by Odette Stone
I studiously avoided him. I even went so far as to call the gallery and volunteer to come in and help with displays just so I didn’t have to be home alone with him. I would catch him studying me and it made me feel so bad for outright pushing him away, but I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for him I couldn’t even deal.
Matt had stopped texting and communicating altogether. I heard him come in. Always late at night, long after I had gone to bed. Where he was going and what he was doing was anyone’s guess, but I didn’t have a clue how to deal with him. So I did what I always did best when things got complicated. I pretended it wasn’t happening and just carried on. That was how I handled it when my parents died. That’s how I handed it when my granny passed. I just sucked it up and acted like everything was fine. It was how I got through everything bad in my life. Fake it until you make it.
***
It was late in the afternoon and I was sitting on the patio with Chloe listening to music on my iPod. Jackson had gone for a run. I ran upstairs to switch the laundry out. I had the towels from Jackson’s bathroom. I folded them, opened the bathroom door and stepped in.
I froze. It felt like I was observing the scene in slow motion. Jackson was in the shower. Steam swirled around the room. His head was back, his hair slicked back showing off the sharp angular features of his face. His eyes shut as water pounded over his face. Huge shoulders, massive arms. Washboard stomach that tapered down to…oh my God, his hand was on his member. And it was hard! He was masterbating. Jackson was masterbating! I was frozen to the spot and I could not peel my eyes off his hand, wrapped around his aroused hardness, moving on it, up and down. I had never seen the male appendage before in my life and I was stunned at how big it was. My breath was coming in short gasps. His hand stilled and I dragged my eyes up to his face. Green eyes were staring at me. Dark and aroused.
The towels and my iPod dropped out of my numb hands and the earpieces ripped out of my ears. All I could hear was my harsh breathing.
“I'm so sorry,” I breathed. I backed up, hitting my head hard against the half opened door. Holding the back of my head, I fumbled in a panic to get out. I had just violated his privacy in the most unbelievable way.
“Em,” he said, his voice low.
“Jackson, I'm so sorry,” I yanked open the door and hauled my ass out of there. I ran to my bathroom and slid down the wall, my face in my hands. I was breathing hard and I felt even more tingly than when he kissed me. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Flashes of his body kept replaying through my mind. Jackson, in all his glory. Aroused. Erect. It was so big. I had no idea how something like that would even fit into a woman. That wasn’t even normal, was it?
I grabbed a towel and screamed into it. I had just seen something that I would never be able to un-see. Jackson was gorgeous but Jackson naked and aroused, that was something that would ruin me for all other men. OMG. I would never be able to think of anything else when he was in the room. It was grossly unfair. It felt like I was starving for something that I would never be able to taste.
I sat there for a good half an hour. I was losing the plot. I was engaged to Matt who was never around. I didn’t even care. Because I was in so far deep with how I felt about Jackson, I couldn’t even think straight. Did I try and end it with Matt? No. Did I try and fix things? No. Try and end the engagement? No. Because in my mind I was still planning on marrying Matt.
I told myself lie after lie. We were going through a rough patch. This was just wedding jitters for both of us. None of this was real. My feelings for Jackson were not real. I needed to get a grip. I needed to get my facts straight. One, Jackson was so out of my pay grade it wasn’t even funny. Two, he did not want me. Most of this situation was my overactive imagination. Three, if the world was ending and for some bizarre reason we decided to cross that line, it would completely destroy his relationship with Matt and Irene. Four, he had a dangerous job and he didn’t want marriage and he didn’t want children. I did. Five, there was zero chance of any future between Jackson and I.
Now I needed to go downstairs and act like nothing was wrong. I needed to face the music.
***
I made my way down the stairs. Jackson was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. His hair was damp. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt that clung lovingly to his hard chest. His long legs crossed, while he scrolled on his phone.
I sat down at the island and took a deep breath. Avoiding his face.
“I ordered some pizza,” he finally said.
“Okay, thanks,” my voice sounded weird.
He stepped forward and with exaggerated care, placed my iPod on the island in front of me. Neither of us said anything. I traced my finger over a pattern in the granite. Not awkward at all. A flashback of his huge erect member in his big hand. I felt myself turn bright red. I covered my face with my hands and moaned.
He laughed. “Em.”
“I'm very sorry about that,” I choked out.
“You got yourself a little unexpected peep show,” he teased.
“Jackson, stop,” I pleaded. “I didn’t know you were home.”
“The look on your face,” he baited. “It’s like you’ve never seen anyone do that before.”
My eyes, against my stern permission, flew to his face. He was staring at me with the most intense look.
“You have seen a guy jerk off before, haven’t you?” he asked slowly.
I shook my head. The words were coming out of my mouth like someone had injected me with truth serum. “I haven’t actually seen a naked guy before. At least not in real life.”
Desire flickered to life in his eyes as he held my gaze. “”Emily, what exactly have you done?”
I licked my lips. “Why?”
