‘Besides,’ said Tark, ‘President Obama has been re-elected, and he knows us!’
‘Not to mention his friend Madonna!’ smirked Wanda.
‘I love Madonna,’ said Number 12. ‘She can have a free ride on my hump any day!’
‘Don’t be rude!’ said Wanda.
Number 12 looked confused, but just let it pass.
What Alexander had planned as a Welcome Home Party turned out to be yet another bon voyage for Tiger and the Crew. He had decked out the greenhouse in soft, blinking lights – solar, of course, and left over from Christmas, but they were the best he could do on short notice, which it always was, when Tiger, Wanda, and the others had returned from assignment.
Myrtle Gower from Next Door had directed her husband Bradley to give their dogs, Tony and Cleo, a tea-tree oil shampooing and instruct them to be on their best behavior or they would have to go home. Tony liked the tea-tree treatment because it soothed his skin, but Cleo put up stiff resistance to the tin bathtub because she thought it was beneath her station ever since Myrtle had bathed her as a pup in their proper ceramic tub inside the house. Meanwhile, Myrtle made homemade dips, since she could not trust Alexander to buy proper ones fit for inter-galactic royalty such as Prince and Eudora. And of course, she baked an especially rich version of her Greenhouse Ginger Cheesecake since she’d also invited the Prime Minister to attend.
‘Don’t you think you should tell Alexander that the PM might be coming?’ Bradley mumbled, as he toweled down the ungrateful Cleo. ‘After all, it is his house we’re going to.’
‘It’s in the greenhouse,’ Myrtle said, splitting hairs. ‘Since we launched the Project there with Eudora and Prince, I’ve thought of it as neutral ground, a kind of sacred place for all of us.’
When she did finally tell Alexander what was up, he simply shrugged. He was so used to surprises from Myrtle by now, and he was so happy to have Tiger back, if only for a brief time, that he couldn’t be bothered worrying about who else might be coming.
As it happened, the PM’s stretch limo arrived at Greenhouse Place just as the procession of frogs was weaving its way across the intersection from the park. It took several minutes for the parade to finish, after which the PM’s car slowly trailed up the street to Alexander’s house. Just as they made it up to the driveway, Eudora landed on the car and gave its occupants a hard stare through the windscreen. Ever so briefly, the windscreen seemed to sizzle before returning to its solid state.
Alexander had put on a fresh shirt for the occasion, and even thought about putting on a tie, but that’s as far as he got – thinking about it.
‘Never mind,’ Tiger said, already sniffing at Myrtle’s salmon dip. ‘Until she signs up for the Project, she can take you as she sees you.’
It was a tight squeeze, but most of the frogs managed to fit either on the ledge of the bright red spa or in the pot plants lining the greenhouse.
Syd made himself at home on Alexander’s shoulder just before Eudora did the same on Bradley’s. Bradley was so surprised by this that he lifted a hand as if to swat Eudora off, but the hand froze in mid-swat.
‘I wouldn’t do that, if I were you,’ Eudora said to Bradley, giving him an even harder stare than he had to the PM’s car. ‘You might pull a muscle!’
Sure enough, Tiger could see a beam of light grazing across Bradley’s arm, after which he winced in pain.
With a wilting smile, Bradley let his arm drop to his side. ‘The thought never crossed my mind,’ he said, rubbing his arm. ‘Hope you’re comfy up there!’
As the PM got out of the car, Tiger’s jaw dropped. ‘That’s not the PM,’ he said. ‘That’s a man. Our PM is a woman!’
‘Sorry,’ piped up Flute. ‘There was an election, and the one you mean is out.’
‘But I liked Julia,’ pouted Tiger.
Prince shrugged. ‘One politician is very much like another, so, if you want the other one, I’m sure it can be arranged.’
He nodded to Tark, who flicked his toe at the PM. Then and there, the PM changed into a woman.
‘Thanks, Tark,’ said Tiger. ‘That’s more like it!’
The new – or rather old, but not really old, but rather female – PM came in just then, followed closely by two burly bodyguards.
‘My, my,’ she said, extending a hand to Alexander. ‘Thanks for having me back. It’s... cosy in here.’
‘She thinks it’s crowded,’ Tiger said under his breath to Tark, forgetting for an instant that the PM wouldn’t understand him.
