Madness & Mayhem: 23 Tales of Horror and Humor
Page 10
Yes, I have a name. All living things have names. I, I, I...
A bullet swept through its skull like the wind through a keyhole. The zombie fell before its headstone.
The two men came stomping through the cemetery, hollering and howling like schoolboys.
“I told you. I told you. You have to shoot ’em in the head. Just like in the movies.”
“Let me get the head. It’ll look nice on my hood once I get the truck back to working.”
Billy drew a long hunting knife from his belt and bent over the zombie’s body.
He barely had time to scream.
My name is Evelyn Walker, the zombie growled in a black and gravelly voice, and then sunk her teeth into the man’s throat.
* * *
It is a myth that you can kill a zombie with a bullet to the head. While the living enjoy scaring the piss out of themselves, they also like to give themselves a fighting chance; thus, they create magical means to defeat their monsters. Vampires are vulnerable to stakes, werewolves to silver bullets, zombies to head trauma…. But the dead cannot die. And death cannot be conquered. This is the most difficult idea for the living to accept.
* * *
And though zombies do not, as a rule, eat human flesh—they will if you piss them off.
* * *
What is not a myth is that when a human witnesses his friend being eaten by an animated corpse, that human runs. Just as this man’s friend did.
* * *
Thoughts flashed through Evelyn Walker’s mind like lightning in a summer storm. She remembered dying and the long, lonely quiet; rising from her grave; the farmhouse; and the men who chopped off her arm, shot her, ran her over, shot her again.
Evelyn Walker leaned against her gravestone, and tried to weep. But the dead cannot shed tears.
Footsteps. Labored and loud.
Evelyn looked up and saw a man stumbling through the graveyard. He wore a dark suit that was in tatters and covered in filth. Unlike her, his arms and legs were still attached to his body. His head, however, was not.
The undead stranger held his head by its long black hair, as if it were a grocery bag or a plastic Halloween pumpkin.
The decapitated zombie stopped two graves away from Evelyn. The two dismembered corpses looked each other over and exchanged expressions that seemed to say, “So they got you, too?” The man thrust his head forward. It was remarkably well preserved, except for a few scratches and bruises and a ragged scar that ran from his left temple to the corner of his mouth. The head wobbled and swayed before Evelyn’s face. The nose twitched like a curious rabbit. Then the mouth slowly began to open and close, the dead man’s face twisting in agony. A low hiss emanated from the severed throat, followed by a moan, and then the zombie head purred: I...think...my...name...is...Ben...Gardner.
Another thought, as bright and clear as the first, came to Evelyn Walker.
She took Ben Gardner’s free hand and led him down into her grave.
* * *
The undead are the same as the living: they try to make the best of a bad situation.
It is a well-established fact that anything can be endured. But it is also a fact that it is much easier to endure if you have a companion.
Google News Alerts for the End of the World
SF Gate – 25 Days Ago
“It Looked Like Something Puked Up SeaWorld” - 553 Metric Tons of Dead Marine Life Washes Up on California Coast; Scientists Baffled
AP - 22 Days Ago
Third Maersk Freighter This Month Goes Missing in Pacific; US Navy Joins Search
New York Times – 20 Days Ago
Survivor Claims “Giant Sea Creature” Attacked Cargo Ship, Looked Like a “Satanic Iguana”
Mashable – 19 Days Ago
Internet Thinks Artist’s Rendering of “Giant Sea Creature” Resembles Snuffleupagus; Image Spawns Thousands of Memes
BuzzFeed – 19 Days Ago
Hilarious “Satanic Iguana” Twitter Account Gains 2 Million Followers in 10 Hours
Sacramento Bee – 17 Days Ago
Pismo Beach Tragedy: Hundreds Dead in “Unknown Event,” Coastal Area Destroyed
L.A. Times – 16 Days Ago
“Massive” Footprints Discovered on Pismo Beach
Popular Science – 15 Days Ago
It Came From the Depths: Are There Really Giant Monsters Living in Our Oceans?
