Qaletaqa

by Gladden, DelSheree

  “Alright, tell me how to do it,” I said.

  “Close your eyes.”

  I did.

  “Shut away the noise coming from outside of you.”

  Every distant chirp and purring engine seemed to rise in volume as I tried to push them away. Talon waited patiently as I cleared my mind, one by one, of all distractions.

  “Every thought is a signal. These signals have substance. Form a thought in your mind and hold it. Feel its weight and shape.”

  What he asked was not easy. Thoughts flooded into my mind. I struggled to hold only one and banish the rest. Eventually I found a thought substantial enough to overpower everything else. Claire. I focused on my love for her until nothing else remained. Slowly I began to understand what Talon was talking about. I began to sense the form and shape of my thoughts. In the blackness of my mind I saw and felt the single strand that held my love for Claire. The strand was smooth and long, gliding through my mind in a beautiful ballet.

  “Forming a shield is very much like forming a thought. The substance and shape of your thoughts should be exactly the same as your shield. Try forming a barrier around your mind that will keep your thoughts safely inside,” Talon instructed.

  My jaw tightened with effort as I attempted to create a barrier. It was several long minutes before the invisible cage closed completely and sealed away my thoughts of Claire. A deep breath blew out of Talon in something similar to a sigh. I kept my eyes closed, making sure the barrier wouldn’t dissipate too quickly. I reveled in the peacefulness a few seconds longer before releasing my hold to ask Talon a question.

  “Do I have to let go of the barrier every time I want to speak with you?” I asked.

  “You can, but it will be much easier if you simply change the shape of the thoughts you want to release. The barrier will only keep in the thoughts you design it to hold,” Talon said. “Try to do exactly that. Form your barrier, then create a thought that is different enough to slip through.”

  “I’ll try,” I said. What he asked made very little sense, but I tried anyway. Pushing away the external noise was much easier this time. I captured a single thought and measured its makeup. My barrier came up much more quickly than before, bringing with it the quiet peace I needed.

  I enjoyed the solitude for a few seconds before moving on to my next task. I remembered how my usual thoughts felt and struggled to shape a new thought into something different. I focused on my need to speak with Talon. Thinking of my animal companion helped, warping my thought into something heavier and thicker. It reminded me of the way his fur felt.

  Awkwardly I pushed the new thought out of the barrier.

  “Can you hear me?”

  Talon’s response was colored with pride. “Yes, I can.”

  I relaxed, releasing the barrier and the thoughts. I felt confident that I would be able to duplicate the technique when I needed it again.

  “Thank you for teaching me that, Talon.”

  “You have adapted to this style of communication so easily already I’m sure you will master using a shield quickly,” Talon said. “Please be sure to practice shielding your thoughts tonight.”

  The heat of embarrassment tried to rise again, but I quickly sent it away. “I will,” I said. “Good hunting tonight.”

  Talon nodded and darted into the black night.

  8: Lifeline

  The hotel clerk looked up at us with a smile that belied the late hour. “With all the tourists here in Boulder, it’s a wonder we even have anything,” she said. “Luckily, we do have a couple of king-sized singles left. Would you like one of them?”

  I glanced over at Claire for some hint of what she thought about the room. A king-sized single. Her pleasant smile gave nothing away. She had been wearing the same expression since entering the lobby. “Yes, we’ll take the room,” I said. Still no reaction from Claire.

  “Cash or credit?” the receptionist asked.

  “Cash,” I said, digging my wallet out of my back pocket. The room was expensive, and I was suddenly very glad of the money my mom had given me before I left San Juan. I laid the money on the counter and waited for the cheerful attendant to hand me the electronic key cards.

  “Breakfast starts at seven,” she said.

  I thanked her and started toward the elevator. Carrying my backpack over one shoulder, I wished Claire had let me carry hers as well. I pushed the button for the elevator and shoved my free hand into my pocket. I kept glancing over at Claire. She smoothed a stray hair, adjusted her backpack straps, smiled at me, and gave no sign of nervousness.

