BLOOD DRUGS TEA (A Dark Comedy Novel)

by Saunders, Craig

  Outside Pill said to me, “Cor what a piece of fluff eh?” and ran a hand through his short hair.

  “Out of your league I’m afraid, Pill boy.” I said. Harry, Joe and Reb walked around the corner. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the same someone watching us. It was the flash of red that gave it away. I wondered who would be out watching us on such a cold night. It was us that did the watching. I tried to crane my head around to look over surreptitiously but I couldn’t quite see who it was without being obvious.

  Someone was following us or following the aerobics instructor. I turned to confront them but as I moved the flash of red retracted round the side of the hall. I walked around it and saw them running.

  If someone was running away from me they must have had a pretty good reason. I gave chase. “Come on!” I yelled at the gang. Joe, Pill and Reb just stood dumbly but Harry followed me. I didn’t have the time or the need to explain.

  We ran down the road following a girl in a red coat – I could tell it was a woman now. It looked like a mac. It was shiny.

  She ducked down an alley and I slipped on a little patch of ice. Just a little bit. I righted myself and made to hurry after the receding red coat but I heard a crash and a cry from behind me and I turned my attention round. Harry lay sprawled on the floor behind me. She’d tumbled over on the patch of ice and was holding her ankle and grimacing in pain.

  “Go on, you’ll lose them,” she said. I looked over my shoulder. The girl in the coat had already gone. I walked back to where Harry was laying and reached out taking her ankle gently in my hands. “Are you alright?” I asked solicitously.

  “Sprained my stupid ankle, I think.” She winced to make her point.

  “Come on. I’ll get you back to the others. We’ll get the bus back. Let me carry you.”

  I bent over and picked her up. As I did I felt something go pop in my back. I flopped onto the floor beside her. She looked at me with concern etched on her face.

  I grimaced.

  “What’s the matter?” she said.

  “I think I’ve just prolapsed a disk.”

  “Poor baby,” she said.

  We walked back. She hobbled. I walked doubled over.

  “What happened to you?” said Joe, ignoring Harry’s obvious limp. He made no move toward Harry but Pill took her arm so she could stand up. Reb offered me an arm. I didn’t take it.

  “I committed Harry Carry,” I said.

  “Shouldn’t you be dead then?”

  “Yes, well, but it wasn’t as full on as the Japanese version. It was ritual mutilation, but with an English bent.”

  Reb sighed and looked concerned for me. It was sweet really, having an admirer. I wondered if Harry felt that way about me. Sweet. I wasn’t sure I could take the condescension. I determined to be a bit nicer to Reb in future. Unrequited love could be hard on a man.

  We went back home, the wounded on the buses. I wondered who the girl we chased was and what she was doing at aerobics. It was a question for another day. I throbbed all the way back home.

  *

  We got back to mine at nine o’clock. I had some dihydrocodeine and so did Harry. I got her a bag of peas for her foot. I wanted a hot water bottle but I didn’t have one. It’s too girly.

  Pill rolled, Reb put the kettle on and I sank into the sofa with a sigh of relief. The sofa was chintzy and I didn’t care. At that point in time it was the most comfortable sofa I’d ever sat on. We settled down for the night. I set aside any worries about the dead girl for my more immediate concerns about my state of health. A good smoke would set me right.

  On the telly the Ray Winston was on in some film about gangsters.

  “I love the name Ray. It should be used for girls. It’s a good quality name,” said Harry.

  “Sorry love, but the name Ray and the word quality are mutually exclusive,” said Joe.

  “Well, I think it’s a beautiful name,” said Harry, dreamily staring at the television. Joe raised his eyebrows in distain as Reb opened his mouth to ask, “What, Ray?”

  “No,” said Harry, turning toward me. “Raymond. I think it’s from the French or something…light of the world? I bet it’s something like that.”

  “Shut up you dizzy bint…” Joe glared. Harry didn’t seem put out that he’d just called her a bint. I guessed she was used to it. If she were my girlfriend I’d call her buttercup and drink camomile tea with her. Well, maybe the tea was taking it too far.

