An Unbreakable Bond

by Mary Wood

  Megan didn’t take long to tell them about Madame Marie having to close the gown shop, and how she’d been and asked Bert if he’d still take her on.

  ‘Oh, Megan, are you sure as that’s what you want?’

  ‘No. Oh, I don’t know. One minute I am, and the next I’m not. I’ve just no other road open to me. Besides, me mind’s made up and I’ve to get on with it. Me wedding day is in three weeks.’

  ‘Oh, love. Did you tell Bert as your mind had been made up for you?’

  ‘Aye, I did. And he were all right about it, as I said I had other plans if he’d not have me, so he didn’t feel as though he were me last hope.’

  ‘Well, if your mind’s made up – and as you say, you haven’t got much choice – I hope as it goes well for you, love. But if he ever cuts up rough, don’t be for taking it. Walk out and come here. We’ll sort sommat out for you.’

  ‘That’s a funny thing to say, Hattie. I know I said Bert is surly, but I don’t think he’d hit me or owt. He’s been through a lot. Anyroad, I’m going to do me utmost to make him happy.’

  ‘Well, you know best, love. So, wedding’ll be in three weeks then? You’ve not much time to get sorted.’

  ‘It’ll not take much organizing. When Madame heard about it, she gave me a gown she’d had on display. Mind, that’ll take me some time in sorting. It’s a gown as a young miss would go to a ball in, but it’ll be reet when I take all the flounces and bows off it. And it’ll be a quiet do, not like Cissy’s, on account of me and Bert not having a lot of friends in Breckton and us having no family. Well, Bert has, but . . .’

  She took a moment to tell Hattie of Bert’s sister, and wasn’t surprised to hear them speculate as to what had caused her to run off.

  ‘Anyroad, the only ones attending so far are Ciss and Jack, and Issy – Cissy’s mam. Bert has a couple of mates as he works with as he wants to ask. Would you come, Hattie? And you, Daisy?’

  As she asked, she wondered if Breckton, or Issy or Jack, or even Bert, was ready for the sight of Hattie and Daisy, and she nearly giggled at the thought.

  ‘We can’t, love. I think thou knows why. Besides, there’s not a chance we can be away for a Saturday. That’s a busy night. I’m sorry.’

  ‘But I never thought as we’d not be at each other’s wedding day, Hattie!’

  ‘Well, you’ll not be at mine and that’s for sure, lass, as I’m not destined to have one. Now come on. Be sensible. How would your Bert deal with the likes of me turning up at his wedding, eh?’

  Megan rocked with laughter at Hattie’s antics as she thrust out her ample bosom and wriggled across the room.

  ‘Aye, and me an’ all!’ Daisy joined in, flashing open her robe to reveal underwear the like of which Megan had never seen before. That’s if you could call it underwear, because it didn’t cover anything that undergarments were meant to cover. There was . . . well, what she could only think of as ‘peep-holes’ everywhere that was meant to be private.

  As she collapsed in a heap of giggles with the pair of them, Megan felt more akin to Hattie and Daisy than she’d felt to anyone for a long time, as now she found herself in the same position they had once been in: with her choices all gone. And, with this realization, the guilt she’d shouldered for many a year – especially where Hattie was concerned – lifted from her.

  21

  No Going Back

  The bells clanged in Megan’s head. The sound that was meant to be joyous caused her pain to increase with every peal. How was she to get through today?

  ‘Come on, Megan. Turn round so I can fasten you. Oh, Megan, you look beautiful.’

  ‘Go away with you, Ciss. I’m not beautiful!’

  ‘You are, Megan. You look grand. The gold colour of that frock does sommat for you, lass. And your hair scraped back like that . . . well, it gives you an Oriental look, even though we can’t get all of the frizzy bits tamed.’ Issy held her shoulders and looked into her eyes as she spoke. ‘Thou knows, you have a look of someone as I once knew. And funny thing is, he had a name similar to yours. He were called Hadler. Will Hadler – that sounds a bit like Tattler, doesn’t it? And another thing: his wife Bridie had hair the colour of yours, and she told me her mam were called Megan. In fact, they put it in their little girl’s name. Bridget, her name was. She had four names . . .’

  ‘Mam! Don’t be going on with that. Take no notice of her, Megan. She’ll have you on with thinking as she’s found your family next!’

