Ashes & Embers Series Collection (Books 1 to 4)

by Carian Cole

  When he opens the door and lets me in, he looks different, somehow older, as if he’s aged in just a few weeks. He also looks bigger and more muscular, meaning he’s been hitting the gym more than his norm, probably using it to work out his frustrations and anger. He’s even more attractive to me now, if that’s even possible.

  Without a word he quickly pulls me into a tight hug in the middle of his front foyer. I wrap my arms around him, so scared that this could be our goodbye. I breathe him into me, missing him, his scent, and his embrace.

  “We have to talk,” he whispers.

  I nod. “Yes. We do.”

  We move into the living room and sit on the big couch together, where he holds my hand but seems to be struggling for words, so I take the lead.

  “Lukas, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I know I hurt you, and I can’t apologize for that enough. I just didn’t know who to believe. I love and trusted you both. Trying to figure out which one of you wasn’t telling the truth was so hard for me. She’s my daughter…”

  He stares past my face as he listens to me, the pain still evident in his dark eyes.

  “You were right,” I continue. “Paul bribed Macy with a new car. She planned the entire thing. I just didn’t think she was capable of such a thing.”

  He finally speaks, his voice despondent, lacking the sexy, teasing rasp that I grew to love so much. “I already knew that, Ivy. The problem is, you didn’t believe me. You were so quick to think I could do something like that. Like you don’t know me at all.”

  An emotional vice clenches my heart. My God, I’ve hurt him so badly, and I swore to him I never would.

  I take a slow steady breath in an effort to calm my quaking nerves. “I can only apologize and try to start new. I’m so sorry. She’s my daughter, Lukas. You don’t know how torn I was, not knowing who to believe. She’s never lied to me before.”

  His eyes switch up to meet mine, and they’re filled with sad defiance. “Neither have I.”

  I squeeze his hand tighter. “I know you haven’t. It just looked so bad, her coming out of your room with no clothes on. You had her lipstick on your face. What was I supposed to think?”

  “You threw my ring at me. You threw me away.” He takes a deep breath. “You broke my fucking heart.”

  My heart pounds with fear against my ribs. “I didn’t mean that. I was scared and confused, and I acted irrationally. All the shit that Paul did to me just bubbled up to the surface. I know I was wrong and I should have given you a chance to explain better, but I just had a total meltdown.”

  “I’ve been scared and confused my entire life, Ivy. Until I met you, and then everything felt right to me. But then, you went and tore my heart out. You wouldn’t even listen to me. You made me talk to you out on your front steps, while your ex was inside, and then you made me leave while he stayed.”

  I cringe at that memory. Why did I do that? He has every right to be furious with me for that, and I deserve it.

  “You’re right,” I agree. “That was awful of me to do, and I can see that so clearly now.” How could I have been so blind? “But, that day, I just couldn’t get my head together.”

  “I’ve had a rough time dealing with all of this—losing Katie, losing you, Vandal and his problems with his new chick. I can’t fix everyone, especially when I’m broken myself. It’s been really hard for me to keep it together during this, without you.”

  “Lukas, you don’t have to fix anyone. Vandal can take care of himself. He’s stronger than you think. And we can fix us, together. Give me the chance to prove to you how much I love you, and I won’t ever let you down again.”

  Saying nothing, he stares at the wall for a few minutes. I know he’s thinking, because that’s what he does. He thinks. But every second that ticks by scares me, not knowing what he’s going to say or do.

  “I can forgive you, because I know how torn you were. I had a hard time believing Macy could do something like that myself, and I actually witnessed it. So, yeah, I get it.” He rubs my hand slowly with his thumb as he talks. “But, in the future, you have to trust me. There can be no gray area. I can’t . . . I won’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me completely. I need you on my side, no matter what, just like I would be for you. No fucking questions or doubts. If you can’t give me that as my wife, then this will never work.”

  “You’re right. You shouldn’t accept any less. And I promise you I’ll never doubt you again.”