  Joe sighed loudly. “I don’t get you, Harry. But then if men and women were meant to be the same we’d all be called ‘menwomen’ or something.”

  “So,” Pill said, timing perfect as ever. “What do we know?” The tea came in with Reb.

  “Well,” said Reb, “we know she was a bit of a fibber. Telling her boyfriend she was going to aerobics when she wasn’t.”

  “Yep,” I said. “And she kept her habit a secret from everyone around her.”

  This elicited murmurs from my friends.

  “What did you think of James Tamerlain, Pill?” Joe looked to Pill, waiting for an answer. He seemed better tonight. I guessed he must have been OK for Harry to let him out.

  “I thought he was a dick but no killer. He doesn’t seem the type. He’s a bit of a nerd, actually. I couldn’t see what a fit young lass like Tracey would have to do with him.”

  “What was your impression of him then?” Joe asked me.

  “I thought he was a bit of a momma’s boy,” I replied. “Harry?”

  “He sounds it.” Her ankle was swelling up nicely. My back throbbed. I knew it would pass though. At least, I was fairly sure it would pass. What was I thinking? Trying to pick Harry up. Like I was some kind of knight in shining armour. It would’ve been nice to manage it. She must have thought I was such a wimp.

  “So we’re all agreed then. What do we know?” I asked.

  “Well, what we don’t know is easier,” said Reb. “We still don’t know where she went for three hours, we don’t know what she did on Thursdays and we don’t know who the girl was we chased tonight. There’s an awful lot we don’t know.”

  “Yep, he’s right. I think we should call it a night though and start again in the morning. Reb and Pill have work tomorrow so they can’t come over. Will you be alright?” Harry put her half drunk tea down.

  “Yep, I’ll be fine. What about you?”

  “Yeah, no problem, it’s just a bit swollen. Joe can’t come tomorrow he’s got to go pick up his unemployment cheque. I’ll come over for lunch though.”

  “What about your foot?”

  “I’ll get a taxi. Don’t worry about it. You need someone to look after you. You’re in a far worse state than I am.”

  I could barely move and I wasn’t going to argue. If I had my way I’d have Harry give me a soap-down every day.

  “Goodnight, everybody.” I spread my goodnights thin. I can’t be doing with any Little House on the Prairie shit.

  They all made their goodbyes and left me alone with my embarrassment and pain. I watched the film to its bloody conclusion.

  *

  I have another couple of joints and watched the last half of Newsnight. I smoked right down to the roaches and coughed, full of phlegm. I smoked cigarettes in between and didn’t even consider trying to move off the couch. I spent some time thinking about the case but didn’t really get anywhere past Tracey’s boyfriend and her little indiscretion. She’d been almost as good at keeping secrets as me. Thursday night was the key. If I could find out what she was doing Thursday night it would all fall into place. At least that was the plan, but the best laid plans of mice and men and however that goes.

  I was sure I should be performing great leaps of deductive reasoning but all I could think of was Harry coming over for lunch.

  I didn’t sleep much. TV was boring and my eyes got sore. Eventually morning would come.

  *

  Tuesday

  11. Girl Action

  I finally went off around four. I got up late.r />
  I remembered Harry was coming over for lunch and dashed out to the shops to get some food in. I say dashed, but in reality I took a taxi to the local Sainsbury’s and back and hobbled round as best as I could. The day before I had a bottle of Stella and two boiled eggs in the fridge. I did a fair sized shop and had two carrier bags full of goodies to last me the week. I refuse to go shopping more than once a week. The most I’ll do is stop in the local corner shop for milk. The realisation hurts me but I’m really quite lazy.

  My back throbbed all the way around the supermarket and I felt elated and miserable at the same time.

  I had time to brush my teeth when I came back. I didn’t have to brush my hair as there’s no style to it anyway. It just sticks up where it likes and doesn’t fall out. I figure it’s a pretty decent bargain. I’m only thirty-three though, so maybe it’ll get me later. Not that I’m worried about going bald or anything. The amount of drugs I smoke will probably make me impotent before I have to worry about baldness.

