Not Quickly Broken

by Cronk, LN

“No.”

  “Well, unless you’re a registered student, you can’t check out any materials . . . unless you want to purchase a “Friends of the Library” membership. It’s good for one year and gives you the same benefits and privileges you’ll have when you’re a student. You can check out anything except for reference materials.”

  “How much is that?”

  “Fifty dollars.”

  “Fifty dollars?”

  For fifty dollars I could buy an origami book . . . or three. Or I could just pay somebody else to do my origami for me.

  “Thanks,” I said. “I’ll just wait.”

  I lugged my books back to the elementary education section, plopped them back down on the table, and started looking through them. I decided that if one of them looked particularly good, I could order it online and still come out about thirty bucks ahead. I was right in the middle of flipping through Folding Fun when I heard someone say my name.

  “Jordan?”

  I looked up.

  It took me a very long moment to realize who I was staring at.

  The braid was gone now . . . Her hair was shoulder length and hanging in loose curls around her face. She was also taller and somehow even prettier and . . . curvier.

  My mouth dropped open.

  “Rhiannon?”

  She grinned and nodded and I stood up.

  “Wow!” I said as we hugged each other. “I can’t believe this! What are you doing here?”

  “Summer school,” she said, holding up a book. “Student teaching this fall and then I’m outta here.”

  “Elementary ed?” I guessed.

  “Yeah,” she nodded, happily.

  “That’s great.”

  She surveyed the books on my table. “Are you going into teaching, too?” she asked.

  “No,” I said. “I have to make an origami wolf for someone.”

  “Are you a student here?”

  “I’m transferring here this fall,” I nodded.

  “That’s great!” she smiled. “What program?”

  “Speech.”

  “Oh, cool!” she enthused. “How’s Lily doing, anyway?”

  “I can’t believe you remember her name!” I said, pulling out a chair. “Here, sit down.”

  We both sat at the table.

  “You talked about her all the time,” Rhiannon reminded me.

  “Yeah, I guess I did,” I smiled. “Well, anyway, she’s great. She got cochlear implants about four years ago and she’s doing great. They moved to Mexico a while back, but I saw her at Christmastime and she’s really good. That’s actually who the wolf is for.” I indicated the books that were spread out across the table with my hand.

  “You’re married?” she asked, catching sight of my wedding ring.

  “Uh, yeah,” I said, looking down at my ring and fingering it. “I am.”

  “Congratulations,” she said. “What’s her name?”

  “Charlotte,” I answered. “Actually, you probably know her. Do you remember Charlotte White?”

  “Charlotte White?” she choked. She stared at me as if I had grown a second head. “You married Charlotte White!?”

  “Is that bad?”

  “Oh, no,” she said, shaking her head and trying unsuccessfully to change the expression on her face. “I just . . . I just can’t believe that you and . . . Charlotte White? Really? That blows my mind. How in the world did that happen?”

  “Ummm, I don’t know,” I said. “Why are you so surprised?”

  “Because,” she said, “I can’t imagine any two people who are more different than the two of you!”

  “Really? Why do you say that?”

  “Are you kidding?” she asked. “You were always so quiet and nice and sweet and . . .”

  “And?” I asked when she hesitated.

  “And, uhhhh . . .”

  “What?”

  “And Charlotte wasn’t,” she finally finished. Then she hurriedly added, “No offense.”

  “Wow,” I said. “What’d she do to you?”

  “Just . . . nothing,” Rhiannon said, shaking her head. “It was a long time ago. We were kids.”

  “Well, what’d she do?”

  “Nothing,” she said again, but then she went on, “just . . . just little stuff I guess.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like,” she looked uneasy. “Like one time she told me this joke – it was a really dirty joke and she knew I wouldn’t even know what she was talking about. She and her friends just wanted to see my reaction so they could make fun of me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t need to apologize for her,” Rhiannon said. “But I remember lots of little stuff like that, so I guess if I’d had to pick who I thought you would’ve married, she just would’ve been the last person in the world I would have picked. But like I said, that was a long time ago and we were all young. I’m sure she’s changed a lot.”

  “She has,” I agreed. “She’s not like that at all now.” But even as I was saying the words, my mind flashed back to the joke she’d told the night before in the restaurant.

  “I saw on the news about your dad a few years ago,” she said in a quiet voice, changing the subject. “I was so sorry to hear about that.”

  “Thank you,” I nodded.

  “Did they ever find out who did it?” she asked gently.

  “He killed himself,” I replied. She looked confused, but didn’t ask anything further about it.

  “How’s Tanner doing these days?”

  “Same old Tanner,” I said, rolling my eyes knowingly.

  She smiled and then asked, “How about Chase?”

  “Chase isn’t good at all,” I answered, shaking my head.

  “He’s still, umm . . . partaking?”

