The Boyfriend Bylaws (Totally Fit)

by Susan Hatler

  ****

  I found Patti right away, sat at the table and reached for my water with lemon to calm my nerves. She told me she’d ordered our usual meals, which was fine by me. Honestly, I couldn’t have cared less about food right now.

  “The Boyfriend Bylaws.” Patti sounded very professional as she sat back in the booth and read the typed words off a thick linen piece of stationary. “By Patti Hartley.”

  Sheer terror sliced through me and I nearly spilled my water. What did she think this was, a piece of legislation to be ratified into California law?

  “Rule number one.” Patti looked at me pointedly. “No giving out your phone number until approved to do so.”

  I raised my hand. “Um, can you clarify that?”

  “What’s to make clear? If I don’t say yes, then you don’t give it out.” She enunciated each word as if she were talking to a particularly slow student.

  I dropped my hand. Apparently Patti wasn’t an avid supporter of the “No question is a bad question” philosophy. My throat went dry. “Say I’m at the gym and a really great guy asks for my phone number. What if you’re not around? Can I give him my number, or not?”

  Patti seemed to consider this as the waitress placed my pasta marinara in front of me. After due consideration, she shook her head. “It’s not a good idea to date where you work.”

  Brad popped into my head and I cringed. I’d have to see him over and over again. Ugh. I bit my lip and remembered how he’d showed off to me by benching one seventy-five when I knew from previous spying that he normally benched one-fifty. Brad had no qualms about dating where he worked out.

  Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no! What if he gave someone like Erica “the eye,” benched one-eighty and asked her out? Erica loved PDA. I’d be forced to watch them all lovey-dovey while they worked out. “I get your point.”

  “Brad?”

  I nodded.

  “A shame we didn’t make this deal a couple weeks ago, eh?” Patti turned back to her neatly typed paper. “Rule number two. Must obtain permission to accept any date invitation. That one clear? Good, moving on—”

  “Actually.” I raised my hand again and started to sweat. “What if I’m, say, at a bar having a really great conversation with some gorgeous guy and he asks me out to dinner?”

  “You have a cell?”

  “You know I do.”

  “Then use it. I’ll be available twenty-four seven for consult.” Patti frowned. “Strike that. Don’t call between midnight and eight a.m. I need my sleep.”

  “But how can I—”

  “Your problem. Not mine,” she said, with a barely concealed smile.

  I scrunched my face into a tight ball, then quickly thought better of it and relaxed my facial muscles. On top of everything else, I didn’t need squint lines.

  “Number three.” Patti glanced up, probably to make sure her student was paying attention.

  I gave her a thin smile and thought about how good it would feel to freeze Patti’s underwear like I’d done in eighth grade.

  Patti turned back to the beige, watermarked sheet. “No bringing up marriage, kids or the future.”

  My fake smile faded. How could I forge a lasting relationship without talking about the future? After freezing Patti’s underwear, I’d short sheet her bed.

  “Four. No going to first base without authorization.”

  No big. Brad had pretty much skipped first base anyway.

  Patti stared at me. Then, she reached for her giant purse, pulled out a pen and scribbled on the paper. “Rule number four has been modified. No going to first base, or any other base, without authorization.”

  What was Patti, a mind reader? I could kiss any chance of getting a boyfriend bye-bye with amended rule number four. “How am I supposed to find a husband when I can’t even—”

  “Figure it out. Your way obviously wasn’t getting you anywhere.” Patti raised an eyebrow and then turned back to The Boyfriend Bylaws. “Numero five. No scribbling your first name with some guy’s last name. Ever.”

  I tilted my head to the right and felt my ponytail flop over my left shoulder. “How’d you know I do that?”

  “The pad by the kitchen telephone, genius. And last but not least, number six. This is the rule that I may add new rules as I deem necessary.” She handed over the dreaded paper. It was typed in various colors and fonts with several words in bold and underlined. “Here you go. Read it. Memorize it, live by it, and happy dating. No need to thank me.”

  The Boyfriend Bylaws felt like lead in my hand. “What on earth makes you think I’d thank you for this?”

