Murky Pond

by T. L. Haddix

  For a moment, she didn’t think he was going to answer as he stared at her, but he let out a breath. He picked up a pencil from the desk and tapped it against a stack of papers. “Thirty or so, maybe a little more up front as we get Mickey through his tooth thing. When can you start?”

  She glanced at her watch. “Now works for me.”

  Warren gave a short nod. “Then go ahead and report to Mickey. Tell him to buzz me if he has any questions. Oh, and do you mind letting him know the vet will be here tomorrow for exams?”

  Lily hurried to the door, needing fresh air and distance. “No problem, boss man. Thanks for letting me come back to work. And about earlier… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

  “I didn’t either,” he confessed quietly. “No apologies necessary.”

  “See you around then.”

  She’d started down the aisle, but his voice halted her.

  “Lily.”

  Turning, she tried to keep her face neutral. “Yeah?”

  He’d stopped in the office doorway, and his arms were once again crossed over his chest. He didn’t look at her when he spoke. “How long do you think you’ll stay?”

  She let out a soft breath and took a slow step toward him, shrugging. “I’m not sure. I don’t want to leave home again for an extended period, don’t have any plans to. It isn’t very ambitious of me, but I like the simplicity of my part of the work here, and Mom and Dad aren’t chomping at the bit to kick me out. I’m sorry I can’t tell you more specifics.”

  “That’s fine. I only wanted to have an idea.” He lightly slapped the side of the door a couple of times. “Guess we’d better get to it. You still have your work clothes?”

  Lily gave him a lopsided grin. “Of course I do. I’ll go get in uniform and get to work. Thank you. I mean that.”

  Her legs were still shaky, and she clenched her hands as she left the barn, trying to downplay her reaction to their most recent meeting. She didn’t know whether she was grateful for the interruption or not.

  “That’s not true,” she told herself as she headed for the house to get changed. “You’re both. And that’s slightly pathetic, Lily.”

  At least they’d not yelled and tried to rip each other apart. That had to be progress, she thought. And at least Warren wasn’t trying to deny there was an attraction between them. Surely to goodness that meant something. For the life of her, she couldn’t figure out what exactly that was.

  His admission that he was considering taking another job left her feeling almost as unsteady as the intimacy. The idea that Warren might really leave, that he’d not be a part of her life in any way, was devastating. For close to eight years now, he’d been one of her best friends, not even considering she’d been in love with him for at least half that time.

  “Maybe he won’t go. Maybe we’ll figure out a way to make this work.”

  She’d been afraid to ask him why he was contemplating the move, too afraid he’d say it was because of her. Lily couldn’t have stood that. Briefly, she considered telling her parents about the conversation, at least that part of it. But she rejected the notion, much for the same reason she’d not mentioned her job plans to them. She didn’t want them to put pressure on Warren to stay, and given how much they both thought of him, they might do just that.

  “We’re on our own here,” she said on a sigh as she reached the house and let herself into her apartment. “I hope we make as good a decision as Mom and Dad did when they were faced with such a big crossroad.” Whatever that decision turned out to be, she fervently hoped she could live with the results.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Done any camping lately?”

  Warren’s smile started as soon as he heard the words. Turning, he grinned. “Owen Campbell. How are you, sir?”

  Owen smiled as they shook hands. “Well enough. You?”

  “Eh, hanging in there. Staying busy. To answer your question, yes. Caleb and I took the boys to the Land Between the Lakes a few weekends ago. We had a blast.”

  “They’re growing up on you. Didn’t Elijah just have a birthday?”

  Warren nodded. “He’s sixteen now. And Hadley’s not far behind. Just three more years and he’ll be driving too. Caleb’s beside himself, they’re getting so big.”

  “I remember those days well. It’s a hard time to be a parent. Don’t let me interrupt you.” Owen gestured to the clipboard Warren held.

