Not Quickly Broken
Page 16
“And pretend like everything’s fine?”
She nodded again.
“Oh,” I said. “Now I see why you bailed me out.”
She didn’t say anything. We rode along in silence.
“Okay,” I said after a minute.
“You’ll do it?” she asked, sounding surprised.
“Yeah,” I nodded.
I heard her breathe a sigh of relief.
“As long as you’ll do something for me,” I added.
“What?” she asked suspiciously.
“Go see a marriage counselor with me.”
“No!” she cried. “No way!”
“Then forget it,” I told her, shrugging. “I’ll call your mom myself and tell her you’re living with Elias and that you want to divorce me.”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Why wouldn’t I, Charlotte?” I asked her. “I’ve got nothing left to lose – it’s not like there’s anything else you can do to me.”
“My mother needs to be concentrating on fighting cancer – not worrying about us! Do you know what it would do to her if she found out about this?”
“Well, then,” I shrugged again, “you’d better go see a marriage counselor with me so she doesn’t find out.”
She let out a heavy sigh.
“Why are you doing this, Jordan?” she asked in a quiet voice.
“Because,” I said, “we need help.”
“We don’t need help!” she protested. “We need a divorce! It’s over, Jordan.”
“I’m not going to give you a divorce,” I told her.
“I don’t know why you want to make this so hard,” she muttered, shaking her head.
“Because you’re my wife, that’s why,” I said. “It says in the Bible that what God has put together let not man–”
“Maybe you should have thought of that before you had an affair!” she shouted at me.
“I didn’t have an affair!”
“You know what, Jordan?” she asked, angrily. “You’re always talking about God and acting like you’re so much better than everybody else, but in case you hadn’t noticed, it also says in the Bible that if a man lusts after a woman then he’s already committed adultery in his heart.”
That shut me up. I was quiet until she finally turned onto our street.
“I’ll make a deal with you,” I told her.
“What?” she asked angrily.
“Go to counseling with me and I promise I’ll go to your mom’s with you for Labor Day and act like everything’s okay. And after we’ve gone to counseling – if you still want me to – I’ll give you a divorce without any hassle. I’ll just sign the papers . . . I won’t fight it any more. I’ll do whatever you want.”
“How long do we have to go to counseling?” she asked warily, turning into our apartment complex.
“Six months.”
“No way!” she cried.
“Four,” I said.
“No,” she said again. “I’ll go with you between now and Labor Day.”
“That’s like two weeks, Charlotte!”
“That’s all you’re gonna get,” she told me.
“Fine,” I shrugged. “I sure hope your mom’s all better by then, because if she’s not–”
“Okay, okay!” Charlotte interrupted. “The end of October.”
“The end of November,” I insisted. “Give it until Thanksgiving.”
She pulled into a parking spot and didn’t say anything. I could tell that she was calculating what her mom’s recovery time would be if she did indeed need chemo and radiation and if it was possible that she would be in the clear by Thanksgiving.
“How often?” she finally asked.
“Once a week.”
She thought for another long moment.
“Okay.”
“And I get to pick the counselor,” I added hastily.
“Whatever,” she said as I opened my door. “But then after Thanksgiving you’ll sign the papers like you promised?”
“If that’s what you still want,” I nodded.
“Trust me,” she said, putting the car in reverse and barely waiting for me to get out. “It will be.”
Jail and cancer . . . not exactly what I’d had in mind when I’d prayed for a miracle. I guess God must have really wanted me and Charlotte to get back together.
~ ~ ~
OUR COUNSELOR’S NAME was Dr. Oransky and I liked him immediately. He came out into the lobby where I was waiting for my first session and got me himself, (our first few appointments were going to be individual sessions). Dr. Oransky shook my hand and led me back into his office and then he invited me to sit down and asked me if it was okay if he opened our session up with a word of prayer.
“Okay,” I nodded. “Sure.”
We bowed our heads and he spoke.
“Dear Father, we pray that Your spirit will be present with us today in this room and that You will fill us with Your Holy Spirit, Lord. We pray that You will guide our steps and open our minds and allow us to seek Your will. We pray for Jordan and Charlotte’s marriage, Lord, and for the healing that You have already begun. Please keep Your hand on Jordan and Charlotte and hold them close to Your heart. I pray for Jordan now, Lord, that You will be with him as we begin to work toward a solution to the problems that have been set before him, and I pray for wisdom and discernment as I guide him. In Christ’s name we pray, Amen.”
“Amen,” I said.
We both sat back and looked at each other.
“I had my first session with Charlotte yesterday,” he began. I nodded – glad (and somewhat surprised) that she had kept her end of the bargain. “Boy,” he went on, shaking his head and trying unsuccessfully not to smile. “Is your wife ever mad at you!”