  “I’m taking charge of your love life, disaster that it is. And doing it for free, I might add.” Patti twirled her fork in the noodles. “It was your idea, remember?”

  I slumped my chin onto my fist and stared at the tomato-covered pasta in front of me. “That’s right. I’ve got balls.”

  “Big ones.”

  “Great. Just what I always wanted.” As Patti took energetic bites of pasta and garlic bread, I turned away from my plate and gazed around the lunchtime crowd at Cherie’s. My eyes froze on a familiar face seated at a back corner table. “Matt.”

  As if he’d heard me, he looked in my direction and winked.

  I smiled back and thought of going over to say hi.

  “He’s cute. That’s the guy who works at the front desk of Totally Fit, right?” Patti said. “Who’s the girl he’s with?”

  “What?” My brows came together as I scoped out the girl sitting across the table from Matt. She looked oddly familiar. She had long, sandy-brown hair and glanced over at me with a curious stare. I turned back to Patti. “I have no idea who she is. He must be dating someone new.”

  My stomach knotted. How could he act so interested in me one day and go out with another girl the next? A surge of jealousy flooded through me. He hadn’t mentioned her yesterday so maybe he’d just met her. I watched her lean forward, say something to him, and then they smiled at each other.

  They seemed awfully chummy for a first date.

  Whatever. Finding Matt with another girl was exactly why I’d said no to dating him in the first place. Reminding myself of that, however, didn’t make me feel one ounce better.

  ****

  Later that afternoon, Erica and I had spent fifteen minutes in the janitor’s closet whispering as I filled her in on my lunch with Patti and the ins and outs of The Boyfriend Bylaws. Erica knew Patti so she wasn’t surprised, but she couldn’t believe that I’d risk Betty. Just went to show how desperate I was.

  At promptly 3:55 p.m., Steve joined us in the darkness, ending our discussion, which had been depressing me anyway.

  Suddenly, I shoved the elbow that dug into my thigh. “Ouch! That hurts.”

  “Sorry.” Steve’s voice sounded muffled in the pitch-black closet. “I thought you were a shelf.”

  “Shh. You want us to get caught?” Erica’s voice was low but stern.

  I stuck my ear against the wall and listened to the silence in Rudy’s office. “I don’t hear a thing.”

  “They aren’t in there yet.” I could hear the “duh” in Erica’s tone. “If they were then Matt would’ve left the front desk and joined us already.”

  I thought about being in the dark with Matt and my heart skipped a beat. Then, I remembered his lunch date and wanted to kick myself for even thinking about him. Suddenly in pain, I smacked an elbow digging into my hip.

  “Sorry,” Steve said.

  “You’re a trainer, Steve.” I straightened from my crouched position and shook off all thoughts of Matt and his new girl. “Shouldn’t you at least be able to hold yourself up without help?”

  “Shhh!” Erica scolded again. “You guys will never be invited back if you don’t shut up.”

  “Don’t tell me to shut up.” I glared toward Erica in the darkness. Not like she could see me, but I got some satisfaction out of narrowing my eyes in her general direction. Normally, I could deal with Erica’s bossy attitu
de but the stress of the last twenty-four hours had been enough.

  Erica grabbed for my shoulder and put an arm around me. “You don’t want us to get caught, do you? How yumzy would that be?”

  “Yumzy was yesterday’s word,” Steve informed her with a sigh. “Keep up with the times, Conner.”

  “Well, excuse me.” Erica sounded indignant. “But in case you don’t remember, I was late this morning, thanks to Mario, and I didn’t hear the new word.”

  “So that’s where you were.” Steve said it like he’d cracked an unsolved mystery.

  “Congrats to Mario.” I said it half-heartedly. It was hard to be enthused over Erica’s love life when my own had taken a plunging nosedive and all future prospects were now subject to The Boyfriend Bylaws. “What’s he like? Any chance he’s The One?”

  “God, no.” Erica snorted. “On a scale of one to ten, I’d give him a seven. That’s a thanks for playing, but it won’t get ya invited back.”