  “No,” I told her, “I don’t think so, but he’s really sick.”

  “What’s wrong with him?” she asked, worriedly.

  “Have you ever heard of Huntington’s disease?”

  “Yeah,” she nodded. “My roommate’s uncle got diagnosed with it last year and she was really worried she might have it until her mom got tested and–”

  She stopped herself and looked at me cautiously.

  “Chase has Huntington’s?” she asked. “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m sure.”

  “But I thought you didn’t usually get Huntington’s until you’re middle-aged.”

  “That’s how it usually is,” I agreed, “but you can get it anytime.”

  She looked at me for the longest time in mild disbelief. She searched my eyes, hoping for a reassurance that she wasn’t going to find. Finally, she asked.

  “Have you been tested?”

  I didn’t say anything.

  She continued to stare at me and then finally brought her hand up to her mouth, shaking her head.

  “Oh, Jordan,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

  I nodded, feeling tears spring into my own eyes. I found it odd that I’d found out months ago, but for some reason I hadn’t cried about it until now.

  “You haven’t had any symptoms, have you?” she asked, reaching out and touching my arm.

  I shook my head.

  “You know you could be like in your sixties or seventies before anything even happens?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  “And then it could progress so slowly that . . .”

  I nodded again.

  “That’s what I’ll pray for,” she said. “Okay?”

  “Thank you.”

  “How’s Charlotte taking it?” she asked.

  “I haven’t told her,” I said.

  “You haven’t told her?” Rhiannon looked horrified.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  I shook my head and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t think I’m going to tell her.”

  “You can’t keep something like this a secret!” she gasped.

  “Why not?”
I asked. “If I start getting symptoms I’ll tell her, otherwise why bother? Right now she thinks I’m not going to get tested and she knows there’s only a fifty-fifty chance I’ll get it. So right now she’s got hope. If I tell her the truth then she’s got no hope. Isn’t it better to let her have some hope for as long as possible?”

  “I don’t know,” Rhiannon said, shaking her head with uncertainty. “I guess it’s none of my business, but . . . I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  We talked for a while longer and then, before she left, Rhiannon asked if she could pray with me.

  “Yeah,” I said, nodding slowly. “That would be nice actually.”

  She reached over and put both of her hands on top of mine and she bowed her head and started talking to God. As she spoke, I realized that there was no one else who was praying for me . . . no one.

  When she was finished, I opened my eyes and smiled at her.

  “Thank you,” I said. “I feel better than I’ve felt in months.”

  “Good,” she smiled, hugging me and then standing up to leave. “I’m glad we ran into each other.”

  “Me too.”

  “I’ll keep praying for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Take care,” she said, giving my arm another pat. “Maybe we’ll see each other again sometime. I come here a lot.”

  ~ ~ ~

  THE NEXT DAY I parked myself at the same table with a stack of specially printed origami paper that I’d purchased at an art supply store. I was going to make an alpha wolf and a beta wolf and an omega wolf – a whole, howling wolf pack. I also had paper that was printed with tiger stripes, leopard dots and crocodile scales. I had decided that I was going to sit there in that library and make Lily an entire zoo if I needed to . . .

  It turned out that two hours was long enough.

  “Hey,” Rhiannon said quietly when she came by, giving me a smile as I looked up from my folding.

  “Hi,” I smiled back. She pulled up a chair across from me.

  “Whatcha working on?”

  “Ummmm, a goldfish,” I said.

  “I thought you were going to make a wolf.”

  “I’m starting with some of the easier stuff,” I explained. I held out my first creation. “What do you think?”

  “Oh! That’s good!” she said, looking at it carefully. “Is it a Loch Ness monster?”

  “No! It’s a snake.”

  “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I can totally see that. It looks just like a snake.”

  “Liar.”

  “No, really,” she said. “It’s good.”

  I laughed and she laughed too.

  After a moment I said, “Remember when you asked me about my dad yesterday?”

  She nodded solemnly.

  “I didn’t really explain what happened,” I said.

  “That’s okay. You don’t need to explain anything.”

  “I want to,” I told her, “unless you’re in a hurry to get going or something.”

  “Oh, no,” she assured me. “My class isn’t until after lunch.” So I told her all about my dad killing himself . . . about his insurance policy . . . about how he had planned to kill himself and didn’t even say goodbye. I told her how Chase had been home when my dad had done it. I wanted to know how he could do something like that? Who did he think was going to find him? What was going through his mind?

  “I mean . . . how did he think that killing himself in our basement was a good thing to do? What did he think the rest of us were going to go through for the rest of our lives?”

  “I’m sorry, Jordan,” she said sympathetically.

  “It’s fine,” I said, shaking my head in disgust.

  We talked some more and then when she got ready to leave, Rhiannon offered to pray for me again. This time I wasn’t concentrating so much on what she was saying, but on how her hands felt as they covered mine. I once again felt really good when she had finished.