“Curious.”
I told myself to think of this as a friendly sex-ed talk with an older guy friend. “I’ve kissed.”
“And?”
I shrugged, dropping my eyes.
“Have you ever had a guy go down on you?”
My eyes flew to his face. “Like with his mouth?”
“Yes, with his mouth.”
“No!”
“Have any of your little boyfriends ever coped a feel.”
I looked at him suspiciously. “What kind of feel?”
“You know, maybe one of them slid their hand up your skirt and explored a bit?”
My face was engulfed in flames. And something low and throbbing was happening between my legs. I was loving this conversation and hating it at the same time.
“No,” my voice was barely a whisper.
He started to move. As he walked passed me, he put his mouth on my ear. “Those weren’t fucking pity kisses.”
I froze as sensations shot down my neck where his breath was tickling my skin.
“Ready to talk about it yet?” his voice was low.
I shook my head.
“I'm going out. Money is on the counter for the pizza.”
And with that he left.
My heart was pounding again. What did he mean those weren’t pity kisses? Was he trying to tell me that he actually wanted to kiss me? It was an impossible thought. Why would someone like him want to kiss someone like me? Was he just toying with me? Why would he do that? Didn’t he know that my heart was already on the stake here, skewed stupidly, like some pulverized mushy mess.
I ate pizza by myself before dragging myself upstairs for the night.
Chapter 29
The next morning, I found my car keys on the island. Jackson was no where in sight which was probably for the best since things couldn’t get more awkward between us. It wasn’t him, it was all me. He was normal. He teased, flirted a bit, all harmless fun. I was the one ruining it with my traitorous feelings that I couldn’t help but wear on my sleeve. I was ashamed about how I felt. I felt so transparent around him, making me feel torn between wanting to spend all my time in his presence and hiding away from his knowing gaze.
I worked a ha
lf day at the gallery. Then I made my way to a small bistro, where I was meeting Julie for lunch. After we ordered, she took a good look at me.
“Jesus, you look exhausted. Have you been losing weight?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I think the wedding is stressing me out.” That and the fact that my fiancé and I hadn’t talked in days and that he was missing in action and I didn’t even care. Or maybe it was the knowledge that I had fallen in love with another man, a beautiful, unattainable man who threw me for a complete loop every single time he walked into the room.
“Do you have any big plans for your birthday?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Matt is a workaholic right now. I barely see him.”
“Why don’t we do a fun dinner out?”
I shook my head. That was the last thing I needed. “I don’t know.”
“Let me plan the entire thing. How about next Friday? That’s your actual birthday,” she reached across the table and squeezed my arm. I felt tears build up behind my eyes.
“Julie.”
“I mean it. Leave it all to me. You tell Jackson, since you won’t give me his cell number and I'll arrange the rest. We will go to my favourite restaurant.”
I didn’t want to disappoint her. “Okay.”
“So,” she smiled sheepishly. “Jackson didn’t call.”
I stared at Julie, thinking about Jackson. Julie and the vet were two very attractive women who had basically thrown themselves at him, and he had been completely indifferent. The whole thing just made my stupid crush even more embarrassing. He said his pity kisses were not pity kisses, but of course they were. I mean, why would he suffer through kissing me to make me feel better and then ruin it by admitting it was strictly out of pity. He was keeping up the charade to make me feel better.
Julie was staring at me. “What’s going on with you?”
I gave her a wan smile. “Nothing.”
She leaned forward. “I know you. Something is going on. What is it?”
I swallowed. The last person I wanted to tell my problems to was Julie.
“Is it Matt?”
I shook my head and lied. “No, Matt’s fine.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Is it Jackson? Is he a bad house guest?”
“No!” I protested. “Jackson is a great house guest.”
She leaned back and crossed her arms. “Oh my God.”
“What?” I felt my throat tighten.
She gave a harsh laugh. “You’re crushing.”
My eyes went wide. “What?! No. No!”
She pointed a finger at me. “I know that look. You have some big fucking crush on Jackson.”
“I don’t.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Does Matt know?”
I crossed my arms. “There is nothing for Matt to know because I'm not crushing. On Jackson? Please.”
She shook her head. “You got it bad. I can tell.”
“Julie,” I said, feeling incredibly alarmed. “Don’t be crazy. Don’t even go there.”
She gave me a knowing smile and then slapped my arm. “Oh relax, I'm just teasing you.”
I heaved a sigh of relief. “Don’t even tease about that kind of stuff. It isn’t funny.”
***
After lunch, I made my way home. I found Jackson lying on the couch, with Chloe curled up on his chest. He was reading, she was snoring in complete contentment. I had never been so jealous of anyone in my life. I wanted to be my dog.
I kicked off my heels and flopped on the chair across from them. Jackson looked at me over his book. He looked tired. I wondered what time he had gotten home last night. Would things be weird between us after our last conversation? Would I ever get past the fact that I had seen him naked. Flashes of him touching himself whipped through my mind. I felt myself start to blush again.
