Shaxoa's Gift

by Gladden, DelSheree

  I deeply appreciated her optimism, even if I felt she might be grasping at straws.

  There was so much uncertainty in my future. A few days ago I had approached the Elders, sure that the plans Claire and I had made would be met with little resistance, and then only from her father. One more night, and I would race back to Claire with her only hope of freedom, not knowing how long I would have with her before being pulled away once again.

  Kaya and Samantha had given me so much more than I had ever expected, but I needed more still. I stared at the books, doubting that there would be much more in them that would be helpful to me. Talon was very intelligent, more than any of the other animals, but his knowledge of the Matwau seemed to be restricted to how dangerous the creature was, and that he was bound to protect me from him.

  “Kaya,” I said, a question stirring in my mind, “when you saw the vision Quaile had seen, what were you seeing exactly?”

  “What do you mean, Uriah?” Kaya asked.

  Samantha leaned forward eagerly. Her curiosity spiked when it came to what Kaya could do. If there was anything that passed between the sisters that was not based on mutual friendship and love, it seemed to be an irritation for Samantha that she did not possess Kaya’s talent for foretelling. Even if she couldn’t share the talent, she was determined to understand how it worked.

  “Were you only seeing what Quaile saw, or were looking into my future?” I asked. I wasn’t sure myself if there was any difference, but as I thought about the conversation Kaya and I’d had before the experiment, it made me consider that there might have been some difference.

  Kaya smiled appraisingly. “You are a very quick study, Uriah,” she said. “There is a difference, though it’s very small. When I saw the vision yesterday, I was only trying to see the exact vision Quaile had seen. I had a very specific topic in mind, and that was what I sought. That was all I asked permission to see. Most people don’t want to know what the years ahead will hold for them, and frankly, I don’t like knowing it any more than they do. The first thing the last shaman taught me was how to seek a specific vision and nothing more.”

  Her answer was comforting. “Can you see more if I asked you to?” If she could see further into my future, she might see what would happen beyond confronting the Matwau. If I could know that I would return to Claire’s arms afterward, facing the creature would hold considerably less fear for me. I had beaten him once already and faced him twice more. The real fear in facing him again was that I would be giving myself over to a fate worse than losing my life.

  Kaya’s hands snapped together, twisting around each other. “Are you sure you want me to do that Uriah?” she asked. “People have come to me, knowing that I have a strong talent for foretelling. They want me to tell them the exact details of whatever situation they’re worried about, but it rarely works the way they want it to.”

  “How do you mean? The vision of me facing the Matwau is very specific, why would the rest of my future not be as clear?” I wondered.

  “The vision of the Matwau was very different from what I usually see,” Kaya said. “I rarely see anything like that, only when a human’s future tangles with the workings of the gods. Most people don’t fall under that category. You’re the first one I’ve ever met.”

  Wonderful, I thought, one more reason to make me stand out when all had ever wanted was a quiet life with Claire. “So how are your usual visions different?”

  “Every human has free will.” Kaya paused when I snorted, but she continued with a meaningful gaze. “And because of free will, it is very difficult to know a person’s future. When I have done viewings before, I’ve seen … well, it’s hard to explain, but they’re like images that flicker in and out. They are possibilities only. Often I can advise a person about whether a choice may bring harmful consequences or help them decide between several options, but I rarely see anything more concrete than that.”

  Disappointment crashed down around me. All I needed was a little reassurance. Possibilities. I already knew what the possibilities were. I knew what I wanted to. That thought took hold of me. I imagined that most of the people who came to Kaya didn’t know what they were looking for. They wanted her to tell them what to do. I knew without a doubt which future I would choose if I was given the opportunity to make my own choice. That had to make a difference.

  “I want you to try.”

  Kaya nodded. “Okay, Uriah, I’ll try.”

  I held out my hands and she took them gently. “Will I see it too, like earlier?”

