Quick Bright Things

by Christopher Cook

  Michael sees the others.

  What?

  Reid: (to Marion) Magic! They come when I call.

  Marion: I lost you two.

  Michael: We’re using the buddy system. Gerome and I are safer without you.

  Reid: (to Michael, re: shooting) You wanna give it a try?

  Michael grabs Gerome by the hand and starts leading him off.

  Michael: Naw, Dad, we’re going to the lake!

  Reid: The lake! We’re on a goddamn hunting expedition!

  Michael and Gerome exit.

  Marion: (calling after) Wait!

  Nick: (calling after) Ten more minutes — that’s it! We gotta make dinner.

  Marion: (calling after) For Mommy!

  Nick moves to follow after them.

  Nick: I don’t think they heard —

  Nick gives the bow and arrow to Reid.

  Reid: You’re doing a good job, man. You are.

  Nick nods and exits after them.

  Marion: Are you giving your brother parenting advice?

  Reid has struck a pose with the bow and arrow. Marion laughs and shakes her head, then goes to follow Nick.

  Where’s the lake?

  Reid: How the fuck should I know?

  Marion readies her air horn and starts calling all their names. Reid and Marion exit together. After a moment, Gerome and Michael enter. They are in another area of the woods.

  Gerome: . . . We can only trust other members of Starfleet.

  Michael: Then Stinky’s out. Stop — this is it. Doesn’t really count as a lake, huh?

  Gerome: It’s water.

  Michael: It’s a swamp.

  Gerome: I really like it.

  Michael: Yeah, totally! The friggin’ sweet spot — this is the only reason I come.

  The air horn blasts again — they both look in the direction of the noise. It continues intermittently through the end of the scene.

  Gerome: Can you hear a voice?

  Michael: Seriously? Like right now?

  Gerome nods. Gerome takes the yogourt container out of his backpack.

  Gerome: It’s Alexander.

  (playfully) “Let me go, Michael, let me go!”

  Michael: Oh, shut up. I don’t care, he’s your newt.

  Gerome opens the container as if letting the newt go. Then he hands his pill bottle to Michael. Nick and Marion can be heard calling their names.

  Gerome: Bonus payment.

  Michael: All of them?

  Gerome: All of them.

  Michael puts them in his pocket and leans his head on Gerome. The sound of the air horn and the voices calling continue into black.

  Scene Six

  Saturday night. Michael is in the living room/dining room with the iPad and has his headphones on. He’s dressed up. Gerome is there, talking to himself and extending his hand as if rehearsing an introduction.

  Marion: (off) Did someone hear the door?

  Nick: (off) She’s not supposed to be here for another hour!

  Marion: (off) Reid! Did you set the table?

  Reid: (off) Mike! Set the table!

  Michael: Gerome! Set the table!

  Nick enters, struggling with his tie.

  Nick: (to Gerome) Everything under control? How we feeling?

  Gerome nods. During the following, Gerome takes Nick’s tie and ties it on himself expertly.

  Marion: (off) Nick, hun! It’s fine, but is your casserole supposed to look like this?

  Nick: (calling off) Like what?

  Marion: (off) Like this! I’m sure it’ll taste great no matter what but come look!

  Nick: Are we doing the right thing, Gerome?

  Gerome kisses him on the cheek and puts the tie around his papa’s neck. Nick exits to the kitchen.

  Marion: (off) Wait! I hear a car! That is definitely a car!

  Marion enters from the kitchen running. She’s dressed up too.

  Marion looks out the front window.

  Oh my Jay — she’s early!

  (calling off) Reid! Michael!

  Michael: Rye-on! I’m right here!

  Marion: Computer! Off! Positions, everyone!

  Gerome: (to himself, quickly) Hello my name’s Gerome nice to meet —

  Marion: First impressions, Gerome — please! Don’t act . . . you know.

  Nick enters from the kitchen, his cell ringing.

  The food! We’re not ready!

  Nick: Let her wait.

  (to cell) Toby?

  Marion: (calling off) Reid! We need that oven on full power, stat!

  Marion exits to the kitchen, running.

  Nick: (to cell) Yeah, all good, Toby — little busy — but he’s right here —

  Gerome: I forgot to shower!

  Nick: Too late now. You smell fine.

  Nick offers the phone to Gerome.

  Talk to your dad —

  Gerome takes the cell as though it is contaminated and speaks to Nick.

  Gerome: If I forget to wash myself, I’ll forget to brush myself —

  Nick: Okay, breathe —

  Gerome: If I forget to brush myself, then I’ll forget to wipe myself. If I forget to wipe myself, then on top of everything else, you’ll have to clean up my shit!

  Nick: (quietly) Tell your dad we’ll call him —

  Gerome does his gesture to make cellphones safe. He shouts into the cell, not bringing it close to his head.

  Gerome: Call you back, bye!

  Gerome hangs up.

  Nick: This is what I’m talking about — are you in control?

