Afraid

by Mandasue Heller

  Jeff was no coward but he was also no fool, and this was a battle that he instinctively knew he would lose. So, stepping back, he cast a look of betrayal at his so-called mates and walked out with his head held high. He had worked alongside those men for almost two years, and had probably spent more time with them than he had with Andrea and Skye. He knew their wives and kids, had celebrated their birthdays, and even supported them when they had suffered losses in their families. And they had done the same for him, so he didn’t get how they could change their opinion of him so suddenly and so completely.

  Shirley Dawson was at her desk, finishing off some paperwork before she packed up for the day. She glanced up when a shadow passed her office window and leapt to her feet when she saw Jeff walking past with a thunderous look on his face.

  ‘Wait!’ she called, running to the window and waving to catch his attention. ‘Jeff! JEFF!’

  He didn’t see her and carried on walking, so she dashed from the office and, ignoring the receptionists who asked what was wrong as she ran past, raced outside.

  ‘Jeff!’ she called again, running after him as he strode toward the gates. ‘Wait!’

  At last Jeff stopped and turned around. Out of breath when she reached him, Shirley gasped, ‘You should have called me back. I was trying to warn you.’

  ‘Go back inside,’ Jeff said, flashing an angry look back at the showroom when he spotted Tony watching through the window. ‘No point you getting into trouble as well.’

  ‘Sod him,’ said Shirley, after glancing back to see what Jeff was looking at. ‘I’m more concerned about you. Are you okay?’

  ‘Not really,’ Jeff replied tightly. ‘But there’s nothing I can do about it, ’cos he’s made it quite clear what’ll happen if I try to make a case of it.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Shirley said sympathetically. ‘You know if there was anything I could do …’

  ‘I know.’ Jeff sighed and ran a weary hand through his hair. Then, giving a defeated smile, he said, ‘Oh, well, back to the drawing board.’

  ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘No idea. But don’t worry about it, I’ll sort something.’

  ‘My offer’s still there if you need somewhere to stay,’ Shirley reminded him.

  Jeff nodded. ‘Thanks, love.’

  ‘No, really,’ Shirley insisted, sensing that his pride would prevent him from accepting. ‘And nobody need know if you’d rather they didn’t. I’ve got a spare room – you can stay as long as you need to.’

  Touched, Jeff reached out and squeezed her arm in a gesture of gratitude. Then, desperate to get out of there, he turned and walked away.

  Resigned, by the time he got home, to the fact that he was now out of a job as well as a home, Jeff rolled up his sleeves and carried all the boxes he’d packed into the living room. There were nine in total, and they were all heavy, because he’d crammed as much as possible into each one. His back was killing him by the time he’d finished, and he wasn’t looking forward to shifting them again when – if – he found a place to take them to. He was just glad that the furniture belonged to the landlord so he didn’t have to worry about tackling that as well.

  He spent the next few hours cleaning, but it was a futile task. Things had been pretty good when they had first moved in here; Andrea had been reasonably stable, and he’d just landed the job at the garage after months of struggling in part-time warehouse positions. But it hadn’t taken long for the cracks to appear, and as he went from room to room looking at the evidence of Andrea’s furious outbursts he knew he had a cat in hell’s chance of getting his deposit back. There were holes in almost every door, the wallpaper was ripped and stained, several pieces of furniture were broken, and both the fridge and the washing machine were dented from the kicks and punches that had been rained on them at one time or another. And then there was the bloodstained living-room carpet to replace on top of all that, so it was going to take for ever to pay it all off.

  Thoroughly depressed by the time he’d done everything that could be done to make the place look half presentable, Jeff sat on the couch with his head in his hands. He jumped when his phone beeped a short time later, and sighed when he saw a message from Shirley on the screen.

  I’ve got a bottle of wine, it read. And there’s a huge stuffed-crust pepperoni pizza in the oven that I can’t possibly eat all by myself. So what time should I expect you?

  She had written her address at the end, and finished off with a smiley face. Jeff couldn’t help but smile himself as he gazed at it. Shirley was a good woman, but more than that she was a good friend – and God knew he could use one of them right now.