  ‘Eeh, I’m sorry. It wasn’t right of me to say such a thing. Anyroad, Megan, I think as Bert’s going to be surprised when he sees you. You look a picture. He’s going to be feeling his need and wishing as it were his wedding day today.’

  ‘Mam!’

  Megan laughed, although inside she felt like a piece of lead had fallen into the pit of her stomach. Issy was referring to Bert’s half-sister! Her name was Bridget and she and her mam and dad lived around here. Bert told me of them all and now Issy is talking of them.

  It hurt Megan that she couldn’t acknowledge that she knew of them, or tell Issy what had become of Bridget. She couldn’t break Bert’s confidence; she’d promised. But it didn’t sit well in her not to do so either, as she had always been open with Issy and Cissy. Funny, though, that Issy should think that she looked like them. With this thought, Megan pulled herself up quickly before she weakened, and covered up her guilty feeling at knowing something they didn’t know of by chastising the pair of them. ‘Stop taking her bait, Ciss. And Issy, you behave!’

  ‘Why? You’ve got to have a laugh, thou knows!’

  Issy went over to the window. ‘It’s a lovely day an’ all, lass. June’s a nice month to get married in. Me and Tom were married in June. Happy the bride that the sun shines on, eh, love?’

  ‘Aye, Mam, me and Jack are going to be happy an’ all. I—’

  Megan cut her short. ‘Come on, Ciss, let’s be at getting you ready. I’ve a mind to gather your hair up and let the curls tumble down at the back, what d’yer think, eh?’

  Wearing the long cream gown Megan had made for her, and with a beautiful lace veil – the same one Issy had worn at her wedding – draped over her face and hair, Cissy looked a vision of loveliness.

  As they walked down the lane to the church, which stood in the grounds of ‘the big house’, as the locals always called Hensal Grange, children ran in front of them strewing petals. Every step caused a pain to enter Megan’s heart, but she kept a smile on her face and teased Cissy, as was traditional.

  Issy walked beside her. The tears filling Issy’s eyes, which she constantly mopped away with a pretty embroidered hanky, Megan knew were mostly for joy at what the day held, but she suspected that some were for Issy’s Tom. She must be feeling the loss of him today. Besides which, her life was set for another huge change. Megan made a mental note to take special care of her, once her duties to Cissy were done.

  The route they took passed by Tom’s grave. Cissy stopped when she reached it, took a flower from her posy and laid it near to her da’s headstone. Henry Fairweather stepped forward at that moment and offered her his arm. As Cissy’s mam and dad’s lifelong friend, the honour of giving her away had fallen to him. ‘Are thee ready, lass? Jack’s waiting for you.’

  ‘Aye, I am, Mr Fairweather. Ta.’

  When they entered the church and Jack turned round, Megan felt like she’d never catch her breath again. To her, he was beautiful. The sunlight beaming through the stained-glass windows lit the whole of his body, creating a picture that she wanted to keep in her heart forever. She let the tears run down her cheeks. They gave her some release from her pain and wouldn’t be noticed, as she wasn’t the only one crying – even Jack had tears glistening in his eyes as he looked at Cissy. No one would know hers were due to her heart breaking in two.

  Falling into step behind Cissy, they walked slowly towards Jack. Megan couldn’t take her eyes off him. Suddenly, Jack’s gaze left Cissy and he glanced at her. She saw the smile he would norma
lly give her die on his lips as a look of shock flashed over his face. It was as if he was seeing her for the first time. She hadn’t imagined it. The way he turned his attention quickly back to Cissy told her that. Her spirits lifted. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. At least he’d noticed she existed, and she was more than just good old Megan . . .

  What am I thinking? Shame washed over her. He’d more than likely just been surprised at the look she’d given him. Oh God! Suddenly she wanted to be anywhere but here. How could she have let her feelings for him show like that? And on his wedding day, too – on Cissy’s wedding day!

  The nuptial mass went over her head. Not even when they exchanged their vows did she register what was happening, so deep was the shame inside her. What would Jack think? What would everyone be thinking? They must have seen how shocked he’d looked.

