Get Some

by Daniel Birch

  ‘From who?’ asked Mario with a mouth full.

  ‘Fucking Nick, that landscape gardener - y’know, that ex-radio op, talks with a lisp, sounds like fucking Quasimodo – says he saw Tommy going to Emma’s with two other guys, one in a suit and one in a uniform.’

  ‘Ha-ha, yeah, I know him. Fucking slavering bastard he is. Yeah, the suit will be that lawyer fuck,’ added Samson.

  ‘Hmm, I know, it’s winding me up that he’s here, yet I can’t do shit, not yet anyhow. Anyways the point I’m trying to make lads is this - remember the plans I said I could make for the lawyer?’

  Both Mario and Samson looked on. Both stopped chewing their food. There was a silence.

  ‘Yeah, you got it lads. Get it done.’

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Being a lawyer had its perks.

  An invitation to a game of golf was a usual thing in my profession.

  In fact, my employers encouraged me to get a membership with the local golf club to try and mingle with a better standard of client. They knew I loved playing the game as I played with friends from university once a month. The thing is, it really wasn’t me to go to play for work reasons. I always found it hard to hold a convincing shop face, but I guess I had to do my bit for the firm, so I occasionally went and mingled with a few fat cats every once in a while and tried to fit in. It was a good way of bringing work in, I guess, plus I got to kick their arses at golf. I’d heard some people in my line of work let the potential clients win to get on their good side …fuck that.

  I destroyed them every time.

  Today’s invitation came at a good time. I was on a leave of absence from work and Tommy was with Emma at the hospital doing baby stuff. It was only his second day with Emma so, of course, they needed time together, so I had a day to myself. Usually I would not hesitate to accept an invitation for a game with a friend, but it was the man who had invited me that had me perplexed.

  Valukana, the man, was somewhat of a mystery to me. Having been involved with the criminal justice system for a while now, I got to hear a lot of whispers. For example, the small-time chaps who got caught on petty crimes like possession would every now and then say ‘I’m working for the…’ and it was different most times. It could be a ‘such and such family’, it could be ‘the Poles’, ‘the Turks’, or even a ‘crew from Manchester’. It would usually be a load of crap because in reality these small-time guys never knew where it was coming from.

  Every now and then, though, you would see a consistent pattern of bullshit. So when 30 or so people are saying they are dealing with ‘the Russians’ for instance, there just might be a little truth in it.

  I had started hearing a few things about a ‘new crew‘coming to town. Upon my first meeting with Valukana at my office when I gave him the contact number for the passport man, I had received a few invitations to his new casino.

  I ignored them.

  I also had a thank you card, which I presumed was for the passport number I gave him. It seemed I had made an impression on the man. I also knew that he had thrown some business our way. the properties he was investing in were handled by our firm’s commercial property lawyer, for instance, and from what I heard, Valukana had more than a few quid stashed away.

  You know what chit-chat is like, though. By the time it gets to you, you may have the 50th different version of what might have been a 10 percent truth. So when I was told Valukana was an ex-Mafioso, I brushed it off.

  Then again…

  When someone says ‘Yeah, that man’s ok…but I heard he killed somebody once’ it kind of does make you think ‘hmmm’. And I don’t know if its just me, but I kind of can’t help but prejudge someone. I know I shouldn’t. It’s like if someone is charged with murder, people automatically think ‘dodgy fucker’. It’s in our nature, but then sometimes that same dodgy fucker is as innocent and as normal as you or I. But mud sticks, as they say, and when you have that sign on you its hard to shake off.

  Declining such a nice offer from the man made me feel bad at first. I just got the whiff of some weird underling issue Valukana had. Maybe he wanted to be friends with me somehow, but for what and why? Something was rotten in Denmark for sure, so I took the coward’s way out and called my secretary at the office and asked her to call him saying I was unfortunately engaged. Sorted right?

  Wrong.