  Having decided, Jeff slipped his jacket on and picked up the small bag he’d packed. Then, sure that the neighbours would probably watch him leave from behind their nets and cheer with joy to be rid of him, he switched off the lights and set off for Shirley’s place, calling in at a shop on the way to buy some much-needed cigarettes with the change he’d found down the back of the couch.

  Shirley’s ground-floor flat was a good twenty-minute walk from Jeff’s house and he was exhausted by the time he got there.

  ‘At last!’ she said, opening the door before he had a chance to ring the bell and giving him a huge smile. ‘I was starting to think you weren’t coming.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Jeff apologised, stepping inside and putting his bag down. ‘I was sorting the house out. Or should I say trying to,’ he added, rolling his eyes as he slipped his jacket off.

  ‘That bad?’ Shirley asked, taking the jacket from him and hanging it up.

  ‘Nothing a bulldozer wouldn’t fix,’ he quipped.

  He looked at her now, and frowned when he saw that she had changed out of her work blouse and skirt. She looked fresh and feminine in jeans and a baby-pink T-shirt, with her usually pinned-up auburn hair loose around her shoulders. ‘I haven’t stopped you from going out, have I?’

  ‘Oh, yeah, ’cos I’d look really hot bopping at the Ritz in these babies, wouldn’t I?’ Shirley teased, lifting her foot to show him her pink fluffy slippers. ‘Anyway, I invited you,’ she reminded him. ‘So, come on, let’s get you sat down; you look wiped.’

  Two table lamps were casting a warm glow around the small living room, and the TV was on in the corner with the volume turned down low. Shirley rushed over to the couch and positioned some cushions in the corner, then ordered him to take off his shoes and lie down.

  Jeff couldn’t help but smile as he slipped his feet out of his trainers. He’d had his reservations about coming here, mainly because of the conclusions that people would inevitably jump to if they found out. But any misgivings were already melting away, and he sank down onto the couch with a sigh of relief.

  ‘Thanks for this,’ he said gratefully. ‘I really appreciate it.

  ‘You’re more than welcome,’ Shirley said softly. ‘And, like I said, you can stay as long as you like.’

  ‘I’m hoping it’ll only be for a few days,’ Jeff assured her. ‘Just until I can get into a hostel.’

  ‘A hostel?’

  Jeff shrugged. ‘Wouldn’t be my first choice, but I can’t afford a deposit on somewhere private so I haven’t got much option. Don’t worry, I’ll pay my own way while I’m here,’ he added quickly, in case she thought he was expecting her to feed him as well as give him a temporary roof over his head.

  ‘Jeff, it’s fine,’ Shirley insisted. ‘And I don’t want your money. You’re still recuperating, so I just want you to relax and stop worrying. And tomorrow I’ll drive you over to pick up the rest of your stuff.’

  ‘No, it’s all right, the landlord says I can leave it there for a week,’ Tom told her. ‘I’m hoping I should have somewhere by then. No point shifting it twice, is there?’

  ‘Well, the offer’s there if you change your mind.’ Shirley smiled. Then, gesturing with a nod towards the kitchen, she said, ‘Best go and check on that pizza.’

  Jeff rested his head back against the cushions when sh
e’d gone and closed his eyes. He already felt more relaxed than he had in days, and he was so tired that he could easily have skipped dinner and gone straight to bed. Life was a living nightmare at the moment, and he dreaded to think what was going to get thrown at him next. But he’d be able to cope better if he could have one good undisturbed night’s sleep.

  His eyes were still closed when Shirley carried their plates through a short time later, and she smiled fondly as she gazed down at him. He was a good man, and he didn’t deserve what people were saying about him. The guys at work were supposed to be his friends, but they obviously didn’t really know him if they thought he was capable of what he’d been accused of. But then, he wasn’t the kind of man to reveal his private business to all and sundry, so they didn’t know the half of what his wife had put him through. Shirley knew some of it, because Jeff had trusted her enough to confide in her when things had been really bad and he’d needed someone to talk to. She had no doubt that it was even worse than he had intimated, but she refused to believe that he was the aggressor he’d been made out to be. He just wasn’t like that.

