Her Soldier (That Girl #3)

by H. J. Bellus

  Levi drops his arms to his side, but doesn’t step back from me.

  “We are your family and you’re not going to push us away.”

  I know I should nod or at least whisper thank you, but I stand still as a statue, void of any emotion. The girls walk behind him and begin talking to him. Their voices don’t make it to my ears as I zone out everything, trying to focus on the next step. Always the next step.

  I’m her only living relative that we know of. Who knows where in the hell my dad is, so this is my job. Danielle gave her life to me, sacrificing so much for me on a daily basis, and now I owe her, no matter the pain inflicted on me.

  Lynlee steps forward to hug me, and I watch as Levi interferes with her contact. He motions for both of the girls to walk toward his large black SUV. I climb into the front passenger seat. I don’t wait for permission or the endless chatter of who is sitting where. Levi drives and the two girls sit in the back. They talk among themselves and I sit in my coma-like state of shock watching the endless buildings and parks pass by. It becomes blurred as we near the bakery, and I know tears are threatening to spill over, but I’m past the point of caring.

  Lynlee’s voice saves me from torturing myself any longer.

  “Levi, the officer told us the wrong side of town. That was him, and we need to head to the north side coroner’s office.”

  The car falls silent as Levi turns around. We merely miss the bakery by blocks, and I’m thankful for the first time today because it’s something I wouldn’t be able to digest seeing right now. Lit-up building still pass, but the area becomes more industrialized with smatterings of apartment buildings. The car comes to a complete stop at a red light, and I can see Beau’s old apartment building across the road.

  I look at Levi as he effortlessly drives. “Hey.” My voice shocks everyone in the car. “Why are you even here, Levi? You’re supposed to be somewhere else.”

  “Lincoln and I flew home with Lynlee to surprise Jazzy for a couple of days.”

  I nod. “Do you guys remember Maxton?” My own voice startles me, but I know it’s time to finally tell my story.

  Jazzy reaches up front, leaning on the back of my seat, and I feel as her arms wrap around my neck. I don’t miss the warning look Levi sends her. I grab onto her hands and begin to talk.

  “The night of your wedding, he beat me. And when I say beat, I mean he almost killed me.” My voice begins to shake, but I refuse to stop. I bear down onto Jazzy’s hands and continue.

  “He texted me, asking me to meet him out in the parking lot. I had tried to stay away from him because of his temper, and, well, you guys didn’t like him. I knew you were my family and tried to respect it.”

  “Jenni, stop.” Lynlee lurches forward, positioning herself on the console with her back to the main windshield. “You are family. You’re my first friend I met here. You’re like a sister. Stop.”

  “Maxton beat me like a dog mere feet from all of you.” Rage sets in again and I pull away from Jazzy’s arm, sitting up in the seat and now facing all three of them.

  “He ripped my dress off of me, broke my ribs, and busted my face all to hell. There was one thing that stopped him, and that was Beau. Yeah, Beau, you know the man you’ve all suspected, grilled, and judged. Well, he’s the one who saved me.” The smell of wet dirt from that night invades my senses and causes my gut to turn. My hands cover my stomach as I try to stop the gagging sensation building up.

  The car is silent as I try to pull myself back together.

  “He took me to the hospital and then to his apartment. I didn’t want to reach out to anyone because all you would’ve done was said I told you so about Maxton.”

  Levi interjects, and I don’t miss his white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel.

  “Jenni, if you didn’t reach out or have Beau come get us from the wedding party, then how would we know something was wrong?”

  My anger balls up in my fists, but instead of hitting him, I throw them up into my hair.

  “Because I went missing from your reception, Levi. Oh, and I can just hear you all saying that’s typical Jenni behavior. Real cool to make fun of me all the time.” I turn and stare down Lynlee then point my finger right in her face. “It took you days. I mean days to even send a quick text to gloat about your new job.”

  A monster is born, and I want to slap Lynlee across the face, hoping to make her feel just half the amount of pain I felt in those days.