  I lit a cigarette. I blew warm smoke at the yellowed ceiling rose and opened a window. It had turned into a glorious winter’s day, the sun shone bright and proud low in the sky and I could see it from my window. It was still cold enough out for a coat. I made a wish upon the first star of the day.

  After I smoked my cigarette Harry still hadn’t turned up so I got up and made my way gingerly to the kitchen where I prepared lunch. I made a lunch of bierwurst and peppered salami, some Parma ham and pickled red cabbage, Bavarian cheese, French bread, and two pints of a dark chocolaty stout – room temperature. I waited for Harry to turn up before pouring the stout. Everything else I took into the front room on my best tray. It was my only tray.

  I should really get some form of dinning table for eating posh, but then I eat alone most of the time and the couch usually suffices for me.

  Harry came round at eleven thirty. She looked absolutely stunning in a long overcoat and a pair of tight, worn jeans. Her feet even looked cute in a pair of white trainers, Nikes. I love girls in trainers. Especially girls in trainers that don’t actually do any exercise. We walked up the stairs to the front room where lunch was waiting on the coffee table. I stopped off in the kitchen on the way and plucked the two bottles of stout from the worktop.

  The telly was on low in the background and smoke still drifted in lazy swirls on the air. We sat before saying anything. I winced as I sat down, putting a hand out to steady myself as I sat. Harry limped.

  “You look tired. Hard night?” she said as an opener.

  “Yeah, I didn’t sleep very well. Cheese before bed perhaps. How’s your ankle?”

  “Not too bad. It’s a bit swollen. How’s your back?”

  “It’s been better but I’m getting about OK,” I lied. I was trying to be tough for her. I figured tough guys were her type. They must be. After all, Joe was just about as tough as they come. A real man. Who was I kidding?

  I’d put a dampener on my spirits just thinking about it. Lunch wasn’t going well already.

  Harry stopped me from getting maudlin. She didn’t seem to sense my discomfort caused by my own mental ramblings.

  “Anyway, what about this crime? What do you think?” she asked, taking a lump of Bavarian cheese. She thanked me for lunch and set about eating it with a fervour that was almost religious.

  I pulled myself together. I decided to make the most of having Harry all to myself and stop worrying about Joe. He could look after himself. Harry was mine for now.

  I looked her in the eye. “I think we’ve got a very canny girl. She manages to carry on behind her boyfriend’s back with this dork James Tamerlain, and tells her boyfriend she’s off at aerobics twice a week while she’s doing god knows what, and nobody knows where she was for three hours on the night she died. There’s definitely something we’re missing here.”

  I poured the stout. Harry ate some pickle with her fingers. Her fingers turned red. I’d put a fork on the plate. I took a long sip of my stout. It was good.

  She took off her shoes and started into lunch again. She ate ravenously. She ate with a passion I’d rarely seen her show with Joe. It was a waste. I wanted to ask her what she was doing with him but I just couldn’t bring myself to bring it up.

  “Well, how do we find out where she was?”

  “Well, my guess is the girl we chased last night has some answers.”

  “How do we find her?”

  “I don’t know.” I sighed. “Something’s got to break soon. We’re not getting anywhere and there’s not really enough to go on.”

  “Well, you’re the boss. You must have some ideas?”

  “We could go and hang around the aerobics class, hoping she’d show up but I doubt she’ll come within a mile of us again. If she doesn’t want to be found she won’t be. What do you think, anyway?”

  “I think she was probably a bit more than her boyfriend could handle. She’d been keeping a big secret from him with no problem. What other secrets was she keeping?”

  “You mean the drugs?”

  “Yeah. I mean, she’d been a heavy user for years. How do you keep something like that a secret from your boyfriend? Work colleagues, friends maybe, but not your boyfriend.”

  “It’s strange, alright.” I took another sip of my stout. I’d barely touched lunch but Harry was just about polishing hers off. I wondered again about the three hours. Perhaps she’d gone to score.

  “Anyway, I think we’re going to be stuck unless Johnny or Harvey can tell us something.”

  “You think they’re faring any better than we are?”