“How was your day?” he asked.
“Julie took me out for lunch.”
“How’s Julie?” Amusement traced his voice.
“She’s good. She wants to plan a little birthday dinner for me on Friday. Just a few of my friends. You are invited.”
“That should be fun for you,” he said, green eyes on my face.
“I guess.”
He raised his eyebrows in question.
I shrugged. “Parties aren’t really my thing. How’s your day been?”
He shrugged. “Same old. I bought some groceries.”
“Thanks.”
“What are you doing now?”
I looked around. I still had loads of things to do for the wedding, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do any of it. “What did you have in mind?”
“Want to take Chloe for a walk?”
***
After I changed, we grabbed her leash and started our walk. Usually it was just me walking her, but Chloe seemed extra excited that Jackson was with us. She kept stopping and sticking her nose in his hand.
“Is this your usual route?” he asked, looking around.
“Yeah, I usually walk her down to the river. There’s lots of grass there.”
“I run down there.”
We walked in compatible silence for a time.
“How are you and Matt doing?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. He’s never around. And it seems like neither of us actually want to make the first move to talk about stuff.”
“You still want to get married?”
I paused for so long, that I felt Jackson look down at me. “I'm hoping that if we can just make it to this wedding, everything will just sort itself out.”
“Is that how it works?”
I gave a short laugh. “God I hope so. We need to get past this.”
“What’s this?”
I looked down at my sneakers. “Things used to be easy. He was busy but he made an effort to see me. I would do my stuff and be excited to see him. Life was easy. Now everything just seems hard.”
He walked beside me silently. “You seem pretty determined to get married.”
I swallowed. I didn’t want to talk about marrying Matt. Right now I had so many doubts of my own, it was stressing me out. “I want what my parents had.”
“What was that?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. We were a family. We were happy. Right now, I don’t have any family left.”
We walked in silence for a long time. “That’s why you want kids. You want a family again.”
“Is that so awful? To want a family?”
“No.”
I sucked in my breath. “But you don’t want that. You don’t want a family.”
“No.”
Again. My stupid heart felt like it was being impaled by his words.
“Well, I guess there are lots of women who don’t want that either.”
We stood along the riverbank and watched as Chloe moved with determination, her nose to the ground.
“If Matt told you that he didn’t want children, would you still want to be with him?” His question came out of nowhere.
My heart pounded. If Matt told me he didn’t want children, it would feel like a get out of jail free card. It would mean I did not have to go through with this wedding. I slammed my mind shut on that thought, feeling immediate retribution.
I paused and looked up at him. “No. I would not want to marry him.”
My words hung awkwardly between us.
He picked up a stick and threw it a ridiculous distance for Chloe. “You want kids that bad?”
I pushed both my hands through my hair. “I don’t know! I'm so mixed up about everything.”
“What are you mixed up about?”
Anxiety flooded my body. My stomach hurt. “Nothing.”
“Okay.”
I dropped to my haunches and put my arms over my head. I moaned. “I'm so fucked up.”
I felt two strong hands grasp my wrists and gently pull them off my head. Jackson crouched in front of me. I looked with anguish up into his face. “I don’t know what I'm doing anymore.”
His expression was a mixture of concern and curiosity.
I took a deep breath. “I'm a hot mess.”
A smile grew on his face and then he started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. I started to laugh too.
“This isn’t funny,” I protested, laughing. “Nothing is working out. And instead of doing anything about my problems, I just pretend they don’t exist.”
Our laughter subsided and he said with meaning. “You deserve your happy ending.”
“What about you? What’s your happy ending?”
“Not everyone deserves one.”
I frowned. “You deserve one.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Jackson.”
He cupped my face with his large hand. “Don’t let him hurt you, okay?”
My eyes were wide. I wanted to ask him why he cared. I wanted to ask him what his happy ending was? And why he didn’t think he deserved one. But I didn’t. Chloe came bounding over and then Jackson was rolling around and wrestling with her.
I watched from the side, wondering how my heart was going to survive saying good-bye to this man.
Chapter 30
The birthday party dinner was a disaster before it even started. Matt was supposed to pick Jackson and I up on his way home from work. No later than 6 PM. It had been over a week since I had seen him. If I didn’t hear him come home late at night, I wasn’t sure that he was even living here.
Now it was half past six and there was still no sign of him. Nor had he answered any of my texts or phone calls. I paced the length of the kitchen in my heels, while Jackson sat silent, waiting for me to make up my mind.
Finally, after a second text from Julie asking where we were, I said, “I guess we should go. We are running late. Matt is just going to have to meet us there.”
***
Jackson drove. The restaurant was typical Julie. Elegant, expensive. Dark lighting and a french menu. We were shown to a private room in the back of the restaurant. There were 15 people around the huge table, and to my dismay, most of the people were Julie’s friends, not mine.
