Monster Hunter Vendetta

by Larry Correia

  "Melvin play nice," the troll promised. He began to slowly unfold himself out of the trunk. First one long leg came out, chains clanking, until claws clicked on the concrete floor, then it took a minute to get his spindly torso out of the narrow space. Finally the troll stood, all twisted and gangly, wrists chained together in front of its narrow chest. His flesh really did look like row after row of dirty garden hose stacked into a rough humanoid shape. I had to crane my neck to look him in the eye. There was a mass of stringy black hair matted together on his head. The other Hunters kept their guns trained as I stepped closer.

  "Okay, Melvin. I'm going to level with you. I really need to know how to find the Condition. Help me avenge your pack's murder."

  He laughed again. "Not care about rest of pack. Pack was stupid. Got turned into zombies. Now they not hog Melvin's bandwidth." His breath stank of stale Red Bull and his teeth hadn't been cleaned lately, if ever. "They are the Fail. No, Hunter. You let Melvin go. Then I tell you where pack went."

  I was afraid of that, but I had an idea. Twice in the last few days I had been able to live somebody else's memories: Myers', and only a few minutes ago, my father's. Susan had exposed me to that cursed artifact so that I would have the ability to fight this Condition. If it worked on people, maybe it would work on monsters. If he wouldn't tell me what I needed to know, then maybe I could just take it. It was worth a shot. I extended one hand slowly toward Melvin's clawed hand.

  "What are you doing?" Julie asked.

  "Trust me."

  The troll regarded me suspiciously. Finally I touched his hand. He felt warm and squishy. Nothing happened. No black magic lightning. Nada.

  Melvin screamed. "It burns! It burns!" I jerked my hand away. The other Hunters took an involuntary step back. The troll smiled, showing off row after row of rotten teeth. "I kid. I kid." Then he head-butted me.

  His rubbery skull rebounded off mine, flaring pain through my brain, sending me flailing back, blocking Julie's shot. He moved with surprising speed for his size. One fist swung out, slamming into Holly's stomach and knocking her to the ground. Milo blasted him in the back, the buckshot sending chunks of green meat in every direction. Melvin didn't seem to notice. He surged forward, grabbed Trip by the shirt and tossed him headfirst into the trunk of the Crown Vic. Then Melvin slammed it shut.

  My eyes were watering as I stumbled out of Julie's way. She opened fire on Melvin, her bullets tearing into the troll. I swear he giggled as he reached past Milo, grabbing onto a huge shelf of tools, guns, machinery, assorted widgets, and pulled. The heavy shelf teetered for a second before falling over.

  "Move!" Julie shouted as all of us dove for cover. The shelf came crashing down, bits and pieces flying in every direction. I rolled out of the way as a chainsaw spiraled past. Milo cried out as something landed on him.

  Ankles chained together, Melvin hopped for the open roll-up door and the freedom of the forest. Trolls were amazingly fast. "Ha ha. You got pwned, bitches!" He laughed as he cleared the exit. Milo was trapped underneath the shelf and thrashing about. Julie was cursing and reloading her 1911. Holly had the wind knocked out of her and was gasping for breath. Trip was beating on the inside of the trunk. I drew my STI .45, wiped my watering eyes, and started after the escaping troll.

  "Witness my perfection, newbs!" Melvin shouted as he hopped down the pavement. If he reached the fence, we were going to lose him.

  Suddenly a figure appeared around the corner of Milo's workshop and intercepted the bouncing troll. With his back toward me, I couldn't tell who it was. A boot smashed into Melvin's knobby knees as a large hand grabbed him by the neck. The troll went down with a screech, "No fair!" as the man wrapped his other hand around Melvin's head.

  "Wait!" I shouted, but I was too late. With a brutal twist, the troll's neck snapped, and Melvin flopped twitching to the pavement.

  The figure stood, dusted himself off, and nonchalantly turned around. The big man was wearing a black suit, black sunglasses, and black strangler gloves. I gasped.

  Agent Franks nodded slightly in return.

  The Goon Squad rushed around the corner and joined him. Torres, Archer, and Herzog looked exhausted. They'd apparently had a long night. "Burn it," Franks ordered as he strode forward, gesturing back at the troll.