  When Jeff suddenly opened his eyes and looked up at her, Shirley blushed and quickly put the plates down on the table. ‘I thought you were asleep. I was just wondering if I should wake you and let you know dinner’s ready, or cover you with a quilt and leave you there for the night.’

  ‘I was only dozing.’ Jeff pushed himself upright to give her room to sit down, and grimaced as a sharp pain ripped through his back.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Shirley asked. ‘Do you need a painkiller?’

  ‘Yeah, I think I’d better,’ Jeff said, dropping his feet to the floor. ‘I forgot to take them earlier. And I missed my antibiotics, as well.’

  ‘Stay there, I’ll get them. Where are they?’

  ‘In my bag, front pocket. Thanks, love.’

  ‘Will you stop thanking me?’ Shirley chided. ‘I’m your friend, not Mother bloody Teresa.’

  She left the room and came back a few moments later carrying the pharmacy bag containing Jeff’s medication, along with a glass of water. Jeff took them from her and popped two capsules and two tablets out of the foil strips. When he’d washed them down, Shirley took the glass and placed it on the table before passing his plate to him.

  ‘You don’t have to wait on me,’ he said amusedly. ‘I’m not a complete invalid.’

  ‘No, but you need to rest,’ she insisted. ‘Anyway, I like looking after people. I always secretly wished I’d trained to be a nurse instead of getting into accounts. At least I’d have been doing something useful.’

  ‘You’d have been a great nurse,’ Jeff agreed, lifting a slice of pizza to his mouth. ‘You’ve got a great bedside manner.’

  He winced as soon as the words had left his mouth, and bit down on the pizza. This was another reason why he’d been hesitant about staying here: because he and Shirley had a tiny bit of history. It was only a drunken kiss at the works’ Christmas do, and he had immediately regretted it so they had agreed never to mention it again. But it was still there, hanging between them like an invisible veil, and the mention of bed – as innocently as it had been meant – brought the guilt rushing back.

  Beside him, Shirley’s heart was pounding. Determined to act as if everything was perfectly normal and she hadn’t noticed his discomfort, she turned up the TV volume and settled back in her seat to eat her dinner. She had liked Jeff from the moment they’d met, and had always thought him extremely attractive with his black hair, deep blue eyes, and quiet aura of strength. And she wasn’t the only one, because the receptionists at work had gone into flirt overdrive when they’d first laid eyes on him. He had made it clear from the off that he wasn’t interested in any of them, and Shirley respected him for that. But even though they had never spoken about the kiss since it had happened, he had to have guessed that she still fancied him if his reaction to the mention of bed just now was anything to go by. She knew it was selfish, but it had been a long time since she’d enjoyed the company of a decent man in her home. She had been looking forward to seeing Jeff tonight, so the last thing she wanted to do was scare him off and send him running for the hills.

  When they had finished eating, Shirley opened a bottle of wine and was relieved when the tension gradually evaporated. She and Jeff made small talk for a while, and watched a bit of TV. But when she caught him stifling the third yawn in as many minutes, she smiled, and said, ‘I think I’m ready to hit the sack. I’ve made up the spare bed for you, but feel free to stay up if you’re not ready to go to sleep yet.’

  ‘No, I’m shattered,’ Jeff admitted. ‘I need to make an early start on looking for a place tomorrow. And I want to call in at the police station to see if there’s any news on Skye.’

  Flooded with guilt at the mention of his missing daughter, Shirley gave him an apologetic look. ‘Oh, God, I totally forgot to ask about that. Have you heard anything yet?’

  Jeff shook his head and sighed. ‘I’m actually starting to wonder if they’re deliberately keeping me out of the loop because social services are involved.’

  ‘Social services?’ Shirley gave him a questioning look.

