by Love Belvin
Once again she involuntarily exposed her vulnerable side. I couldn’t believe she had all of those insecurities. I didn’t have the words to answer those questions. The young broad, RinRin, that was with me was an aspiring rapper. I’m acquaintances with her manager and he wanted her to hang out with me to develop her image. She was dope, but ain’t have shit for me.
I saw that Rayna was absolutely clueless about my feelings for her. Shit, I counted twenty-two days since we last saw each other. I had a few of my people tail her a couple of times while we weren’t speaking just to keep an eye on her. I hadn’t resolved to just walking away from her.
It’s funny that she brought Spin up. Rayna would be shocked to know that I almost smashed her again recently, but just before going in I got turned off because ol’ girl wasn’t fitting the “Rayna bill”. I remembered how well things didn’t go that night after I rejected Spin. Our relationship plummeted after that experience. Even though I couldn’t get Rayna out of my system, I wasn’t going to chase her. My pride wouldn’t allow me to do it. She had to let that Tara being pregnant shit ride. It was a moot issue, I was done with it.
I was still a little confused about where I wanted my relationship to go with Rayna. The one thing I had been clear on was my strong feelings for her. I didn’t know if it was my age catching up to me or what, but I had never felt this way about a woman before. I felt like I was addicted to her. She had concerns of me being with other women when little did she know, I was too wrapped up in her to notice anybody else. Again, I was fucked up in the head.
I saw her there squatting on the floor. She wore no makeup, only lip-gloss. Her hair was up in a ponytail. She looked sexy even in sweats and Ugg boots. I extended my arm to help her up. She obliged and rose to her feet. People would be surprised to know that I’m not a man of many words when it comes to love. I wanted to express my feelings to her as well as my desire of her physically. It had been almost a month since I’d had that ass. I needed my fix and what transpired earlier was just a tease.
I took Rayna back to my bedroom and lit the decorative candles around the room that had never been used. I didn’t know how well this would go over; she didn’t seem to be in the best state of mind. But I had decided to try my luck. I needed to have her. Again.
After removing every piece of garment she wore, I asked her to lie on the bed and wait until I returned. I went to the kitchen to put a few cubes of ice in a bowl. Then I went into my medicine cabinet to retrieve a piece of Halls from the pack I had stored in there. When I returned, she was lying on her side using her left arm to hold her head up. I put the bowl and drop down so that I could remove my shirt. I stood at the side of the bed examining her curvy body. My erection arrived. I chewed a piece of ice then popped the Halls drop in my mouth. I was ready to go in. I did some things with Rayna that night that I’d never done with anyone before.
I had her lay face up with her back flat on the bed and her head at my pelvic area. When she did, I bent over, grabbed her by the waist and lifted her in the air until her sweetness was square in my face and thighs on my shoulders as I began to taste her peach. She was a little heavier than usual but still a lightweight, which made it easy for me to hold her while I explored her valley from a new view. I could tell she was new to this and didn’t know what to do. She fiddled around while she hung upside down. I gave her a minute to adjust her head to a comfortable angle. I made sure she felt the coolness of the cough drop as I gripped her soft ass. I could tell she felt the sensation because her body tensed up. I enjoyed tasting her. She was always so fresh, her internal fragrance turned me out each time. I heard her moans and didn’t want her to climax so after a while I gently let her down on the bed.
She was ready for me. She undid my pants, laid me down and took me into her mouth. I maneuvered her body into a 69 position. She challenged me not to climax before her. I was down. As she had my toes curling like a little bitch. I was on a lovemaking high. I grabbed her ass cheeks and pulled them to my face. She couldn’t take it and stopped pleasuring me because she could no longer focus. She sat up and began riding my face. She made sounds that were new to me. She went wild. Not before long, she began to break in her rhythm and her body jerked. I could tell she was preparing to climax. I wasn’t ready to end this so I stopped.
I then stood her on the floor facing the bed and had her bend over as I entered her from behind. Once settled in, I grabbed her waist and shifted her weight onto my lap until we established a balance. I eventually worked us into the Titanic position where her upper torso was at a 45-degree angle in the air and I held her arms down behind her back. This position drove me nuts. I penetrated her so deep, I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Something about her canal felt different, she was creamier and more swollen than usual. I pushed the possibilities of why to the back of my head. It was a bumpy ride and the mere sight of her limp body being controlled by me made me feel superior and took me to another level. I noticed her ponytail going in each direction. I pulled out the scrunchie and her hair fell into her face. I could no longer see her eyes but imagined how sexy her expressions were. There was something about her willingness to me exploring her body that turned me on. I heard her moan and knew it was incredible for her, too. I knew this was an awkward position so I didn’t stay in it for long. I felt awesome and like I could go all night long, but I had to switch it up.
After I let her down, she turned to face me. Her mane was tousled in her face. With heavy dark eyes she squinted. “Is that all you have for me?”