  “You aren’t, and even if you were, I’d make the time. I was wondering when I’d get to see you. Ainsley mentioned yesterday that you’d come in for a little stay. How’s Sarah?”

  “Busy buying up all the fabric and baby yarn the stores have. We have some little ones on the way, you might have heard.”

  “I did,” Warren said with a smile. “Molly was in, and she said she was having a blast watching everyone hover. Congratulations. All that hard work with the matchmaking paid off.”

  Owen huffed, but he smiled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Sure you don’t. Want to meet our latest guest? She’s a looker.”

  As he introduced Owen to Sorbet, the palomino who’d come to them via a rescue operation, Warren tried to ignore his guilty conscience from having had his hands on Lily. That conscience had been plaguing him since their encounter, and he’d worked hard to try to shove that guilt aside.

  “We’re having a little barbecue tonight up at the big house,” Owen said as they walked outside a while later. “Probably around seven or so. Why don’t you join us? I know Sarah’d love to see you, and it’d be nice to catch up when you aren’t busy.”

  Despite his instinctive hesitance, Warren couldn’t think of a single reason to say no. “I’d love to. Thank you.”

  Owen smiled. “Good. I’ll get out of your hair then.” He patted Warren’s shoulder and was off.

  Warren had always liked and respected Ben’s father in equal measures. He’d first met Owen and Sarah not long after joining Caleb and Brooke, as Owen was quite close to Caleb’s father, Trent, and would visit him and Cora frequently. The men were cousins, with Trent’s father, Eli, being Owen’s maternal uncle. Eli had, in fact, partially raised Owen. Then when Sarah’s widowed mother married Eli in the early 1990s, the family connection had been strengthened.

  Caleb had once joked that trying to explain their convoluted family tree to outsiders without making it sound as if he was his own grandfather was a hard task. He wasn’t far off the mark. But there was no blood tie between the Sullivans and the Campbells or Wellses whatsoever, or between Sarah’s mother and Owen’s uncle, for that matter.

  The families, Campbell and Wells alike, were intensely private and wary of outsiders. They had deeply guarded secrets that needed protecting, with several of the members having abilities above and beyond the norm. That they’d welcomed Caleb, and by extension Warren, into the fold so deeply was truly a privilege, Warren felt, and one he hoped he never gave them cause to regret.

  Since he didn’t want to show up to dinner a stinking, sweaty mess, Warren headed home shortly after six. The quietness of his house struck him when he walked in and laid his keys on the counter beside the door in the mudroom. Most of the time, the emptiness didn’t bother him terribly, as he’d learned to live with it, but some days, it threatened to eat away at his soul.

  Those days had been occurring more and more frequently since Lily got home.

  In his sock feet, he headed for the fridge for a cold soda, then he swung into the bedroom, where he pulled off his clothes and tossed them into the pile in the corner. “One of these days, I’ll get a hamper.”

  He’d been meaning to replace the lidded basket that had given up the ghost on him a few months ago, but he hadn’t gotten around to it. A pang crept in and stabbed at his heart when the little voice that seemed to be haunting him whispered that if he had a woman in his life, she’
d make sure he had a new hamper.

  He turned the water on in the shower and rested his head against the edge of the stall as he waited for it to heat up. Tired, emotionally and physically, he closed his eyes and sighed.

  Grief was a tricky thing, he’d learned through the years. He’d accepted losing Jessie and the baby, but the memories still hurt on occasion. He still had bad days and nights when the what-ifs rose up to taunt him with merciless vigor, but mostly those were over.

  No, what bothered him the most these days were the thousand and one things an intimate partner did for a man, and he for her. That was what Warren missed, that closeness with another person. Instead of getting easier to deal with as time went on, the longing for a connection only seemed to be getting worse.

  As he soaped his chest and ducked under the spray, letting the water crash over his face and head, he thought about Lily. For a long time, until they’d been intimate really, she’d helped keep some of that longing at bay. He hadn’t known how much he’d come to depend on her friendship and presence until she’d left. That realization was a big part of why he’d reacted so angrily when she returned, he admitted now.