CNN – 15 Days Ago
Alleged Video of Sea Creature Goes Viral
Fox News – 14 Days Ago
Glenn Beck: Liberal Administration Has Left Us Vulnerable to Satanic’ Monsters
MSNBC – 14 Days Ago
Rachel Maddow: If Kaijus Exist Conservatives Most Likely Created Them
Huffington Post – 14 Days Ago
Sea Creature Video’ Revealed to Be Taken From Godzilla Vs. SpaceGodzilla’; CNN Apologizes for Not Verifying Its Authenticity
CNN - 13 Days Ago
BREAKING: Major Earthquake Rocks San Francisco
New York Times - 12 Days Ago
SF Death Toll Climbs to 25,000 as Belief in “Kaiju Attack” Gains Momentum
TMZ – 12 Days Ago
Idiot Justin Bieber Causes Panic After Tweeting, “Godzilla Is Real”
Daily Mail – 11 Days Ago
Second “Creature Attack” Reported in Japan; All Communications With Nation Lost
New York Times – 11 Days Ago
Texas Senator: President Can No Longer Deny Existence of Sea Monsters
Washington Post – 11 Days Ago
Westboro Baptist Church Demonstrates Outside White House, Blames “Water Demons” on Admin’s “Gay Agenda”
CNN – 10 Days Ago
Creature Confirmed: First Video of Kaiju Attack Shows 50-Story Monster Wreaking Havoc in SF – “This Changes Everything”
Us Weekly – 10 Days Ago
How Gwyneth Paltrow Is Coping With Kaiju Attacks: “Plenty of Moon Juice and My Favorite Meditation App”
Boston Herald – 9 Days Ago
“We Will Prevail” – President Vows “Swift & Devastating” Response to Kaiju Attacks
Fox News – 8 Days Ago
Third, Smaller Creature Destroys South Africa; Dubbed Dinky’
Daily Sun – 8 Days Ago
Johannesburg Aftermath: City Reduced to Ashes, Millions Believed Dead – “It Looks Like the End of the World”
Mashable - 8 Days Ago
Video of Dinky Stomping Johannesburg Set to “Bohemian Rhapsody” Goes Viral
MTV News - 8 Days Ago
Rumor: Director Guillermo del Toro Consulted on Kaiju Battle Plan
San Diego Tribune – 7 Days Ago
Seven F-35s Missing After DemonHead’s Latest Attack in San Diego
MSNBC – 7 Days Ago
“There Is a God” - Westboro Baptist Church Protestors Among Dead in San Diego Creature Attack
Reuters – 6 Days Ago
White House Official: Giant Kaiju-Fighting Robots Are “Ridiculous” Idea, “Not Feasible” in Real World
Discover Magazine – 5 Days Ago
What We Know about the 3 Kaijus — DemonHead, Devastator & Dinky: Not a Lot
Scientific American – 5 Days Ago
7 Possible Reasons Why Dinky Eats Only Children
CNN – 5 Days Ago
Devastator Builds Massive “Nest” in Sydney Harbour; Female Kaiju Believed to Be Pregnant
Us Weekly – 5 Days Ago
Celebs Weigh in on Origins of Giant Creatures: “Global Warming’s to Blame Y’all” — Miley Cyrus
AP – 5 Days Ago
Thousand Gather in Portland to “Serve” Alpha Kaiju “DemonHead” – “We Have No Choice but to Accept Our Insignificance”
New York Times – 5 Days Ago
President Vows: “We Do Not Negotiate With Kaijus”
Fox News – 4 Days Ago
Russia, China & Iran Join US in Creature Fight, But Is It Too Late?
Chicago Sun-Times – 4 Days Ag
o
President OKs Use of Nukes to Destroy Monsters – “It’s Our Only Option”
LA Times – 3 Days Ago
World Awaits Outcome of “Operation Kaiju Storm”
BuzzFeed – 3 Days Ago
10 Adorable Kittens Enjoying the Apocalypse
Yahoo! Movies – 3 Days Ago
“Night of the Comet” Tops Best End-of-the World Movies You Can Watch Right Now on Netflix
The Daily Caller – 3 Days Ago
Liberal Actor Ben Affleck: “We Should Try to Communicate With Kaijus Before Destroying Them”
MTV News – 3 Days Ago
Kanye West’s Single “Kaiju Jesus” Tops Charts
CNN – 2 Days Ago
BREAKING: Kaijus Unharmed in Nuclear Attacks: Now What?