  The soft bing of the elevator rang just before the doors started sliding open. Claire stepped out and walked calmly down the patterned commercial carpet that lined the hallway. I rushed after her. It took two tries before I managed to insert and remove the electronic keycard at just the right time in order to release the lock. I held the door open for Claire. She looked up at me as she walked past. The corner of her mouth was tucked firmly between her teeth.

  Finally, some sign of hesitation.

  The door swung shut behind us after we stepped inside. The hard thud of my backpack dropping to the floor was the only sound in the room until Claire spoke.

  “I’m going to brush my teeth. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  She followed up her casual statement with a quick kiss before taking her toiletry bag into the bathroom. I couldn’t move until the metal of the doorknob clicked into place. My feet carried me across the room to the window, then back toward the door. Thoughts raced through my mind, but none of them answered the questions I had.

  Remembering my conversation with Talon, I struggled to calm my mind enough to form a shield around my thoughts. I didn’t know what was about to happen, but good or bad, I knew it would be something Talon did not need, or want, to hear. Slowly, I pinpointed the shape and feel of my thoughts and fashioned an invisible barrier around them. It was slightly easier than the first time, and I hoped that it would stay in place long enough. The soft noise of the bathroom door opening spun me around to face Claire.

  She tugged at the yellow and green track and field shirt she was wearing. She moved her hand to tuck her hair behind her ear, even though it was already in place. I wondered what she was thinking. Seeing her uncertainty, I went to her and pulled her into my arms. Claire’s hands came up to my face, pulling me down to kiss her. We had kissed hundreds of times since that day on the riverbank, but the kiss Claire gave me now was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Santa Fe, graduation, and our engagement were put to shame. Not even the pain racing through my body at her touch could faze me. I crushed her up against me, gasping for breath between each ardent kiss. I stopped looking for answers and gave myself over to her captivating warmth.

  The back of my legs bumped up against the edge of the bed before I realized we had moved. I had a fleeting thought that I should do something to stop what was happening, but Claire’s forceful pressure pushed the thought away as I pulled her onto the bed. Claire’s lips dove against mine. I was ready to match her intensity. A million thoughts raced through my mind as her warm body moved against mine. Years of pent up passion begged for release, and I no longer had the strength or desire to hold it back.

  Pressing Claire against me, I came up to a sitting position. I moved my lips to her neck, kissing the curve of her skin all the way down to the tip of her shoulder. Claire’s hands moved down my back, sending a wave of electricity racing down my spine as her fingers hooked under my shirt and pulled it up. Releasing Claire long enough to let the thin material slip over my head, my hands came down to her waist, searching for the hem of her shirt.

  My fingers touched her bare skin. A shiver ran through her, making me pause. Softly her lips touched my forehead. I took the kiss for encouragement and began sliding my hands up her torso. A single tear splashed onto my hot skin.

  Awareness of the salty droplet brought me out of the bliss I was enjoying. I pulled back from Claire enough to see her face. She lo
oked up at me with longing, but the glint of moisture in the corners of her eyes stayed my hands.

  “Claire,” I whispered. There was no question about what either of us wanted. The reasons behind the desires were not as clear. I wanted to say more, but I didn’t know what to say or how to say it right. “Claire, we don’t have to do this.”

  “I know. I want this, Uriah,” Claire said.

  It should have thrilled me to hear those words, but the lingering sadness in her voice held back my excitement. “We’ll have other chances. It doesn’t have to be now.”

  Claire kissed my lips gently, begging me to stop talking. I had to clench my fists in an effort not to give in to my pulsing desire.

  “I don’t want to wait anymore, Uriah.”

  Promises to her father and lectures from my mother, and even my dad’s closely held lessons had no bearing on my hesitation. Those had flown out of my mind the second the hotel sign came into view. I wanted nothing more than remove the shirt I had once worn from Claire’s body along with everything else. Something else held me back.