  He brushes his hand across my cheek and locks his eyes onto mine. “I hope not, Ivy. It would be a deal breaker if it happened again. I’m in this forever. You have my heart, and I want yours. Unconditionally. I’m willing to move past this and put it behind us, because I know how confused you were with your daughter being involved, but I don’t ever want to go through something like this again.”

  “I don’t, either. I don’t ever want to be apart from you again,” I whisper. “I love you, and I miss you so much. These past few weeks have been horrible. I hate myself for hurting you…” My wall collapses and the tears break free, making me choke.

  He pulls me against his chest, holding the back of my head with his hand, and presses his lips to the top of my head.

  “I love you, too, Ivy. And I hate to do this to you right now, because the timing couldn’t be fucking worse. But, I need to talk to you about something. So much happened while we were apart,” he swallows hard. “And if you can’t do this with me, I understand.”

  I sit up and stare into his face, and I can see he’s tortured, dealing with some sort of struggle I know nothing about. Whatever it is, I should have been here helping him through it and not off by myself trying to figure out if he had cheated on me.

  “You’re scaring me,” I say, remembering what Asher told me about his heart. “Are you sick?”

  “No, I’m fine. I’m exhausted, though, from trying to figure out how to do this and not lose you all over again. It’s why I needed some time to think this all through, and I’m sorry for my part in that.”

  I grip his hand. “Tell me. Please.”

  He licks his lips nervously. “It changes a lot, Ivy.”

  Fear ripples through my body, but I nod assuredly. “It’s okay. I love you. I still want to marry you. That hasn’t changed. Nothing could change that.”

  “I want that, too, but it’s a little more complicated now.” He takes a deep breath. “I have to know if we can get through this together, so I can make a decision. So we can both make a decision.”

  I can’t follow where he’s going with this conversation. “I’m confused,” I admit. “Did something happen?”

  He shuts his eyes for a long moment. “Yes.”

  “You’re really scaring me.”

  “Rio came by last week.”

  I tilt my head at him, not sure who that is. “Rio?” I repeat.

  “She’s a friend of mine, but I was also involved with her before I met you.”

  Oh, no. My heart pounds, knowing that what he’s going to tell me is going to change our lives forever.

  “Okay,” I say, slowly remembering. “You told me about her during one of my first tattoo appointments. You had just broken up with her.”

  He nods. “Yes, that’s her.”

  “What about her?”

  “She’s pregnant. Due very soon, actually.”

  My heart seizes. “Oh.” Is all I can manage to say. Another woman is having his baby.

  He touches my chin and lifts my head to stare into my eyes. “It’s not my baby, Ivy.”

  “Wh- what do you mean?” I ask, my voice shaking.

  “It’s Vandal’s.”

  My mouth falls open in shock. “He was with her?”

  “Yup. Apparently before, during, and after me. He stopped when he met Tabi.”

  I cover my mouth with my hand, knowing how much the fact that two people betraying him at the same time must be tearing him up inside. “I’m so sorry, Lukas. I can’t believe your brother would do that to you…”r />
  He lets out a little laugh. “I’m not surprised. Vandal takes what he wants. And to be honest, that part doesn’t bother me. I wasn’t in love with her.”

  I’m not sure what’s going on and what about this could have him so upset. “How does this affect us, though? I’m confused.”

  He’s quiet for a moment. “Rio is in no position to have a baby. She’s in a band, traveling and partying a lot, and she told me just doesn’t have it in her to take care of a baby. She’s not ready. Vandal doesn’t know.”

  “She didn’t tell him?”

  “No, and she doesn’t want to. He’ll come unglued, Ivy. She and I both know that. Hell, everyone knows that. He’ll freak the fuck out if he knows she’s pregnant so soon after losing Katie. It will tear him apart. He’s still a mess from everything that happened to him.”

  “You don’t think it would make him happy? To have another child in his life? Maybe it will make him better? A new beginning?” I suggest hopefully.

