Falling Stars (The B–Side)

by J. L. Brooks

  My eyes opened to a multitude of bodies rioting under Hunter’s influence. I had been pacing back and forth across the stage, feeding off of the crowd’s excitement, which gave me confidence. Within seconds he had sampled my words and was already weaving them over the track. With raised arms clapping above my head, the music was moving faster than my brain was processing, so I blew a kiss and waved goodbye before slipping away. Leaning against a cool concrete pillar, I gazed out once again at the flashing lasers and writhing dancers packed like sardines in the stadium. Hunter was so in tune with the audience; they fed his energy and he gave it right back.

  I felt the urge to enjoy the show along with the crowd, so I navigated my way through and down into the open mob below. Hunter was focused on the set and would not miss me on the stage. Flashing my pass, I tucked it into my shirt after crossing into the congregated area. It was more packed here than next to Hunter, but it felt more natural to be with everyone else.

  Jumping and shaking, I began to pour out sweat as my muscles worked furiously to keep up with the beat. I lasted four tracks before my body reminded me I hadn’t danced like this in years. Moving back as the crowd thinned, I found the restroom and splashed cold water over my face and chest.

  Taking the time to check out the vendors, I purchased a few items, including a black Arial Assault tank top. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young girl who appeared no older than seventeen grab the fence and start to have a seizure. Her friends looked around and took off quickly, leaving her alone. I rushed to her side and grabbed her just as she was falling to the ground. Her eyes were glassed, pupils dilated. A stream of foamy blood came from her mouth as she began jerking in my arms. I had seen this before in drug overdoses and immediately knew that that is what was happening.

  Screaming, no one could hear me. People passed by without offering assistance, despite looking on curiously. With everything I had, I picked the girl up and carried her to the nearest security guard. I followed them to the medic office as they worked to stabilize her and watched helplessly as her seizures grew more severe. She was strapped to a board to restrain her thrashing body, which stopped moving a few minutes later. Before the ambulance arrived, they lost the pulse and began CPR. Shouting voices surrounded me as I remained silent against the wall, a bystander to the horror occurring before my eyes. I wanted to help, yet there was nothing I could do. Her reaction was unlike anything I had seen before, which unfortunately I had seen far too often. A drug I had never heard of was mentioned as the medics did their best to try and revive her. As the gurney carried her to the ambulance, a hand softly touched my shoulder, bringing me back.

  “Ma’am, are you okay? Are you the one that brought her to security? Are you a friend?”

  I shook my head. I was not okay.

  “No, I saw her by the fence. Her friends ditched her. I caught her before she fell. No one would help me. I don’t know who she is.”

  “Do you mind sticking around for a while? The police are going to need to ask you some questions. We appreciate your help; it’s just routine.”

  “Of course.” I nodded and searched for a place to sit.

  Seeing me shivering, one of the medics brought me a blanket and asked if I wanted something to drink. The police arrived a half hour later and interrogated me on what I saw. I asked about the drug Fentanyl the medics mentioned. With stone faces, they looked at the ground at the same time.

  “It’s horrible. These kids can get the stuff off the Internet and cook it up at home. It’s lethal—one dose and you see what can happen. The heart shuts down. It’s stronger than heroin and ecstasy combined, and it’s cheaper. They can buy it for ten dollars a dose. All it takes is one hit, boom, they are gone.”

  I suddenly understood why Hunter was so angry with me the night before. Drugs were not like they had been when we were younger. They were so much worse. Back then you took a chance. Now, you knowingly took something that could kill you instantly. I wanted to believe the girl was still alive, yet the radio call confirmed she was pronounced dead en route. Hearing it threw me into full-blown shock. A girl died in my arms. I wanted to scream, but nothing would come out. My body would not move. I replayed it over and over again in my head. Everything happened so fast. Why didn’t I stay on the stage? Hunter.

  Oh shit! Hunter!

  “I need you to find someone for me. I don’t have a phone.”

  I pulled the pass from my shirt.

