Afraid

by Mandasue Heller

  After making the call, she had gone back to bed and gazed at Jeff as he lay sleeping. She had always liked and respected him, but her feelings had deepened considerably after he had moved in that first time and she’d had a chance to really get to know him. She had never imagined that he might ever feel the same way about her, so she’d been stunned when he had kissed her last night; and the lovemaking that had followed had been incredible.

  She just hoped he didn’t wake up with regrets and think that she had taken advantage of him when he’d been at his most vulnerable.

  Determined not to ruin the beautiful memory of their night together by allowing herself to become paranoid about it, Shirley got up after a while and took a quick shower before going into the kitchen to make Jeff a cup of coffee and some toast. Prison had taken a huge toll on him physically but he was as proud as ever, so she knew she’d have a fight on her hands getting him to accept her hospitality. But he needed building up, and she was determined to get him properly back on his feet again.

  She had just slotted the bread into the toaster and was reaching into the cupboard for cups when someone knocked loudly and insistently on the front door.

  A slim blonde woman was standing on the step, and she looked Shirley up and down when she answered the door. Then, a sneer on her lips, she said, ‘So you’re the bitch who destroyed my life, are you?’

  ‘Sorry?’ Shirley folded her arms defensively, conscious that she must look a mess with the towel around her hair and her satin dressing-gown damp in patches from where she hadn’t properly dried herself. ‘Do I know you?’

  ‘I’m Jeff’s wife,’ Andrea informed her icily. ‘Where is he? And don’t say he’s not here, because I know he is.’

  Thrown, because this was the first time she had ever seen the woman, Shirley wondered what to do for the best. She didn’t want to invite Andrea in, but she also didn’t want to leave her out here if she was going to cause a scene. Her nosy neighbours would be bound to notice, and the last thing Jeff needed right now was for it to turn ugly again.

  ‘Wait there a minute,’ she said, deciding that it would be best to let Jeff deal with it. ‘He’s in the spare room. I’ll go and get him.’

  Cheeks flaming, Shirley closed the door and rushed back along the hall. She didn’t know why she’d thrown that in about him being in the spare room, and it was obvious that the woman hadn’t believed her. But she’d panicked, and the words had come out before she could stop herself.

  ‘Jeff, wake up.’ She shook his shoulder gently. ‘Jeff!’

  He woke with a start and peered groggily up at her. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Andrea’s here,’ she told him. ‘She wants to see you.’

  ‘What?’ Jeff sat up and rubbed his eyes. ‘Are you joking?’

  ‘No.’ Shirley shook her head and re-tightened her dressing-gown belt. ‘She’s on the step. I didn’t know whether I should let her in or not.’

  ‘No, you shouldn’t,’ Jeff said, an uncharacteristic hardness creeping into his voice as he pushed the quilt off his legs and looked around for his clothes. ‘She had no right to come here.’

  ‘I told her you were in the spare room,’ Shirley murmured as he pulled his jeans on. ‘I thought …’ She trailed off, shrugged, and then said, ‘Well, I didn’t think you’d want her to know about – you know.’

  ‘It’s none of her business,’ Jeff said, standing up to zip his fly before pulling his T-shirt over his head. ‘But I don’t really care who knows, ’cos me and her are done.’

  ‘I know you might feel like that now,’ Shirley said understandingly. ‘But you might change your mind when you talk to her, so please don’t say anything you might regret. She’s very beautiful,’ she added quietly, letting him know that she wouldn’t hold it against him if he took one look at Andrea and realised he’d made a huge mistake last night.

  Jeff reached out and gently tilted her chin up. ‘She’s nowhere near as beautiful as you,’ he said softly. ‘She might look good on the outside, but your beauty is inside and out; and even if you change your mind about us and tell me to leave, I’ll never go back to her now I know how good it can be with someone decent.’

  Shirley shook her head when she saw the sincerity in his eyes, and murmured, ‘I’d never tell you to leave.’

  Jeff smiled and kissed her. Then, taking a deep breath when Andrea started hammering on the door and shouting his name through the letter box, he said, ‘Suppose I’d best go see what she wants.’