  “My ribs were still broken. My skin still bruised, and you were only worried about your fucking job and star husband.”

  I feel the saliva pool in my mouth, and the urge to spit in her face is overwhelming.

  “Beau was the only one there for me. Nursing me back to health and coaxing me to call you guys. I lost him. I’ve lost Danielle. I’ve lost the only family who never gave up on me.”

  My words are meant for the whole car but I send them flying right into Lynlee’s face. She’s the one who pushed the most and the hardest, and she’s the one who knew Beau before any of us. Knew he had a past, for fuck’s sake. She has more of a past than any of us in this car.

  She goes to speak, but Levi stops her, and I turn to face the road again and try to calm myself back into numbness. It’s damn difficult this time. An ounce of guilt resides in my heart at the words and hostility I just flung at Lynlee, and my hatred goes to Beau for running.

  After several vicious moments pass, the car comes to a stop in front of a two-story brick building. There are several steps leading up to the front door with a sign over the entrance. My heart sinks at the realization of the task lying ahead of me. I’ve felt pain before, and downright cruelty growing up, but this feeling lingering inside of me is an overwhelming mixture of torment. I don’t know whether to be angry or sad. Should I be crying or yelling?

  “I’m so sorry.” Bending over I bury my face in my knees and begin to sob. “I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have talked like that.”

  Immediately, I feel Lynlee lying on my back with her chest pressed to me and her face down near mine.

  “What do I do?” I sob into my hands.

  “We will be here and you can even be angry at us, Jenni, and you’re right. I should’ve texted sooner. You are one of my best friends, and I love you.”

  Lynlee pulls me up into a sitting position, forcing me to look straight into her eyes.

  “We are your family and you’re not going to change that.”

  “Everyone who ever loves me ends up leaving me. My dad, Beau, and now my Aunt Danielle.”

  The passenger side door flies open with Jazzy standing in it. She crawls into the vehicle, practically sitting on my lap.

  “You’re right. You’re not loveable. In fact, you are a pain in the ass. One of the most obnoxious, hyper people I’ve ever met, with a heart of gold and killer shoes, and the best spray tan ever. You’ve always been here for each of us with your off-the-wall humor to bring us back up.” Jazzy wraps me up in a hug. “Hell, you taught Lynlee how to give a blow job, and you helped heal my broken heart. You surpass the loveable part. You are our sister.”

  Lynlee adds her arms to the mix and we hug for a very long time, and I know somewhere deep down I need to forgive them and myself for the past. It won’t happen today, and it may not happen tomorrow or in the near future, but it does need to happen. Forgiveness doesn’t come easy, but at some point I can’t be ashamed of myself any longer.

  A tapping sound on the hood pulls all of our attention up. Levi steps out of the SUV to greet Lincoln. His dark hair is a mess. You can tell he just came from the gym in his sweaty workout clothes. We watch in silence as Levi fills him in on everything. The two brothers stand side by side, ready to help fix whatever needs fixing.

  “Levi is way fucking hotter than Lincoln.”

  Jazzy’s voice shocks all of us, and when her words register, we all bust out in laughter.

  “Well, he is. My god, look at his biceps compared to Lincoln’s, and that strong jawline.”
>
  I’ll never admit it, but I might agree with her. She rattles on with her nonsense while Lynlee and I just giggle at her. When she finally takes a breath, I ask her, “Did you just pop a lady boner while sitting in my lap?”

  The two howl in laughter. Lynlee takes my face and directs it toward her instead of the Wilks brothers. “There’s my Jenni, and you can bet your sweet ass we will stand by your side through all this.”

  The stone cold officer joins the men at the front of the vehicle and motions for me. I don’t want to leave. It seems a glimpse of light has made it into everlasting darkness. Even though everything isn’t perfect, I don’t care. Stepping out of this car is going to make everything real.

  Levi nods to us and Lincoln rounds the car, and heading to Lynlee’s side, he pulls her out and wraps her up in his arms. I can hear her sobs wracking her body, and I watch as he gently holds her and kisses the top of her head. My awful words haunt me, and I’m reminded again of how close Danielle and Lynlee were.