  “It’s still early days yet.”

  We lapsed into comfortable silence for a minute. Harry smacked her lips and thanked me for lunch. I decided to broach the subject of Joe. I’d only worry about him. I didn’t really like talking about Joe but Harry seemed troubled. It seemed like the gentlemanly thing to do. You know, girls like to talk about their woes. I could be a good listener.

  “How’re things with Joe? Is he OK?”

  “Yeah, but it’s a struggle. You know we argue all the time…”

  “I had noticed.”

  “…but it’s getting more and more difficult to keep up with his black moods. He’s always been bordering on psychotic but he’s getting worse.”

  It was unusual for Harry to speak about her relationship with Joe. Perhaps she was getting tired of waiting for sanity to hit her boyfriend. I felt slightly bad about wishing they would break up. I’m sure Joe wouldn’t fare too well without anyone to care for him.

  “How are you coping?”

  “To be honest I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.”

  Joe be damned. My heart soared.

  “Really?” was all I could stomach saying. It was the first time Harry had ever come close to speaking like this. It felt somewhat wrong but if she wanted to talk who was I to stop her? I was just being a good friend really.

  “Yeah. Sorry. I know you don’t want to hear this. I know Joe’s your friend.” She looked down and tired. I was upset that I’d only just noticed this. Here was the woman I love in pain and I hadn’t had the foresight to ask her what was wrong. One of the downfalls of being a man I suppose. I could get to the nitty-gritty of a crime but my perception was all awry when it came to matters of the heart.

  “No, not at all. I want to hear. You’re my friend just as much as Joe is. Maybe more.” I couldn’t say more than that. “Joe’s not an easy man to be friends with. When the mood’s upon him he’s next to impossible.”

  “It’s just he’s so hard to cope with. He comes out with weird stuff that I just don’t understand. He scares me sometimes. He talks about the police being after him and I don’t know why he would think that. He says the police are broadcasting messages for him on the telly. And then when he’s feeling better he says it was just the black dog talking. I could never live with him. I’d end up looking after him. It’s no relationship at all. It’s not good for me. There. I’ve said it.”


  “Well,” I said to stall for time. I really had no idea what to say. My heart was hammering in my chest. Harry looked a little flustered too. “Is it getting any worse?”

  “I don’t know. It seems to be going on for longer this time. Sometimes he’s just funny for hours. He’s been funny for days this time. I’m scared of him and I’m scared for him. He must be terrified.”

  “It must be bad for him to confide in you.”

  “Well, most of the time he’s taciturn in the extreme, but when he talks like this he’s like a baby. It’s like all his strength drains from him. The worst thing is I don’t know what he’d do without me.”

  “Perhaps that’s not the best reason for staying with him.”

  “Perhaps not.” She looked at me thoughtfully. “What do you think I should do?”

  Leave him, my heart screamed at me. “I think you should think long and hard about what you do. I don’t think you should be with someone who scares you.”

  “No, maybe not.” She sighed and set her empty plate aside. She ate like a horse, a dainty horse. I wondered why she never put weight on. But then I don’t either. We were alike in so many ways.

  “I mean, he’s a big boy. I’m sure he’d be able to manage on his own. God knows he got on fine before you came along.”

  “Yeah, but he’s just so weak now. I don’t think I could leave him when he’s like this.” She laughed. “Hark at me. Talking about leaving him. What a heartless hussy I am.”

  “I don’t think you’re heartless at all.”

  She looked at me in a way that made me uncomfortable.

  “No, I’m sure you don’t think that at all.”

  I looked away. After that, Harry and I watched the news in companionable silence. There didn’t seem to be anything more to say on the matter. She seemed happy with the silence and I didn’t want to push it. I figured if she was going to ever split up with Joe – they’d been together now for two, hard, years – that I’d be the first to know. I couldn’t push it.

  Our little crime didn’t warrant a slot on the national news, although on the local news there was a small snippet saying that the police were doing a reconstruction of the night in question to see if it jogged any memories. I knew there was no one there so I didn’t see the point of it. In this day and age you’d think the police would have better things to do with their few available resources.