  “I’m here with Hunter Michaels. Arial Assault. I need to tell him where I am.”

  As I panicked, the officers sat me back down.

  “Miss, we will find him, calm down.”

  One of the officers sent a few men out to find Hunter and bring him back. It took nearly an hour before he came rushing through the door. Snatching me up, he held me close as the dam finally burst open.

  “I couldn’t help her. I tried . . . I tried . . .” I wailed.

  “Shhhh. . . . It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here, baby.”

  Hunter sat down and pulled me into his lap while asking the officers what happened. They recounted the story of how I found the girl and brought her to the security guards.

  I lay limply against him, exhausted. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a bed and sleep. I had finished the statement and was free to go. They thanked me for trying to help and apologized for the outcome. I hugged the security guard who helped me bring her in.

  “We all tried. That’s all we can do.”

  Curling me into his side, Hunter escorted me to the waiting car. He had my belongings and said nothing as I crawled inside. I rested my head on his lap and sobbed while thinking about the girl’s family, the girl, me. That could have been me not less than twenty-four hours before.

  For as quickly as I ascended into heaven, the ground hurled towards me even faster with a resounding thud. If I thought the journey into sobriety after coming off heroin-laced ecstasy was wretched, nothing could cleanse my eyes and heart after tonight. Hunter held me as I laid in shock, unable to process everything that had happened. If I could sleep and then wake to know this was a lucid nightmare, I just might escape unscathed.

  “Talk to me, Lila.”

  There was nothing to say. I looked briefly into his eyes before curling my head further into his lap. In less than two days, I would be in my childhood home. A modest Craftsman-style house near Lake Erie, it would have to suffice until the next stage of my life decided to appear. Moving in with my parents seemed like such an insignificant ordeal compared to last week. Whereas before I felt failure, I now felt relief. I would be safe and secure; I could rest and regain my bearings.

  With my voice muffled into his pant leg, I mumbled out, “I want to go home.”

  Hunter’s fingers gently combed through my hair and down my back in slow circular motions.

  “I know. I’ll get you there.”

  He sounded the way I felt. Lost.

  The night before, he asked me to come back to him, yet even I had no clue where I was, so how could I possibly guide another human to safety? Tossed against the rocks by a tempestuous sea, my emotions were scattered into indiscernible fragments. By closing my eyes, I could travel to another place in time, one where life was not so complicated. I found myself imagining Buckingham Fountain in Grant Park. Hunter had taken me to watch the light show one evening long ago. It was such an iconic figure that I was humbled by its presence. The colors danced to music coming from embedded speakers. While the water sprayed and flowed, we danced among the spectators, slowly in each other’s arms.

  Opening my eyes, I realized I could have that memory come to life very quickly. Tapping the driver on the shoulder, I asked him to take us to the fountain and turned to Hunter, who gave a weak smile. The drive was not too terribly long before we pulled up along the curb. Crawling out, I grasped his hand and moved swiftly towards the fountain, which was about to begin the hourly show. We had not missed it, yet I would have waited the forty-five minutes until the next round without complaint.<
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  “Dance with me,” I whispered while pressing my body close and wrapping his arms around me. Slowly we moved side to side as the big band music serenaded us in the humid summer evening. His fingers trailed slowly up and down along my spine, languidly finding a comfortable pace, tapping along with the drums and trumpets. I could smell the intoxicating natural musk trapped in his shirt from sweating on stage. I tried not to think about what I missed and focused on enjoying the moment.

  “This is three.”

  He tightened his embrace, knowing I was trying. I wanted the happy memories, and being here jogged so many more. The record store in Oak Park. Eating strawberries on the roof, perched on the edge of the apartment building he lived in near downtown. The house full of German exchange students celebrating a birthday party where he played while I drank schnapps and ate cake. Memories are peculiar things—one can trigger a multitude. The fountain came on and passed without much notice. We swayed in our private waltz until the next round of tourists arrived. Turning me around and pulling my back against his chest, he rested his chin on my shoulder and watched the display with me.