‘I can make it bigger,’ Tark said, extending his magic toe. ‘But the hedge Next Door would have to go.’
‘Better leave it,’ said Wanda. ‘Those bodyguards are probably packing big guns!’
The PM spotted Prince and gave him a slight bow. ‘Your... highness,’ she said. ‘Is that what I should be calling you?’
‘Prince is fine, Prime Minister,’ said Prince.
‘Oh, call me Julia,’ laughed the PM. ‘All my friends do. And, come to think of it, my many opponents do, too. But not as nicely.’
Prince took it all in. ‘Julia, may I introduce Eudora, our Supreme Commander and First Delegate to Inter-Galactic Command?’
Eudora dug her claws deeper and deeper into Bradley’s shoulder until he got the hint and shuffled over to the PM at which point Eudora extended a regal wing to her.
‘We were on the very best of terms with the previous PM,’ Eudora said, ‘And hope to be with the next one. I trust it will be the same with you.’
The PM seemed to stiffen slightly but then relaxed. ‘Be assured of that,’ she said.
Tiger found it all a bit confusing, even though he’d asked to have Julia back. If she was the past, even though she was the present, too, what did that make the future PM – annoyed?
Glancing around, the PM spotted Myrtle.
‘You must be Mrs Gower,’ she said. ‘I’ve heard so much about you and your fabulous cheesecakes.’
‘The way to a woman’s heart,’ Tiger whispered to Tark, ‘is through her cheesecake!’
Myrtle smiled and cocked her head a bit. ‘Thank you... Julia. Then you must know why I make all these cheesecakes.’
‘Yes,’ said the PM. ‘It’s all about this Project Earth-mend, isn’t it. Raising funds?’
‘And awareness,’ said Myrtle. ‘The previous PM was very supportive.’
‘As anyone with sense would be,’ said the PM quickly. ‘And how many cheesecakes did he buy on his visits?’
‘Two or three at a time,’ said Myrtle.
‘Then I’ll have four – no, make that six,’ laughed the PM. ‘Not good for my waistline, but I have very hungry staff members, or at least I did before... now what was that I was thinking of?’
‘Nothing important,’ said Tark.
The PM scratched her head. ‘Well, I’m sure it won’t go to waist!’
Her bodyguards laughed on cue and were quickly joined by a chorus of titters from the frogs after Prince let out a chuckle.
The PM was icing sugar in Myrtle’s hands after that. Not only did she place a standing order for six Greenhouse Ginger Cheesecakes a week, she promised to cut through as much red tape as possible to double the country’s renewable energy sources within five years.
‘We did well, didn’t we?’ Alexander asked Tiger, after she had left, following her bodyguards with their stacks of cheesecakes. ‘Or rather, Myrtle, Prince and Eudora did.’
‘Hey, don’t forget my contribution,’ Tiger said, carefully licking the last bits of salmon dip off his whiskers. ‘I gave her the hard stare, so what choice did she have?’
‘Only trouble is,’ said Wanda, ‘she’s not PM anymore. Maybe we should have let the real one in.’
Prince smiled. ‘We can time travel into the future as well as the past. Give it time.’
Confusing or not, they had to agree it was a great way to start the push toward the Big Apple.
in which a polar bear skids onside
With the
Abell 2218s possibly regrouping, there would be no time to waste, so Tark made it clear they would have to be ready to go at first light. Number 12, who had, in his own words, to just ‘hang around’ the greenhouse all night because he was too big to fit inside, was the first to report for duty to the teleportation pad near the Sacred Pool.
Tiger could have been there first, since he was up at the crack of dawn, but then he got distracted by YouTube videos of New York City, especially the delis he could see on almost every street corner and the wonderful food they offered. There wasn’t a skinny street cat in sight.
Once they were on board the Teleportation Module, a dream came true for Tiger: Tark at last agreed to let him set the coordinates for their trip – with careful oversight.
Tark had warned them that this trip would take much longer than their usual time travels in Australia but not quite as long as the episode when they set off for the Gulf to cheer on the whales as they stoppered up the big oil leak. As far as Tiger was concerned, there were only long trips and short trips, but even a long trip would be over in no time when he was at the Module’s controls.
