by Love Belvin
When I walked out into the bedroom, I found Azmir sitting on the coffee table in the sitting room looking over papers and watching the plasma television that hung on the wall above the fireplace. He was shirtless in only his basketball shorts and black ankle socks, no doubt partly engaged in his sports channels. He ran several channels at a time on one screen. I didn’t understand how he could concentrate on more than one at a time. As I walked over to him, he smiled with knitted eyebrows.
“What are you wearing?”
I ran my hands over the front of the T-shirt, slightly embarrassed. “You.”
“I don’t get it,” he murmured when I reached down to peck his soft lips quickly and wetly.
“I have a nasty habit of wearing your used tees.” I smiled, mildly embarrassed.
“Habit? This is news to me.” He still looked confused. I plopped on the couch to the side of him stretching my legs on the coffee right behind him.
“That’s because I usually do it when you’re away.”
“Why tonight? And why the tees? What type of predilection is that?” he chuckled before diverting his eyes back to the television hearing something that beckoned his concentration.
I waited patiently for his attention to return to me. And when it did he said, “I’m sorry. I thought I’d just heard something that would defy all sports ethics,” he shook his head slightly, brushing off the thought and then turned his body to me. “Well…?”
“Well…it’s arousing for one.” I giggled pathetically. He chuckled in response. “And…I don’t know…it makes me feel closer to you.”
“Un-huhn…” He was bemused, but entertained me.
“It brings me peace…”
“Peace?” he squawked sarcastically with eyes wide and mouth opened.
“Yes, silly. It’s one of the nine fruits of the spirit. We’re learning them and tonight we discussed peace. God left us with the spirit of peace to comfort us in our times of need. We discussed that peace is a state of the mind and heart that you choose…something that has to be deliberate during hard times or inconvenient circumstances. Since the girls left I’ve been meditating on it trying to see ways that I can implement into my everyday life.”
“And wearing my T-shirt—deliciously by the way—brings about peace? I should sell them in a bottle,” he teased all throatily.
“It brings a bit of peace to me, yes, but there’s something else that I should decide on, too,” I added. He reached for the remote and muted the television giving me his full attention.
“Okay…?” he spoke nervously.
“No. No bad news. These are all positive changes that I am undergoing to repair myself, Azmir,” I tried to calm him.
“Hmmmm…okay.” His face softened at that notion. “Well, what is it?”
“Well, here’s the thing…one of the biggest points of contention in our…friendship is the money spending thing…on me. The superfluity. You like to lavish me with considerably expensive things and for some reason that makes me uncomfortable. We’ve fought over this on numerous occasions and you’ve been adamant about wanting to do nice deeds for me and to take care of me. I still don’t think I need to be cared for in that manner but I don’t want to change you no more than I can stand for you to change me. I’m not used to all of this…your wealth and eagerness to tend to me. I’ve never had it, but clearly it’s here—smack-dap in my face, all 6 feet 4 inches of it that can’t be ignored.” I transitioned into a joke to lighten the moment.
“I’m pretty sure he’s longer and stronger than 4 inches.” Azmir flashed a roguish smile that I couldn’t begrudge.
I gasped, “Azmir!” though unable to hide my shameful blush. “We’re talking about holiness here. Don’t.”
With a more serious and straightened face he nodded in agreement.
“Anyway, I will no longer reprove of your supererogatory ways—” he cut me off.
“Supererogatory? You always make it take on a negative connotation.”
“No…no! It’s not negative at all.” I sighed. I didn’t mean for this to morph into such a serious conversation. “Can I be completely honest for a second?”
“I hope you would. That’s all I ever want to be with you.” Azmir’s eyes were intent and he was trying to take in this deep conversation.
“I think the reason I’ve given you so much grief over it is because I feel like I can’t reciprocate. I don’t have the means to play on your level and quite frankly, I don’t know how to make myself useful in your world.” I raised my hands in the air. “Please don’t try to placate my insecurities by explaining your feelings for me. It’s useless and unfair to do on the spot. More than that, I feel like it’s something that I have to figure out on my own before I screw this up,” I choked on my last few words, but caught my tears before they pooled in my eyes.