  Despite his best intentions, Warren was vulnerable where Lily was concerned. He had to ask himself, as he got out of the shower and dried off, just how far that vulnerability went. That was a question he’d been posing since the incident in the office.

  He didn’t like the answer he’d come up with. No, he didn’t like it at all. He had to say, much to his dismay, that it would break his heart clean in two if Lily met someone and started a relationship, fell in love, and got married. He thought about Austin, the farrier, and he scowled at his reflection in the mirror. Given how beautiful Lily was, inside and out, how funny and kind and smart, it was just a matter of time before someone came along and swept her off her feet.

  The pain he felt thinking about that scenario was nothing compared to how terrifying he found the idea of her getting hurt or dying. And as much as he wanted to reject this newfound knowledge that he was deeply attached to her in ways he’d not suspected, he was more appalled by his inclination to try to ignore the facts. That awareness scared him spitless.

  Somehow, Warren found himself in a situation where, within a very short amount of time, he knew he was going to have to make a decision regarding his future, a choice he never, ever in a million years thought he’d have to make again.

  “Do you want the girl or not, Sullivan?” he muttered as he shaved. “Are you too scared to hold on? Or are you strong enough to open yourself up to the hurt? After all, she might not want you in her life any more than what you already are.”

  The level of queasiness that rose when he considered that bleak future spoke to him loudly. He didn’t want to hear what it told him, but he was past the point of ignoring his feelings, past the point of tamping down on them and returning to the close friendship he and Lily had shared for so long. God help him, he was more deeply involved than he’d ever wanted to be, and the only way out he could see was to forge ahead, wherever that road might lead.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The drive back to the farm on Friday evening was pleasant, if warm and a bit humid. Once she left the main streets of the city behind, the air was perfumed with the smell of freshly cut grass and late-spring flowers. Lily had the truck windows down, and she shivered with enjoyment as the warm air moved over her skin. It made her hair, which was down around her shoulders, dance across her skin almost like the touch of a lover’s hand.

  “Better not let your thoughts go there, Lil,” she said as she slowed down to make a turn.

  She thought about the man she’d just left. When Austin had stopped by yesterday afternoon to drop off his monthly bill, he’d asked her out for coffee. Ordinarily, she wouldn’t have said yes, especially given what had happened just a day earlier between her and Warren. But she’d seen something that morning that had made her question everything about Warren, about them, and Austin had caught her at a raw moment.

  She’d known the farrier for a few years, ever since he’d taken over the business from his father and grandfather. If there’d been no Warren, she might very well have let herself become seriously interested in Austin. He was a nice guy, truly. They’d had fun tonight, and she smiled as she thought about some of the silly, non-bawdy jokes he’d told her.

  “I very much needed an evening out,” she told him as he walked her back to her truck after their coffee. “Thanks for understanding.”

  He moved a shoulder. “I appreciate the like-mindedness. It’s good to have a friend sometimes that you can lean on.”

  She’d gently explained to him when he issued the invitation on Thursday that she was working on getting over someone. To her surprise, he’d been immediately, immensely relieved, as he was in a similar situation.

  “So maybe we should do this again,” he said as they reached the truck. “It was nice to be able to talk to someone and not have the pressure of, well, having to audition, I guess.”

  “Yes, it was.” Lily fiddled with the strap of her purse and glanced across the parking lot at a group of laughing and joking teenagers. Watching them, she realized she’d never felt so old and tired. She gave Austin a rueful smile. “I’d love to do this again. Just let me know when. You have my number.”

  He held out his hand, and when she took it, he squeezed her fingers. “I’ll do that. See you soon.”

  Even though it hadn’t been a date, she’d dressed up, needing to feel pretty for herself. Hair, makeup, a soft dress, even a pair of sassy sandals with a heel, since Austin was quite a bit taller than her. She’d had to wear her glasses, as her allergies were flaring too much for her to comfortably wear contacts, but she’d still felt as if she could hold her own.