  I had spent most of my morning in the gym. I love to keep fit. On that morning I had split my workout into two parts. It was important not to over-train or work too many muscle groups, so I’d decided to do half-an-hour’s cardio and an hour on my legs. I had crap legs - my knees were knobbly and no matter what I did, I think a sparrow’s legs looked beefier than mine. But still I tried…in vain.

  I had just started on the legs when my phone rang. My ring tone which seemed to echo in the weights room was greeted by looks of disgust by the other gym members. After all, mobile phones were supposed to be left in the lockers or switched off. I also think that having the song ‘Gay Bar’ as my ring tone might have been the reason

  I was looked at funny, not that I’m gay or have anything against gay people. It was a private joke because a friend at the office went to a gay bar and I made fun of him because he got embarrassed easily (yes, I am evil). I played the tune on my phone when I walked past him at work and it annoyed him. Yes – I’m a child.

  Anyways I picked up the call and walked out of the weights room into a quiet corridor. It was a private number and I figured it might be a client. It wasn’t.

  ‘Hello,’ I said as I crouched down to take a breather from my monster workout.

  ‘Hello, Joey.’

  I recognised the voice. ‘Fuck, its Valukana,’ I thought as I prepared my shop voice.

  ‘Hey, hello there. Did you get my message. Would have loved to have played today but you know how it is, busy-busy-busy, ha-ha!’ (My fake laugh even irritated me).

  The phone went silent but Valukana was still listening.

  ‘Hello? You there?’

  ‘I’m here Joey, busy-busy, hmm. The thing is, Joey, you passed me in your car earlier. You see, I deliver certain packages to your gym. Some men like aid in their quest to keep fit.’

  ‘Yeah, the roids, eh? I get it. Look, is it Mr Valukana or just Valukana? I…er ….’

  ‘Just Valukana, Joey, just Valukana.’

  ‘Ok, let’s start over. Just hear me out here because, despite what you may think, I am not an ignorant man. First off, I know - ok I don’t know but I’ve heard - that you are kind of a bit of a gangster, and I am a lawyer, get my drift? I just know these types of things. I’ve been in the system a few years and I’ve heard of these wise guys who are all up and tight with their lawyers. The thing is, the lawyer ends up either vanished or discredited and, quite frankly, I’ve worked too damn hard to end up that way. I know you’re being friendly but seriously, man, I just keep myself to myself, y’know?’

  ‘I understand Joey. What’s the other thing?’

  ‘Ha, well secondly is you just fucking scare me dude. Seriously!’

  ‘I scare you, Joey?’

  ‘Yes. I mean, you’re ok ’n’ all but, I don’t know, you’re just, there’s just a fucking coldness there, dude, and it fucking freaks me out.’

  Laughing hard down the phone Valukana couldn’t contain his amusement.

  ‘I can’t believe you, Joey, I scare you. I tell you what, Joey; you have the scariest weapon a man could have.’

  ‘And what would that be - my briefcase?’

  ‘It’s your mind, Joey. The number one weapon anywhere, everywhere, is the human mind.’

  ‘Well, I don’t feel like that to be honest, but thanks, ha.’

  ‘Joey, it is no big deal. The man you helped - with the passport – his family are of major importance to me. You helped him. You then sent the money I gave you to the hospital for children. You are different. Look, Joey, I have dealt with many lawyers - some corrupt, some not so corrupt - but you are the first not to want my money
, or any taste of my money, and I hear you’re from the street. You have morals and you have balls, those qualities, my friend, money cannot buy. I’m just new to the area here, Joey. I have been trying to learn golf but I am useless at it. I thought with you being a lawyer and with the few golfing pics on your office wall, then the least I could do was invite you for a game. I won’t be talking shop, Joey, and it would be just two guys whacking a golf club, I assure you. I am being honest.’

  ‘Man, I really feel like shit now.’

  ‘Don’t, Joey, it’s ok. You are just careful who you’re friends with – a problem we share in fact.’

  ‘Yeah, ok, fuck it. You know what? It’d be good for me. Where are we playing?’