Azmir sat there speechless but evidently still in the moment with me. I managed a little chuckle to put him at ease. He eventually grabbed my hands and kissed them gently. I smiled at his loving gesture.
Breaking the moment, I rose to my feet and exhaled. “Now, it’s time for me to hit the sack. I’ve been dreaming about your cozy, tempered, firm, and snuggly bed all day. I must go meet with it.” I laughed.
“Our bed, Ms. Brimm. You said you’re on the path of peace and it starts with accepting me and all that comes with me. I’m yours and so is the bed.” His voice was solemn and commanding. I so wish that I was ready to receive that. I reached down and kissed him on the lips. I didn’t want an emotional brawl, it was late and I was too exhausted.
En route to the bed portion of the grand room he said, “This so didn’t end the way that I thought it would.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought I was going to get a verbal lashing about coming home too soon and blowing your shacking cover,” Azmir admitted while organizing his papers and laying them at the opposite end of the coffee table so that he could sit on the couch and put his feet up.
“Oh, I haven’t forgotten about your monumental mishap. You’re so busted! You forgot they would be over. Didn’t you?”
He raised his arm in the air giving me that coochie creaming smile.
“Oh, and there it is!” I pointed my index finger towards his face. “Did you really have to flash those teeth and bat those lashes at them? You weren’t playing fair. You were supposed to slip in and out of their view if anything,” I fussed.
“I thought I did. Hey…I’m not used to us having company. I was caught off guard, too!” he played affronted.
“You knew what you were doing when you saw them at your feet salivating, willing to lick the tips of your shoes. I don’t know how I’m going face them until this dies down.” I massaged my temples.
He shrugged his shoulders apologetically trying to hide his smile.
“Thanks, Mr. Jacobs!” I hissed and turned on my heels toward the bed.
He called out, “No, seriously…are you going to be okay if it gets back to your pastor? I thought you said he knew we cohabitated.”
It was sweet of him to be so concerned about my spiritual developments as well as my religious concerns considering he was of a different faith. Azmir never made light of the restrictions and rules that came along with the Christian walk that I was pursuing. I knew deep down inside he feared me moving out or pulling back on sex, but I hadn’t arrived at a place where I felt the need to address those issues. I had found a spiritual leader who said he wanted to start repairing my heart to make room for God and that God would urge me to transform in ways that regarded my lifestyle. And for that I was relieved and felt compelled to stay on this therapeutic passage.
“He does. It’s just that I don’t feel the need to give people too close a view into my life. I like our solitude. Our bubble. It’s been my refuge.”
He smiled contently, “It’s been working for me, too.”
I walked off, crossing the suite, peeled back the sheets and climbed into bed feeling the cool firmness that yielded
to my curves.
Ahhhhhhhh!
The following afternoon I was out shopping with Chanell and she was sure not to disappoint with the gossip. She told me how Kim had just learned that Petey had a twenty-three year old lover, a Mexican PYT—pretty young thang as she termed it—that he’d paid for to go to school. Whoa!
She also mentioned how Kid’s oldest daughter, by a woman he had cheated on Syn with when he was eighteen, had entered into college this fall and that Kid bought her a baby Beamer, much to Syn’s dismay. I guess the lavish gift was warranted seeing that she was a sixteen-year-old whiz kid who was entering into college two years early. Apparently, Syn never forgave Kid for stepping out on her so long ago and has deeply resented this young girl.
“Yeah, but Syn can’t be mad because Quadasia caught a full ride to USC because she smart as hell!” Chanell exclaimed, smacking food in her mouth.
“Quadasia?” I asked as we sat in the food court eating lunch.
