by Odette Stone
“Can I get you something to drink?” he said, his voice low.
I shook my head. I wanted to ask him to get in and hold me, but I was afraid that he would say no. And I was already a needy weeping mess.
He nodded and stepped back.
I lifted my head, my voice full of fear. “Are you leaving?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I felt myself relax again. I couldn’t seem to keep my eyes open. “I feel so tired.”
“You’re coming off adrenaline. Just try and sleep. You will feel better once you sleep.”
“Don’t leave me,” the words sounded jumbled to my own ears.
His voice sounded so far away. “I couldn’t if I tried.”
***
I jerked awake. The room was black. I sat up, disoriented. My eyes adjusted to the lack of light. Jackson sat on a chair, his long legs crossed, his feet up on the edge of the bed. His arms were crossed and he was staring back at me. His features looked dark and angular in the dim light.
“How long have I been asleep?” my voice croaked.
He checked his military watch. “About six hours.”
I swallowed, my mouth dry. “Have you been sitting here with me the entire time?”
“Pretty much.”
I flopped back on my pillow and stared up at the ceiling. He had sat and guarded me while I slept. How was I not supposed to love this man? He made the task impossible.
I was pregnant. The thought jarred through my mind.
I sat straight back up, my heart pounding hard. Holy fuck. Had that been a dream? Had the doctor really told me that I was having a baby?
I looked over at Jackson. “Was I at the hospital?”
He stood up abruptly and walked over to put his big warm hand on my forehead. “You don’t remember?”
It wasn’t a dream. I had actually been in the emergency room. I had taken a pee test. And the woman doctor had told me that I was pregnant.
“I do remember. I'm just fuzzy on the details.”
He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me. “You were in shock.”
I swallowed hard and stared at this huge man. A part of him was growing inside of me in the version of a tiny baby. I felt my heart start to pound. A cold wave washed over my skin and I felt a bit light-headed.
I dropped my face into my hands and struggled to not blurt out my news. I felt his warm hand wrap around the back of my neck. I was in love with this man who didn’t want children. And I was engaged to his brother who was lying in the hospital recovering from a brain injury. My wedding, which I had yet to cancel, was charging towards me at an alarming rate. Jackson would be leaving in a few short weeks. And I was pregnant with the wrong man’s child.
“I feel sick,” I said, my voice muffled.
“Emily, we need to feed you. Your blood sugar levels are probably really low.”
“It’s not that,” I said from beneath my hands.
“What is it?”
I shook my head.
I felt him get off the bed and then he was going through my dresser drawers. He came back with a big sweater and a pair of soft yoga pants. I stood up and under his watchful eye, I pulled them on.
“You go on down,” I said. “I'll be just a minute.”
“You sure?” he looked down at me.
I nodded. Not only did I need to pee, but I needed to gain control over the wild words that kept threatening to blurt out of my mouth.
***
I stood and looked in the mirror of the bathroom. In the light, my bruises were more pronounced than they had been at the hospital. Especially the ones around my neck.
My eyes look wide and a bit wild. I was pregnant. There was a baby growing inside of me. Jackson’s baby. I put my face in a towel and muffled a scream. I wanted a family, but not like this. Not trapping the love of my life into something that he didn’t want. Every single time I had asked Jackson about kids he had been resolute that he did not want them.
I tried to imagine his reaction if I walked downstairs and told him what the doctor had told me. I had a terrible vision of him turning around and walking out of the loft. I would be left here alone. By myself.
My nostrils flared in fear. I was too afraid to be alone right now. I needed to keep my mouth shut. At least a little bit longer. At least until tomorrow. Tonight Jackson would be here for me. I needed him. I needed his safe presence. I would still be pregnant tomorrow. I would tell him then. Surely one day wouldn’t make a difference.
***
I found him downstairs cooking an omelette. I slid onto one of the stools around the island and watched him cook. His jeans were on and dry. Visions of him standing behind me in the shower with his jeans on flashed through my memory.
“Did you use the dryer?”
He looked over his shoulder at me, an amused expression on his face. “Is that okay?”
My head bobbed. “Totally okay.”
He chopped up a salad, and then drizzled my favourite dressing on it before sliding it in front of me with a fork.
“Aren’t you eating?”
“Already ate.”
Suddenly I was ravenous. I couldn’t get that salad into my mouth fast enough. He put the omelette in front of me and then sat across from me, while I dug into that.
“Have you been eating enough?” he asked, watching me eat.
“Yeah, why?”
“You look like you’ve lost some weight.”
“It’s been busy.”
He looked around. “Where is Irene staying?”
I swallowed. “She’s checked into the hotel across from the hospital. She was finding the commute back and forth too strenuous. Being closer, she could go back to her room for a nap when she needed.”
I didn’t mention that since she had turned her back on Jackson our relationship had been on the frosty side.
His big arms were crossed over his hard chest. He nodded. “What else?”
I glanced up at him. “What do you mean?”
“Is everything okay with you and Matt?”
My eyes dropped to my plate. “I needed some space.”