Wanda curled up in a ball, after making it clear that she planned to sleep through the whole trip if possible. Number 12 had loaded up his iPod with the complete Ring Cycle, which he listened to through noise reduction headphones to take his mind off his fear of flying, or, in the case of teleportation, the thought that his hooves were no longer firmly planted on the ground. He was so enthralled by the music that he didn’t notice Syd perching first on one leg, then the other, on his hump.
Tark, who, like most Griffs, never slept much anyway, and only then not to be bored when everyone else was asleep, stayed wide awake to ensure Tiger kept them firmly on course.
Then, just like that, they had arrived. As the Module’s protective shield dissolved, Tiger had to squint at the bright light. It was from the sun glancing off the white ground that seemed to be everywhere.
‘Why is the Big Apple so... white?’ he asked, before stepping out onto the white ground and slipping this way and that before crashing down in a heap. ‘And it’s cold,’ he said, tapping the ground and finding that it gave way under his paw.
Number 12, who was keen to be anywhere at that moment but aboard the Teleportation Module, followed him out onto the white, also slipping, also falling into a heap, except that his heap had his back at the bottom, and his legs thrashing every which way like a dung beetle.
‘I know what this white is,’ Wanda announced, following them carefully. ‘It’s snow. You’ll see it in Canberra, Tiger, if you live there long enough.’
‘I... knew that,’ said Tiger, suddenly remembering snow from Alexander’s TV programs and videos, but of course, it was rather different feeling something under your paws than seeing it on a screen.
‘SKIING TIME!!’ Syd declared, zipping along in mid-air and then coming in for a skid as he landed.
‘I don’t get it,’ said Tiger, scratching his head. ‘Since when are apples white?’
Tark smiled. ‘We’re not in New York... yet. Lots of places to go, things to do, first.’
They followed Syd as he careened down a slope and then suddenly disappeared from sight.
‘Oh, no,’ cried Wanda. ‘Where’s he gone?’
In their haste to get to the edge of whatever it was, Tiger briefly forgot about the snow and chunks of ice that were clogging the gaps between the pads on his paws and digging into the soft tissue above. They skidded to a stop before a steep drop-off.
‘It’s a crevasse!’ cried Tiger.
‘A what?’ said Number 12, teetering at the edge.
‘Don’t you ever watch the Discovery Channel?’ said Tiger. ‘They can happen anywhere, but generally they form where a glacier has cracked.’
‘Due to global warming?’ Wanda asked.
‘It can start from natural causes,’ Tiger beamed, pleased to be the centre of attention, ‘and then gradually widen until it’s several hundred feet deep.’
‘Syd!’ Wanda cried, straight into the crevasse, her call echoing back to her. Then she looked back at them, horrified. ‘Do you think he’s—’
‘DEAD?’ cawed Syd from behind them. ‘Fooled you. Wanda, I didn’t know you cared!’
He landed on Number 12’s hump as usual, but the camel bucked him off. ‘Shame on you, Syd!’ said Number 12. ‘You had us really worried there!’
‘OK, I’m sorry,’ said Syd, hanging his head. ‘Just thought I’d lighten things up a bit. The prospect that Earth could soon be blown apart by Mick and his mob can be pretty depressing, you know.’
‘Hmm, what have we here?’
It was a voice that Tiger didn’t recall, and when he turned around, all he saw were two furry white legs, thick as tree trunks. Craning his neck backwards he saw a huge white bear.
‘Uh, hi there, Mr Bear,’ said Tiger, slowly edging back between Number 12’s legs. ‘Fancy meeting you here!’
The bear came eye to eye with Number 12 first, probably because he was the closest of any of them. ‘What are you?’ he said.
‘A camel,’ said Number 12. ‘Isn’t that obvious?’
‘A camel?’ said the bear.
‘More accurately,’ Number 12 added, ‘a racing camel. I won twelve major events before they retired me, hence my name, Number 12.’
‘Ah,’ said the bear. ‘Aren’t your... kind found in deserts?’
‘Mostly,’ said Number 12 with a straight face, ‘except when we’re found on surfboards.’
The bear looked very confused, which, in Tiger’s mind, was much better than looking angry, or, worse, hungry.
‘A joke?’ said Number 12. ‘Camels can’t ride surfboards.’