  “You don’t have to go home, Lila. You can stay with me. I’ll take care of you.”

  I breathed out deeply, hearing the words I longed for, but they were far too late. As I shook my head, regret tightened around my throat like a noose.

  “We both know this is temporary. No sooner would I agree than I would become a burden. And don’t say I won’t. I have already caused you enough grief. Just take me home while things are good between us. I promise to smile when I think about you, okay?”

  Hunter exhaled in frustration. Why he wasn’t seeing this clearly was beyond me. Yes, it sounded like a great idea, but I had my own life to live. I would never be happy trailing him around the world without my own identity, one I worked damn hard for. I might be in a slump, but eventually I would find my way out.

  “You don’t get it, Lila, do you? I would give up everything for you. I would never step foot on another plane or stage if it meant I could be with you. Why are you being such a martyr? I know you’re trouble. It’s one of the things I love about you. Never a dull moment.”

  Turning back around, I placed my lips against his chest and held them there. “That is why you must take me home. I am not worth it.”

  Pushing myself away, I walked back to the waiting car. Forcing myself not to cry, it took every ounce of resolve to pretend to be unaffected by his words. They sounded so sweet, but I knew better. I had been down this road, and nothing was waiting for me but heartache.

  The ride back to the hotel was fraught with tension. Our bedroom sessions lasted until dawn and ranged from angry to desperate. I would feel the strain of muscles in my body after he left, with the bruising in my heart lasting much longer. His fingertips never stopped caressing my shoulders and back, letting me know his mind was just as restless.

  “I’m going to stay in Cleveland with you for a few days, if that’s okay. I’m not ready to say goodbye, yet.”

  Hunter’s voice held such sorrow, which mirrored his expression. Truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let him go, either, but I knew it was coming. We were just postponing the inevitable.

  “I’m sure that would make your mom really happy, too. You don’t come around very often. She is going to be pestering me to bring you back more than once every few years. I hope you realize that.”

  Shifting his body over mine, he gently nudged my legs apart with his knee, allowing his hips to sink slowly between them.

  “How can you fuck me while I am talking about your mom? I feel really awkward right now.” I laughed and tried to squirm away.

  Hunter grabbed my arms and held them loosely above my head while caressing my neck with his soft tongue. Fire followed every lick as he traveled towards my ear.

  “I’m not thinking about her. I am thinking about you. You are the one making it weird. Besides, I have a strange feeling I will not be able to stay away from you for very long. So we need to talk about what I have to do to make that happen.”

  I wasn’t ready for the bubble to burst, especially in that moment. “Shhhh . . .” I hushed while pressing a finger to his lips. “Later okay?”

  Hunter parted his lips and began to suck on my finger suggestively before clamping down with a sharp bite. He knew I was avoiding the topic, which made him angry, yet he would not fight. At least not with words.

  Violently he flipped me onto my stomach and entered me from behind with brute force. As he clawed at the soft flesh of my buttocks, hips and shoulders, I could feel the burn of scratches along my limbs with each thrust. He used sex to supplant the rage he felt and had kept subdued these past few days. Knowing I could take it, he pushed me onto the precipice of sanity. I could cry out, but he would not hear me. In this place, I was merely a channel for aggression into which he could find some semblance of relief. My face sank further into the pillow, whereas I took a mouthful of cotton fabric and bit down fiercely.

  The closer he came to climax, the closer he came to losing control. Snaking my fingers around his forearms, I squeezed hard to let him know it was okay, despite the searing shocks tearing through my body. The muscles flexed and tightened in my grasp. His grunts were feral and dark, yet I still trusted him with every fiber of my being. Hunter came inside me with a fury, hard and relentless. I screamed into the pillow as my arms buckled beneath him. Moving to hold me tightly around my waist, his hips continued to jerk hard until his breathing calmed. Still infused with my body, he pulled me to my side and then snugly against his chest without a word. He didn’t have to say anything.