“Your phone has been dinging all day.”
I breathed in hard through my nostrils. “We had a fight and I was avoiding him and Irene. And then today happened.”
“You should text him and let him know you are okay.”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
I didn’t want to think about Matt or Irene. Those two people had consumed every moment of my life for weeks. They had both completely taken over my small world. I just needed a break from them both.
A yawn overtook me.
He stood up and held out his hand. “Time to go back to bed.”
I didn’t argue and I let him lead me back upstairs. “I don’t know how I could still be tired.”
He watched as I pulled off some clothes and then climbed back into bed. I stared up at him. My heart ached so much. He stood looking down at me. Suddenly I was afraid that he would leave.
“Can you lie down with me?” my voice sounded small to my own ears.
For one terrible long moment I thought he would refuse. Then he grabbed his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. “Move over.”
I scooted over and I watched as he kicked off his jeans. Then he was climbing in bed beside me.
“Roll over,” his voice was low.
I curled up on my side, my back to him. A large arm snaked around my waist and then he tugged me back against him, so my back was flush against his warm torso. He curved his huge body against mine so I was lying in a warm Jackson cocoon.
I sighed and snuggled my head into the pillow. I felt him push my hair away from my neck and then I felt his hot breath against my skin.
“Did you lock the door?” I mumbled.
“You’re safe. You can sleep.”
And with those words in my ears, I drifted into a dark peaceful abyss.
Chapter 45
The light of day was hars
h. When I woke up, I was alone in bed. I sat up disoriented. The day before me hit my memory in big chunks. Getting attacked. Finding out I was pregnant. Being taken care of Jackson. Falling asleep in his arms.
My entire body felt stiff. I staggered to the bathroom and peered in the mirror. My eyes were hot and puffy from having cried so hard the day before. The swelling around my lip had subsided, but I was getting the start of a black eye and the bruises around my neck were more pronounced. I looked closer. I could almost see finger prints on my neck. I shuddered. If Jackson hadn’t been there, I would have been murdered yesterday.
Today I needed to end it with Matt and I needed to come clean with Jackson about the baby. I dropped my face into my hands. I was not looking forward to either task.
I showered and made my way downstairs. A bowl of cut fruit waited at the island. There was a note from Jackson, “Took Chloe for a walk.” Beside the note was my phone.
There were over twenty text messages from Matt. All of them variations of the same. He was sorry. He wanted to talk. Was I okay?
I stared into space for a long moment. I had absolutely no desire to see Matt or Irene today.
I texted him back.
Me: Sorry. I should have texted you yesterday. I just needed some space.
Matt: Please come see me today. I need to talk to you.
Me: Okay
I heard two sets of footsteps on the stairs. The door clattered as it slid open. Chloe came running towards me at full tilt.
“Chloe,” I said feeling joy. She put both of her front paws on my legs, smiling her dog smile while I rubbed her face.
Jackson walked towards us. He was carrying a leash. He was assessing me.
I assessed him back. He looked serious and pensive.
“How are you feeling?”
I nodded. “Good.”
The truth was I was slightly queasy but I did feel well rested.
He nodded and walked into the kitchen. I spun around in my seat and watched as he poured himself a glass of water.
“You want to talk about yesterday?”
I shook my head. “Not yet.”
“At some point you are going to need to.”
I couldn’t talk about it until I could think about it. And right now it was buried so deep in my brain behind all the other things I didn’t want to think about, I was barely conscious of it being there.
“Not today.”
He sipped his drink and watched as I picked up my fork and slowly ate my fruit. The silence between us was heavy. I could tell that something was up.
“Your leaving,” I blurted out, voicing my greatest fear.
“I have to fly back to Virginia for a couple days. There is an arbitration that I'm required to attend.”
My heart felt like it was hardening into a chunk of ice. He was leaving.
“For your job?”
“Yes.”
“Are you coming back?”
“I still have my out patient program to finish.”
I blinked at the frustration in his voice. “Jackson why are you an outpatient? Are you sick?”
He snorted. “It’s just a bullshit mandatory process.”
I was sensing that today was not the day that I should bring up the baby. I felt almost giddy with relief that I had reason to avoid that conversation for another day. “You don’t seem that impressed.”
“It’s part of my obligatory COA that I need to do before they will let me back into operations.”
“You have to do this before they let you work?”
He crossed his thick arms. “Yup.”
I had no idea what that meant or why it was happening but I could tell that he was at the end of his patience on the matter. “When do you get back?”
He switched gears. “Are you going to see Matt today?”
I shrugged.
“How’s he doing?”
“Well, he’s able to walk for at least 5 minutes at a time. He hasn’t been sleeping all that good but I'm told that’s part of his brain being hurt. The doctor said it would get better with time. He’s lost weight but his appetite is good.”
“Has his memory come back?”
“Not yet.”
“So he remembers nothing of the past 5 months?”
“No. He’s really sensitive about his memory loss which the doctors also said is normal. They have asked us not to talk about his behavior leading up to the accident because they don’t want him to become agitated or upset.”