  Gerome: Yes! I don’t want my mother smelling my shit!

  Gerome exits upstairs, oblivious of the cell still in his hand.

  Nick: Gerome! . . . Wash fast!

  The doorbell rings, and rings again almost immediately. Nick looks at the door but he doesn’t move. There’s a knock.

  (to Michael) You get it.

  Nick exits to the kitchen. Michael opens the door and Saski enters. She’s in jeans and carries a platter and a plastic bag.

  Saski: Hello there, I’m —

  Michael: If I tell Gerome you’re a Star Trek super fan and honorary Starfleet officer, he’ll like you more.

  Saski: Ah-ha.

  Michael: It’ll cost you, though.

  Gerome enters from upstairs. His suit is soaking wet. He jumped in the shower fully dressed. Michael sees him coming and hugs Saski.

  On behalf of Starfleet, welcome to our home, Professor.

  Gerome pulls Michael away from Saski.

  Ow!

  Saski and Gerome see each other for only a brief moment before Reid enters, bringing Nick with him. Reid’s nose is still bandaged.

  Reid: Let’s do the big howdy!

  Reid sees Gerome.

  My suit! What the hell?

  Michael: Dad! Gerome pushed me!

  Nick: (to Gerome) Apologize.

  Reid: Sorry, my son’s a pussy.

  Nick: Not you, him.

  Gerome: (to Saski) Sorry.

  Nick: To Michael.

  Saski waves hello.

  Saski: Um . . .

  Reid: (to Saski) So you’re her, huh?

  Saski: Ah — yes?

  Gerome: (loudly, nervously) My name’s —

  Marion enters from the kitchen, interrupting Gerome.

  Marion: Hi! Welcome! Oh my goodness!

  Saski: I couldn’t remember if we said six-thirty or seven —

  Nick: We said seven-thirty —

  Marion hugs Saski.

  Marion: It doesn’t even matter. We’re thrilled to have you. I’m blasting the tater tots, and we threw the casserole in the fire — ha-ha!

  Saski: It smells delicious. Who’s the cook?

  Marion: Nick, and I’m his number one.

  Saski: Let the kitchen know — typical me — I’ve double-booked myself tonight.

  Nick: Seriously?

  Marion: We were so last minute with the invitation.

  Saski: I’ll leave before eight.


  Marion: Of course —

  Saski: Fine if dinner’s still going on. I’ll sneak out. No one will notice.

  (re: Gerome) Now is this . . .

  Marion: Right! We didn’t even work out how we were going to do this — Presenting — ta-da!

  Saski gives the platter and bag to Nick and takes Gerome’s hand in both of hers.

  Saski: Really incredible to meet you.

  (re: Gerome’s suit) But I’m underdressed and too dry.

  Marion: It’s all Gerome — he’s the fancy one!

  Saski offers the plastic bag to Gerome.

  Saski: Excuse the lazy wrapping.

  Gerome pulls out an extra-large T-shirt that says Lakehead University.

  I work there.

  Michael: We know. We stalked you online.

  Gerome puts it on over his jacket — it’s like a dress.

  Marion: Aw, isn’t that the most adorable —

  Gerome pulls a wine bottle from the plastic bag.

  Saski: That’s not for you —

  Nick: I should’ve said about this place and wine —

  Marion grabs the wine bottle.

  Marion: This looks so good! Thank you!

  Saski: What about wine?

  Marion: I don’t know what about wine — wine what?

  Nick: . . . That you didn’t have to bother because we’ve already got a bottle.

  Marion: Well, that one’s open and this one looks like it’s gonna be — a spectacular experience.

  Michael takes the platter from Nick and tries to help himself.

  Michael: Can I have a doughnut?

  Marion grabs the platter.

  Marion: Michael, these are a Thunder Dome delicacy! I can’t believe you brought Persians!

  Saski: They’re homemade.

  Marion: Shut up! Pink icing and everything!

  Saski: (to Gerome) Animal free, every crumb. I’m told you’re vegan.

  There’s suddenly a piercing beep — the fire alarm.

  Nick: What the hell is that?

  Marion: The food! Damn it!

  Reid exits to the kitchen, running. Marion tries to run after him but bumps into Nick. The platter of Persians falls to the ground.

  Oh my god!

  Michael: Reeeeion!

  Marion: Nick! Get out of the way!

  Marion exits.

  Saski: (calling off) Do you need help?

  Nick: (calling off) Do we need to run from the house screaming?

  The fire alarm stops. Michael kicks the Persians. Gerome pushes him away.

  Michael: Ow! Uncle N!

  Gerome: Pick them up! We can still save them!

  Gerome piles the pastries back onto the platter. Saski begins to help. Reid enters from the kitchen.

  Nick: Leave it —

  Reid: Don’t leave it, let him clean it up —

  Saski: Is everything all right in there?

  Marion enters from the kitchen.

  Marion: I am so sorry! I never drop things!

  Marion helps clean the floor.

  Oooh! Does vaygen stain?