  “Do you think this is the last night we’ll have together?” I asked.

  Claire laid her head again my shoulder and ran her fingers up and down my bare chest, sending ripples down my spine. “You don’t know what you’re about to face, Uriah, but I do.”

  I didn’t understand. What could lead Claire to believe that she knew more of the Matwau than I did? I wasn’t criticizing her knowledge, just stating a fact. She knew only what I had told her, and there were a few precious details I had kept back even from her.

  “Facing your Twin Soul, it will be so much harder than you think,” she said.

  Suddenly I began to understand.

  “You’ll need every memory of me strong in your heart if you hope to hold onto our love. Even with every sweet moment we’ve had together, I nearly didn’t make it,” Claire said. “I want to give you something powerful, something to tie us together even stronger than before.”

  I sighed in a mix of relief and physical disappointment. My fear when she mentioned the bond had been that Claire truly believed I wouldn’t be able to choose her over Melody, that she wanted to share the night with me because she was scared there would be no other nights left for us. Slowly, I took Claire’s hands in mine and brought them up around my neck. Resting my hands on her shoulders, I held her in my gaze.

  “Claire, as much as I want to feel your bare skin against mine right now, this isn’t the right time. I don’t want our first time together to come out of fear that you might lose me if we don’t,” I said. Claire started to interrupt, but I leaned in and kissed her before any words that might change my mind could slip out. “Not even having sex with you tonight could make my love for you any stronger than it already is.”

  “Uriah, you don’t know what I went through. You weren’t there,” Claire said.

  Her expression said she wasn’t trying to lay guilt, but the burden of my foolish choices bore down on me. My hands slid down her arms, then ran back up again as I tried to collect myself. The movement pushed up the sleeves of her t-shirt. If Claire hadn’t winced and attempted to push the sleeves back down, I might never have seen what lay under the faded material. But I did. It was a sight I knew I would never forget. My hands tightened on one of her arms and refused to let go. Claire tried to yank her arm away, but I kept hold of her and slowly pulled her back to me.

  I had so see it again, so I pinched the green cloth between my thumb and first finger and pull it back. One by one I revealed a mass of purple splotches and fiery red lines. Claire turned her head away from me in shame. Anger built up inside my chest, threatening to burst out. Bruises and cuts. How had they gotten there? I couldn’t imagine a single person who would have tried to harm her. Even her father wouldn’t have physically abused her in any way.

  “Claire, what are these?” I demanded. What had I left her to?

  Claire tugged at my fingers, begging me to release my grip. I dropped her hand and grabbed the other one, pushing the sleeve back to reveal similar injuries. Misery that I had left her to such a fate seeped into me, but then fury took over.

  “What happened?” My grip on her arm was too tight. Claire tried to pry my fingers up, but I needed an answer first. Claire’s eyes met mine. The steel in her gaze darkened her milk chocolate irises.

  “I was all alone, Uriah. I tried to surround myself with memories of you, with your things, your clothes,” Claire said defiantly, “but it wasn’t enough after a while. It hurt so badly to be away from Daniel, but I didn’t want him. I didn’t! In the end, the only thing I could do was fight pain with pain.”

  Fight pain with pain? Scenarios whipped around in my mind before finally landing on the one I knew to be right. My grip loosened in defeat. “You did this to yourself?”

  “I had to,” Claire whispered. Her hands came up to my face once again, but not for another kiss. Pulling my forehead close enough to touch hers, she let her hands slide down to my cheeks. My tears rolled over her fingertips. “I had to do it to save myself.”

  Those words ripped through me. My hands gripped Claire’s and tore her soft fingers from my face. I dropped her arms, my heavy footsteps taking me to the window before I rounded on her. My sharp breathing had my chest pumping in and out. Claire took a hesitant step toward me. I wanted to run from her. I couldn’t stand to see the pain etched on her features, the pain I put there.

  “Uriah, it’s okay,” Claire said. She reached out her hand to me, but didn’t come any closer.

