False Gods

by Nazri Noor

  I scowled as I picked the bag up. It was the kind that strapped around your waist, the exact type a father of three might tuck just under his beer belly on a daylong trip to the amusement park. I marched right back out to Beatrice, holding the fanny pack between thumb and forefinger like it was roadkill. Florian grimaced.

  “Seriously?” I said. “No offense to you and the Fuck-Tons, but a designer fanny pack? Really?”

  Beatrice glared at me. “I’ll have you know that even the biggest fashion houses have made their own luxury versions over the years. They can be very, very stylish, on the right person. And don’t you say a word against the Fuck-Tons. They’re like – like my fairy godmothers. Literally.”

  I strapped the fanny pack around my waist, its buckle fastening with a click, and I smiled at her. “I noticed. It feels like you ladies have some history between you.”

  She smiled back. “They’ve been very good to me. Let’s just say that I see them as family. Now, the sword is in that thing, which, if you could see yourself right now, you’d have to admit is pretty damn stylish.”

  I scowled as I looked into a full-length mirror, turning this way and that, the fanny pack at my hips jangling merrily. “I don’t see it for me, but okay.”

  Florian narrowed his eyes and lowered his head. “If I squint really, really hard, it’s not so bad. Maybe if I close my eyes?”

  Beatrice harrumphed. “The two of you don’t know the first thing about fashion. But – back to the Fuck-Tons. Please don’t tell them about this. Please? They don’t have to know.”

  I lifted two fingers in a salute. “On my honor. Just as long as you figure yourself out and, you know, maybe not sell your soul to Arachne. But that still leaves the question. Why did she want you to keep Loki’s sword so hidden?”

  Beatrice shrugged. “Beats me. But entities will be entities. Who the hell knows why they want the things they want? I have my own concerns about you giving it back, to be honest. Are you sure about this?”

  “It’s a matter of life and death,” Florian said. “At least when it comes to Mason. The entities won’t just stop coming some day, as long as they can see him on the map. And you know as well as we do that Loki will have something really horrible in store if we don’t cough up the sword.”

  Our heads snapped towards the broken front door as sounds of activity streamed in from the streets outside. I locked eyes with Beatrice as we realized what was happening.

  “The guards,” she said. “The Black Market’s enforcers. Someone must have reported the commotion here. Quickly.” She thrust her finger at the backroom. “Through there. Take the back exit, and only head through the alleyways. They didn’t see your faces, so I can always tell them that someone tried to mug me.”

  I leapt to my feet, granting my sword and shield permission to return to the Vestments. They disintegrated on the spot, leaving clouds of glitter. “Thanks, Beatrice. You’re not so bad after all.”

  She half smiled, sweeping a lock of hair behind her ear, one side of her mouth lifting into a curve. “I’m an actual nightmare, but thanks for being so sweet about it. Now go. Save your butts. And good luck with Loki.”

  We ran then, just as we heard the voices of the Black Market’s guards approaching Beatrice’s ruined front doorway. Luck, she said. Yeah, we were going to need all the luck we could get.

  35

  My legs pumped as fast as they could go, my torso already sweaty despite the heat and light of the afternoon fading into evening. Florian ran just ahead of me, a tireless half human engine. I might have been imagining it, but I thought I could feel little vibrations as his feet stomped the pavement.

  What a pain. We had to head all the way back to Artemis’s domicile to pick up the staff and the first sword, because Florian and I very well couldn’t walk around Valero carrying full-sized weapons. The fanny pack made it easy to transport all three of the items Loki requested. I appreciated the functionality, but it didn’t make me think that it was any less garish. It also had a really annoying habit of flopping around and jingling while I ran.

  And now we were out in the city again, a dumpier part of it, definitely. I followed Florian’s lead since he remembered the venue for our first meeting with Loki best, a warehouse in the Gridiron. As Valero’s industrial district, it was a mostly featureless concrete wasteland filled with – well, even more warehouses, all of which looked so very much alike.

  “Which one?” I shouted, surprised that Florian was outpacing me for once.

  “Just trust me on this. Um, that one. I think.”