“So he doesn’t remember cheating on you or breaking up with you.”
“No.”
“Does that mean he thinks you are still engaged?”
I chewed on my lip. “Yes.”
Silence hung between us.
Then his voice was low and ridiculously gentle. “How are you doing with all of this?”
“It’s weird to pretend that nothing has happened and not talk about it.”
He didn’t speak.
I tried again. “It doesn’t feel real but…”
“But you can’t get honest about it because you aren’t supposed to.”
“Yes.”
He looked around the loft. “You should move into your granny’s place while I'm gone. I don’t like you being out here alone when I'm gone.”
My lips trembled with emotion. I couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving New York. There was only more of this to come. We had only a few weeks left and then he would be gone for good. “Okay.”
“My flight leaves in four hours. Why don’t you pack up and I'll help you move your bags.”
***
Jackson took out the garbage and loaded Chloe’s stuff into my car, while I put together a bag for myself. It would be weird to be back at the penthouse but in a way I was looking forward to it. That place felt more like home than the loft did. After my granny had died, I almost couldn’t bear to be there. But somehow I felt like it would be comforting to be there while Jackson was gone.
I drove to the penthouse and Jackson drove behind me. He followed so close, I could only see the huge grill of his truck in my review mirror. How much was it costing his patience to follow so slowly behind me? That was the difference between us. I did a three point check before I changed lanes. I was cautious and held my steering wheel at two and ten. He barely kept his hands on the steering wheel, much less his eyes on the road. He drove his truck like a bat out of hell and I was the person that double checked to make sure my signal light was on when I was doing a right hand turn. Jackson thumbed danger in the face. I lived to stay safe. I found his courage wildly intoxicating. I had a harder time understanding how he thought I was anything but extremely annoying.
He carried my bags up to the penthouse and then I sat on the couch and waited for him to pack his bags.
He reappeared a few moments later, and my heart stuttered in my chest. He was wearing fatigues. The pants were grey and white military camouflage with built in knee pads and multiple pockets. His shirt was long sleeved and of the same camo pattern. It stretched over his wide shoulders, pronouncing the breadth of his chest. A faded military grade baseball cap was pulled low over his eyes. He looked impossibly tough.
My heart slammed in my chest. Fear seized my throat, making it tough for me to speak. “Are you going to fight?”
He snorted in amusement. “I wish. My flight is military. No civy dress on those flights.”
I let out a big pent up breath. “Oh.”
He picked up his black duffle bag that I knew from experience weighed more than I did. I had a terrible feeling that he wouldn’t return.
“You’re coming back right?” I sounded like a lovesick teenager in angst. But I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“I'll be back on Friday.”
I stood up, anxiously wiping my hands on my pants. I wanted to launch myself at him, cling to him in a pathetic nature but instead I just stood there memorizing every inch of him. The way his long hair licked up beneath his hat. His big black watch that wrapped
around his thick wrist. The shape of his eyes the were shaded by his hat. The hard angular planes of his face. The thickness of his corded neck. The man was absolutely massive.
My hand pressed to my stomach. And this giant of a man had planted his seed inside of me. I broke out in a sweat and swayed on my feet. I was about as petite as one could get. I had a faint thought that this baby might possibly kill me coming out if it took after it’s father.
His eyes narrowed. “Are you okay?”
“Oh yeah. Totally.” I lied through my teeth.
He frowned and stood looking at me.
I worked to school my expression. “Have a good flight.”
We stood there staring at each other. It took all my reserve to not launch myself at him. Finally he nodded curtly and then he turned around and was gone.
Chapter 46
I was walking towards Matt’s room when Irene appeared out of nowhere and grabbed my arm.
“Where were you?”
Even though I had done my best to cover the bruises with makeup, I instinctively touched my neck.
“Hi Irene,” I said.
Her eyes bore into me. “Thanks to you, Matt had two really difficult nights. What did I tell you about not upsetting him?”
I swallowed the fear down my throat. I had spent an entire hour practicing telling Matt that we could no longer get married. If he couldn’t handle me going missing for a day and a half, how was he going to take this news?
“I promise I won’t upset him,” I said, folding inward.
***
I found Matt flirting with a cute nurse.
“Hey, there is my girl,” his smile brightened when I walked into the room.
I took a deep breath and pasted a smile on my face. “Hey there.”
By some unspoken consent, Matt and I did not broach the subject of Jackson or the penthouse. Nor did I mention that I had gotten attacked the day before. I certainly didn’t mention that I had moved into the penthouse. Instead we chatted about nonevents, like his roommate had gone home, and the fire alarm had gone off twice yesterday. He also mused that he thought we should add ten people to the guest list for our wedding.
***
Each night I returned alone to the penthouse. To make myself feel better, I alternated between lying on top of both Jackson’s bed and my granny’s. I practiced countless renditions of telling Matt that it was over and telling Jackson that I was pregnant with his child. I barfed two mornings in a row. Made an appointment to see my GP and the rest of the time I sat listlessly on the patio lost in my own thoughts.