Dr. Oransky told me that anything I shared with him would be held in the strictest of confidence.
“I won’t share anything with Charlotte,” he promised me, “unless you give me express permission to do so, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Did you sleep with Rhiannon?” he asked me.
“Wow,” I said. “You like to get right to the point, don’t you?”
“Would you rather talk about the weather first?”
“No.”
“So,” he asked again. “Did you sleep with her?”
“No,” I said again, shaking my head.
“Anything you tell me is completely confidential,” he reminded me.
“I didn’t sleep with her,” I insisted. “I didn’t do anything with her! I kissed her. One time! That’s all!”
“Why did you kiss her?”
“I . . . I don’t know,” I stammered. “I guess I was attracted to her.”
“She’s an old girlfriend?” Dr. Oransky asked.
“Yeah. She was my first girlfriend. We were young when we started going out . . . like seventh grade.”
“Tell me about her.”
“Why?” I asked. “I wanna talk about Charlotte. I wanna find out what I need to do to fix my marriage with Charlotte.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because she’s my wife. I need to make things right with her.”
“Why do you need to do that?”
“Because,” I said. “That’s what I’m supposed to do.”
“You mean you think it’s what God wants you to do?”
“Yeah.”
“Is it what you want to do?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because,” I said again. “It’s what I’m supposed to do.”
“Do you love her?”
I looked down at my hands.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, looking back up at him.
“She thinks that the only reason you want to get back together with her is because you believe it would be wrong to get divorced,” he said. “Would that be accurate?”
I looked down at my hands again . . . at my wedding ring.
“Maybe,” I finally sighed.
“You think I should give her a divorce?” I asked him, shocked. I was quickly beginning to question David’s choice of a Christian counselor.
“No,” he smiled. “But I do think that we need to talk about why you don’t love her and figure out what we can do about it.”
“I didn’t say that I didn’t love her,” I clarified. “I said I didn’t know if I loved her.”
“Was there a time when you did know that you loved her?”
“Yes,” I nodded emphatically. “I used to love her very much.”
“And when did that change?”
“I . . . I’m not sure,” I said.
“Tell me about Rhiannon.”
“Why?” I asked again. “Why do we have to talk about her? I want to talk about Charlotte and how I can fix things with her.”
“Is it possible that your feelings for Charlotte started changing because of Rhiannon?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Charlotte and I were already having problems before Rhiannon came along.”
“What kind of problems?”
“We . . . we’d drifted apart. Things had changed. We were wanting different things in life. Her values and my values . . . they weren’t the same.”
“Did they used to be the same?”
“No,” I admitted. “I don’t think so. Not really.”
“So things didn’t really change?” he asked me.
“Well, no,” I agreed reluctantly.
“Perhaps you just never realized before that your values were different?”
“Maybe.”
“And perhaps having Rhiannon back in your life is what made you start to realize that?”
“Maybe,” I said again, nodding reluctantly.
“That’s what Charlotte thinks,” he said.
“It is?”
“Yes,” he nodded. “She thinks she’s all wrong for you and that you would be much happier married to someone like Rhiannon and that it just took you awhile to realize it.”
I didn’t say anything.
“She’s always felt that she was never good enough for you . . . that you really deserved someone better–”
“What?”
He nodded at me.
“She told you that?” I asked.
“Well, not in so many words,” he shrugged, “but essentially that’s how she feels.”
“I thought everything we tell you is confidential,” I said carefully. “How come you’re telling me what Charlotte said?”
“She said that I had permission to tell you everything.”
“She did?”
“Well, she said it a bit more colorfully than that . . .”
“Colorfully?”
“Yes,” he smiled, glancing down at his notes. “She said I could tell you whatever the . . .” he coughed into his hand, “heck I wanted and she didn’t give a . . .” he coughed again and glanced back up at me. “Well, you get the idea.”
I nodded.
“I can’t believe she told you she wasn’t good enough for me,” I said. “That’s stupid.”
“Why’s that stupid?”
“Charlotte was the salutatorian of our class,” I informed him. “She finished her major in two and a half years . . . she got into one of the best schools of architecture in the country . . .”
“So she’s smart?”
“Yes, she’s smart! She’s very smart!”
“And the fact that she’s smart should make her feel like she’s good enough for you?”
“She’s not just smart,” I said. “She’s got a lot going for her.”
“Like what?”
“You saw her,” I said, giving my shoulders a little shrug. “She’s beautiful.”
“And is that what you’re looking for in a woman?” he asked. “Smart and beautiful?”
I looked at him.
“She’s smart,” Dr. Oransky agreed, “and she’s beautiful, but Charlotte doesn’t really have control over either one of those things. In the areas she feels she does have control – her actions and her behavior for example – she feels that she doesn’t measure up.”
