The Boyfriend Bylaws (Totally Fit)

by Susan Hatler

  “Trust me, this one will be different. Henry’s friend is in his softball league and he sounds like a Ten. If I weren’t already taken, I’d go for him myself.” Ellen sat on the small filing cabinet next to my desk, stared me straight in the eye, and softened her voice. “I think you’ll have a fun time with him. Fourth time’s a charm, Rach.”

  “Charm doesn’t last.” I sighed. It’d been a year since Jeremy and I’d broken up. After two years of trying to make it work with him, he’d started seeing my hairdresser behind my back. I’d known her special haircut/highlight price was too good to be true. Nope, love just wasn’t in the cards for me.

  The door to Noah Peterson’s office opened. Ellen and I peered over my sparsely decorated cubicle.

  Noah had been with the company for two months now. He had the best sales record of all the VPs, the friendliest personality in the software biz, and the most gorgeous blue eyes I’d ever seen.

  Yes, I’d noticed Noah. It was hard not to. He paused outside his office, leaned against the doorjamb, and scanned something in the open file he was holding.

  “Hey, Noah.” Melinda Morgan, our lead customer service rep, swept in and sidled up next to him in her tight v-neck sweater.

  Ellen and I exchanged a look. Melinda worked out two hours every day, and had the body to show for it. She’d dated two of the VPs already, and it was only a matter of time before she latched her red-painted talons into Noah.

  I marveled at Melinda’s skillfully applied make-up. In the morning, I barely had time to make coffee and throw my hair into a twist before I ran late for the office. As for the gym, forcing myself to a yoga class once a week seemed enough of a return on my monthly membership dues.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Melinda told Noah in a way that breathed sex. Jealousy surged up my spine.

  “Valentine’s Day.” Noah batted the manila file against his forehead. “So, that’s what’s up with all those flower deliveries today. Here I figured we had a horticulture department I didn’t know about.”

  I choked on my laugh and Ellen coughed to cover hers. Add a sense of humor to what made Noah number one on my wish list.

  “Hmmm.” Melinda didn’t appear to get the horticulture joke and seemed perplexed as to whether or not he’d gotten the hint to ask her out. “Do you have plans for tonight?”

  He glanced down at the file for a second, then nodded. “Big plans.”

  Ouch. Those two words stabbed my heart. What big plans did he have? More importantly, who were they with? There were no photos in his office and he didn’t wear a ring, but apparently some lucky girl had snagged him. There went any chance of my fantasies becoming reality.

  Melinda smiled and leaned toward Noah’s tall well-built frame. “I have plans, too. Nothing that can’t be rescheduled though.”

  Wow. The woman attacked like a tigress on the prowl. Why couldn’t I be that forward with Noah? Oh yeah, that niggling fear he’d hurt himself laughing at the one-way crush I’d had since he’d started working at our office. Risks weren’t really my thing.

  Noah took her flirtation in stride. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

  “Met him in my building.” She made a big show of examining her nails. Probably just making it clear she didn’t have a ring on that special finger. “Stuart owns his own business, drives a BMW, and runs in A-list circles.”

  Ellen raised her eyebrows and mouthed, “Impressive.”

  And yet, even with a major hunk available to her, Melinda still wanted Noah. Couldn’t blame her. Noah really was in a league of his own. Not that I’d admitted my crush to Ellen, even though we’d been best friends for five years since battling for the last piece of cake at that company picnic. She’d won, but I’d earned her respect by snatching a chunk with my fork.

  Never get between me and carrot cake.

  I should’ve confided in Ellen, but what would be the point? It’s not like I’d have a chance with a guy like Noah. Me? Medium height. Medium build. Brown eyes and brown hair—that used to get highlighted for a steal. Not exactly a blonde bombshell like Melinda or my ex-hairdresser. No tight butt, firm abs, or long legs either.

  “But, like I said, my plans aren’t etched in granite.” Melinda lowered her sultry voice, but thankfully I had the closest cubicle. “If something better crossed my path, I’d certainly be up for that—even if it meant staying in.”