  "How? But you . . ." I stammered.

  Franks stopped in front of me. "Mornin' . . . ​sunshine," which was exactly how I had sarcastically greeted him every morning since he'd been here. I think he was enjoying my discomfort.

  Julie pulled the shelf off Milo. He was flustered, but okay. Holly had gotten unsteadily to her feet. Trip was still banging on the inside of the trunk and shouting. "Would one of you guys let him out?" I asked.

  "Trip's got the keys," Holly responded.

  Archer, who struck me as the most efficient of the Feds, entered the workshop and spied an acetylene torch. "Mind if I borrow this?"

  "Be my guest," Milo responded. Archer wheeled out the torch, turned on the gas, and ignited it with a striker that was chained to the dolly.

  "Who's pwned now, punk?" Holly asked rhetorically as she rubbed her bruised stomach. "Aww, hell, that didn't work out like we imagined."

  Milo shrugged. "Capturing him seemed like a good idea at the time."

  Trip yelled something unintelligible from inside the trunk.

  "Good idea. Hold on," Julie shouted at Archer. "Trolls regenerate. Let's haul him down to the basement and lock him up. We can still interrogate him later." Archer looked disappointed as he twisted the knobs and closed off the torch. It made a popping noise.

  Franks glanced around at the destruction. "I can't leave you alone, can I?"

  I had always suspected that there was more to Franks than met the eye. He was unbelievably tough. Despite my background as a fighter, he had beaten me soundly and had taken inhuman amounts of damage at Natchy Bottom before going down, but that proved nothing. The fact that he was standing here now, after I had seen some of his bones sticking out twelve hours ago, indicated that he was definitely not human. "What are you?" I asked.

  Franks' face was emotionless behind those tinted sunglasses. "Hungry. Let's get lunch."

  Franks, showing no indication that he should have been dead, ate about 7,000 calories worth of MHI's food, while his men wandered back to the barracks to get some sleep. Apparently, threatening as many witnesses as there were during a Level 5 Containment was hard work. I was feeling it myself. I had slept for less than one hour in the last thirty, and I had met with the shadow man during part of that, so I was nearing a terminal crash, and was damn loopy at this point.

  I moved the ice pack to a different spot on my face. I had a nasty bruise. "So, Franks, seriously, your arm was hanging off in pieces last night. And now you're sitting here, all fat and happy." I've had a werewolf for a boss, twice, and had seen some really bizarre stuff over the last year, so I was flexible, but I was also curious. "What the hell are you, really?"

  Franks chewed his fifth microwave jumbo burrito. MHI's stockpile of cafeteria food wasn't exactly gourmet dining. He still hadn't removed his sunglasses or gloves, even though we were indoors. "I'm a representative of the United States Government, here to protect you."

  "Yeah, whatever, but you aren't normal."

  He chewed with his mouth open. "Don't be such a racist."

  I slammed my fist into the table and left. If he possessed any emotions at all, I knew he was doing this just to tweak me. Franks grabbed his last few burritos and followed.

  I needed to get some rest, but Harbinger had wanted to discuss strategy first, and had called another meeting since the arrival of my parents had blown away our original plan. Julie and Earl were already there when I arrived. Milo, Holly, and Trip arrived once they succeeded in picking the lock on the trunk lid. Because the three of them had been on the way to Bessemer for the troll hunt, and nobody had ever notified them about my leaving the compound to go after Mosh until afterward, there was no way that any of them could be the spy. W
hich was great, because right about now I needed all the friends I could get. I had ditched my uncommunicative bodyguard at the base of the stairs and headed for the conference room. I wanted to make this quick, because I still wanted to talk to my father. I had a lot of questions, but first things first. I had to figure out a way to hit back at these cultists.

  "What happened to your face?" Earl asked as we sat down.

  "Head-butted by a troll," I grumbled.

  Earl laughed at me. "I heard. I see Franks is back."

  "I thought you said he was dead," Julie said.

  "His arm was almost torn off and that's before he got punted across the freeway, so you tell me." I turned to Earl. "Is he like you?"

  "No. I'd smell that," he answered.

  "So, what does he smell like?" Maybe Earl's supernatural senses could give us a clue.