  He pointed out a warehouse that looked very much like the others, but I trusted Florian’s sense of direction more than my own. He was an alraune after all, right? Someone who was in touch with the earth? Or flat concrete, in this case. I had to admit, I didn’t like the idea that we were walking into the lion’s den with little to zero vegetation to depend on.

  “Hey, out of curiosity.” I nodded at the warehouse, panting. I was close to drenched in sweat, but at least the sun was down, which promised some slightly chillier weather. “No plant life in there, and none for a huge radius around. What would you do if we got in a fight?”

  He shrugged. “Punch stuff, I guess.”

  I frowned, but got an idea. “In the future, would it help if you carried around at least one plant with you?”

  Florian blinked, then frowned back. “What, you mean cradle a potted ficus wherever we went, just in case? That’s ridiculous.”

  “No, dumbass. You can get these super cute necklaces with tiny little terrariums for pendants.”

  Eyes wide, Florian rubbed his chin, pursed his lips, and nodded. “That’s not a bad idea.”

  “Make them overgrow in a pinch, you know? Choke a bastard out. Whatever helps in a fight. Next time, then.”

  A cold, leathery arm draped over my shoulder, and I yelped. “What are we talking about?”

  I pulled myself out of Sterling’s reach, pedaling backwards as my goosebumps found their way back under my skin. “Jesus, Sterling, give a guy some warning, would you?”

  He still had his other arm slung over Florian’s shoulder. Florian looked perfectly unperturbed.

  “Oh, so that’s how you greet me?” Sterling scoffed. “No appreciation for me showing up to the fight? ‘Thank you, Sterling, for being our handsome and extremely sexy backup.’ It’s really not that hard.”

  Florian smiled, then chuckled. “Thank you for being our extremely sexy backup.”

  “Don’t encourage him,” I snapped. I shook my head, my heart still racing from both the sprint and Sterling’s little scare. “How did you find us out here, anyhow? How’d you know where we were heading?”

  Sterling grinned, then lifted one hand, twiddling his fingers. Both his fangs and a ring with an amber gem in it gleamed. “Borrowed one of Carver’s scrying rings. You know he loves to enchant his jewelry. He won’t miss this one.”

  I gnawed on my lower lip, annoyed that even my friends had resorted to stalking, but at least Sterling had good intentions. “Thanks,” I said grudgingly. “But don’t make a habit of this.”

  Sterling stretched out his fingers, admiring his nails and his newly pilfered ring. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  My eyes drifted down to the scabbard attached to his hip. So the ring wasn’t the only enchanted artifact he’d brought along. Sheathed in the scabbard was a katana gifted to him by Susanoo, the Japanese god of storms.

  “Wow.” Florian nodded at the sword. “Looks like you’re ready for a fight.”

  Sterling scoffed. “Please. Don’t tell me you two seriously believe that this isn’t going to end in hellfire. It’s Loki we’re talking about. The katana is just there for insurance.”

  Despite my nerves still fraying, I forced myself to give Sterling a smile. “You’re a good friend, Sterling. Thanks.”

  He wagged his finger. “No. Nope. Uncle. I’m a good uncle.”

  I sighed. “Let’s just get this over with. Florian?”

>   Florian nodded, then led the way into the warehouse, knocking on the shuttered doors. They rattled open as they flew upwards, guided by one of those massive, icy-looking gentlemen that Loki liked to employ. The frost giant nodded curtly, then ushered us in.

  Loki – sorry, Theodore Thorpe’s warehouse was different. There was way more stock than before, crates piled higher, pallets as far as the eye could see. A couple of forklifts lingered towards the back of the warehouse, their work for the night completed. Sterling whistled as he looked around.

  “What the hell is he shipping? Doesn’t he run the Happy Cow? These can’t all be burgers.” He rapped his knuckles on a nearby crate. “Not very sanitary either. No refrigeration.”

  “You would know all about decay and decomposition, wouldn’t you, blood-drinker?”