Rayna was telling me that she was enjoying me by way of challenging me. I grabbed her by the face and devoured her mouth. I was enamored by her. She straddled me as I walked her back onto the bed and laid her down. I stood on my knees over her, lifted her legs in an India-style fashion, and pushed into her chest before entering her. She was so damn flexible. This was another position that allowed me to go deep. I was in a spell. I had to regain my steadiness, especially after her challenge.
Eventually, I switched it up by placing my feet on the floor, standing over her and pulling her toward me before going back in. This was a big mistake because I now had more agility. The sound of my cock going in and out of her added to the experience, which is why I didn’t put on any music. The sounds I heard throughout that lovemaking session took me to ecstasy. Her extending her legs straight into the air woke me out if my trance but didn’t break my pace. I found myself pounding her. I began hearing our skin collide in slaps. Her moans started and gradually turned into screams. I knew she was climaxing.
She cried my name, “Di—vine…Div—ine!” Rayna’s orgasm did it for me. I felt her vice grip on me. I couldn’t hold it any longer. As I exploded around her, I found it difficult to hold my balance, I didn’t want to fall on top of her.
Goddamn.
~~~~~~~~~~
Rayna
Life’s complicated – isn’t that the memo that’s constantly being hammered into our psyches?
Life’s not fair – isn’t that what the humble hearted use to get from day to day?
All is fair in love and war – now that—that’s bullshit!
Nothing about love is fair. The shit is painful and overrated. My life had been consistently complicated and it was unfair that I was relentlessly at war with myself when trying to make sense of love. Azmir tried waving the white flag that night after that god-awful club episode. He made sweet love to me and practically begged me to advise him of how to repair us. There was so much going on in my head, so much strife in my heart. He assured me that if given the chance we could fix anything that obstructed our way. What way? We weren’t even an official couple. Azmir spoke fruitless optimism.
What he didn’t know was what I had been in denial about for weeks. I was pregnant. Azmir and I went without birth control since The Bahamas. I don’t know what I was thinking or that I was thinking at all. This is the only man that I felt close enough to—to trust without a condom. Tyquan, I didn’t trust—I was
just stupid. This Azmir made me forget to put one foot in front of the other to walk each time I was in his intoxicating presence. I was caught up in such impulsive realms with him that I didn’t think.
It was August, my breasts were enlarged and mornings were filled with vomiting and queasiness. I spent very little nights with Azmir because Michelle’s condition had become so shaky. I hadn’t taken a pregnancy test because of all the things that were going on in my life at such an accelerated speed. I didn’t have time for another inconvenient truth. My period was weeks late and I wouldn’t stress Michelle with this, she was sick herself. It tore me to pieces when I reflected on how polar her health was to just a month ago. And I couldn’t handle turning Azmir off with this. Things were too calm between us. He had been so helpful and understanding with Michelle. He paid for her home healthcare when I needed time away for professional travel.
My hips had begun to spread so quickly. Sex with Azmir had slowed down tremendously because I couldn’t bear him finding out. He was so underneath me, demanding to spend so much time together that it made me wonder if he had sensed it. But I didn’t want to be Tara. I wrestled with the question, would he try to deny mine, too?
Your heart senses things that your mind cannot comprehend. I felt in my heart he wouldn’t, we were so connected. He was so attentive and consistent. But I still had those looming fears of him coming up short. I dealt with it as I do all other things I can’t deal with—I distanced myself from him. I ran.
Weeks after that club incident, I had taken Michelle to see her oncologist. After he entered the exam room, he grabbed the rolling stool, sat on it and scooted close to Michelle. A chill traveled my spine.
He grabbed her hand, “Michelle…dear, according to your biopsy not only has the cancer returned but the bastard has metastasized amok. Sweetheart, there’s nothing more we can do. As you can see, with in current condition, another round of chemotherapy can wipe you out. Your body cannot withstand that.”
You could tell he spoke regrettably but it still was a terrible blow. My knees buckled. A tear fled my dear friend’s eye and her bottom lip quivered as she forced a smile to her face. I could tell the news hit her hard, but she was still in fight mode. She was such an optimist. I jumped up and abruptly left the room. I couldn’t let her see me cry, she didn’t need that.
From that moment on Michelle began preparing paperwork for a will. One day I walked in the house with groceries and saw what I initially thought was an elderly woman at the dining room table writing. My senses quickly came to me and I realized Michelle’s physical condition. She went from weighing 125 lbs to a mere 82. She was literally all skin and bones…a skeleton. She walked with a cane and couldn’t stand upright. She had no facial hair or that of her head. She wore turbine-like wraps to keep her head warm. Her skin took on a yellowish tone with the exception of the deep shade of brown half circles underneath her eyes. Her teeth protruded through her lips as the fat ebbed away.
She had succumbed to her disease.
Fucking cancer.
“What are you doing out of bed?” I reprimanded.
She slowly turned to face me as I was trekking past her heading to the kitchen. When she turned she really resembled an old woman as she slowly lifted her arm to wipe her running nose. She managed a smile and murmured, “I needed a change of scenery.” Her words were labored.