  “Let’s go, Jenni.” Levi is out our side of the car waiting for both of us.

  He steps to the side as Jazzy climbs out of the SUV and remains waiting as I pull myself to a standing position. My knees are wobbly and threaten to give out at any minute. Jazzy takes one of my hands and Levi the other. We silently walk up the steps to the building. The officer holds the door open for us, and I notice Lynlee and Lincoln right behind us.

  We wait for several minutes before another officer and a woman in normal clothing greet us. They both introduce themselves, and I find myself going back into my self-induced coma. Lincoln holds tight to Lynlee as he listens, but it’s Levi who steps up and takes all directions. I know I don’t have to listen because he is.

  “I can’t,” Lynlee immediately blurts out.

  “We’ll go. You guys wait here.”

  Levi and Jazzy tighten their grip on my hands, and we follow the officer and the strange lady down a long, dimly-lit corridor. There are several doors on each side; some are open, while others are shut. The overhead lights buzz and conversations linger from some of the offices. We turn down another hallway and enter through swinging doors. The temperature becomes much colder.

  The lady informs us we are entering the room where my aunt is. My pace slows down and I try to dig my heels in; however, Levi and Jazzy don’t accept my hesitation and keep me walking right along.

  “You don’t have a choice.” Levi’s voice echoes in the hallway.

  Rounding the final corner all the walls seems to shrink in on me. The room is tiny and even more dimly lit. Steel covers every surface, and I notice a sink and then a grate in the floor where water and body fluids drain. There’s a smell in the air that offers up a silent promise of heartache.

  The lady begins speaking, and I’m unable to comprehend a word. There’s a table before us, with a light blue blanket covering a body. My aunt’s body. I know it’s her, and the officers know it’s her, but I have to identify her as a formality. I study the outline of her body lying on the cold steel and try hard to make out a piece of her, so when they pull back that sheet the blow won’t be so horrible. Maybe it will soften the blow to my heart?

  I know everyone is staring at me and waiting for an answer, but I don’t know what answer they are expecting. The lady is wearing a large diamond on her ring finger, and I study it as her hand rests on the top of the sheet. She’s ready to pull it down and only waiting on my nod. I give her a nod, but I’m sure it was more of a tremble. The blue sheet glides down the body of the person, and I follow its movement, skipping over the face. The sheet rests at the forearms of the body, and instantly I recognize Danielle’s favorite paisley apron covering her front, and then her charm bracelet I gave her last year on Mother’s day. Howls come from somewhere in the room. The voice is yelling, “No, no, no, no,” and sounds very sad and desperate.

  My heart aches for the person in such despair, but my eyes continue to roam up to Danielle’s lifeless face. She looks like she is sleeping, and the voice filling the room quiet downs a bit. I release the hands holding mine and rush to Danielle’s side. My hands comb through her hair because it was my favorite thing to do growing up. I kiss her cheek, and that’s when I realize it’s my voice screaming.

  Her skin is cold. I grab for her hands, and they, too, are a bit swollen and cold, but I grab on to her and vow to never let go. Running my fingers through her hair over and over, I talk to her just like I would any other time. I want to be with her. I want her to talk back to me.

  The lady and officer ask for an official yes, and I hear Levi speak up, but I don’t let go and I don’t stop talking to her.

  Hands pry me from her and my screams grow louder. Leaving her in the room and on that table is like saying goodbye forever. I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. Jazzy has a water bottle up to my lips and is pushing pills into my mouth. Levi scoops me up into his arms, and I continue to scream and fight to get loose. Finally I give up and just sob into his chest. Loud, ugly tears flow from me as he makes his way back down the hallway. Conversations drift from the office doors as Levi passes, and I die a little on the inside with each of his steps.

  Chapter 16

  The grass is green and the sun is shining brightly in the clear sky. Cheerful birdsongs fill the air, and I sit here empty, staring out my bedroom window. On the day of a funeral, there’s always supposed to be a storm brewing with dark, heavy rainclouds lurking around, mirroring what each griever feels inside. Not today.