  I scoffed. Subtle.

  Noah’s eyes widened a fraction, then he gave her a friendly smile. “Well, have a great night with whatever you end up doing.”

  “Mmmm.” She pursed her pink lips, started down the hall, then tossed over her shoulder, “You, too.”

  “Wow.” I used a low voice so my co-workers in surrounding cubicles couldn’t hear. “Noah must have some serious plans to turn down an invitation with her.”

  Ellen raised her brows. “Maybe he’s looking for more in a woman than a killer body.”

  I immediately thought of Jeremy and the woman he’d dumped me for. “Yeah, that’s exactly what guys want. Good conversation.”

  “I give up. Live happily ever after with your mutt. See if I care.” Ellen stood, huffed, and stomped out of my cubicle.

  “He happens to be a pedigree.” How dare she insult my miniature beagle-baby? I snatched pages from the printer tray, stapled them together, then sensed someone behind me. “Don’t even try it. I’m not going to say yes.”

  “I haven’t asked you for anything yet.” The smooth male voice had a hint of laughter in it.

  Noah. My heart raced. It wasn’t unusual for Noah to stop by my cubicle and chat before leaving work, but being dateless on V-day had thrown me off-kilter. “I thought you were Ellen.”

  He smiled, revealing straight, white teeth underneath his perfect lips. “Close, but I’m a little taller.”

  And a lot more handsome. “Yes, you are that. ”

  When he leaned back against my desk, it put everything below his belt buckle in my direct eye line. “What’s Ellen trying to talk you into?”

  “A blind date,” I blurted. With great effort, I forced my eyes from his sculpted chest to his spectacular face.

  His brows rose as if surprised. “No date on the Hallmark holiday, huh?”

  Had he just…. “I thought I was the only one who called it that.”

  “Don’t tell anybody, but...,” he held his hand to the side of his mouth and whispered, “I think St. Valentine’s Day is all part of a huge advertising scheme created by flower and chocolate companies. Now, if we could just make a holiday to help sell software programs, we’d be set.”

  “Great idea. It’s the twenty-first century, after all. How about Happy Computer Day?” Oh, how I’d like to celebrate that holiday with him in a non-working way. Run my fingers over his…keyboard. I smiled at the thought.

  Everything felt better when I was with Noah. The way he looked at me, our easy banter, the sparks between us that I was obviously imagining.

  My mood went from elated to deflated in a matter of seconds. That’s reality for you.

  “I’ll put Computer Day down on my calendar.” He checked his watch suddenly. “Almost time to call it a day. So, uh, are you going on that blind date?”

  I paused, wondering why he sounded so interested. Probably just being polite. “Me? Make trivial conversation with someone I’ve never met, likely don’t have anything in common with, and all for the minutely slim shot it’ll work out? I haven’t decided.”

  He tilted his head and gave me a side-glance. “You make dating sound worse than going to the dentist.”

  I avoided his eyes, wanting to kick myself for letting that slip. “I hear you have big plans.”

  His brows quirked and he glanced toward his office. “You heard what I said to Melinda?”

  Uh, yeah, and I still had the neck strain to prove it. “Couldn’t help but notice, what with the e-mail poll going around.”

  “E-mail poll?”

  “About whether or not you’d ask her out.”

 
He studied my face and seemed like he couldn’t decide whether to believe me or not. “And what was your vote?”

  “She’s pretty. Fun.” I shrugged. “Any guy would have a good time with Mel.”

  Frowning, he tapped his file on his opposite palm. “So you think all I need is a pretty face?”

  Great. Now, I’d insulted him. I raised both hands in surrender. “Just a joke. There wasn’t a poll. I swear.”

  “Rach, I….” Ellen’s head popped over our shared cubicle wall and she gaped when she saw Noah. “I, um, was just checking to see if you’ve reconsidered that thing we talked about earlier.”