  Andrea’s eyes were wild when Jeff opened the door. His heart sank, because it was clear from her stance that she was gunning for a fight.

  ‘How could you?’ she spat.

  ‘How could I what?’ he replied evenly, determined not to let her goad him into a slanging match.

  ‘You know what!’ she screeched. ‘Screwing that bitch behind my back! How long has it been going on?’ she demanded now, her words flying like machine-gun fire. ‘I bet you were at it the whole time you were working there, weren’t you? Is she the reason you were always late home? Is that where all the money went? Were you spending it on her, while me and Skye were scraping for crumbs?’

  Conscious that some of Shirley’s neighbours had come outside and were gathering across the road, Jeff lowered his voice and said, ‘We’re not together any more, Andrea, so even if I was with Shirley it’d have nothing to do with you. But, no, I have not been screwing her behind your back. I never cheated on you – though God knows I wish I had, considering how many times you accused me of it. You made my life hell, but it’s over now and I want a divorce, so leave me alone.’

  ‘You can’t get a divorce,’ Andrea cried, tears spurting from her eyes as her anger dissolved in the face of his coldness. ‘I won’t let you! I’m your wife, and you promised to be faithful to me for life.’

  ‘You tried to kill me, and then told the police I’d been abusing my own daughter,’ Jeff reminded her incredulously. ‘You can’t seriously think I’d take you back after that?’

  ‘I was ill,’ Andrea sobbed, her usually pretty face a crumpled mess as she clutched at the front of his T-shirt. ‘You know I don’t know what I’m doing when I get like that. And I was desperate ’cos I thought I’d lost you. But I didn’t mean it, and I’ve told them it’s not true. Please don’t hate me. I can’t live without you.’

  ‘You’ve been living without me all right for the past few months while I’ve been laid up in hospital and prison,’ Jeff reminded her, trying to prise her fingers off his T-shirt without hurting her, because he had no doubt that she would probably have him arrested for battery again as soon as she realised that she wasn’t going to get her own way this time. ‘You went too far; there’s no going back from this.’

  Shirley had decided to nip out to give them some privacy. Dressed now, her hair roughly dried, she came out into the hall to get her coat. But when she glanced out through the door and saw the growing crowd across the road, she touched Jeff’s arm, and said, ‘Why don’t you bring her in and make her a coffee to calm her down? Then you can talk to her without that lot listening in.’

  Jeff didn’t want to talk to Andrea while she was in a state, because he knew from experience that it wouldn’t end well. But he didn’t want Shirley to suffer any more gossip because of him, so he nodded and jerked his chin up at Andrea to tell her to come in.

  Still sobbing, Andrea stumbled over the step and clutched at Shirley’s arm. ‘Please don’t take him off me. He’s my husband, and I need him.’

  Embarrassed, Shirley mumbled, ‘It’s got nothing to do with me. You need to talk to each other.’

  She pulled her arm free and rushed out. But, just as she closed the door, a police car pulled up at the kerb ahead. When Jones and Dean got out and walked over to her, she said, ‘If you’ve come to see Jeff it’ll have to wait. Andrea’s here, and she’s a bit upset.’

  Jones was surprised to hear this. The refuge staff had said that she had gone out when he and Dean had called round there, but it ha
d never occurred to him that she might have come here. They had only come themselves because Shirley’s boss had told them that she’d taken the rest of the week off and they had guessed that Jeff must be here.

  ‘So they’re both here?’ Dean asked.

  ‘Yes.’ Shirley nodded and shifted her handbag onto her other shoulder. ‘But, as I said, she’s a bit upset, so you should probably give them a few minutes.’

  ‘I’m afraid this can’t wait.’

  Shirley’s instincts prickled when she heard the gravity of his tone, and she murmured, ‘Oh, no. It’s not Skye, is it?’

  ‘Do you think we can do this inside?’ Dean asked without answering her question.

  ‘Of course.’ Hands shaking, her legs like jelly, Shirley pulled her keys from her handbag and unlocked the door, then rushed inside, calling, ‘Jeff, where are you?’

  ‘In here,’ he called back from the kitchen. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Where’s Andrea?’ she asked.