  He chews his lip ring. “No. It won’t. I know him, Ivy. He’ll resent the baby for being alive while Katie is dead.”

  “Lukas, that’s a terrible thing to say. You don’t know that-“

  “I do, Ivy. Trust me. He isn’t wired right. Rio refuses to let him be involved, she's afraid of what he’ll do to her, or the baby, or to himself. And as much as I love my brother, I have to admit I think she’s right. It’s way too soon for him.”

  I shake my head, not wanting to believe this about any parent. “But it’s his baby. He has a right to know.”

  “Rio wants to put the baby up for adoption. She’s been telling everyone she doesn’t know who the father is,” he sits up and leans his elbows on his knees. “You have no idea what it’s like to not be wanted by your parents, Ivy. I lived that. So did Vandal. I don’t want this baby to grow up like that. That’s my niece or nephew she’s got, and I can’t let that go.”

  I gently rub his back and he turns to look back at me, his hair falling into his face, giving me just a glimpse of his anguished expression. This is completely tearing him apart.

  “I can’t let her adopt that baby out to strangers, Ivy. I’ll never be able to live with that, knowing my brother’s kid, a part of my family, is out there somewhere. Not knowing if they’re okay, or if they’re loved. I just can’t let it happen.”

  My hand freezes on his back. I can’t understand where he’s going with all of this. I don’t want the baby to end up in a bad place either, but what can we do about it? It’s Rio’s baby, it has to be her decision.

  “Lukas, what are you going to do? If it’s not your baby, you don’t have any rights. You’re only the uncle.”

  “We know that, Ivy. But no one else has to.”

  My heart jumps for the hundredth time today as what he’s eluding to slowly sinks into me. “What do you mean?” Does he want to raise the baby with Rio?

  “I want to let everyone believe the baby is mine. And I want to adopt it, and raise it with you. Rio is willing to sign over her rights, and agree to a private adoption, to let us adopt the baby together. I talked to Gram and Asher about it, we talked to a lawyer, and had papers drawn up. Rio is in total agreement; she thinks it’s the best thing for the baby. She trusts me. I just need to know if you can do this with me, because I don’t want to lose you.”

  This is the last thing I ever expected. My brain ricochets around in my head, trying to recover from the stress of the past few weeks with Lukas, Macy and Paul, and now this unexpected shock on top of that. Could I raise someone else’s baby? Under the guise that it’s my husband’s and another woman’s? I’ve always hoped I could have one more child, but I’ve never considered any kind of adoption. Or such a bizarre scenario.

  He turns and takes both of my hands in his. “Ivy, I know this is a lot to take in and I’m asking you for a lot at the worst possible time. Even though we just had a huge misunderstanding with Macy, I still have nothing but faith in you and I. And I know it’s going to be hard for you to raise a baby, with everyone around us thinking it’s mine and someone else’s, and you don’t deserve that. At all. But you’re a great mother. We can give that baby a great life. I know we’ll love her. Or him.”

  “Lukas…” What twenty-four-year-old man wants to raise a baby that’s not his? And take on that kind of lifetime responsibility, without hesitation? Only Lukas.

  “I can’t let my brother’s baby be given away. It’s just not right. I can’t let him lose two kids, even though he doesn’t even know one exists. I’ll know. And I can’t let it happen. I loved Katie so much, and this baby is her half brother or sister. Family means so much to me. I just can’t let Rio allow someone else raise that baby and never know if it’s okay. I’m afraid I’ll never get it out of my fucking head.”

  He waits for me to answer but I just can’t even put a coherent sentence together. My mind and my heart is whirling around with everything he’s asking of me. Adopting a baby. Raising another baby. That isn’t mine. Or his. That belongs to his psychotic brother…

  “I can do this without you, Ivy. But I’d much rather do it with you, as a couple. And that’s not the reason why I want you back. I love you and I want to spend my life with you. The timing of this is just so bad, but I have to make a decision soon. Even if you don’t think you can be a part of this, I still want us to be together. We’ll find a way to make it all work, so I can adopt the baby and still have a relationship with you. I’m not going to let you go. I’ll make this work.”