  I closed the distance between us and grabbed her hand. Shoving her sleeve back, I said, “This is not okay, Claire! This is my fault. I did this to you.” I wanted to beg her forgiveness, scar my own body if it would make any difference, but I knew it would never be enough. Nothing I could do would ever be enough.

  Claire’s lips thinned into a dark line. She ripped her arm from my grip and stared at me. The fire in her eyes and angry set of her jaw startled me. With two swift motions, she yanked both sleeves up and bared her battered arms. My body refused to bear up the weight of my guilt and I sunk down to my knees. Tears filled my eyes, but I refused to look away. I had to face what I’d done to her.

  “Yes, this is your fault,” Claire said. “Is that what you want me to say? Fine, feel guilty all you want, Uriah.”

  I stared up at her.

  “Yeah, you left me behind. That was stupid, okay? I couldn’t believe you actually left me there to fend for myself,” Claire said. “Why would you think I would survive any better without you there to help me? You were wrong. It was horrible. I cried every night, and most of the days too. The desire to run after Daniel was so strong that it physically hurt me not to go to him. I was desperate to find anything that reminded me of you.”

  Claire pulled at the shirt she was wearing. “I wore your clothes and listened to your music, touched everything in your room,” she said. Taking something from her back pocket, she threw it into my lap.

  I picked up the delicate paper star and stared at the inscription she had written on it so long ago. You are my light in the dark. It was one more reminder of how I had failed her. I put my other hand over the star and force my gaze back to Claire.

  “I was desperate to feel some part of you, just to convince myself that you would come back for me. Every day the bond grew stronger, trying to break me, but I fought back. You see these cuts and bruises, and you see your failure, but I see them and see my strength. This,” she said, holding her arms up and forcing me to look at them, “is what I was willing to do to keep my love for you.”

  My shoulders slumped forward. I dropped my head and let it hang down, staring at my empty hands. She was alone, cutting her soft skin and beating it until dark purple and scarlet left their telling marks while I had been hundreds of miles away. How could she ever forgive me for abandoning her when she needed me most?

  Claire sighed. Quietly, she knelt in front of me and placed her hands in mine. “Yes, it would have been easie
r if you had been there, but you weren’t. You thought you were doing what was right. I understand that. I think you were an idiot for doing it,” she said, a soft smile creeping onto her lips, “but I understand why you did. And I forgive you.”

  The hope in my heart lifted my gaze to meets Claire’s. “How can you forgive me after everything I put you through?”

  “When you were gone, it was the first time since that day on the riverbank, maybe in my entire life, that I was forced to rely on my own strength. You have always been there to keep me calm, or hold me up when I felt too overwhelmed to even find my footing. I relied on you too much. Facing the bond made me search for my own strength for once, and I found it,” Claire said. “It was hell, I won’t sugar coat it, but I realized that I am much stronger than I thought I was.”

  “I still should have been there to support you. And then I was stupid enough to do it again. I left the potion to break the bond with Quaile, and I ran,” I said. “I told myself that I was protecting you, but the truth is I was scared to see you.”

  “Scared to see me?” Claire asked.

  “I knew that if I stopped to see you before I left, I would never have the strength to leave again. You say you found your strength, but when it comes to the bond, I’m still looking for mine.” I pulled Claire into my arms. The pain of her touch lost power under her forgiveness. “I’m so glad you came after me, Claire. I don’t think I could do this without you.”

  Claire stayed in the embrace a moment longer before pulling back and looking at me very seriously. The deep frown in her features said she had something more to say. I let my arms release her warmth and returned her gaze.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  Claire’s fingers came up to my cheek, running her hands along my jawline. “The bond is so much stronger than you know.” She took my bandaged hand in hers. It stung when she pulled my fingers away from my palm, but I didn’t resist. “You did this for me. I knew the moment I opened the potion that you had suffered to bring me such a precious gift. As much as that must have hurt, it’s nothing compared to what you’re about to face,” Claire said. “I want you to be prepared.”