Politico – 2 Days Ago
Who’s to Blame for “Kaiju Storm” Failure?
Fox News – 2 Days Ago
Atheist President Finds God in Last Days, Urges World to Pray Hard’
UPI – 1 Day Ago
New York Loses Power; Riots, Looting Turn City Into “Hell on Earth”
AP – 1 Day Ago
Australia Destroyed: Island Nation Sinks Into Ocean After Being Overrun by Millions of Kaiju Spawn
Huffington Post – 1 Day Ago
Children of DemonHead’ Begin Rounding Up Non-Believers – They’re Worse Than the Kaijus’
Upworthy – 19 Hours Ago
Kaiju Worshiper Disobeyed DemonHead & What Happened Next Stunned Everyone (Spoiler: He Ate His Own Eyeballs)
Reuters – 18 Hours Ago
President’s Suicide Note: “Madness Is Trying to Survive”
Slate – 17 Hours Ago
Are the Kaijus So Bad? 10 Positive Changes in the New World Order
MTV News – 14 Hours Ago
Latest Trend: Teen Girls Have Crush on Dinky – “Looking Into His Six Dreamy Orbs Made Me Weak in the Knees”
People – 14 Hours Ago
Which of Your Favorite Celebs Have Been Exterminated, Which Are Kaiju Supporters: Our List Will Surprise You!
Buzzfeed – 10 Hours Ago
QUIZ: Which Kaiju Are You Most Like?
AP – 8 Hours Ago
Poll: Conservatives Prefer Kaijus to Late President
Salon – 5 Hours Ago
Kaijus: It’s Their Universe, We Just Get to Exist in It (Briefly)
mental_floss – 4 Hours Ago
Humans Had a Good Run: 15 of Our Most Impressive Accomplishments; No. 3 Will Shock You
Kaiju Herald – 5 Minutes Ago
Death Is Not the End: Why Your Soul Is Eternally the Property of Our Savior & Lord DemonHead
eHow – 1 Minute Ago
Finding Solace in Insanity: 10 Easy Steps to the Bliss of Madness
Teatime With Mrs. Monster
(Originally published in Weirdbook #33)
Inside my brain I’m saying, “Don’t move, Kylie. Don’t breathe. Don’t make a noise. He’ll hear you.”
It’s warm and icky under the porch. There are spiderwebs in my mouth and bugs crawling on my legs. Maybe it’s my ’magination. I don’t know. But it’s safe here. Daddy doesn’t know ’bout my hiding place.
I hear him above me in the house. He’s cussing and stomping like crazy. The floorboards groan like in the haunted houses in those scary movies I used to watch with Mama. Daddy is saying he’ll find me when he gets back, he’ll find me and then he’ll take care of me and then I’ll learn, I won’t be bad no more. I knew that’s what he’d say. So when the Bad Thing happened I runned straight out of my room and hid here. Daddy said, “Where’d you think you’re going?” But I was past him and out the front door already. It was only a matter of time before he goed upstairs.
He’s screaming now, “This is your fault, Kylie! You little brat! No more friends in the house! No more tea parties! Not ever again! What a mess! What a damn mess!”
I put my hand over my mouth so he can’t hear me breathing. I seened that in those scary movies too, when the monster comes looking for the little girl and she’s hiding in the dark. But I’m not scared of monsters. Monsters never hurted me.
I’m lying on my tummy near the porch steps and I see Daddy’s big dirty boots as he stomps down. I can see the boards bending. I think maybe they’ll break and he’ll see me. Then he’ll drag me out and take care of me. Mama used to say she’d take care of me when she was alive. But she meant it different.
I see him crossing the lawn. I see he’s carrying something in his arms. It looks like a bag of garbage. He throws it in the back of the truck, gets in and drives away.
But it wasn’t my fault. It was Amy. She made Mrs. Monster mad. I told her to shut her stupid mouth but she wouldn’t listen. Daddy doesn’t think Mrs. Monster is real just ’cause he can’t see her. But Mrs. Monster says he can’t see because he doesn’t wanna. People, growned-ups ’specially, don’t want to see monsters, they don’t want to believe they’re real. That’s why I thought Amy would see Mrs. Monster. She’s eight like me. But Amy is stupid. I hate her and I don’t care if I never see her again.