  “That’s harsh, Conner.” Steve paused. “Do all girls rate guys? Wait, never mind. I don’t want to know.”

  I sighed. Brad would’ve been a nine. Get rid of the yellow car, minty hair gel and his opposition to commitment and he would’ve been a ten, hands down.

  The closet door creaked open then and a dark figure with a fabulous physique stood in the hallway holding the handle with one hand. Oh, no. We’d been caught by a hot bod! I knew I should’ve waited and gotten the information second-hand.

  “Why is it dark in here?” The lights flashed on, illuminating Matt, who slammed the door shut behind him.

  “Don’t slam the door.” Erica waved her arms too little too late.

  “Turn the light off.” I somehow managed to shriek quietly. Heat crept up my neck. Had I really thought of Matt as a hot bod? It must be nerves. This spying stuff was so not up my alley.

  “The lights can stay on.” Matt sauntered toward us. “It’s not like they have x-ray vision and can see through the wall.”

  “Good point.” Steve squatted on one knee and pressed his ear against the wall. “Rudy’s not Clarko Kento.”

  Matt bobbled his head and raised his brows. “Nice italian-o accent-o, Steve-o.”

  Erica stomped her foot repeatedly. “Next time, you all are not allowed.”

  “The suits in there yet?” Steve spoke in a low voice and winked at Erica. “See how yumzy I can be?”

  She glared at him. “I thought you said that was yesterday’s word.”

  “To answer your question, Steve, yes. They’re starting the meeting now.” Matt jerked his thumb toward Rudy’s office. “And to respond to your concern, Conner, today’s word is lifesucks.”

  Erica’s chin dropped to her chest and she crinkled her nose. “That’s two words.”

  “Not if you say it quickly.” Steve raised a finger. “Lifesucks. Lifesucks. See?”

  Erica shook her head. “It’s still two words.”

  “After the night I just had, it’s one word.” My mind flew back to last night’s events, then jumped to my lunch with Patti, which inevitably left me wondering about Matt’s date.

  Erica sighed. “I can’t believe you let that hottie get away.”

  I groaned, mostly for thinking about Matt’s girl again. Surprisingly, I hadn’t thought about Brad at all today. “I don’t want to talk about it because lifesucks.”

  “Fine, it’s one word.” Erica rolled her eyes in that ‘whatever’ way of hers. “Anyway, lifesucks when we’re loud, so let’s keep it down people.”

  “Fine,” I whispered and leaned my ear back against the unpainted sheetrock. I thought about asking Matt about his date, but my stomach felt nauseated just thinking about her. “What were the suits like, Matt? Did you get a look at them? Did they look eager to fire any of us?”

  Matt squeezed between Erica and me, then put an ear to the wall, too. His shoulder brushed against mine, causing a tingling sensation up my neck, and his spice scented cologne made my breath catch. I wanted to buy a bottle of whatever it was and drench my pillow with it.

  “Introductions weren’t made,” Matt said, clearly unaware of the physical effect he was having on me. “But I gather one guy is Rudy’s brother. His last name was Zambini and he could’ve passed for his twin.”

  I knew Matt had said something, but I didn’t hear the words. It was impossible to concentrate with the one thought hanging on my mind. I had to get it over with. “How was your lunch?”

  “Great.” His ear pressed closer to the wall and I could feel his warm breath as he spoke. “I wanted to introduce you, but you guys left so fast I didn’t get a chance.”

  Our faces were inches apart and I felt woozy being this close to him. “First, the girl from the dance club. Now, the girl from Cherie’s Cafe….”

  He laughed, his eyes crinkling in an adorable way. “You make it sound like I have a stream of girls.”

  “Don’t you?” I bit my lip, waiting for the answer but not sure I wanted to hear it. Then, I shrugged, not wanting him to think I was interested. “Not that it’s my business.”

  His expression changed and got serious. “I’m single and yes, I date. But I certainly don’t have a stream of girls.”

  “Oh.” He sounded so sincere. I looked down, wondering if I should believe him. Our shoulders were still touching, but I couldn’t bring myself to move away. Then, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye.