  Twelve minutes were all it took to realize something was terribly wrong. All of this time he’d been so worried about me, I never stopped to think about what he may be enduring, how he had changed, or what beasts simmered beneath the surface. His life was chaotic, constantly moving and on the go. City after city, there were only strangers. His manager lived in Los Angeles and rarely traveled with him. The venues provided the sound equipment. It was literally him and a small satchel with his laptop and passport. He lived in hotels. There were no kitchen-cooked meals; typically, the event hosts took him out to eat before a show, and he was too paranoid to visit homes of strangers. He had friends he never saw and family he visited even less. His passport was full, but his apartment was empty.

  I broke contact to rest my face across his damp chest. His hand was covering his eyes, teeth bared in a grimace. I wanted to offer comfort, but the burning sensation began to overtake me. Standing, warm fluid started to seep down my legs. Catching it with my hand, I gasped loudly which caught Hunter’s attention.

  “Lila, did you start your period?”

  I shook my head. We both knew the crimson liquid was too bright. Carefully I stepped away from the bed where a small stain of pooled blood rested. The sight forced Hunter to bolt from the bed and pick me up, rushing me to the bathroom. The hot water crashed against the tender bruises and welts on my skin as I lay on the shower floor cradled in his arms.

  “What have I done?” he mournfully growled as the red swirls danced around the drain.

  He was breaking my heart.

  “It’s not what you have done. It’s what are you going to do? I’m sorry I have been so selfish, I couldn’t see past my own issues to see how much you were hurting, too.”

  Instantly his body stiffened behind me. “Are you serious, Lila? I just beat the shit out of you, and you are apologizing to me? It should be the other way around. I have absolutely no excuse. I don’t know what came over me.”

  Letting out a deep breath, I sank deeper into his arms. “I do. I will be okay. We will be okay. I think I just found you.”

  I turned my gaze towards him and watched as the water flowed down his face and off his nose and chin. My eyelids fluttered as the shower splashed down on us. Reaching around his neck, I scooted up into his lap and closer to his mouth.

  “I see your demons, just as you see mine. You do not scare me.”


  Perhaps I was even more mentally disturbed than I had first thought, yet everything was so painfully clear. Finding his trembling lips, I pressed mine gently against them.

  “I am right here, Hunter.”

  He squeezed firmly and I cried out. My body felt wrecked, inside and out. Looking down I could continue to see the blood-laced tornado. His expression grew pained as he took in the same view.

  “I think I need to see a doctor just to be sure. But I’m okay, I promise.”

  Hunter was not convinced, and no amount of reassurance could change that. Even the physician that came to the hotel confirmed that after a few days, I would be well enough and to refrain from any further aggressive sexual activities until then. During the exam, he had asked Hunter to step out so he could check me privately. Overlooking my bruises and scratches, he asked repeatedly if it was consensual. I assured him it was. I knew it was protocol and answered everything honestly enough to keep him from being suspicious of abuse that was not taking place.

  I could hear Hunter pacing the halls frantically, waiting to come back in. When the doctor cracked the door open, he came rushing to my side while being given instructions for my care. Antibiotics, painkillers as needed, and lots of rest. I had enough medication to get me through the night and whole-heartedly embraced the sleep that was coming.

  Cracking the white lid to the small bottle, Hunter handed me two tablets and a small glass of water. I rolled them across my palm a few times before swallowing and huffed, “I never realized what kind of power I had in my hands. I misused it, took it for granted, and now that it’s gone, I wonder if I will ever get it back. And if I do, can I be trusted not to do the same thing again? Words are like drugs, they have the power to harm and to heal. Build empires or destroy lives. Who am I without them?”

  I didn’t want a response. I knew life would go on, one foot in front of the other.

  It was still dark when the codeine haze lifted. The shades were drawn to block out the bright light, and Hunter was beside me sound asleep. I turned on the side lamp to see where the pill bottle was, needing something to ease the growing pain and allow me to slumber once again. With a start, he was up and moving.