  I hesitated. Noah had big plans, whereas I had popcorn and a movie with my beloved beagle. My pride paused to reconsider.

  “Well, I’ve got to finish up a thing or two before I head out.” Noah wrote a quick note, then handed it to me. He gave Ellen a paper as well. “I’ll let you two talk. Hope you both have a great weekend. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

  “Happy Valentine’s Day.” It pained me to say it. I didn’t want him happy on Valentine’s Day unless he was with me.

  Ellen scanned her paper. “Sure, Noah. You, too.”

  I gestured to the yellow sheet Ellen was holding. “What did he hand you?”

  She shrugged. “Software updates. You? ”

  I glanced down at mine. Sure enough, software updates. In the top right corner, however, he’d scribbled in his smooth handwriting: Take a chance. A trip to the dentist can fix some painful aches.

  My heart sank. If he was giving me dating advice, we’d clearly entered The Friend Zone. Obviously he wasn’t going to take a chance with the brunette who couldn’t afford to highlight her hair.

  “So?” Ellen’s eyes sparkled. “What’s it going to be? TV with Chester or a blind date with a guy your best friend has complete confidence you’ll adore?”

  I stared at Noah’s note.

  Take a chance? I’d taken plenty. My high school boyfriend? Turned out to be mostly hormones. My numerous dates in college taught me zilch about romance and plenty about the dos and don’ts of drinking. Ah, yes, and let’s not forget my recent fiascos.

  Seriously, why would any smart girl put her heart on the chopping block again? Mine had been diced up enough already, thank you very much.

  Maybe it’d be worth the risk with Noah, but he had big plans. The thought of him with another girl made me nauseous. He might be in a committed relationship or, gasp, engaged.

  “I’m waiting.” Ellen slipped into my cubicle, filling up the empty space Noah had vacated. “What’s it going to be?”

  Ellen had her romantic date with Henry, Melinda had her hot evening with Mr. A-list, and I had another TV marathon with my loyal pooch. If I didn’t take Ellen up on her matchmaking, I’d probably obsess all night over Noah’s big Heart Day plans.

  Maybe Noah was right.

  Maybe I should take one last chance.

  At the very least, it could be a distraction….

  “Okay, okay.” I spun my chair to face Ellen. “You can let Cupid shoot me with his arrow one last time.”

  Her face lit up. She squealed, then clapped her hands. “I’m all over it. I’ll call you with the details. You won’t regret it.”

  “Famous last words,” I muttered as Ellen hurried away to set up my last blind date.

  ****

  After work, I went home and browsed through my closet. “Hmmm. What does one wear on a date they don’t want, with someone they don’t even know?”

  Ruff! Ruff!

  “You love me in my sweats. Don’t you, baby?” I patted Chester on the head then went back to my search.

  I found black pants and a red sweater. Red? On Valentine’s Day? “I refuse to be a walking cliché.”

  Chester stared up at me and wagged his tail. Ruff!

  “You’re right, boy. My heart is totally not in this.” I tossed the pants and top onto my bed and reached for my cell to cancel.

  Before I could dial, a picture of Ellen on her wedding day appeared on my Blackberry screen. I cringed as Forever in Love by Kenny G rang out. I pressed talk. “Keep your hands off my cell phone.”

  Ellen giggled with glee. “Plugged that in while you were at lunch. One day you’ll be forever in love. Maybe it’ll happen tonight. You haven’t changed your mind, have you?”

  “Yes, actually.” I dropped onto my bed, threw an arm over my eyes, and felt Chester nuzzle his way under my elbow. “I’m sorry, El. I just can’t.”

  “Oh, no. You’re going.” Her voice went from sweet to stern. “Henry says you not only have to go, but you’d better have a blast after what he sacrificed.”

  A wet tongue slid across my cheek. “What do you mean?”

  “We called The Boat House and changed our reservation to your name.”

  I sat upright. “What?”

  “It’s Valentine’s Day, my dear.” Dishes clanked and it sounded like the water was running. “Everything’s booked.”