  “This is a lot to take in,” I finally say, letting out a deep breath. “Do you plan to tell him someday?”

  “Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe someday, if he ever calms down.”

  “If he finds out, he could hate you, Lukas. He could try to fight all this, and take the baby away. He’s the biological father. I have no idea what kind of mess that could be.”

  “I don’t think that will ever happen, Ivy. The only people that know are Rio, us, Asher, and Gram. No one else will ever know.” Years of watching Days of Our Lives makes me believe that everyone will find out eventually and it will turn into an epic fight with an innocent child being stuck right in the middle. That’s the last thing I would ever want to happen.

  “I think what you want to do is very caring and noble, Lukas, but someday, this could get really messy. A lot of hearts could get broken. Relationships destroyed.”

  He chews his lip ring and nods. “I know that. But the alternative is even worse. At least to me. If someday it happens, then we’ll have to deal with it. But at least the baby will be safe, and in his or her own family.”

  “Are you sure it’s not your baby? Is it possible?” As much as I don’t want another woman to have his baby, it seems like it would be way easier to deal with than the dark cloud of Vandal hanging over our heads.

  He shakes his head. “I only actually slept with her twice, and I used protection. She said she and Vandal were together a lot while they were both drunk and there was a time when the condom ripped. She wasn’t with anyone else.”

  I remember being eighteen and pregnant, scared out of my mind--not knowing if Paul would stay by my side, and dealing with my parents disappointment in me. My entire world changed when I got pregnant, and the only thing I was sure about was that I wanted my baby to be safe and loved. My parents tried to talk me into adoption, but I couldn’t bear the thought of giving my baby away, not ever knowing what happened to her. And while I’m very disappointed in Macy right now, I wouldn’t change a thing. I understand what Lukas is feeling. His love for family is so deep. His need to take care of people has been ingrained in him since he was a little boy. To try to sway him from his intense beliefs to raise this baby would destroy him, and go against the very traits in him I respect the most.

  I prayed for unconditional love, and I have that with him. Of course I will give it back to him.

  “Okay…” I say slowly, exhaling deeply. “If this is what you want, then yes. We’ll do this together, and hope for the very be
st for all of us.”

  He blinks at me, absorbing my words, holding my hand tighter in his. “Really? You love me enough to do this?”

  “Lukas, I love you more than enough to do this. I want you to be happy, and have peace in your heart. That’s the most important thing to me. If I can stand by your side and give you that, then I’m going to do it. No matter what.”

  Before I can say anything else, his lips are on mine, kissing me long and deep “God, I love you. And I’ve missed you so much,” he says between kisses. “I love you, Ivy. I promise I’ll never hurt you. I’m going to make all our dreams come true.”

  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out my engagement ring. “Can we try this again?” He asks, the sexy teasing rasp back in his voice. “You know how persistent I can be, I’ll propose to you every day if I have to.”

  “I totally believe you will,” I laugh softly. “Let’s make this the last time.”

  HE SLIDES the ring back onto my finger and pulls me into him, covering my mouth with his, taking me to that magical place again that only exists with him. Soon we’re frantically pulling each other’s clothes off, never breaking our kiss. As we make love on his living room floor with the light shining down on us from his stained glass windows, I know without a doubt that everything is going to be okay, as long as we have each other.

  EPILOGUE

  LUKAS

  MY WIFE.

  I watch her from across the room as she carries Hope from person to person so they can give her a birthday kiss. Hope giggles and waves her little chubby hands around as each person hugs and kisses her. Gram’s house has been turned into a party extravaganza for Hope’s first birthday, with balloons and everything unicorn-themed you can imagine, including a unicorn-shaped cake with a glittery horn Macy and Tommy helped me bake and decorate that came out awesome. Thankfully, lots of love and patience brought our little family back together. It’s going to take us a while to fully trust and forgive Macy, but we’re getting there, slowly, but surely.