  “Any chance you’re getting ready to eat?” I asked her.

  “Yeah,” she nodded. “I’m just going to the cafeteria. Wanna join me?”

  I certainly did.

  The next day Rhiannon sat down and said, “I had a feeling I might find you here again.” She smiled at me and I smiled back. Then she slid a piece of paper across the table at me. “I was reading this this morning and it made me think of you.”

  I took the piece of paper from her and read the Scripture she had written:

  Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you have planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5

  I looked up at her. She had tears in her eyes.

  “It reminded me of Jeremiah, twenty-nine, eleven. You know?” she asked, and I nodded. I knew it well, but she repeated it anyway. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

  I nodded again.

  “I just wanted to encourage you, somehow,” she went on. “I’ve been praying for you and I just really feel like God has wonderful plans for you and that He’s going to do something really special in your life.”

  “Thank you,” I said, clutching the little piece of paper in my hand.

  “You’re welcome,” she smiled.

  “Any chance you’re free again for lunch?” I asked.

  I looked forward to seeing Rhiannon every day. She didn’t always show up at the library, but most days she did and she started making a habit of sharing Scripture with me that she thought I would find encouraging. She also prayed with me and told me that she was praying for me, every day.

  We got tired of eating in the cafeteria and started walking to some restaurants that were close to campus and one day I suggested that we go a place that was a bit further away. I offered to drive.

  It was while we were there that Charlotte called. Rhiannon had excused herself to go to the restroom, so I answered my phone.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “Hey,” she said. “Where are you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean where are you?” she asked. “I came home and you’re not here . . .”

  “Oh,” I said. “No, I’m not there.”

  “I know you’re not here,” she said. “Where are you?”

  “I’m working out,” I said.

  “Oh,” she replied, sounding disappointed. “I was trying to surprise you.”

  “Surprise me?”

  “I thought we could have lunch together.”

  “No,” I said. “I can’t. I just bought a protein shake and I’m getting ready to lift.”

  “Okay,” she said. “Whatever. You’re always complaining that I don’t spend any time with you . . .”

  “Well, I’m sorry,” I said. “If you’d told me this morning that you wanted to have lunch with me I’d be there.”

  “I wanted to surprise you,” she said again.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah,” she sighed. “Me too. I guess I’ll just see you tonight.”

  “Okay,” I said, “bye,” and I hung up just as Rhiannon returned to our table.

  It was stupid of Charlotte to think that she could just ignore me for days on end and then expect me to be ready to do whatever she wanted as soon as she snapped her fingers. Was I supposed to be a mind reader? Was I supposed to just clairvoyantly know that she might suddenly want to have lunch with me out of the blue?

  She really gave me the cold shoulder that evening when she finally got home, barely speaking two words to me . . . I didn’t care. Neither one of us asked the other for a good night kiss and I turned my back on her as soon as we climbed into bed and fell into a sound sleep.

  I had things to dream about.

  The next day when Rhiannon sat down at our table in the library, I told her that I wanted to tell her something.

  “What?” she asked.

  I re
ached over and took her hand. We always held hands whenever we prayed so it didn’t feel unnatural at all. I looked into her eyes.

  “I wanted to tell you how much it means to me to be able to talk to you every day,” I said, squeezing her hand. She smiled that great smile of hers at me. “You don’t have any idea how good it makes me feel to know that you’re praying for me and that you care about me.”

  “I do care about you, Jordan,” she said softly. “I care about you a lot.”

  “Did you know that I care about you, too?” I asked.

  She nodded, gave me another smile, and I leaned toward her, pressing my lips against hers.

  She didn’t kiss me back.

  “What are you doing?” she cried, pulling away from me.

  “I care about you,” I said again, squeezing her hand.

  “I care about you, too,” she said, pulling her hand away from me as well, “but you’re married!”

  I didn’t really have anything to say to that.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, hurriedly getting out of her chair. “I’ve gotta go.”

  “Rhiannon, wait!” I said, standing up too.

  “Go home, Jordan.” She looked me straight in the eye. “You need to go home to your wife.”

  ~ ~ ~

  I WENT HOME, but not to my wife because, of course, my wife wasn’t there. It was lunch time, but I wasn’t hungry, so I pulled on some shorts and my running shoes and went for a long jog. I tried to clear my head, but I had a lot of thoughts in there and it wasn’t easy. The one thing that kept running through my mind was, Why does everything keep going so wrong?

  Charlotte came home surprisingly early that afternoon and I decided that if she wanted to go out to dinner with me I was going to take her up on it and try my best to be pleasant.

  That wasn’t what she wanted.

  “Where were you this morning?” she asked.

  “Here.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah,” I said, immediately worried by the edge in her voice. “Why?”

  “Where were you yesterday?”