  ‘In the spare room,’ Jeff told her. Then, frowning when he noticed the tears glistening in Shirley’s eyes, he asked, ‘What’s wrong, love?’

  Shirley bit her lip as her chin began to quiver. But one of the officers tapped on the front door before she could tell him, and she reached back to open it, murmuring, ‘Sorry, come in.’ Then, turning back to Jeff, she said, ‘Go and get Andrea while I take them through.’

  Andrea’s face was tear-stained when Jeff led her into the living room, and she clung to his arm like a frightened child when she saw Jones and Dean sitting on the couch.

  ‘What do they want? Don’t let them take me away.’

  ‘It’s okay, they just want to talk,’ Jeff reassured her, pushing her gently towards the armchair beside the one where Shirley was already sitting.

  When Andrea grasped his hand and pulled him down beside her, he flashed Shirley an apologetic look as he sank onto the arm of the chair. Then he turned to the officers, asking, ‘So, what’s happened? Have you found Skye?’

  ‘We’re not sure,’ Dean told him truthfully. ‘The body of a young girl who matches her general description was found yesterday morning, but—’

  ‘What do you mean, general description?’ Jeff interrupted. ‘You’ve got her picture – you must know if it’s her or not.’

  ‘I’m afraid there was damage to the face which made it difficult to establish the identity by picture alone,’ Dean told him, trying to make it sound less horrific than it actually was.

  Jeff clenched his teeth when he heard this, and raised his chin. ‘So how do you know it’s her?’

  ‘We don’t,’ said Dean. ‘You’re just one of the seven families who are being visited today. This was recovered at the scene,’ he said then, holding out the photograph. ‘Do you recognise it?’

  Jeff gazed at the picture for a second and shook his head. ‘No, I’ve never seen it before.’

  ‘Mrs Benson?’

  Wide-eyed with fear, Andrea flicked a quick glance at the picture and also shook her head.

  ‘Hang on,’ Jeff said when a memory flitted through his mind. ‘I think someone mentioned something about a necklace to me recently. Hayley’s mum,’ he said when it suddenly came to him. ‘She said Hayley gave Skye a necklace on the day I …’ He paused and licked his dry lips, before finishing: ‘On the day I got stabbed.’

  Dean exchanged a hooded glance with Jones, and then asked, ‘Would you be willing to view the body?’

  Jeff breathed in deeply. The last thing he had ever expected to happen in his life was that he would be asked to identify a dead child. But somebody had to do it, and Andrea certainly wasn’t up to it. So he nodded.

  ‘Yes, I’ll do it. When?’

  Dean saw the pain in his eyes, and said, ‘Look, I can see this is difficult, so why don’t we pay Hayley a quick visit to make sure it’s the same necklace before we put you through that? And that will also give us a chance to check if any of the other units have had a positive response in the meantime.’

  ‘Skyyyeee …’ Andrea suddenly moaned, as if the news had only just filtered through. ‘Where’s Skye …? I want Skye.’

  Jeff put his arm around her shoulder when she started wailing, and gently held her to him, whispering, ‘It’s okay, love; they don’t even know if it’s her yet, so let’s not jump to conclusions, eh?’

  ‘I can have someone from the family-liaison team come over, if you like?’ Jones offered. ‘They’re trained to deal with these situations.’

  Jeff didn’t answer so Shirley did it for him, saying, ‘Thank you, that’s probably a good idea. Andrea can stay here while we’re waiting. I’ll look after her.’

  Jones and Dean both stood up, but as Dean made his way out to the car Jones called Jeff out into the hall.

  ‘I’m not being funny,’ he said when Jeff joined him, ‘but I think Andrea should see a doctor. I know it’s tough on both of you, but she’s taking it really hard, and with her history I wouldn’t want to take any chances.’

  ‘I know,’ Jeff murmured, glancing back into the living room, where Shirley was now holding Andrea in her arms. ‘She was already acting a bit weird before you got here, to be honest. Do you know if she’s been taking her meds while she’s been in that refuge?’

