by Odette Stone
The shock of being pregnant was wearing off and the reality was setting in. I replayed every conversation over with Jackson in which he had told me that he did not want children, looking for any faint clue that he might have been on the fence about the subject and came back to the conclusion that he was absolutely certain he did not want kids. He did not want a family. He did not want a wife.
Financially me and the baby would have no problems, but the more I contemplated being a single mom, the more fear I felt in my heart. How was I going to cope? How would I make all those scary decisions myself? I could barely take care of myself, so on what planet did I think I was capable of taking care of a child?
I was a hundred percent certain that Jackson would want nothing to do with us. And I was even more certain that the moment he found out, he would disappear from my life forever. So to say I was dreading telling him was an understatement. I was a coward, delaying the inevitable. Fear was my number one emotion. A choking clawing fear that gnawed on my insides and left me shaking in terror about the days to come.
I told no one. Instead I went back day after day to the hospital and pretended that I was the happy and blissful fiancé of Matt. I chatted about the wedding with him. Watched TV with him in the big chair beside his bed. I wheeled him down to the cafeteria for lunch one day and dinner the next. The rest of the time I was doing a big countdown to Friday, the day that Jackson would return.
***
Friday came and I spent an inordinate amount of time on my hair and make-up. I even put on a skirt. I had no idea what time Jackson’s flight was coming in, but I procrastinated going to the hospital on the off chance that Jackson would come back before I left.
Finally, mid afternoon, I had no choice but to head to the hospital. Matt’s door was open and I could hear laughter. Matt and Irene. I felt a bit of tension leave my shoulders. With both of them in a good mood, it meant that we would have a good day.
I stepped into the room and stopped short. There sitting on the chair beside Matt’s bed was Jackson. Irene was perched on the end of Matt’s bed. And Matt was laughing and talking to Jackson.
Only Jackson saw me. His gaze flicked to me, but he was smiling at Matt’s story. He was wearing the faded jeans that hugged his hips so perfectly and a basic grey t-shirt stretched over his chest. I thought my heart would pound out of my chest.
Had I stepped into some alternative universe? How was it possible that Jackson had been included back into the family fold again? And why was he allowing it when they had so obviously shunned him only a couple of weeks ago?
Matt turned his head and his smile was huge. “Emily.”
It felt like my face was frozen in shock. “Hi.”
Irene avoided my glance, but Jackson was pinning me with his green gaze.
“I had the most amazing idea,” Matt said, ushering me over. “You’re going to love it.”
“Don’t keep me in suspense.”
“I know you were stressing about walking up the aisle by yourself and then I had the most brilliant idea. I asked Jackson and he agreed.”
I gave Matt a double take. “He agreed to what?”
“Jackson agreed to walk you down the aisle.”
I stared dumbly at the group. My first instinct was to flee. I physically had to refrain myself from backing out of the room. “He did?”
“I, for one, think it is a brilliant idea. Nothing would thrill me more,” Irene jumped in.
I turned my stupid expression to her. “You do?”
“Look at her face, look how much I surprised her,” Matt laughed. “This is priceless.”
My lips felt numb. “How did this come about?”
“I texted Jackson and asked him. He immediately wrote back and said yes. And the rest is history. Did you know that he was in Virginia this week?”
My throat worked convulsively to swallow. “You don’t say.”
I looked at Jackson and he stared back at me, his expression blank. Was he even in there?
“Come on, we’ve been waiting for you to show up. We want to go down to the cafeteria to grab dinner.” Irene rushed to get the wheelchair while Matt unsteadily got to his feet. Jackson stood up and Matt reached out to grab his arm. With his recent weight loss, Matt looked diminutive next to Jackson’s huge frame.
***
I watched as Jackson wheeled Matt down to the cafeteria. It was a weird de ja vu moment. Matt was talking a mile a minute and Jackson was silent and listening. Matt laughed uproariously as Jackson dipped the wheelchair back and tilted it so he was riding on only one wheel.
“Want to tell me what happened?” I asked Irene, who walked silently beside me.
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
By the time we finished dinner, Irene had left for the hotel and it was just Jackson, Matt and I. We watched a rerun of Law and Order on TV, of which I lost the plot about five minutes into the show. My mind was spinning in a hundred different directions.