“To who?”
“To you . . . to Rhiannon . . . to most people. She feels very inferior to other people.”
“Charlotte doesn’t feel inferior to anybody!” I cried. “She’s one of the most outgoing people I know!”
“Ever hear of the term ‘overcompensation’?” he asked me.
I didn’t say anything.
“Charlotte has very low self-esteem,” he went on. “She’s always felt unworthy, always felt as if she has to prove herself, and if she doesn’t perform well, then she fears that no one is going to love her.”
I still didn’t say anything.
“So, is she right?” Dr. Oransky asked me. “Is she all wrong for you? Was it a mistake that you married her in the first place?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Sometimes I think that. But it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not. I’m married to her now and I need to stay married to her. I want to fix our marriage. I want things to be good again.”
“Good again?”
“I want to love her like I used to.”
“Why did you love her?”
“I . . . I don’t really know.”
“Were you attracted to her physically?”
“Well, yeah,” I said, “but that’s not it . . .”
“When’s the first time you remember feeling that way about her?”
“Like I loved her?”
He nodded.
I thought for a moment.
“When I was walking her home one night,” I said finally. “She was telling me about the day that her dad and her brother were killed.”
“About the lizard?”
“Yeah,” I said, astonished. “She told you about that?”
“It was one of many examples she gave me of how she’s such a screw-up . . . why she’s not good enough for you . . . why you kissed Rhiannon.”
I was quiet for a moment.
“That’s not why I kissed Rhiannon,” I finally said, shaking my head.
“So tell me why,” he insisted.
“I . . . it felt really good to talk with her,” I said. “I hadn’t had anyone to talk with in such a long time.”
“What did you talk about?”
“My brothers.”
“Your brothers?
“My two older brothers,” I explained. “Chase and Tanner. I’ve always worried about them.”
“Why?”
“I dunno,” I shrugged and dropped my eyes. “They don’t always make the best decisions . . .” I looked back up at him.
He nodded. “And so you and Rhiannon talked about them?”
“Yeah.”
“And that made you feel better?”
I nodded.
“So much better that you decided to kiss her?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed, shaking my head and sitting back. I looked away.
He didn’t say anything.
“She prayed with me too,” I finally said.
“She prayed with you?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “It felt really good to have someone to pray with.”
“What did you pray about?”
“My brothers,” I said feebly.
“Anything else?”
I didn’t answer him for a long moment. He stayed quiet.
“Did Charlotte tell you about Chase?” I finally asked, glancing at him.
“No,” he answered, shaking his head.
I looked away again.
“Why don’t you tell me about him?” Dr. Oransky suggested.
I sighed and waited another moment before I could look back at him.
“He’s sick.”
“Sick?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “He’s dying.”
“I’m very sorry,” Dr. Oransky said.
I gave him a tight nod.
“So, you were upset about the fact that your brother is dying and praying with Rhiannon made you feel better?”
I didn’t answer him.
“Is there more to it than that?” Dr. Oransky asked.
I waited for a final moment and then I nodded.
He waited.
“Chase has Huntington’s,” I finally said.
“Huntington’s?” Dr. Oransky asked, obviously surprised.
“Yeah,” I said.
His eyes met mine and he paused.
“Have you been tested?” he asked.
I gave him the slightest of nods.
We looked at each other silently for a minute.
“You have it,” he stated very quietly.
I nodded again.
“I’m very sorry,” he said. Then he brought his hand to his chin and looked away. I could almost see him putting it all together. “And Charlotte doesn’t know,” he said, looking back at me. It was a statement, not a question.
I shook my head.
“But you told Rhiannon.”
“I wasn’t going to tell anyone,” I insisted. “It just . . . it just kinda happened.”
He sighed heavily.
“You have to tell Charlotte,” he finally said.
“No.” I shook my head.
“If you had talked to your wife about this in the first place then you wouldn’t have needed to unload on Rhiannon,” Dr. Oransky insisted. “None of this probably would have even happened.”
“I know,” I sighed.
“You need to tell Charlotte.”
“I don’t want her coming back to me just because she finds out I’m sick. If we get things fixed – if we get back together – then I’ll tell her.”
“You and Charlotte are never going to have a healthy marriage until you tell her about this,” he maintained.
“I know,” I nodded. “But I’m not going to tell her unless we work things out.”
We each met individually with Dr. Oransky the following week, as well.
“Let’s talk some more,” he began after we’d prayed, “about when things were good between you and Charlotte.”
“Okay.”
“You said that there was definitely a time when you used to love her, but that you’re not sure if you love her now.”
“Yes.”
“And the first time you realized how much you loved her was when she told you about the lizard?”