  ‘Well, I have just secured 5 memberships at the …errrm … ok, here it is …. and the memberships are for The Alwoodley Golf Club, at a place called Wigton Moor in Leeds. I hear it’s the business, Joey, but haven’t been there myself yet.’

  ‘Are you kidding? Valukana, there are regular tournaments there. They host county and national competitions. I think it has a 5 star rating with Golf World too. How in fuck’s name did you get a membership there? I heard the waiting list was two years.’

  ‘Ha-ha, Joey…it is five memberships, and Joey, you want to know how I got them?’

  ‘Er, that’s a no. I’d rather not.’

  Chapter Twenty Five

  ‘No, no, no, you don’t hold it like that. Come here.’

  There was something weird about him, he was icy.

  Standing behind me, he helped me to adjust my arms and posture.

  ‘You grab it with two hands, back straight, keep it steady, aim for your target, remember to breathe, exhale as you see the shot…’

  It certainly was helpful advice, because I shot straight onto the green.

  ‘You see, Joey, it’s all about concentration, always, my friend.’

  I couldn’t believe it. Valukana was amazing at golf. There was no way he was learning to play like he had told me over the phone. As it turns out, Valukana had played some of the best courses the world had to offer.

  ‘So, come on, how long?’

  ‘How long what?’

  ‘How long have you been playing? I can’t believe I took all that in about you being a learner and all. You had me there, and here was me thinking I would be taking another scalp today. Damn I’ll be lucky to finish par with you.’

  ‘Ha, Joey, an old saying goes ‘When you’re weak, act strong; when you’re strong, act weak’. It was all an act. I had to have you thinking you were at some advantage, had to boost your ego, I had to get you here.’

  The way Valukana seemed to want to be around me still had me wondering about his intentions. I kept my eyes on him. I watched him as he watched me. He seemed to be trying to suss me out, but why?’

  ‘I am in need Joey.’

  There it was.

  ‘In need of what?’ I asked as I looked at him. I wasn’t being played by him, even if his ice-like eyes seemed to be looking straight through me, seeing my insides curl.’

  ‘You see, I need another identity. I have only been in this country for, ooh what, about a month. There are people who would like to find me, Joey. I need to start afresh.’

  Ok, this wasn’t too bad. I had the thought that he was after me cleaning some money for him. There was no fucking way I was doing that. By cleaning money I mean money laundering. Wise guys, gang types, whatever you want to call them, they were always approaching people to try and launder their money, people like me. There were certain ways of doing it, but like I said, there was no fucking way. A new identity didn’t seem so bad, as long as it was legal.

  ‘Have you spoken to the police? There are ways of doing it all legal, you know. It doesn’t have to be cloak and dagger all the time.’

  ‘But it does, Joey. Look, I am going to be straight with you. Your guy, the guy whose number you gave to me, he has helped me with a new passport.’

  Passing his new passport over I saw his new name, impressive, he sounded like a villain out of a movie.

  ‘Hmm, interesting name. So, you have the passport. What more do you need?’

  ‘I need a background, Joey, a legitimate background. I am going into business, as your firm has seen. I have put all the new businesses into my new name, but I need to create a history, a track record, so that if anyone looks into it, it will seem that I have been here in this country for a while and that I am a legitimate businessman.’

  ‘But that is easy,’ I chuckled, and it was. You didn’t have to do much in this day and age to change your past, especially in the age of computers and computer hacking. Ok, I know this was illegal, but I felt like helping him.

  ‘Don’t you see, Joey? That is why I need you. I haven’t got an idea how to do such things, I…’

  I had to stop him in his tracks, I wanted to help but there was no way I was compromising myself or my career, no matter what he threw in front of me.

  ‘Look, I can show you the way. I can show you. I have no problem with that. After that you’re on your own. I will take you to some people who can go through the process, show you the wheres, the whats, and the what ifs on the computers and so on, but then you and them have to do it all. You have to do what you do, and it will have nothing to do with me. Once you are introduced, it’s you and them. Agreed?’

  Walking over to me, he looked as icy as ever, serious, like he was going to kill me. What had I said?