  “It’s your choice, but I’ll warn you that it will be difficult to understand any of it. It has taken me a very long time to pick out the important details from the swirl of images,” Kaya said. “Are you ready?” I nodded. She took a deep, calming breath as she closed her eyes. I closed my eyes as well, and waited.

  The seconds ticked by as Kaya’s slow breaths continued. I nearly snatched my hands away when the tidal wave of images swept over me, but at the same time the wave crashed down Kaya’s hands gripped mine tightly, and I could not move them. I clenched my teeth and searched for what I was desperate to see.

  The images changed before I could even register what most of them held. I bent every ounce of focus toward the pictures. My sheep. A small child running across a wooden floor. Me clutching my head in agony. Fields. Talon covered in blood. A beautiful woman hid behind shimmering white cloth. More and more hints and suggestions flew by as I struggled to grasp even a hundredth of them.

  I felt beads of sweat roll down my face. I pushed my focus to a finer point, and then everything was gone. I gasped. My eyes opened, but it took several long seconds before I really saw anything. Kaya’s hands were clasped together, but it did not stop them from shaking. Her face was a mask of fear and surprise. I saw my own hands still reaching out for hers and pulled them back immediately.

  “What did you see?” I asked in a voice I barely recognized as my own.

  Kaya lowered her hands and blinked furiously to keep tears from falling.

  “Kaya what did you see?” Samantha asked. Her voice and manner were insistent. She hated not knowing anything, but even more than her curiosity I saw the concern in her eyes for her sister, and in a quick glance to the side, for me also.

  “Kaya?” I asked.

  “There was so much pain,” Kaya said as she wiped away a stray tear and smiled, “but so much happiness too.” Kaya closed her eyes and a sense of calmness seemed to settle over her. “I’m sorry, Uriah. I don’t usually turn into a sobbing mess when I do this. I have never experienced anything like that before.”

  I remembered Quaile saying the same thing. She had told me only the few tidbits she felt necessary and it had cost me. Looking at Kaya, I trusted her to tell me everything. Whether I wanted to hear it or not.

  “I don’t even know where to start. I saw so many conflicting images, you happy with Claire, you happy with your Twin Soul, you screaming in pain greater than I could have imagined one man could bear.” She stifled a sob. “But nothing was certain. There are difficult choices you must make soon, and what you decide will change the course of your life.”

  “What choices?” I asked.

  “You will have to choose between saving Claire, and saving your Twin Soul,” Kaya said.

  I would have to choose between them? “But I have already saved Claire once, and I’m saving her again by coming here. I’ll be on my way home tomorrow,” I said. “Will something else happen to her? Will the Matwau go after her to?” My questions tumbled out of my mouth in a landslide of fear.

  “I don’t know for sure, Uriah. The Matwau won’t take Claire, he can’t, but he will have something to do with why you must choose between them. Choose one way and you will live in pain for the rest of your life. Choose the other and you have a chance at happiness, a chance.” She said put special importance on the last word. “It won’t be one choice that shapes your future, but several, and not only your choices will change things.”

  “
What else then? Who else?” I asked. I was trying to keep my voice mild, but my fear was overriding everything else.

  “Claire. Claire will make a decision that will greatly affect you. I have no idea what it concerns. I couldn’t know without viewing her as well, but it will impact you. There will be more choices. You will have to decide whether you’ll face the Matwau alone or with friends. One choice will bring blood and misery. One will gain you a chance at victory.”

  A chance. Always just a chance.

  “You will meet someone who equals you in power, but in what type of power I couldn’t tell. This person will break you, or you them, or a part of you, it was unclear, but only if you let them. Your choice regarding this person could clear the way to everything you desire, or pull you down into a mire of self-loathing and hatred that you will not escape.”

  Her words left me stunned. How was I supposed to be able to reason out the right decision every time? I wasn’t the one to make bold moves, or break anyone, or endanger my friends. I wanted to go home to Claire, to my sheep and my home. My home with wooden floors. I had seen those floors in one of the flashes. There had been a child running across them, a little girl. I tried to remember what she looked like, but her image had been a blur of movement.