  ‘I couldn’t tell you,’ Jones admitted. Then, lowering his voice another notch, he said, ‘I know we’ve had our rucks in the past, and you probably think I’m a cunt. But if it’s awkward having Andrea here after everything that’s happened, I’d be happy to take her back to the refuge for you.’

  Jeff’s heart was heavy as he gazed back at Andrea and Shirley again. As much as he resented his wife for what she’d put him through during these last few weeks, it was obvious from the way she’d been behaving since she got here that she was still ill. And if the staff at the refuge weren’t able – or willing – to make sure she took her meds, he dreaded to think what she might do if it did turn out to be Skye’s body they had found.

  ‘I can’t let her go back there on her own,’ he said resignedly. ‘She needs me.’

  ‘Okay,’ Jones said, respecting him all the more for standing by his wife after everything she’d put him through. ‘We’ll come back as soon as we’ve seen Hayley, and let you know what she says.’

  He reached out and opened the door now. But before he stepped out, he extended his hand, and said, ‘I’m really sorry it’s come to this, mate. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.’

  It was an olive branch, but Jeff was hesitant about accepting it because he couldn’t forget how massive a part Jones had played in ruining his life. But then, he supposed that he had himself played an even bigger role. He’d had numerous opportunities to set the record straight, but pride and misguided loyalty had prevented him from telling the truth about his and Andrea’s volatile relationship, so who could blame Jones for having marked him down as a wife beater?

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, shaking Jones’s hand. ‘I appreciate that.’

  After showing the man out and closing the door, Jeff leaned back against it, wondering how he was going to tell Shirley about the decision he’d just made.

  He was still standing there, staring up at the ceiling, when Shirley came out into the hall a few minutes later.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asked.

  He was far from feeling that but he didn’t want to burden her any more than he already had, so he pulled himself together and said, ‘Yeah, I was just thinking things over. What’s Andrea doing?’

  ‘Lying down,’ Shirley told him. ‘She dropped her bag and her tablets fell out. I noticed some Valium and persuaded her to take a couple. I hope that was okay?’

  ‘That’s fine; it’ll help a lot,’ Jeff said. Then, a look of regret in his eyes, he said, ‘We need to talk.’

  Shirley shook her head. ‘No, we don’t,’ she said softly. ‘She needs you, and I understand that you’ve got to be there for her. And please don’t worry about me, because I’ll be fine. Friends?’ She gave him a tiny smile.

  ‘Alw
ays,’ Jeff whispered, taking her in his arms to give her one last hug.

  ‘Fuck!’ Jones muttered, a deep frown creasing his brow when he turned onto Hayley’s road fifteen minutes later and saw a long line of cars parked right the way down, in the middle of which were a hearse and two black limousines. ‘Trust us to turn up with news like this when they’ve had a death on the street.’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ Dean said, already opening his door as the car crawled to a stop in the middle of the road outside the Simms’s house. ‘Go and find somewhere to park – I’ll be in and out in a minute.’

  ‘All right, but don’t get waylaid,’ said Jones, making the sign of the cross on his chest. ‘Funerals give me the heebie-jeebies.’

  Dean nodded and jumped out of the car. Then, head down as a mark of respect, he walked quickly over to the Simms’s house.

  The door opened just as he was about to knock, and he stepped back quickly when a black-suited funeral director came out. Thrown, he looked around to see where Jones had gone but just as he spotted him and was about to make a hasty retreat, another man came out and asked, ‘Can I help you?’

  Dean took in the man’s red nose and swollen eyes and guessed that he must be closely connected to the deceased. ‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘I can come back tomorrow.’

  ‘You’re here now, so you might as well tell me what you want,’ the man said, taking a cigarette out of his pocket and lighting up with visibly shaking hands.

  ‘Terry, do you know where I put that—’ Kathy Simms came into the doorway and abruptly stopped speaking when she saw Dean. She swallowed loudly, and folded her arms before asking, ‘You’re the one who came to see Hayley about Skye, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ Dean affirmed. Then, feeling awkward, because she looked every bit as upset as the man, he said, ‘I’m sorry for disturbing you; if I’d known, I would have left it for another day. Please accept my condolences.’