  "Old Spice." Earl shrugged. I put my face in my hands and groaned. "What? He does."

  "He's scary is what he is," Trip said. "Honestly, that man gives me the heebie-jeebies. There's something about him that's just not . . ." He trailed off, looking for the right word.

  "Human?" Holly interjected. "He's nominally on our side, and we're stuck with him, so we might as well just ignore him. But yeah, I agree with you. He gives off a bad vibe. Too bad he broke Melvin's neck before we could make him talk."

  "Because that was going so well . . ." My face really hurt.

  "The troll will wake up eventually, though he'll probably be useless." Julie got us back on track. "So you spoke with the leader of the Condition?" I filled them in on the conversation, down to every detail I could remember, ducks and all. Earl frowned when I got to the part about how the Englishman seemed to know him personally.

  He stood and walked to the wall, where the sketch artist's rendition of our enemy was tacked. "I honestly don't know this guy."

  I kept on. Right now it was our only lead. "It was like he slipped up. Like he knew you, Ray, Susan, even Myers. You all used to work together. Did any of you work with somebody from England?"

  "Yeah, lots. We've worked cases over there and we've worked alongside Commonwealth teams like the Van Helsing Institute and even their governmental units, but I can't think of anybody in particular." Earl was quiet for a really long time as he studied that picture, running his hands through his thin hair. He started to speak, then shook his head, as if the idea was just too stupid to contemplate. He grew frustrated and turned away. "Hell if I know."

  "Well, what's the plan then?" Julie asked.

  "I don't have one!" Earl snapped, which surprised me. He never raised his voice at any of us, let alone his great-granddaughter. That was really out of character. He immediately apologized. "Sorry, I'm just tired is all." He reached into his ancient leather jacket and pulled out his cigarettes, once again breaking his normal self-prohibition on smoking inside the main building. "This whole thing is pissing me off, and tomorrow's a big day."

  "What's tomorrow?" I was too tired to remember.

  "Newbie class graduation," Julie answered. "Esmeralda says they're ready to go. Most of our team leads and whoever else can get off are flying in to interview and pick which ones they want." Even as busy as our teams were right now, the leaders were going to make the time to come, because if they didn't pick their own Newbies, then they got the leftover ones, and nobody wanted to be that team.

  "Well, that'll be fun," I suggested.

  "Too bad one of them is probably a spy," Earl spat. That was probably what was eating him up. The very idea that one of his Hunters was working for the bad guys was blatantly offensive. In a group like this, we had to have total trust in each other. Hunters depended on their team, and by extension their whole organization, to have their backs.

  "What did that oni thing tell you again?" Milo asked.

  "She said that the Shadow Lord's minion had reported that I'd left the compound in a hurry to go there. So take that for what it's worth."

  Milo stroked his beard contemplatively. "Maybe they just have somebody hiding out in the forest with binoculars." The idea of having a spy obviously seemed farfetched to him. He had lost his family at a young age, and had practically been raised by MHI. "Well, except that Skippy's people hunt the forest, and they'd spot anybody who hid out there for very long."

  "We have to assume the worst," Julie stated. "We've got to think about who the possible leaks are."

  "All the Newbies," Trip supplied. "How many of them saw you leave, or heard about it after you left?" Going through that group seemed daunting.

  "Esmeralda's team. She and Cooper were with us, and one of them could have made a call when we weren't looking," Earl added. I noted that he didn't mention Julie's brother, Nate, because that was family, and therefore impossible to him, despite Nate's father's record for betrayal. "But I've known Esmeralda forever, and I just don't see that. Cooper seems like a good kid, but he's only been with us for a year."

  "Dorcas," I said. Then all of us laughed. Not very likely.

  "What about Grant and Albert?" Holly said. "They were right behind you."

  "Al? I don't see it." Just because I held myself responsible for Lee's injury didn't mean he held any grudge. He was too honest a guy to fall in with the likes of the Condition. I paused. On the other hand, Grant had been gone for some time after leaving the company, only to come back just when this craziness started. "What was Grant up to all those months?" I asked.

  Julie shook her head. "No way. He's a lot of things, but he's no cultist."

  But it was obvious. Grant was our prime suspect. "Think about it. He's perfect. The timing just fits. Why else would he come back when he did?"