  ‘The police called them in,’ Jeff explained, remembering that they hadn’t really spoken about what had actually happened that night. ‘A social worker came to see me in hospital and took my key so she could pick up some of Skye’s stuff from the house. She got me to sign some forms while she was there, agreeing to let them look after Skye,’ he went on bitterly. ‘It was supposed to be a voluntary arrangement, but the bitch shifted the goal posts while I was laid up and applied for a protection order, so now I’m going to have to fight to get Skye back – if they find her.’

  Once he’d started, he couldn’t seem to stop and Shirley listened in silence as he poured out the whole story. Sad by the time he’d finished, she said, ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea things were so bad.’

  ‘Worst thing is, it’s my fault,’ Jeff murmured, thoroughly drained by now. ‘I knew Andrea was in a bad way, but I let her get to me and that was stupid. I should have just kept my mouth shut and made her start taking her tabs again, then none of this would have happened.’

  ‘Maybe not this time,’ Shirley said softly. ‘But I’ve got to admit I kind of agree with what that copper said. I know you don’t really like talking about Andrea, so I only know a fraction of what goes on day to day; but even I can tell that she’s got a serious problem. And if she could do that to you, what’s to say it wouldn’t be Skye next time?’

  ‘No.’ Jeff shook his head adamantly. ‘She’d never hurt Skye.’

  ‘She already did, when she hit her in the face with that ashtray,’ Shirley reminded him.

  Annoyed with himself for having told her about that, because it made Andrea sound like an out-of-control monster, Jeff said, ‘That was an accident. We thought Skye was asleep and didn’t hear her coming downstairs. Nothing like that has ever happened since.’

  Shirley could see that he was struggling and gave him an understanding smile. ‘I’m not bad-mouthing Andrea, I’m just saying it’s something you need to think about. She might get better now, but there’s always a chance that she’ll get ill again, and you have to be prepared for that – for Skye’s sake, if not your own. The good thing is, the police and social services must have dealt with thousands of cases like this, so they’ll know it’s not your fault and they won’t take Skye away from you permanently.’

  ‘You reckon?’ Jeff gave a derisive snort. ‘You haven’t heard the way they’ve been talking to me, or seen the way they keep looking at me, like I’m some kind of lowlife.’

  ‘I’m sure they don’t think that,’ Shirley said kindly. ‘They’re just trying to look out for Skye.’

  ‘Maybe,’ Jeff conceded bitterly. ‘But who’s looking out for her now they’ve lost her?’

  Shirley instinctively reached for his hand when she saw the pain in his eyes, and said, ‘I know this must be tearing you apart, but I honestly th
ink she’ll be fine, wherever she is. If she’s anything like her dad, she’ll be a strong, sensible girl who knows how to take care of herself. And, as bad as it sounds, if something awful had happened, I’m sure you’d have heard by now. It’s not like America, where kids go missing and never turn up again. This is a tiny country, and there are CCTV cameras everywhere these days. She’ll be spotted soon and brought home, you’ll see.’

  ‘I hope so,’ Jeff murmured. Then, squeezing her hand, he said, ‘Thanks, love. I needed to hear that.’

  ‘Any time,’ Shirley said sincerely.

  Aware that there was really nothing more to be said on the subject for now, they said goodnight and went to their separate beds. But as tired as Jeff had been before their chat, it took him an age to get to sleep. He had been worried that something bad must have happened to Skye, so Shirley’s words had given him a little comfort, because the police would definitely have told him by now if Skye had turned up at a hospital, or – God forbid – if a body had been found. So no news was definitely good news, he supposed. But he still wanted to know where she was, and wouldn’t be able to rest until she was found.

  11

  ‘Big girls don’t cry … bi-ig gi-irls, they don’t—’

  Skye abruptly stopped singing when the music died, and groaned when she realised that she had drained the Walkman’s batteries.

  Behind her on his blanket, Bernie sighed as if to say Thank God for that, and she smiled as she peeled off her rubber gloves. She hadn’t known any of the songs when Tom had given her Jade’s old Walkman and Four Seasons CD after finding them in the bedroom cupboard. But after being bored out of her skull without a TV to watch, she’d been playing the album non-stop as she cleaned the house and now knew every song by heart. She thought she sounded great singing along, but Bernie obviously didn’t agree.