  “The child,” I whispered, “who was she?”

  Samantha’s eyes swallowed me whole. She leaned toward me, her hand reaching out to take mine. Kaya had told me last night how much Samantha wanted children, but no man in the community would even look at her, let alone date her. She refused to leave her sister, though.

  “She is your daughter,” Kaya whispered, “or might be, depending on your choices.”

  “Might be? A daughter with who?” I asked.

  Kaya shook her head sadly. “I don’t know.”

  “What does any of it mean?” Samantha asked impatiently.

  “I don’t know any more than I’ve said,” Kaya said. “The images are very hard to interpret, even when they’re so strong.”

  “Samantha, please let her be,” I asked. Samantha scowled, briefly. Her face returned to its usual warmth when she looked at me. “I’ve already asked more of you both than I had any right to. I won’t ask any more.”

  Samantha nodded while Kaya only stared at me with apologetic eyes. Samantha squeezed my hand before letting go and standing. “I’ll make some tea.”

  “Thank you, Sam, tea always helps calm me down,” Kaya said. Turning back to me, she said, “I could try again.”

  “No,” I said quickly, “don’t do it again.” She was exhausted, more than physically exhausted. She was running on only a few hours of sleep, but that was only a portion of it. Seeing the images had drained her emotional strength as well.

  “You don’t have to see it again, Uriah. Maybe I can find out more, interpret more of the images,” Kaya said.

  I shook my head. “You’ve done enough, Kaya. I don’t understand much of what you said, but I will when the time comes.” I hardly believed the words, but Kaya took them on faith.

  Samantha was back with the tea a few minutes later. The warm liquid filled me, the aroma calming me. I pushed everything but Claire to the back of my mind. I would go home the next day. I would hold her in my arms. Nothing else could penetrate my thoughts. The sisters let me sit alone with my thoughts for a long time.

  When Kaya finally touched my shoulder, she had a cordless phone in her other hand. “Why don’t you call Claire?”

  My throat closed off at the thought of talking to Claire. “It…it’s too late.”

  Kaya’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “I’m sure she won’t mind. She must be waiting to hear from you, Uriah. You should call her.”

  “I can’t.” The words came out in a strangled croak.

  “Why not,” Kaya asked.

  There were so many reasons. Possibly, none of them made sense, but I could not take the phone from Kaya’s hand.

  “Uriah, what’s wrong.”

  “Right now, Claire is sleeping in my bed, without me.”

  Kaya set the phone down on the table and took my hand in hers. “Is that something you’ve shared with Claire?”

  It was the most delicate way anyone had ever asked me if Claire and I had slept with each other. I was used to Thomas Brant’s threats and accusing questions regarding sex with his daughter. Kaya’s careful, non-judgmental approach lifted the corners of my mouth. “No, Claire and I have never slept together, but I can imagine her lying there, waiting for me. She’s waiting for me to rescue her, but even with the potion, what will I be bringing her? What do I say to her after everything I’ve learned? She doesn’t even know where I am or what I’m doing.”

  “Claire doesn’t know what you’re doing right now? Why didn’t you tell her?” Kaya asked. The expression on her face looked similar to one she had worn when I told her about how Quaile had kept her secrets from me.

  “I couldn’t bear to make her another promise, only to fail her again.”

  “You’re not going to fail her, Uriah,” Kaya said. “The potion will be ready tomorrow, and you’ll be on your way back to Claire. Please call her, Uriah.”

  I shook my head. “How long, Kaya? How long will I be able to stay with Claire before I’m pulled away? What if I die? What if I do abandon her for my Twin Soul? How can I ask her to break the bond when my future is so unsure?”

  Kaya’s hands came up to my face, one on either side of my chin. She lifted my face until we were eye to eye. “If you died right now, what would Claire do? Do you think that just because you were no longer around, she would skip off happily to Daniel’s side? She loves you, Uriah. You are not asking her to do anything. She asked you. Have faith in Claire. She obviously has faith in you.”