  "A fat paycheck, for one thing," Holly suggested. "Man, I wish I had been along for that stupid oni instead of a lame troll."

  "It'll be a cold day in hell before Grant Jefferson has to worry about money. His folks own, like, Delaware or something," Milo pointed out.

  "You sure you're not letting your personal feelings get in the way of being objective?" Trip asked. "He did save you from the monster that was trying to kidnap you, which would make him a pretty lousy double agent."

  "Or a really good one!" I insisted.

  "You just hate his guts. It can't be Grant," Julie responded.

  "And why are you defending him?" I shot back, and then immediately regretted saying it. Julie glared at me.

  "Well, it's somebody," Earl stated. "And until we find them, we're not safe. Eventually this shadow freak is gonna lose his patience and just have the spy shoot Owen in the back."

  "And if I leave, then he'll find me with magic and throw an army of undead at me. Great. At least here I'm safe from the dead."

  "On the bright side, if it's a Newbie, then we'll farm them out to somebody else in the next couple of days," Holly offered helpfully.

  "Unless I pick the spy for one of our vacancies. I'm a team lead too, and I'm still short since I sent Sam off to form Team Haven out in Colorado," Earl muttered.

  "I do miss the big lug," Holly admitted.

  "And then what about the next class, and the one after that? No, we can't risk filling MHI with a bunch of nut jobs. Not with the kinds of things that we're running up against all the time. Our people have access to every evil widget that comes down the pike. We have to end this now."

  As if on cue, a small figure popped into existence, standing in the middle of the conference room table. The gnome tilted his pointy red hat at Earl. " 'Sup, dawg. G-Nome, reportin' for duty."

  Julie, startled, went for her gun, but I grabbed her arm. "He's cool," I said.

  "Damn right, I'm cool. Cool as ice," he said. His face was badly bruised, and he was wearing a few Band-Aids. I had at least given as good as I had gotten. The gnome turned his attention to Holly, leering down her tank top. "Hey, baby. Lookin' fine. I do like them blonde human chicks."

  "Who the hell are you," she demanded, before adding, "Shorty?"

  "Hey now, baby. It's all good. I'm G-Nome, out of B'ham."

  Holly was j
ust confused now. "Genome?"

  "No . . . ​G hyphen Nome, straight-up gnome killa from the North Side." He flashed a gang sign, then folded his arms. "Yeah, that's right. I'm Tony Montana, baby."

  Julie pulled off her glasses, cleaned the lenses on her shirt, and then put them back on. Nope. He was still there. She glanced at me, and I gave her the I'll explain later look.

  "You were only supposed to appear to me or Owen, remember?"

  G-Nome shrugged. "Y'all didn't seem to mind sharin' no secrets with these."

  "You find anything yet?" Earl demanded.

  "I'm just gettin' the lay of the land, know what I'm sayin'? Seein' the sights. Speakin' of . . ." He looked back at Holly and raised his eyebrows up and down quickly. "You know, they say once you go gnome, you'll never go home."

  "Ewww," she responded, too grossed out to come up with one of her usual rebuttals.

  "Back off, stubby," Trip said.

  "Oh, you want to go, homie? Thinkin' you all bad?" G-Nome said, puffing his chest out.

  "Don't go there, Trip," I warned. "Trust me on this one, man."

  "Get back to work. Report in when you've got something," Earl ordered.

  "Peace." And he was just gone. It was really unnerving.

  "So, that's the secret weapon you were telling me about? One of the guys from the Rice Krispies, only psychotic," Julie muttered. "What's this place coming to?"

  Milo harrumphed. "And you made fun of me for bringing home a troll," he said with a great deal of indignation.

  Earl tried to placate his people. "He'll find the spy. Gnomes are sneaky. In the meantime, I'm going to bump up our security here. That attack on the concert was too brazen, too crazy. Monsters don't normally operate in the open like that. It brings down too much heat, but those just didn't seem to care."

  "Undead and transdimensionals can't enter the compound because of the warding, but he may try to attack us with his human followers or other types of monsters," Julie said. "Obviously it doesn't work on lycanthropes . . ." She waved at Earl. "It probably won't stop anything that was born on Earth."