Paul Jenning's Weirdest Stories

by Paul Jennings

  Sean’s stomach felt all wobbly inside. ‘At least if I win the competition it will make up for me going into the girls’ changing room,’ he thought to himself. But his heart sank. He knew he couldn’t win. He felt terrible. Deefa yapped and ran around his feet.

  The competition was almost over. There were only two entries left.

  ‘And now,’ announced Wolf, ‘we have an entry from that dashing young man – Jack Buggins.’ Buggins gave the crowd a mock bow. Then he looked at the girls and smiled. Sean’s heart sank when he saw a lot of them smiling back.

  Buggins pushed through the crowd and came out holding his hang-glider above his head. Or more correctly, Sean’s hang-glider. There was a gasp from the mob. It was a beautiful craft. There was no doubt at all about who was going to win.

  Buggins ran to the edge of the pier and launched himself off. A gentle breeze took the hang-glider and lifted it into the air. Buggins sailed and swooped above the water. He circled around and even let go with one hand and waved to the crowd.

  Then he sailed out to sea and made a graceful landing about fifty metres away. The crowd went crazy. Buggins had won by a mile. No one had ever gone that far before.

  Buggins swam back to the pier with the glider. Everyone patted him on the back. He gave a victory wave and leered at Sean.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ said Wolf. ‘There is one more contestant – if you can call him that. The feathered freak, Sean Tuttle.’

  Sean was ready. And he felt ridiculous with the two feathered wings strapped onto his arms. He flapped them up and down feebly. Everyone laughed. The whole lot of them. Sean looked like a plucked chook.

  In the distance and high above, a crop-dusting plane circled the coast. ‘Put this on,’ whispered Spider urgently. He reached into a bag and pulled out the cat hat.

  Sean shook his head. Spider nodded towards the plane. ‘This is your only chance,’ he said.

  Sean stared at the girls who were hanging around Buggins, looking at the hang-glider in admiration. ‘What the heck,’ he said to himself. ‘It’s worth the risk.’ He put the cat hat on his head and tottered over to the edge of the pier.

  ‘Tuttle is wearing a new form of life jacket,’ said Wolf. ‘When he crashes his dead cat swims back with him.’ Everyone laughed. Except Sean and Spider.

  The crop-dusting plane approached the pier. ‘Now,’ said Spider. The plane flew into a bank of clouds and disappeared.

  THE CAT HAT’S EYES CLICKED OPEN.

  IT SAW NOTHING BUT EMPTY SKY.

  THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.

  Nothing happened. Sean still stood there shivering on the end of the pier. Dressed in his foolish, feathered wings. With the cat hat perched up on his head. The noise of the plane disappeared into the distance.

  ‘Well, come on,’ said Wolf. ‘Get going.’

  ‘He’s scared,’ sneered Buggins.

  ‘What a chicken,’ said Thistle.

  ‘It opened its eyes,’ said Spider. ‘But too late. The plane’s gone.’

  ‘I’m done for,’ said Sean. He looked down into the water. It was a long way. His legs were knocking. He couldn’t bring himself to jump. ‘Ten seconds,’ yelled Wolf. ‘Jump or you’re disqualified.’

  9

  Sean took a deep breath and stared along the pier. A seagull sat on a post.

  THE CAT HAT’S EYES CLICKED OPEN.

  IT SAW A SEAGULL FLAP ITS WINGS FURIOUSLY AND FLY UP INTO THE SKY.

  THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.

  Sean’s wings started to whir. They flapped so fast that he couldn’t see them. He thought his arms were going to fall off. Up he went, buzzing like a fantastic dragonfly.

  The water fell far below. At first Sean’s head swam. The kids looked like ants on the pier. Birds fluttered around. What if he fell?

  But then, for some reason, he knew he was safe. He felt like a bird. He was flying as if he had been born with wings. He looped the loop. He plunged down and skimmed the waves and then soared up again above the crowd. He flew sideways and upside down. He twirled and twisted. He flapped like a feathery fiend.

  Everyone gasped. Their mouths fell open. Their eyes bugged out. A sigh swept the pier. Sean plunged down and buzzed just above their heads like a dive-bomber. The kids threw themselves down as he hurtled overhead.

  It was wonderful. It was weird. Sean had no control over what happened. He just did everything the gull did.

  ‘Yahoo,’ yelled Spider. ‘Go, Sean, go.’ He was so excited that he nearly fell off the pier.

  Finally Sean and the bird settled on the waves. Sean let the wings sink and swam back to the waiting crowd.

  10

  You should have heard the cheering. And shouting. No one had ever seen anything like it before. One of the girls gave him a little peck on the cheek.

  Buggins was as mad as a snake. He pushed to the front.

  ‘Tuttle cheated,’ he yelled. ‘That cat thing did it. It was a powered flight.’

  Buggins pulled the cat hat off Sean’s head. And put it on his own. ‘It’s alive,’ he said. ‘It opened its eyes. I saw it.’ Buggins looked kind of pathetic with the cat hat perched on his skull.

  He peered along the pier to where Devil was tied up. He saw Sean’s dog trotting along towards the horse.

  THE CAT HAT’S EYES CLICKED OPEN.

  IT SAW A DOG RUNNING TOWARDS THE HORSE.

  IT SAW HIM PUSHING HIS HEAD INTO A PILE OF HORSE MANURE.

  THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.

  Buggins felt his legs starting to carry him along the pier. ‘No,’ he screamed. ‘No, no, no.’

  But nothing …

  could stop him …

  rushing towards the manure.

  About the author

  The Paul Jennings phenomenon began with the publication of Unreal! in 1985. Since then over 7.5 million books have been sold to readers all over the world.

  Paul has written over one hundred stories and has been voted ‘favourite author’ by children in Australia over forty times, winning every children’s choice award. The top rating TV series Round the Twist and Driven Crazy are based on a selection of his enormously popular short-story collections such as Unseen!, which was awarded the 1999 Queensland Premier’s Literary Award for Best Children’s Book.

  In 1995, Paul was made a Member of the Order of Australia for services to children’s literature, and in 2001 he was awarded the prestigious Dromkeen Medal.

  His most recent titles include Paul Jennings’ Funniest Stories (the first collection in this series), which has sold over 30,000 copies, The Reading Bug… and how you can help your child to catch it (2003), his Rascal storybooks for early readers and his first full-length novel, How Hedley Hopkins Did a Dare… (shortlisted for the Children’s Book Council of Australia Book of the Year Award: Younger Readers).

  This collection of twenty-six stories has been hand-picked by Paul from the UnCollected series and contains some of his weirdest and most wonderful tales.