run, Sandy Pants, run!” Berbick screamed.

  The camel’s jockey pumped his arms and spurred his mount on, cracking the whip by its ear. Sandy Pants gained another spot, and then another, but he was still only sixth.

  Jek’s words of encouragement died out as the camels turned the final bend, and the front five pulled away from the pack considerably.

  “This is over,” said Berbick. “Come on, you old fool.”

  “Wait,” said Jek, and his voice was a whisper, drowned out by the screaming of the crowd.

  “We’ve lost,” said Berbick. “Do you love losing so much that you have to watch the inevitable?”

  “There’s still a chance,” said Jek as the first camel charged for the finish line.

  “No, there isn’t!” said Berbick, shaking his father.

  “LOOK!” said Jek suddenly, and Berbick turned just in time to see the five lead riders tumbling down the track, their camels nowhere in sight. To Burbick’s astonishment, Sandy Pants crossed the finish line in first place.

  “What…what was that?” he said, shocked.

  “Did you see it, son? It was a miracle. The other camels just up and disappeared!”

  “Wait, but that means…”

  “We won!” said Jek, grabbing his son by the cheeks and dancing up and down. “Oh, bless your mother, that clever, clever woman.”

  “Father,” said Berbick, sobered by a thought. “What were the odds on Sandy Pants?”

  Jek smiled a toothless grin. “Fifty to one.”

  ***

  “The beasts should see you to the Petrified Plains,” said Kazimir, petting one of the camels. “Do try to stay out of trouble. For I am needed in many other parts of the world.”

  “I’ll do my best,” said Sir Eldrick.

  Kazimir studied him before giving a small nod. He spoke a word into the unicorn’s ear, and wings sprouted from its back. A few minutes later, the wizard and mount disappeared into the northern horizon.

  Sir Eldrick woke the others before the sun had risen, telling them to have the tent broken down in five minutes. When sleepy-eyed Gibrig emerged from the tent and saw the camels, he was absolutely delighted.

  “What be those?” he said, cautiously walking up to them and reaching out a hand to touch one of their strange humps.

  “Those are camels,” said Sir Eldrick. “They’re a gift from Kazimir.”

  Gibrig pet one of the camel’s humps and laughed when the beast made a strange guttural sound.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Willow, scratching her backside as she emerged from the tent. “Those things can’t bear my weight.”

  “Murland has his winged backpack,” said Sir Eldrick. “That leaves two camels for you. Perhaps you can sit on them both.”

  “And what are those words and glyphs there on the sides?” Willow asked, stroking the silky fabric hanging from beneath the saddle.

  “Never mind that right now. Help break down camp. We’ll wonder about such things once we’re on the road.”

  “What road?” said Brannon, emerging from the tent with Murland in tow. “There is nothing but sand for as far as the eye can see.”

  “I guess that it’s just one big road then,” said Sir Eldrick. “Come with me, Brannon, and let’s see about our water situation.”

  Brannon joined him by the camels, and the elf
absentmindedly checked the saddles that came with the beasts. “I’m so glad that you’re finally yourself again,” Brannon blurted.

  “You are?” said Sir Eldrick, raising a brow.

  Brannon checked himself, realizing that he had been practically gushing. “Well…yes. Not that I missed you, so much as…I don’t know. It has been lonely carrying the burden of our secret alone. You’ve been a senile old man for the last week.”

  “I was senile?”

  “And quite lewd. You called me a female the entire time.”

  Sir Eldrick laughed at that. “Sounds about right,” he teased.

  Brannon was not impressed. “I’m serious, Eldrick. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I never thought I’d say this, but…I care about them.”

  Sir Eldrick gave a sigh and nodded. “I know how you feel. But we’ve got to do what we’ve got to do. You know that. Why do you keep picking at old scabs?”

  “These wounds will never heal. I don’t know what you’ve done in your lifetime, but I will never forgive myself if I do this.”

  “Really? Since when do you have a heart?” said Sir Eldrick, none too kindly. “What do you propose instead? Going against Kazimir? Fighting Drak’Noir?”

  “I don’t know, but, but…there has to be a way.”

  “Well, the desert is long. You’ll have a long time to think of another way. Until then, stick to the plan.”

  “We’re all set,” said Murland, shouldering his backpack.

  “Excellent!” said Sir Eldrick. “Mount up!”

  They headed out into the Long Sand, and Sir Eldrick reminded himself to be on guard. Kazimir might have been a crusty old bastard, but he was right, they had all gotten into far too much trouble already. They had yet to get across the desert, and then the Petrified Plains waited. And beyond that, Bad Mountain.

  Chapter 30

  The Doppelgangers

  The unrelenting sun beat down on the companions as they crossed the unchanging landscape. A sea of sand stretched out before them. There was no vegetation and no stones, no respite from the beating sun. Luckily, they had plenty of water, due to the water conjuring spell that Murland found in Kazam’s book on the third day. Still, they were severely sunburned, which only made the freezing nights that much more horrid.