  I held my 9 iron tight and got ready to bash him with it. He extended his arm and offered his hand, which I shook.

  ‘Joey, you are helping to save my life. I will not tell you why, but you are. I would give you money, lots of money, if I thought you would accept it. Instead I can only offer my gratitude and my loyalty which, for me, is a thing which I don’t give easily. I promise you, you will not regret this. I will not bother or burden you, but if you want to come play golf, hang out or whatever, then that would be great. In the next few months I also have a casino opening. I hope you would honour me to be there on opening night. You could bring your wife. I would love to meet her.’

  ‘She’s a bitch.’

  ‘Ha-ha, aren’t they all, my friend? I bet she’s a ball breaker though, isn’t she? Come on you can tell me.’

  We laughed and chatted as we went round the course.

  In fact it was a great day. Valukana never talked shop again for the rest of the day.

  We just played, just two guys having a game.

  Afterwards I called some people who called some people.

  Valukana had his meeting set. He was getting his new background. As I drove home listening to power rock ballads, I started to wonder how a man could be so desperate to erase his past. I guess it was a question that I really did not want to know. I knew the man but I didn’t want to become his friend and, as much as the day had gone well, as much as I had surprisingly enjoyed Valukana’s company, there was no getting away from the fact that this day had been, and was, just business.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  I knew that Emma would never pressure me to tell her what went on over there. That’s just her. She would never ask me to do something I didn’t want to do, but I wanted to. We shared everything and I think the success of our relationship has always been built on complete openness.

  I remember when we first started going steady. I told her about all the shit I was into, the illegal shit, everything.

  It’s not that she didn’t care. Quite the opposite. She wanted me to see what I was doing with my own eyes and she never quit on me. I thank God she didn’t. Many others would have ran for the hills if their boyfriend had come back in the middle of the night covered in someone else’s blood, and that’s exactly what happened one night a few years ago.

  It was the day I got my ‘bones’.

  The term ‘bones’ or ‘getting your bones’ was used as a way to describe somebody getting their first kill in the game. I got mine, not that I ever wanted them but, as they say, stay in the ga
me long enough, you’ll either get your bones or be someone else’s.’

  The day I killed Lee Redman was a turning point for me. I started to see how the game had affected me, affected my judgment, but most of all how the game moulds you into what it wants. The game is the game, and you either play or you get played, smoke or get smoked.

  Owing a decent amount of money to some not so decent characters is enough to get you killed in the circles I was in. Lee Redman owed 25Gs - that’s 25 thousand. Word is he had taken a loan from X Company for his much doomed pawn shop. The thing is, it was a good idea and, if he had had some business sense, it would have made money. I mean, this is Hull for fuck sakes, everyone is skint and always looking to sell shit.

  The thing is he did the worst thing ever, he loaned money out, and like I say – this is Hull.

  Redman had word that X Company had sent a guy to ‘see’ him. He wasn’t stupid. Redman knew he was either going to get one more chance or be wearing concrete pumas by the week’s end.

  Now, when all this shit was happening, I was on leave from the army. I still had my connections on the street while I was away, and I had a few businesses I had pieces of, I had a few stalls on a few markets. I also had a piece of two newsagents. They didn’t make huge money but were a steady income all the same, an income I could’ve lived on if I had needed to.

  Now the thing with Redman and me started out ok. I had got him some tills for his shop, not your crappy old ding-ding tills either, they were proper electronic tills that the supermarkets have. I had known a guy who knew a guy and I got a good deal. I sold them to Redman and he had promised to send the money in the post to Emma. That was it - it was only 300 quid so I wasn’t chasing him. I had gone to his shop that day because he had been rude to Emma. I wasn’t going there to kill him, not at all.

  Emma had bumped into Redman in the supermarket with Sarah. Emma, being the friendly girl she is, noticed Redman and asked him how he was. Now she didn’t know anything about our business together, she was just being friendly. Redman told her to fuck off and to tell me I wasn’t getting a penny because the business had gone under.