  The bells started again. It was over, then? She’d to face the world without the man she loved by her side, and in two weeks she’d stand here again and make her own vows. To love, honour and obey a man she didn’t love – well, not didn’t love, exactly, but wasn’t in love with. The thought at this moment was unbearable.

  They were on the porch of the church, with everyone talking at once and congratulations and kisses and laughter all around her, when Jack spoke to her. ‘By, you look bonny, lass. I reckon as you’re the most beautiful bridesmaid there’s ever been. And we’re lucky at having her as ours, aren’t we, Mrs Fellam?’

  He said I was beautiful!

  ‘Aye, Jack, you’re right there. Megan’s done us proud. She’d not believe me when I said as she were beautiful. Eeh, Jack – Megan, Mrs Fellam! I can’t take it in, as that’s me name at last. I’m so happy!’

  ‘Aye, lass, you’re me own Mrs Fellam.’

  The pain that ripped through Megan’s heart was shortlived, as someone grasped her arm. She turned to see Bert, his face red with anger. Her shame increased. Had he seen? Had he heard Jack? He pulled her away from the crowd. ‘What’s your game? What’re you playing at, eh?’

  ‘What? What d’yer mean, Bert? I’m not playing at owt. I’m just doing me bridesmaid’s duty.’

  ‘So, it’s your duty to ogle the bridegroom, is it? And to have him tell you as you’re beautiful, eh?’

  ‘Well, he’s probably the only man as is going to tell me owt like that, because you’re not for noticing!’

  ‘I weren’t given a chance, were I? You never even looked round the church to find me. So now I know how the land lies. Well, thou knows, you can forget being wed to me. You can go on with your other plan, and you can get out of me cottage an’ all.’

  Shock kept her from going after him. Oh God! What have I done? How could I have let my feelings show, after keeping them locked up inside me for so long?

  ‘Are you all right, Megan lass? What bee’s got into his bonnet? Eeh, he’s a funny cuss. Come on. Don’t let Ciss and Jack see as you’re upset.’

  ‘Oh, Issy. He says as he isn’t going to be marrying me, and I can get out of the cottage! He thinks . . . he . . .’

  ‘Aye, lass. I know what he thinks, and he isn’t wrong at that, now, is he?’

  Megan’s head dropped with the weight of her guilt.

  ‘Look, you aren’t the first lass to fall in love with another’s man, thou knows. It happens all the time. And in particular when that man is as handsome as Jack is.’

  ‘You knew?’

  ‘Aye, I knew, lass. But I also know as you’re not one to do owt about it and hurt our Cissy, so I had no worries on that score. Me worry were for you and your feelings not being returned, and that making you settle for such as Bert Armitage.’

  ‘He isn’t so bad, Issy. He loves me and I have a feeling for him. There’s another side to him that I can love, but now I don’t know what to do. Should I go after him? Will I be missed?’

  ‘If you’re on with being sure as you can make a go of it, then go after him. I’ll cover for you. They’ll be dancing afore we sit down for the meal, so just make sure you’re back for that, eh? And, Megan, if it’s what you want, then do your best. Tell him as you were daydreaming that it were him as were standing at the altar waiting for you, and as you got a shock when reality hit. And say the words: say you love him, because he strikes me as one as hasn’t had much love in his life. Go on, lass. And good luck.’

  Bert was where she thought he’d be: in the pub. She couldn’t go in after him, as it wasn’t the done thing for a woman to enter the pub on her own, so she stood tapping on the window. He turned round, as did all the men who had escaped the wedding party to get a quick jug of ale in before the formalities. Bert’s face turned red, and she guessed by the laughing men around him that he was taking some leg-pulling. She hoped it wouldn’t make him angrier, but as he came out of the door he was on the attack. She’d expected that, as he had to save face. ‘What d’yer want? I’ve said me piece.’

  ‘Aye, you have, but I haven’t been at saying mine, so I came to say it.’

  She could see that he was put out by her retort. He didn’t like her chatting back at him, but he’d to get used to it, because he wasn’t going to have it all his own way.

  ‘Well?’

  ‘Bert Armitage, you’ve got it all wrong. I walked into that church in a dream. I was on with imagining as it were my day and it were you waiting at the altar for me.’

  The words Issy had given her were having an effect. His expression softened.