Chanell downed a tempting looking cheese-steak while I had a paltry salad. I was pissed that I had a dance event coming up and needed to lose a couple of pounds to fit into my costume perfectly. I’d have much preferred eating what she had. Since being with Azmir I’d rarely had the opportunity to eat sinfully, though there was no doubt that I ate well either.
“Oh, that’s his daughter’s name. You know Kid’s government name is Quadir, right? That bitch, Heather, wanted to stick it to Syn ass bad as a muthafucka and named his first seed after him.”
“Didn’t know that.”
There was never a dull story leaked from Chanell. She was honestly a sweet girl who valued my friendship for reasons beyond who I was in Azmir’s life. And I had to admit that her prattler ways had its benefits, even if they were reduced to this mindless hood bulletin.
“So how old will Kid be?” I asked.
“The big three-five! And I can’t believe he that old. I remember when his ass used to beg for dry pussy. Word up!” she nodded her head. “Shit! That reminds me that I gotta call the strippers for Friday.”
“Strippers?” I asked as she went for her phone.
“Yeah. Petey got his hands full wit’ that jumpoff shit wit’ Kim so he asked me to book the strippers for Friday in a suite in the hotel we staying.” She pulled out a small piece of paper that I’d soon realize was the number of the Tip Down Drills for the strippers. “You know ‘dem dudes love ‘dem sum fuckin’ strippers. They like to bring ‘dem to their room instead of going to the clubs cuz’ sum of ‘dem mufucka’s wanna fuck. I be in there buggin’ the fuck out at ‘dem drooling’ ass fuckas!”
All types of alarms went off in my head. Azmir hadn’t mentioned Kid’s birthday bash to me. I knew he was leaving again for business tomorrow, but was due back on Thursday.
“So the ladies are invited to these birthday bashes?” I tried so bad to downplay my hard pressed curiosity and rising anger.
“The cool ones, yeah. A couple of the broads from around da way come wit’ me, but not too many. They gotta be approved by Petey. Now ‘dat Divine’s big and shit they don’t be wantin’ shit leaked. ‘Dem bitches from around da way be waitin’ on a chance at all ‘dem ballers.”
As desperately as I wanted to inquire about Azmir’s activities there I didn’t think I could handle the gut blow if I’d discovered his indiscretions, so I kept my mouth shut, and in good timing as I heard Chanell make the arrangements for ten strippers to appear at a suite at a specified casino that Thursday evening. My mind spun and heart tightened at the chunk of information from that day’s outing of shopping and lunch.
Insecurity, no matter how concentrated, is a bitch and I think it might have bit me in the rear that day.
~~~~~~~~~~
The following day, after church, Azmir called me on my way home and informed me that he made reservations for dinner at a restaurant next to Malibu with a great view of the water before catching his red eye out of town to Atlanta. I flew through the door headed straight to the closet to slip into something less formal and we headed right out. I hated seeing him leave for so many days at a time. Who was I fooling? I hated seeing him leave—period! But dinner was nice and held all the ambiance that a woman could ask for considering the circumstances.
The lights from soft lamps and candles bounced off the ocean surface as the sun started to set and soft music was mellow and inviting. I’d been sipping on red wine too soon after an empty stomach, feeling a little tipsy. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast before church. I was elated once our food arrived, I didn’t prefer filling up on breads and salads.
“So, are you excited about your trip?”
“I guess there’s nothing not to be excited about when you have big money on the table. Anxious is more like what I’m experiencing. We’ve been in talks with this particular company for nearly eight months now. Finally, they’re ready to play ball. In addition to that, Rich informed me this morning that we may have to video conference a telecommunications company out in Canada who actually sought us out. They’re tiptoeing on the sale though. We’ll see.”
“And there’s Florida…next week?” I quizzed, hiding my disapproval, though loving his ease at sharing.
“Yup,” he said after sipping his drink. He caught onto my contempt. “It won’t always be like this.”
“That’s good to know,” I murmured, holding my breath. I didn’t want him to know how affected I was by his absence. How attached I’d grown to his presence. I’ve never been needy, yet felt a semblance of it when he was away. I didn’t like it.