Irene had kicked Jackson out of the hospital and said that he wasn’t real family. Matt had demanded that I kick Jackson out of the penthouse and told me that he was not welcome in our lives. Now they had both rolled out the red carpet for him. What baffled me even more was that Jackson was open to such overtures. Why would he let them treat him so poorly? It made absolutely no sense. Jackson was a no bullshit kind of guy. He had no tolerance for this kind of crap. Yet, he was a willing participant in this family drama that seemed to have no sincerity or truth to it. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. They were being selfish and unfair to him and he was just taking it. Is this how they treated him when he was a kid? Had he been on the receiving end of such hot and cold treatment his entire life? It was such an infuriating thought, I almost couldn’t contain my rage. I wanted to hurt Matt, but I wanted to hurt Irene more. My heart ached for Jackson who Matt privately referred to as “the charity case.” No wonder Jackson didn’t want a family. He had probably the worst luck of any person when it came to families. Even the family who supposedly rescued him, abused him on some level. It took all my emotional control to sit there and not lose my shit.
The nurse came in and told us that visiting hours were over.
“Jack, can you make sure my girl here gets to her car safe? I would do it myself but I'm pretty sure if something happened she would need to protect me, not the other way around,” Matt joked.
The joke fell a bit flat in light of what had happened only a week earlier, but Jackson took the request seriously. “You bet.”
I walked to the door without looking back at Matt.
“Hey,” he called after me, probably wondering why I wasn’t saying a proper good night.
I ignored his call and started to rapidly walk down the wide hospital corridor.
***
Jackson caught up with me and walked easily beside me. We rode the elevator in silence and when the door slid open I took off towards the big sliding glass doors, not caring if he kept up with me or not. Why would he let Irene and Matt treat him like a second class citizen? Why was he acting like everything was normal and fine when that was the farthest thing from the truth? I needed to get away from him. Clear my head. I absolutely couldn’t speak to him about it right now. I knew whatever I would say would come out all wrong.
“Are you parked in the parking lot?”
“The overflow lot, but you don’t have to walk me there.”
“Show me.”
We walked out into the cool night air. I was so angry for him, I couldn’t speak.
“Something you want to say?”
“No,” I said tersely.
In silence he walked me to my car and without saying a word I got in and started my car. I didn’t offer to drive him back to his truck. In fact, I didn’t even give him a second glance as I peeled out of the lot. I just needed to get away from everyone. I needed time to think and calm down. I certainly didn’t need him following me home.
***
I was two blocks
away, when suddenly a big ass grill showed up in my review mirror.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I yelled at no one in particular. I debated trying to lose him but realized that with my inability to change lanes without shoulder checking, there was no way I would ever manage that. Instead I hunched over my steering wheel seething at the injustice that Irene and Matt were bestowing on Jackson.
Chapter 47
I pulled into my parking stall in the parkade of the penthouse. I jumped out of my car and started rapidly walking towards the elevator, not waiting for Jackson who was still in the process of parking his truck. With luck, I would be already on my way upstairs by the time he got to the elevator.
I was halfway across the parkade when I heard his door slam.
“Something bugging you?” His voice was so relaxed and easy going I thought my blood was going to start boiling. I spun around on my heels and stomped back to him. I walked right up to him and glared up at his face.
“You’re walking me down the aisle?” I spat up at him. “Really? Matt just snaps his fingers and you come crawling?”
His eyes widened with interest. “A couple weeks ago you were pissed when they wanted me gone. I thought you would be happy they were including me in your wedding.”
“Are you upset that I haven’t broken it off with Matt yet?”
“I don’t need to know what your plans are. I have nothing to do with that. You can do whatever you want.”
I flinched. I will admit. That stung. Was it a surprise? No. Still, I needed to bring him back to the point of the fact that Matt and Irene were being cruel. Did he not see that?
I put my hand on my hip. I looked at him with incredulity. “Don’t you see what they’re doing? Why are you putting up with their shit?”
He shrugged. “They’re family.”
“They don’t act like family.”
We eyeballed each other for a long moment. I was so frustrated I turned on my heels and started to walk away.
“Family deserves loyalty.”
In two seconds flat I was back in his face. “Neither of them deserve your loyalty.”
Another long moment ticked between us.
“I'm not loyal to someone because of how they treat me. I'm loyal because of the person I am.”
I went completely still. The image of a young boy, at the mercy of a violent drunk flashed before my eyes. Ted had smashed his bones, terrorized him and abused him in ways no child should ever be abused. That child’s loyalty to Ted had been breathtaking.