  ‘I haven’t ever been to a wedding afore, and I haven’t ever dressed up like this, either, or had folk tell me as I’m beautiful. It all went to me head. I felt like I were somebody. I started thinking of me own day, as is to come. My look at Jack was one of shock, as I came to me senses and seen as it wasn’t you! I felt daft and confused. I – I love you, Bert Armitage, and if you were to say as I were beautiful, then that would mean everything to me.’

  A cheer went up, then calls of ‘Go on, Armitage!’ and ‘By, you’ve caught a fiery one there, Bert!’ and ‘She loves you . . . Ahh.’

  Bert’s expression changed. He looked like he was about to explode; his eyes bulged with anger and sweat stood out on his face. He grabbed her arm so fiercely it made her cry out with fear. The men quietened down and one by one went back into the pub.

  As he dragged her by the arm, she stumbled and caught her heel on the cobbles, but he took no heed. When they reached the cottage, he opened the door and flung her inside. ‘You bitch!’

  ‘But, Bert, I—’

  His hand shot out. Her face stung. Shock held her breathless.

  ‘I’m sorry . . . I’m sorry. Megan, Megan me love, forgive me. Oh God! I can’t believe as I did that! Megan, I do love you, lass, and you are beautiful. You’re the most beautiful thing as has happened in all me rotten life. I’ll never be at hurting you again. I don’t know what come over me.’ Tears streamed down his face.

  The shock of the slap made her body shake, but the shame she felt at having brought him to this crushed her. ‘It were my fault, Bert. I’ve kept you unsure of me. And – and then today . . . saying all that stuff in front of your mates. It’s me as is to be sorry, Bert.’

  They held each other close. Bert slowly stopped crying and telling her how sorry he was, and a love deeper than she’d felt for him before kindled in her. His kiss took her to a place her body wanted to be. Yes, Jack was there, and yes, it was him caressing her, but the feeling was so good she responded with all that was in her.

  It took a moment to remove her frock, as she had to make sure it didn’t get crumpled. Once it and her shift and underbodice were off, she surprised herself with how little embarrassment she felt as Bert looked at her. ‘Megan, Megan lass, you’re beautiful. You’re me beautiful lass.’

  His words further enhanced the feelings in her, but the pain when he tried to enter her brought her back to reality, and she stiffened as she tried to hold him back.

  ‘No, Megan, no. You’re not stopping me now. Stop fighting and lay still.’

  ‘It’s hurting, Ber
t. You’re hurting me.’

  ‘I’m not for stopping. Oh, Megan – don’t stop me . . .’

  ‘Slow down. Stop! Bert, please stop!’

  ‘Christ! Megan, you’re a bitch. A cock-tease! Well, I’m having none of it. You’re having it now and that’s the end of it.’ He pushed her back down and forced her legs open. ‘Come on, Megan, I’m telling thee—’

  ‘No. No!’ Pain shot through her with greater intensity as he forced his way into her. Oh God, help me!

  Bert stopped pushing and lifted his body so that he looked down on her. ‘It’ll be reet now, lass. It’s just the first time. You’re mine now. I’ll not take long – just be a good lass and let it happen, eh? Next time you’ll be at liking it.’ His kiss soothed her, and her body relaxed. It was going to be all right. She had a shame in her because she’d not been wed before she’d allowed it, but it’d be all right.

  As Bert moved above her, the pain lessened. There was a soreness, but that was how it would be. Hattie’d told her, and she was daft not to have remembered and to have fought and made Bert angry. He was all right now, though. He was enjoying it; his moans told her that. When it was over, he lay on the floor next to her. His face, hot and sweaty-looking, held the happiest expression she’d ever seen on him as he said, ‘That were grand, lass. I reckon as I’m going to like being married to you, Megan. Aye, but look at you! You’ve to get some work done to cover up what you’ve been up to, thou knows.’

  A feeling of emptiness overcame her as Bert rose. His praise had been something, but she had a need to be held – soothed and loved. The hollowness of this aftermath pushed the disgrace of what she’d done away and left her feeling as if she was nothing of worth. She hadn’t wanted to feel like that. It wasn’t how she should feel. But then, she told herself, I only have meself to blame.

  22

  Reality Sets a Path

  From her window, Megan could see Cissy hurrying up the lane with a lightness to her step as if she would have liked to have broken into a skip.