  Today I bury my aunt next to her mother, Ladore. To my shock, she had her whole burial planned out and her will down to a fine science. She left everything to me, from the bakery, the coffee shop, her house, her car, and even time-shares. I don’t want any of it. I couldn’t care less about the business and her money, because I only want her back in my life. Jazzy has reassured me this is a normal feeling, and it too shall pass, and one day I’ll deal with her belongings in a way I see fit.

  Jazzy has been by my side through everything. One thing I appreciate is she doesn’t sugarcoat shit and reassures me it will never get easier to live without a loved one, and you never get used to it, but rather go through the actions of day-to-day life with an empty space inside you. She said she still has her empty space inside from the loss of her baby and father, and the only thing that’s helped her function and keep going in life is the love from Levi.

  ***

  I never realized how many friends Aunt Danielle had until the church fills up. Several faces I recognize, and others I don’t, and I’m only to assume they are customers of hers. Vibrant flowers fill the front of the church next to her casket. I read the first few cards, but the task of keeping track became overwhelming.

  “I’ll be right back.” I rise in the family and loved ones’ waiting area and quickly escape, staring down at my patent leather heels the whole way.

  Walking out into the sunshine, I sit on the top step and wonder how I will ever get through my speech. The pastor offered to read her obituary and any write-up the family offered and play the slideshow. My heart told me she deserved so much more, and I wanted to share those memories. It was the least I could for all the countless nights she held my hand and got me through life. I let the sun soak into my skin and try to relax. Moments pass with my eyes closed. The sound of passing traffic, a lawnmower, and some far off birds fill my senses.

  “It’s time, Jenni.”

  Turning back, I see Lynlee standing with the large mahogany door held open. Her hand looks freakishly small compared to the overbearing cast iron handle. I’ve found myself focusing on everything and anything besides the reality I should really be facing. My new hobby is mindlessly staring at odd objects such as the elegant cast iron Lynlee’s hand is on. I think it’s a coping technique, and I know I need to stop, but can’t seem to make myself.

  “They’re just waiting on you, Jenni.”

  I know Lynlee is being polite, and God bless her patience with me, so I throw my right hand up and wait for her to take it. We ma
ke our way back through the church and into the family room. I never let go of her and it’s not an accident.

  “Walk with me,” I whisper into her ear.

  I’m not sure if I can make these next steps on my own and know I’ll need my sisters with me. Lincoln and Levi are pallbearers along with some of Aunt Danielle’s childhood friends. As we exit the room I see them standing next to her casket in the opposite foyer. Each man has a hand on the brass railing, ready to carry her in.

  Hand in hand, the three of us walk side by side down the aisle to the front pew. We remain standing as the music begins and the men carry the casket sprayed in fresh flowers. If I thought I was numb before, I take my place to a faraway land where no emotions can win any battle. Jazzy has been constantly by my side with pills to help me physically get through this. If only they made one to heal a broken heart.

  The girls don’t let go of my hand as we sit, and soon I notice both men taking a seat by their wives. I listen to the pastor give the prayer and begin to speak about being Christian and Christ, but yet again I find my eyes are fixated on the ivory candle atop the piano. I hear the noise, but don’t process any of the words until I hear him speak my name.

  “Jenni, Danielle’s niece, and very favorite person in this world would like to take the time to speak in her aunt’s remembrance today.” The older pastor adjusts his tie as he continues. “I’ve gotten to know Jenni more from the last few days, but I felt like I already knew her from all the stories her aunt told about her. I’m sure several of you heard them as well. She always started out with ‘that darn girl of mine.’”

  The pastor continues to talk as my throat tightens with sheer panic.

  “I can’t do this.”

  Jazzy and Lynlee squeeze my hands tighter and then pull me to a standing position. The pastor is finished speaking and has stepped aside, leaving the podium wide open for me. The silver microphone catches my attention and is my new fixation. The girls guide me to the bottom stair and then nudge me on.