  Loki’s voice filled the warehouse, but when he stepped out from behind a stack of crates, he was just another man, just Theodore Thorpe in one of his snazzy suits. Out of my peripheral vision I caught Florian stiffening. Sterling’s knees bent a little lower to the ground. I could hear him snarling under his breath.

  “We’re here to give you the goods, Loki.” I stepped forward, patting at my fanny pack. “Got ’em all right here.”

  Loki narrowed his eyes and grimaced as he looked at my waist, but he said nothing. Instead he turned to address Sterling, gesturing at the crates around us. “These are not hamburger patties, friend. Give me more credit than that. Haven’t you heard? Happy, Inc. is expanding into technology now. These are all virtual home assistants.”

  I sighed, tapping my foot. “We don’t need another sales pitch, Loki.”

  “Of course. Of course. You’re just here to complete a transaction.”

  He was hiding one hand behind his back. I flinched when he brought it forward, then sighed in relief when I saw that it was just one of his precious Cubes. He lifted it to his face, its surface almost wooden and brown except for little panels of light that bathed his skin in an eerie, whitish glow.

  “I’m just so proud of my little babies, is all,” he said, somewhat wistful. “I worked so hard on developing them, too.”

  Sterling rolled his eyes and stamped his foot. “Fine. Tell me about the stupid things.”

  Loki beamed excitedly. “The Cube is a home assistant, speaker, digital photo frame, alarm clock, and mini computer, all in one. It can do anything and everything. The dream is to have one in every home.” He sighed, smiling proudly at the single Cube cradled in his hands. “I’m not just about burgers and hotdogs, after all.”

  “Great. Awesome.” Sterling folded his arms. “Bully for you. Now let’s just finish this exchange so we can all get on with our lives.”

  “Oh, of course. All right.” Loki set the Cube down on top of a nearby crate, clearing his throat. He waved his hand, and a squat, solid block of wood with three slots along its top – one for every weapon – appeared at his feet. “Just hand me the relics I requested.”

  I nodded, carefully unzipping my – sorry, Beatrice’s fanny pack. The zip itself felt warm, oddly, either from the container’s own magic, or potentially from the proximity of three ancient weapons being nestled so close together in such a limited space. One by one I brought out the three relics, standing them in the slots. I saved Laevateinn for the middle, almost awed by the bizarre, reddish hue of its steel as I stood it in place.

  Loki smiled beatifically, stroking Laevateinn’s hilt like it was the brow of a favorite child, the back of a kitten. “Beloved,” he murmured. “You’ve returned.”

  The warehouse around us – well, it changed. First came the humming, then the vibrations. Sterling and Florian closed in on me, our natural, wordless instinct to clump together in case of a scrap. Where the hell was that commotion coming from?

  “What’s going on?” Florian looked around himself, eyes wild, and maybe even a little frightened.

  “They’re waking up,” Loki said quietly.

  The Cube that Loki had placed on the crate – it moved. It was just a shift of half of an inch towards the edge of the crate, but it moved all on its own. From my left, from among the stacked pallets, came a sound very much like dozens of dog whining – then growling.

  “This is not good. Not good at all.” I looked between Sterling and Florian, then turned to Loki. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “Oh, not at all, nephilim. On their own, the Cubes would have fed back to corporate with information about every household, every user they came in contact with. But because you brought my baby home, these little critters can do so much more.”

  Florian tugged on my arm. “Mason? I don’t like this.”

  “Neither do I,” I grunted back. “But we’re not running. Who else is going to stop this?”

  Loki chuckled. “Stop this? How could you hope to stop the onslaught? These things ship tonight. Each little lovely is a living creature, hidden in the guise of a home assistant. Imagine that, the speaker sitting on your side table doing so much more than playing music.” He brought one hand up to his face, grinning madly, overwhelmed by his own genius. “The Cubes are there to siphon human energy. Trace amounts of life, not enough that anyone would miss them. But add up enough from the millions that sleep next to these things? Harvest the wealth of their dreams and the currency of their nightmares?”

  “That’s insane.” My back bumped against Florian’s shoulder as I retreated, eager to find a more optimal position for when Loki’s monologue would inevitably lead into a huge fight. “You can’t possibly pull this off. There’s just no way.”