Me and Mama used to have tea parties all the time. She’d make up stories and we’d pretend. She said I was good at it. She’d say, “What a livid ’magination you have.” After Mama died, I asked Daddy if he’d have tea parties with me. But he said no. He don’t have time.
So I have tea parties without him. I don’t need him. I have Mrs. Monster now.
Daddy says I should play with the kids in the neighborhood instead of staying in my room all day. I say the kids are stupid, I don’t want to play with them. When Amy came over today I seened his eyes were happy. Most times they’re sad.
Amy is taller than me. She has red hair and freckles. She talks with a lisp and spit gathers in the corners of her mouth when she talks too much. Which is all the time. Sometimes I make fun of her but she’s the only kid that comes to my house. I never invite her, she just rings my doorbell. Most times I don’t answer. Today I did.
Daddy said, “Why don’t you go outside and ride bikes or something.” He didn’t want to hear no racket. I ignored him and took Amy by the hand and goed upstairs.
In my room there is a small round table with small chairs too. The teacups were already out, the kettle in the center. There was one for me and one for Mrs. Monster. There wasn’t one for Amy. I didn’t know she was coming.
I searched in the toy chest against the wall. At the bottom was a cup with flowers on it. The flowers were red like old blood. The handle had broken off but it was OK.
Amy said, “Don’t you have any dolls? I want to play dolls.” She said it doll-shhs.
I put Amy’s cup on the table. “Dolls are stupid,” I said. “We’re going to have a tea party.”
“But shouldn’t you have dolls around the table? Or is it just going to be me and you?”
“No, silly. Don’t you see the other teacup?”
We sat and I poured Amy’s tea. “I hope you like black tea.”
“I prefer Earl Grey,” she said trying to sound like a big girl but her lisp made her sound like a dumb baby.
“Black tea is all we ever have. So you’ll have to like it. Mrs. Monster only drinks black tea. She says it’s the best one.”
“Who’s Mrs. Monster?”
“She’s sitting next to you, silly.”
“Oh,” Amy said and made an ugly scrunchy face like she smelled something bad. “I don’t like monsters.”
I could tell Mrs. Monster didn’t like Amy. Nobody likes Amy. That’s why she plays with me.
“Mrs. Monster said hello,” I said.
“That’s a weird name.”
“That’s what she’s called.”
“No princesses? I’d rather have tea with princesses.”
“Princesses are stupid.”
“You’re a loon, you know that?”
“Take that back!”
“No,” she said and took a sip of her tea, all dainty-like, with her pinky up in the air.
“She doesn’t look mad to me. Actually she don’t look like nothing, ’cause she’s not here. She’s imaginary. Crazy people have imaginary friends, you know? Wasn’t your mother crazy? That’s what mine says. I think you’re a loon too.”
Daddy called Mama crazy once. I remember in my brain. I was so mad at Amy. Mad like when Daddy gets and I have to hide under the porch. Then Amy started singing “loon loon loon.” I didn’t want to see Amy’s stupid ugly face so I shutted my eyes so tight I seened fire in my brain. That was when the Bad Thing happened. I don’t remember what went on but Amy screamed. I heard other sounds too. Bad sounds. Monster sounds. I was too scared to open my eyes. I runned, my heart going thrum-thrum-thrum. “Go to your safe place,” I said inside my brain, just like Mama used to tell me when Daddy’s eyes got mad and his face turned red like burning.
I could stay under the porch. Daddy will never find me. He’s never found me before. Once I stayed under here the whole day and it got dark and I only came back home because something bit me—I think it was a rat—and besides I was hungry. Daddy was real mad that time. He hurted me. I know he’s madder than ever now ’cause of the Bad Thing and when he gets back he’s gonna be worse than any monster I ever seened in the movies. I think then in my brain about Mama and our tea parties. She’d say, “Do you see that monster sitting next to you?” And I’d laugh. Mama’d say, “Aren’t you afraid?” I’d say no. “That’s right, baby,” she’d say. “People are worse than any make-believe monster. Don’t you never forget that.”