“I remember, years ago, reading an article with Brian McKnight and his wife…could’ve been Ebony…Essence…JET—I don’t recall…and she said something along the lines of her not believing their marriage would survive if he did not travel as often as he did while working.” My eyes traveled to find his. “They’re now divorced, so how on par was she with their need for space?” I asked rhetorically. Melodramatic—but transparent of my heart, thanks to liquid courage.
He shifted in his seat. “I don’t think spending time apart preserves a relationship. At best it gives time to reflect and evaluate it, but it certainly doesn’t help to edify it.”
Is he saying that he didn’t like being away from me like this? I had suddenly become so confused.
“How long will this last…you know the traveling?”
“I’m not sure. It’s a part of the business. Is it becoming a problem for you, Brimm? Please be honest and tell me,” he implored.
I didn’t know how to respond to that. Heck, no, I didn’t like the separation periods, but there was no way I’d come in between him and his business. I wasn’t worthy of that; no one was.
“I’m fine, Azmir. How were the scallops? They looked as tasty as I am,” I quipped trying to change the subject. The waiter was removing our plates.
It earned me a slow chuckle from him.
“Not quite as, but they were good. How was your eggplant?” he gave a bashful smirk. He wasn’t expecting my jest.
“Really good.”
The waiter asked if we wanted to see the dessert menu. I declined not wanting to take up too much of Azmir’s time. I knew he had a plane to catch that evening, besides I felt I’d overdone it with my main entrée and didn’t want to tip the scale later on. To my surprise, Azmir asked to see it and ordered sorbet.
“Thanks for relieving me of my Sunday meal responsibilities.” My forehead wrinkled as I was, that quickly, hit with revelation. Clearly, wine didn’t slow my brain. “You know, I don’t think you’ve taken me to a bad restaurant yet.”
He smiled. “And I don’t endeavor to. Tell me, what are your plans for the week?”
I took a sip of my wine before answering, “The usual: counseling, dance, and church. Oh, and awaiting your return on Thursday,” I flirted with a salacious narrowing of the eyes a slow licking of my top lip.
“Good. As you should,” he smirked in a way that I didn’t think I’d seen him do before. “My mother is flying into town next week.”
“Oh, yeah? Where to?”
“I’ve arranged for her to stay at a hotel for a little while until she gets a lay of the land.”
This was news to me. I recalled offering my place for her to stay indefinitely.
“Isn’t a hotel a bit impersonal? I mean, you just said you don’t know how long she’ll be out here.”
He raised his head and put down his napkin. I had hope I didn’t offend him and didn’t mean to intrude, but I knew this town could be a lot to take in.
“I mean, what are you going to do about her transportation? Is she coming alone? How will she get around or know where to go? With your schedule, you’re unlikely to be around for assistance.”
With narrowed brows he muttered, “I didn’t think about all of that. The hotel plan wasn’t permanent, but I figured that was the only way to start. I could take her around to my vacant properties to see if she likes one of them but she’d need time to consider it and get to know the town. I hadn’t thought about transportation. I could arrange for car service,” he sounded doubtful.
“Azmir, car service may be a means to getting her around, but it won’t resolve the issue of knowing where to go. It’s not a personal touch. Why didn’t you think to have her stay with us? Heaven knows there’s plenty of room.”
He steeled in place, looking me square in the eyes, “Our bubble.”
I understood immediately what he meant. We had no visitors until this week, not even Petey had come through, at least since I’d been there. However, this was a special circumstance, it was his mother.
“I think that could be breached…temporarily. Just until she gets settled. Or you can consider my original offer and let her stay and my place. She can stay as long as she likes.”
His eyes were suspended in the air at the thought. “We have a few days until she arrives. Give me some time to think about it.”
I didn’t understand what he meant by that but immediately caught on that it was the end of that discussion. I suggested my place to him last week in New York and didn’t know if he had ruled that out or simply forgotten about it.