  “Oh, can’t I?” The god of deception rose to his full height, spreading his arms as every Cube in the warehouse creaked and squeaked and rattled into animated life. “What’s the next step above ‘god?’ Imagine deposing the All-Father. I could be the All-Father.” I didn’t think it was possible, but the grin splitting his face went even wider. “I could be the father of all pantheons.”

  “This was why Arachne was hiding the sword from you all along.”

  “Meddling spider. I’ll squish her. End her.” He glanced around the warehouse, at his sentient Cubes, all of them glimmering and chittering. “I’ll end all of you.”

  “Enough with this bullshit,” Sterling snarled.

  Sparks crackled as he drew his katana, tiny arcs of lightning springing from sheath to sword as he extended it in an expert horizontal slash. The Cube closest to us shuddered, then slid into two perfectly sliced pieces. Black goo oozed from its insides like blood.

  Loki’s voice was hoarse when he spoke. “Oh. You probably shouldn’t have done that.”

  36

  The entire building was shaking by now, the warehouse filled with a horrible groaning that seemed to emanate from the walls. Loki was cradling the two halves of the severed Cube in his hands, his fingers sticky with black blood. He looked up at us with a terrifying mix of horror and delight as he addressed Sterling specifically.

  “You’ve angered its brethren.”

  The crates were jerking across the concrete, toppling over, splintering at the seams. Sterling, Florian, and I tightened into a smaller circle, our shoulders practically touching. The Cubes tumbled out of their crates, wriggling free of plastic wrappers and packing peanuts, attracted, it seemed, to each other.

  They slid across the floor as if magnetized, and brick by careful brick the boxes sloughed off their wooden shells, revealing jelly-like cubic cores that stacked themselves into piles, growing taller, wider, higher. Their true bodies were clearly thick, membraneous gels coalesced into the shape of an enormous translucent humanoid, one built out of bizarre organic parts.

  “What the fuck is that thing?” Sterling shouted, his katana brandished.

  “Listen,” I snarled, sending my thoughts to the Vestments. “It’s your fault it got so pissed off to begin with.”

  Loki walked past us, stepping too dangerously close, like he knew that even together, the three of us barely represented a threat against his deific power. “Now you’ve gone a
nd done it. Who knew that my babies could meld and transform themselves into a golem? They were supposed to ship out in the morning, you know. These are for California, just a test run for the moment. Then America, then the world.”

  “This is fucked up,” I said. “Even for you, Loki.”

  The god scoffed. “I gave birth to an eight-legged horse and fathered the wolf that will eat the sun. Creating these little ones wasn’t much of a challenge. All it took was time.”

  Florian pointed at the translucent giant. “Exactly how the hell do you plan to break that thing down into its parts and pack them into boxes again?”

  Loki scratched the bottom of his chin, gazing up at his abominable offspring. “Oh, they just need to let out some aggression, that’s all. All they have to do is feed, and they’ll calm right down.”

  “They need to – did you say feed?”

  I accepted the sword and shield that appeared out of the Vestments, pleased that I could still access two separate things to use in this fight. Or maybe Raziel was right and I’d made one of them out of my bare hands with my half angel magic bullshit. But I won’t deny that I was still heavily anxious about a fight to begin with. I mean, the thing was massive. How high do warehouse ceilings go? This monster’s head was up in the rafters.

  “Best of luck, gentlemen.” Loki walked to a far corner of the warehouse, settling into an armchair. A frost giant rushed to his side, pouring him some tea in a dainty cup and saucer set. Loki sat there sipping with a smile on his face.

  Behind him, past the slightly cracked opening of a door, more frost giants were watching, poking their heads in to ogle the Cube colossus. Then the colossus – golem, titan, whatever the hell it was – threw its gelatinous head back, unleashing an ululating, gurgling roar that shook the warehouse.

  Florian kicked at the empty crates nearest us, freaking out, his forehead glazed with sweat. “How can there be no plants in a one-mile radius? What kind of concrete hell is this?”