  Lily knew she was pretty. She even knew she could turn it up a few notches to stunningly beautiful, but it didn’t come as effortlessly to her as it came to some women. Her parents were both beautiful people, and her mother was elegant and poised without even trying. Lily tended to get distracted, to get a little lost in what she was doing sometimes, and worrying about how she looked often flew out the window, especially when she didn’t have to leave the farm.

  So when she’d come upon Warren with the new and attractive, put-together veterinarian yesterday morning in the main barn, when she’d seen how the woman looked at him, touched him, and she’d picked up on a very unexpected, subtle connection between them, it had rocked her hard. To be quite blunt, it had left her shattered.

  “How long has she been our vet?” she asked Ainsley later as they walked from one of the barns to another. Lily tried hard to act nonchalant, as though she weren’t in turmoil that had her longing to run for the hills. “Where’s Doc?”

  “Nikki has been working with him for eighteen months, maybe even two years,” Ainsley replied, a puzzled frown crossing her face. “I thought for sure you’d met her.”

  Lily shook her head, thinking about the tall, confident brunette who’d stood a little too close to Warren to be accounted for by sheer politeness or even friendship. “Nope.”

  “Huh, well, I guess you have been gone more than you’ve been here, what with traveling with Agatha. Yeah, Nikki’s the one who comes out most of the time now. Doc’s on the verge of retiring.” Ainsley hesitated, then said in a low voice, “I don’t like her as well as Doc. She’s competent, but she doesn’t have a special touch with the horses like he does.”

  “Warren seems to like her.” Lily’s eyes widened when her mother winced and looked away. “Mom! You don’t mean… when?”

  Ainsley shrugged. “I don’t know for sure that they slept together.”

  “Mom.”

  “I don’t! It was right when she started coming out here with Doc. I have my suspicions, but that’s all they are. Suspicions.” She looked at Lily with sympathy. “I’m sorry. I thought you knew.”

  Lily wouldn’t meet her gaz
e. “It has nothing to do with me.”

  She and Ainsley had parted ways soon after that thankfully, and for the rest of the day, Lily worked hard, pushing herself, trying to pretend the conversation had never happened. So she’d not even let herself think about refusing, aside from making sure he knew her status, when Austin had asked her out.

  Somehow, she’d managed to avoid Warren the rest of Thursday and all of Friday. Since he wasn’t scheduled to work this weekend, she might get really lucky and not have to see him again until Monday or Tuesday. Maybe by then she would know what in the world to do with herself.

  When she pulled in to park, however, she nearly ran into the brick wall in front of her, distracted by the ATV sitting next to the garage. “Son of a bitch. You fricking bastard. What the hell are you doing here?”

  It was nearly eight o’clock, and she groaned, glaring at Warren’s little runabout. Her grandparents had probably invited him up for dinner.

  She wasn’t upset because he’d been intimate with the leggy brunette. Not on principle. It was the idea that she hadn’t known about the other woman, that it was even possible he’d been seeing Nikki at or near the same time he and Lily had had sex. Plus, if the way the woman had acted was any indication, she didn’t think things were over between them. For all Lily knew, they were still seeing each other. That very thought made her sick. She didn’t think Warren would do such a thing, but she was so over her head with the man, she didn’t know which way was up anymore.

  Winding her hands around the steering wheel, she pulled in some slow, deep breaths while she tried to get a handle on her temper. The very last thing she wanted to do was storm into the house acting like some angry, cast-aside girlfriend who didn’t know her boundaries.

  “That would be a total overreaction, all out of proportion, and you’d truly come across looking like an idiot, Lily Jane.” It would also let the cat out of the bag in front of the last people on the planet she wanted to know the truth. “It’s bad enough that Mom was giving me the pity-eye yesterday.”