“When is Britni coming to pick up her makeup bag? It’s been three days. Can she really go that long without it?” I asked trying to break my bleak thoughts of Michelle’s condition.
Britni and April were dedicated to Michelle’s care, which surprised me. I didn’t believe they could stop thinking of themselves long enough to care for someone else. They pleasantly proved me wrong.
“Oh, I’m sure she has backups in her car and at work,” Michelle replied with mirth.
As I was unpacking the groceries in the kitchen, Michelle slowly sauntered in and rested against the counter. I glanced over at her, “You need to be laying down, Shelly, with your feet up. We don’t want your legs to give out on you like before.”
“Yeah…yeah…yeah!” she retorted. “I need to talk to you, Rayna.” I knew when I heard my full name that I wasn’t going to like the context of the conversation ahead.
“I know this is a difficult time for you having to see me slip away like this—” Michelle started.
But I interrupted with, “It’s not about me right now. Please don’t think about me for a change—”
“Rayna, let me finish.” She raised her hand in protest.
“I can appreciate what you’re going through, even in my current condition. You’re familiar with the term Rest in Peace.” It wasn’t exactly presented as a question. I allowed her to continue. “That’s what I want to do, Rayna. I want to leave here knowing that my loved ones will be okay. Erin is young with so much life ahead of her. It’s too soon to have any concerns about her not faring well in life. She has so much passion and hope in those little hazel eyes. She’s loved and supported by people who will help get her off to a good start in life; people like you, Amber, and other relatives.”
Michelle paused to catch her breath before continuing and I held on to mine. “But I am concerned about you. Who’s going to be with you…to love you unconditionally, comfort you when you hurt, call you on your bullshit when you want to go into the elusive corners of your mind, feeling the need to protect yourself, to make you laugh when it rains and to hold your hand when days are cold?” Another pause for oxygen. Another moment that I went without it as I adjusted to my impending reality.
“Na-Na, I’ve been in full support of your relationship with Azmir and that’s because you sparkle in his eyes. I saw it that first night we ran into him at Cobalt. When he laid eyes on you, they did a dance that any girl would die to experience. He’s romanced you beyond your imagination, paid off your debt to Sebastian’s weak ass, given you a luxury car at no expense of your own, made love to you with wild passion and flew you and your associates—not friends—to the Caribbean with all expenses paid. Although you don’t make the man feel needed, he’s still in your life after months of chasing you.” She took another pregnant pause to gather herself. My heart clenched and my body trembled as I fought back the tears. I was so tired of crying, so I fought like hell to keep them at bay.
Michelle doesn’t need my weakness. Just assurance.
“All of this from a man of Azmir’s elite status…he can have just about any woman he wants. Hell—he could have those associates he flew with you to The Bahamas if he wanted! You have to give love a try, honey. Your wellbeing depends on it. You cannot go through life alone. If you’re planning to, you’re taking a detour to an early grave. You deserve to be loved. Yes, even Rayna Brimm! I need to know you get this before I go. Please tell me you get me.” With her cold skeleton hand resting on my forearm, she pleaded through tearful eyes.
She was practically begging me to take heed, showing dire concern. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t believe I was capable of meeting her request. She didn’t even know about the pregnancy I’d been keeping from him, from her. There was no way that I could even begin to encompass the crux of her pleas. I didn’t have the capacity to take on my shit, I was too preoccupied with championing for Michelle and Erin. They were easier, a lighter burden than my own. But I was unable to articulate this to her in that moment. So, I managed the moment, did what I did best in life. I managed.
I lied to my best friend that day by nodding my head in comprehensive accession. I didn’t have faith in myself. She was the only person who did.
Michelle died less than two weeks after that conversation. She put up a hell of a fight with that cancer but it gave her little time. I felt depression like no other time in my life. I felt emptiness, a phenomenon I’d never battled before. Days blended together and nights triumphed with extensions that stretched into the subsequent bleak days. I became a shell, impermeable on the outside to protect what was delicate and fucked up on the inside. I’d
forget to eat and sleep. I made sure her final wishes were made known to her family. She was cremated and dispersed in the Pacific Ocean.
I was so numb throughout the ceremony. I felt so alone in a room full of people during her repast. I’d never acquainted myself with her family. Many of them knew of me though I had no knowledge of them. I’d guessed they’d heard about the girl Michelle virtually returned from college with. The one she took in and helped get a job. A life.
I just sat and went in and out of consciousness as I watched Erin run around with her distant cousins while others ate and socialized. I had hurt for her. She would no longer experience the wonder of her mother’s love and devotion. She’d never know how great and selfless of an individual her mother was. If Michelle gave me such a generous portion of herself, I could only imagine what she would have given her own child.
Life’s complicated. Life’s unfair. All isn’t fair in love and war.
Chapter 4
Rayna
I was in my bed, engaged in restless sleep when I felt sharp pain in my abdomen bringing me to a blustering awakening. I pulled myself up and grabbed my hardening belly. Another wave of pain struck through my body again. As I rose in bed, I noticed blood where I sat in my sheets.