  “I’m not gonna steal your romantic holiday evening. No way.”

  “Oh, yes you are.” Her tone told me not to mess with her. “I gave you our rez because I love you and I want you to be as happy as I am. I’m sorry you had a few lousy dates, but it’s time to try again. Take another risk. That’s how you’ll find your true love. Your Henry.”

  Tears sprang into my eyes. How could she sound so sure? I’d hit thirty-years-old last month. Finding eternal love or even a decent soul mate felt hopeless. Chester cuddled into my lap and I set my hand on his warm, soft head.

  An awkward silence filled the line.

  “Promise me you’ll give this guy a chance.” Her voice lowered an octave. “Not like the last one.”

  I sniffed and grabbed a tissue. “What?”

  “I heard how you cut your date short with Timothy because you had to go home and clean out your freakoid dog’s litter box.”

  “Unlike you, I live in an apartment and work all day. He loves his litter box.” My eyes were moist, but I managed to chuckle. “You know Chester won’t go unless his area is pristine.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Fine.” I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed. “I’ll meet your Ten and have an open mind with the mystery man. Can you at least give me a clue? Does he have hygiene issues I should know about? Bodies buried in his backyard?”

  “No way.” Ellen’s voice was firm. “You forget how well I know you, Rachel Price. If I give you one detail, you’ll twist it into a reason to stay home and clean your refrigerator.”

  “Litter box.”

  “Exactly.” She paused. “Just show up at The Boat House at 7:30 p.m. sharp, smile, and give love a chance.”

  Love? With a stranger? Not likely.

  Then, I remembered that Ellen had been single six months ago. Something stirred inside me. A flittering feeling that felt like…hope.

  ****

  Being a woman of my word, the cab dropped me off at The Boat House in Old Sacramento at seven-thirty in the evening. I asked the driver to come back at nine o’clock sharp. After meeting my blind suitor, I’d no doubt get depressively drunk and I figured an hour and a half was my good faith limit for disasterville.

  Lots of faith in love.

  Yeah, that was me.

  I walked up to the hostess, avoiding even a glimpse of all the lovey-dovey couples in the waiting area of this swanky restaurant. “Reservation for Rachel Price.”

  The hostess eyed my outfit. I’d worn all black to suit my mood. She, on the other hand, wore a bright pink dress and fingered her way down the list on her podium.

  “The other party is already here. Right this way.” She led me to a table in the rear with a scenic view of the river.

  I spotted the back of my date’s head and evaluated. Short, sandy-brown hair. Collared shirt. No red flags—yet. He probably had long pointy canines he’d sink into my jugular.

  “Here you are. Marcia will be your server and she’ll be right with you.” The hostess gestured to the empty seat and
Mystery Guy stood to pull out my chair.

  Impressive. I moved to sit down and prepared for the bite. “Thank you. I….” My voice trailed off and my mouth stayed open as I fell back into my chair.

  “Noah?”

  He smiled and those crinkles appeared on either side of his gorgeous blues. “Surprise.”

  To say the least. “Wha…what are you doing here?”

  Instantly, I imagined scenarios that made my heart race. That he had a crush on me, too. That we’d laugh and flirt over dinner, make out afterwards, get married, have babies, grow old together, and—

  “—I’m saving you from the dentist.”

  “The dentist?” Then, I remembered our conversation at work. “Oh.”

  He was just being nice. Any lingering hope leaked out of me.

  Not noticing, he slipped into his seat. “You seemed less than thrilled about meeting someone new, so I figured you wouldn’t be too disappointed if I showed up instead.”

  True. “But how….”

  “Good evening. I’m Marcia.” A tall, dark-haired woman appeared. “Would you care to order a cocktail? Our drink special tonight is Love Potion.” Her voice and facial expression lacked any spark of enthusiasm. “Comes in a Martini glass.”

  “Sounds cheesy,” I blurted.

  “It does.” Noah held up his middle and index fingers. “We’ll take two.”