The bear narrowed his eyes. ‘You’re making fun of me? Do you think I’m stupid, or something?’ He reared up on his hind legs until he was much taller than even Number 12.
It was time for Tark to step in. ‘The silly camel didn’t mean to make fun of you,’ he said.
The bear, who seemed to be a bit short-sighted, had to strain to make out Tark down on the snow. He rubbed his eyes.
‘A camel, and now a frog. I think this eco-tourism business has gone too far when frogs get free admission above the Arctic Circle!’
‘We’re not tourists,’ said Tark. ‘Far from it. We’re on a mission to save the Earth from global warming, and you can help.’
‘How?’ laughed the bear. ‘By not eating you?
‘It’s not funny,’ Wanda said, sidling up to Tark. ‘Haven’t you noticed how warm the winters have been lately?’
The bear sat down and thought about it. ‘Maybe not warmer, but certainly shorter. When I was young I used to hunt seals on the ice till October. Now the ice melts by early September, and even in August you have to watch your step or you fall through. We bears are pretty good swimmers, but when you’ve been starving for weeks and then end up in the ocean having to swim miles to the next ice floe. Well, it’s no wonder that more and more of us end up drowning.’
‘Can’t you find enough food on the land?’ asked Tiger.
The bear shook his head. ‘We’re too slow to catch a caribou, and foxes clean out most of the rabbits. No, it has to be seals for us, or the occasional baby Beluga whale. Unless we follow the crowd and head south.’
‘South?’ said Tark.
‘Where the humans are,’ nodded the bear. ‘They got us into this mess, so it’s up to them to keep us alive until it can be fixed.’
‘Where do you go?’ asked Syd.
‘Any town where there’s a rubbish heap will do for starters. And there’s a well-worn track to Churchill where they say there’s an endless supply of scraps to be had. Not to mention the occasional yummy dog that strays too close.’
Tiger felt a shiver run up and down his spine.
The bear seemed to sense this. ‘Have no fear, pussy – we draw the line at cats.’ He stuck out his tongue. ‘After all, you eat mice, and ugh, rats, don’t you?’
If the truth be
known, Tiger had killed a few mice in his time, but more for sport than anything else. He’d never stooped to eating any of the scrawny things. But he could see where the bear was headed with this.
‘Oh, yes, lots,’ he said. ‘They grow big in Canberra. I used to skin them, then marinate them overnight in a bit of white wine before sautéing them in garlic butter, and—’
He caught himself when he saw Wanda mouthing the word ‘liar’.
‘You cooked them?’ the bear said, amazed and suspicious in the same breath.
‘Maybe I exaggerated a bit,’ Tiger said. ‘I’d soak them in the creek overnight and then pretend I had garlic butter to sauté them in.’
‘You’re having a laugh at me, aren’t you?’ the bear snorted, rearing up again.
He would have swiped Tiger with the back of his massive paw if Tark hadn’t frozen him with a quick gesture of his toe. The bear could still speak, but that was it. His fur had a decidedly blue sheen to it.
‘Aw, come on,’ said the bear. ‘I wasn’t gonna really hit him. Just wanted him to pee himself for making fun of me. You’ve made your point, so thaw me out, OK?’
Tark gave him a quick scan to be sure he was being sincere, and then let his toe instantly reverse the process.
‘T-thanks,’ said the bear. He pointed at Tark’s toe. ‘I don’t suppose you’d share the secret of how you do that? If I could stun a seal before I bite her on the neck, it might be a more... humane way to kill her, if you’ll excuse the expression.’
‘What expression?’ asked Tiger.
‘Humane,’ said the bear. ‘Oxford English for gentle or merciful.’
Tark’s toe had already returned to its normal green. He kissed it but then shook his head.
‘Sorry,’ he told the bear. ‘Griffs don’t share their technology. That keeps us at least one eon ahead of the competition.’
‘I can keep a secret,’ the bear said. ‘Besides, there’s hardly anyone else up here to tell!’ He seemed to think about it. ‘Well, I generally kill first and chat later.’
Tark thought for a moment. ‘I have a better idea, then,’ he said finally. ‘If you sign up to Project Earth-mend.’
Tiger Takes the Big Apple Page 2