  Saski: How’s dinner?

  Marion: The casserole’s in critical condition.

  Reid nods towards the platter, clicking his tongue.

  Reid: Mikey, kitchen —

  Michael groans, takes the platter from Gerome, and exits to the kitchen.

  Marion: Maybe let’s brush those off!

  Marion exits to the kitchen after him.

  Reid: Okay! So, welcome. We hope you survive.

  Reid exits to the kitchen.

  Saski: . . . That was your brother? And his wife?

  Nick: Yeah, Reid, Marion, Michael’s my nephew, and this is Gerome — obviously. You met already.

  Saski: Yes, of course —

  Saski laughs.

  Hello. Again.

  A slight pause.

  I’m glad you like the shirt.

  A slight pause.

  Is there a washroom?

  Saski wiggles her fingers.

  Icing.

  Nick: Upstairs, end of the hall.

  She exits upstairs.

  Gerome: What did I do wrong?

  Nick: You didn’t do anything wrong.

  Gerome: Everyone left.

  Nick: They didn’t leave cuz of you.

  Gerome: “Watch out for personal hygiene.” I showered. I did —

  Nick: I know, bud.

  Gerome: Do you think she likes me?

  Nick: She met you two seconds ago.

  Gerome: So?

  Nick: So — I bet she liked you as soon as she saw you.

  Gerome: I want to shower again.

  Gerome starts moving his fingers in quick repetitive motions. It begins in one hand then spreads to both.

  Nick: Gerome? What if you want her to go?

  Gerome: I’m not gonna want that.

  Nick: What if you need her to go?

  Gerome: Make them all come back —

  Nick: Stop moving your fingers —

  Gerome: It’s keeping me focused on not listening.

  Nick: To me? Or the voices?

  Gerome: Both.

  Nick: Is that getting harder?

  Gerome: Everyone hears voices! I’m treated like I’m broken for admitting it!

  Nick: We can reconsider. If we need to. Your pills.

  Gerome: We made an agreement. You’d give me up so easily!

  Saski enters from upstairs.

  I take those pills, you might as well tie me to a chair, lock me up — is that what you want?

  Nick: No.

  Saski: Everything all right?

  Nick: We’re fine.

  Gerome: (to Saski) Do you have schizophrenia?

  Saski: No.

  Gerome: You don’t?

  Saski shakes her head.

  I do.

  Saski: You — ?

  Nick: I was planning to work up to that.

  Saski: (to Gerome) I — I am sorry.

  Gerome: Is it your fault?

  Saski: I didn’t know.

  Nick: I could’ve warned you.

  Saski: (to Gerome) You have . . .

  Gerome: Schizophrenia.

  Nick: Doesn’t change anything.

  Saski: Of course not. No . . . You live with your fathers?

  (to Nick) Big job.

  Nick: He’s essentially independent. I dunno how much you know about it —

  Saski: I’m no expert —

  Nick: They think it’s a disorder of the mind —

  Saski: I’m also not completely mental-health illiterate.

  Gerome: Then what’s “praecox”?

  Saski shakes her head.

  (quickly) “Dementia praecox,” Latin — the original term: intellectual degradation. Sounds so graceful: it isn’t —

  (re: Nick and Saski) You have brains that are gracefully degrading. Anyone old has a brain that’s proudly breaking down very, very, very slowly — mine’s ripping at warp speed. It hasn’t stopped expanding either: brains don’t stop growing until you’re twentysomething, meaning this isn’t my full crazy. It has a couple of crushing years to tear bigger, stronger, grow hair on its parts: imagine after my crazy goes through puberty.

  Saski: That is an incredible train of thought.

  Gerome: They’ve never seen anything like me before: I’m different from all other people souls, plant souls, animal souls, universal atoms.

  Saski: The rest — all us same souls and atoms — must be pretty bland from your perspective.

  Gerome: Did the human you had sex with to create me have it?

  Nick: She doesn’t —

  (to Saski) You don’t have to talk about that —

  Saski shakes her head.

  Saski: I believe that you’re the first I’ve ever met.

  Gerome: (to Saski) Statistically speaking, you should have it too.

  Saski: Do you want me to have it?

  Nick: He doesn’t want that.

  Saski studies
Gerome.

  Saski: Yes . . . you do.

  Reid enters with a wine glass and the bottle of wine. Michael follows, grabbing a can of cola from a hiding spot in the cushions of the couch.

  Reid: I’m telling you, Sueski —

  Saski: Saski —

  Reid: This kid was so excited to meet you I was worried he was gonna piss himself. Eh, Geromey?

  Reid hands the glass to Saski and pours.

  Saski: Oh! That’s plenty, thank you!

  Reid: You’re gonna want as much as you can get. You speak any Klingon perchance?

  Saski: Klingon? I do not.

  Reid: Shucks — woulda helped.

  Reid points at Gerome.

  Don’t pee your pants.

  Reid exits. Marion calls from the kitchen.