  Kaya’s words sliced into me. If I were dead, would Claire turn to Daniel? What would stop her, then? Love. Claire loved me, not Daniel. When Claire had woken up, I made the decision to walk out of her life. I didn’t listen to Claire. She had been begging me to stay with her, to help her, but I didn’t let myself listen to her pleas. I told myself that I had only been thinking of her, but was that true? Had my own pain clouded the situation, driving me to run away, seeking escape from what I could not bear?

  I knew one thing. I did trust Claire. I had faith in her strength. What I did not trust was myself. The second I heard Claire’s voice, I would have broken down. I couldn’t stand to tell her everything I had learned over the phone. I had no idea how to tell her in person, but at least in person I could look into her eyes and hold her soft hands.

  “I understand what you’re saying, Kaya, but I can’t call her. I can’t bear to tell her nothing, and I can’t bear to try and explain everything over the phone. If I did, we would both hang up, alone and frightened. I need to tell her in person. Tomorrow will be soon enough,” I said.

  Kaya frowned, but there was a hint of understanding in her expression. She picked up the phone and returned it to the base on the kitchen counter. “It’s late. We should head back so you can get some sleep. You have a long drive tomorrow.”

  Sleep. I doubted I would find any rest tonight.

  23: Losing

  The smell of the horses proved a wonderful distraction and made me miss my own roan mare Daisy. I had gone to sleep much too late the night before after another unsuccessful attempt to get Lina to talk to me about Uriah. She was happy to tell stories and plan for the wedding, but the second I mentioned Uriah’s strength or control, or tried to tell her the things Cole told me, she changed the subject. I persisted, and eventually she simply said she was tired and went to bed.

  I still believed Uriah would come back for me, rescue me from the bond, but how long before he faced the same dilemma? I was sure he would choose me over accepting the bond, but I blanched at the thought of watching him suffer. Could I bear to leave him and search for the relief he would need just like he was doing for me? Was he really going to find anything?

  I had escaped the house to help Hale with the evening chores as promised, but when Ha
le found me weeping and gasping for every breath for the third time, he tried to send me inside. I refused, even pushed him to the ground when he tried to take me to the house himself. I apologized immediately, but Hale eyed me warily after that. He sent me to curry and brush the horses. He muttered something about it soothing whatever was bothering me, and surprisingly enough he had been right.

  That calm was what had brought me back to the stalls hours before the sun would rise. Dewmint and Gander were still sleeping, but Astrid was wide awake and eager for brushing. She nudged my shoulder every time my wandering mind caused my strokes to falter, her velvet nose causing me to wince each time she made contact with the raw wounds from yesterday. I hoped the cuts would never heal, letting me surrender to the needed pain at any time.

  Shaking my head, I abandoned all thought that didn’t focus on the precious animal in front of me and raised the brush to her hide again. Astrid nickered softly as I ran the soft brush down her back. Her coat was already beautiful, but she reveled in the attention and I lost myself in the soothing motion. The repetition kept my thoughts from wandering too far away.

  The smell of the animals reminded me of Uriah and the many times we had ridden out together to lose an afternoon or entire day in the desert hills and bluffs. A few weeks after Uriah’s father died, we met at our favorite spot, a towering rock formation in a quiet valley a few miles from San Juan. Uriah told his mother that he was going camping with Tyler for the weekend, using the honest excuse that he needed to get away from the house and the memories. His mom would have understood why he didn’t really go with Tyler, but Uriah knew she wouldn’t have approved of him inviting me to come along.

  I used a similar excuse, and saddled Daisy, saying that my friend and I would be going horseback riding the next day. I think my mother knew where I was going, but she only smiled and told me to be careful. She trusted Uriah as much as my father hated him, and she knew he needed me. By the time I reached the valley, Uriah had already set up camp.