  Erica knelt down on the floor next to an air vent and she held a finger to her lips. “They’ve started the meeting. Want me to relay what they’re saying?”

  “Is it wise to speak that close to the vent?” I stared down at Erica, who was now sprawled across the floor with her ear smashed against the grate. “I mean, if you can hear them, can’t they hear you, too?”

  Erica frowned, probably mentally shushing herself. “This is another reason I work alone.” Making several twisty motions with her hand, she zipped her lips then waved us down toward the vent that was two inches above the linoleum floor.

  In the name of duty, I dropped down on my stomach between Matt and Steve, and tried not to sneeze from the dust that coated the vent.

  Matt put his arm around me. “Cozy enough for you?”

  I definitely felt cozy against him, but no way would I let him know how he was affecting me. “Shouldn’t we focus on our jobs?”

  Matt winked at me. “Not my first choice, but whatever you say.”

  “Rodolfo, dai.” A man’s voice, with a thick Italian accent, echoed from the vent and I pictured him gesturing with his hands as he talked the way Rudy did. “The business, it is going under. You want that we help you o no?”

  Going under? We’d suspected it, yes, but having it confirmed gave me a horrible sinking feeling. Poor Rudy. And poor me, too. Where would I find another job in this economy?

  “You know I try to do business with you.” Rudy’s accented words were tense. “But the amount you offer is niente. Pietro, you are my cousin, my blood. You offer me fair price, I sell to you now.”

  Matt leaned away from the vent and whispered. “Told you that Zambini guy was family.”

  “You said brother,” I reminded him.

  “Never said I was clairvoyant.” Matt held his palms in the air. “Don’t start with that ‘my word is my word’ thing again. I admit freely that I was incorrect, okay?”

  “Wow.” Erica put a hand on Matt’s elbow. “A guy admitting he’s wrong? That’s positively yumzy.”

  “Can we get back to the issue at hand, people?” Steve tapped his index finger on the wall.

  We all turned back to the choppy conversation.

  “Guarda, cugino mio. Nicollò and I here to help you, no?” The thickly accented Pietro took on a companionable tone and I pictured him putting an arm around poor Rudy. “We keep price same ma we keep you on to manage, yes? You will receive a fine salary.”

  Rudy sighed. “Va bene. Totally Fit, it is yours.”

  “Bravo, my cousin. You never regret this.” It sounded like th
ey were slapping each other on the back. “Allora, we make some changes. Nicollò?”

  “Sì.” There was a rustling of papers. “I’ve been going through the books and found plenty of places to trim costs.” This Nicollò guy had a deep voice and must’ve grown up in the States because he spoke without a trace of accent. “First, your trainer, Steve Burns?”

  I turned toward Steve, who looked panicked.

  “The guy charges forty-five an hour for his services and you only keep twenty-five percent? No wonder your gym’s going under.”

  “Steve is excellent trainer.” Rudy’s voice was shaky. “He brings a lot of business and the clients, they like him.”

  “We’re going to raise his services to sixty an hour and he can keep half of that. If he doesn’t like it, we’ll get a replacement.”

  Steve’s face went pale and I laid a hand on his arm, knowing I barely scraped by on my Totally Fit paycheck. What if they decided to cut my salary?

  “Sì.” Pietro was speaking again. “Like the one at the front desk. This guy Steve want to walk? We replace with the front desk guy. He in good shape.”

  Reflexively, I turned on my elbows to check Matt out, remembering his muscular silhouette at the door. I blinked. Had he been working out more often?

  “Why are you staring at me?” Matt’s eyes met mine. “You can rest easy. I’m not interested in Steve’s job. Actually, I won’t be working here much longer. I finished my thesis.”

  My stomach sank. I couldn’t imagine Totally Fit without Matt. It just wouldn’t be the same. Out of nowhere, tears sprang into my eyes.

  “Don’t be sad.” He gave me a squeeze. “I’ll still be working out here.”

  What was wrong with me? Matt would have the PhD he’d worked so hard for. I should be happy for him. “Congratulations, Matt. That’s great.”