Waves of pain washed over me so intensely, I almost couldn’t breathe.
“It’s not right,” I squeezed out of my constricted throat.
“Why are you so upset about this?” his tone was mystified.
“Because you deserve so much better,” I yelled at him. “Because it hurts me to see others hurt you.”
“A bullet hurts. Violence hurts. This…” he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “This is nothing.”
“If this is nothing than why does it feel like my heart is breaking,” I yelled. I pushed past him. I couldn’t let this man see me cry again. I was pretty sure if I cried in front of him one more time he would never talk to me again.
He moved so quick. One second I was walking and the next second he was spinning me around. His mouth came down onto mine. Hot. Savage. Wild. I moaned into his mouth and wrapped my arms around his thick neck. Why did it feel like every time he touched me, I was coming in from the cold? My hands grabbed fingers full of his hair. He immobilized me against the truck. His mouth. It was everywhere. On my neck. On my shoulder. My lips. I was so turned on I couldn't think. All I could do was hang on and feel.
He lifted me up and my legs automatically wrapped around his waist while his mouth continued to assault me. My skirt was bunched up around my waist. His glorious hard body, his excitement, and his arousal only fuelled my own.
He shifted beneath me, and then the rasp of his zipper. His hard fullness was butting up against the thin fabric of my underwear. He reached one hand between my legs and with a strong tug my panties were torn from my hips.
One powerful thrust buried him into me. Beautiful sensations coursed through my entire body. He stood there breathing hard against my neck. I was pinned, literally pinned up against the truck, impaled on him.
He raised his head. His eyes locked with my own as he spoke, “I wish I wanted what you wanted.”
I was panting. Dizzy. Out of my mind with lust. He grabbed the back of my hair and pulled my head back roughly. I stared back at him in a daze.
“I want you to have everything you ever dreamed of. Do you understand?"
I didn't. I didn't understand what he was saying to me. None of this made sense. He stared at me, anger and desire written all over his face. And then, finally he was thrusting into me. Hard. Up against his big black truck. It felt so incredible, so fulfilling, I could only hang on and moan.
Like everything Jackson, he moved with power and endurance. I could feel my entire body getting tighter and tighter. I fought it but I could only hang on so long and then, I let out a long peeled cry. He stilled and watched my face as my entire body shuddered in ecstasy around him. We remained there for a long moment, both of us breathing hard. His hardness still buried in me.
“I don’t want a family or commitment,” he said against my lips, without kissing me. “But Matt does.”
He might as well have stabbed me in the heart.
“Jackson,” I breathed.
“You should marry him,” he said without expression on his face. “He’s a good guy.”
He was still rock hard. He had yet to come but he pulled out of me and lifted me down onto shaking legs. I brushed my skirt down, needing a moment to compose myself. The moment had come. I had to tell him that he was going to be a father. I took a deep breath.
“Please let me talk to you.”
He looked at me for a long moment, and then he said in a clear voice. “I’m not what you want and I certainly am not someone you can fix.”
My mouth dropped open. I watched as he climbed into his truck. Without looking at me, he backed up and then peeled away.
***
On shaking legs I made my way back up to the penthouse. I knew in my heart that he was not coming back here. Jackson was gone.
The sense of loss was so crushing, so devastating, it felt like someone had died. Numb, I sat on the couch in the dark for hours willing him to walk through the door. But he didn’t. Eventually I staggered to his guest room and crawled into his bed. I could faintly smell him in the bed and the familiar scent overwhelmed me on every level. Clutching his pillow around my waist, I wanted to, but I couldn’t cry.
Jackson wasn’t coming back. I felt like there was a black hole in my chest. This feeling was worse than when my parents had been murdered. This darkness and pain was sharper than when my granny had died. I hurt so much inside I wasn’t sure I would survive the night. How was it possible that a human being could endure this much loss? Physically I hurt so much, I was almost certain that my heart would stop beating.
Jackson. I knew from the moment my heart had turned towards this man that this would only end in devastation but I had been powerless to stop myself. Like a plant that faces towards the sun, I had been unable to resist him. I had thought that I knew what losing him would be like. I had tried to mentally and emotionally prepare myself. I thought that the small amount of time I had been given with him would be worth the pain in the long run. I had never been more wrong about anything in my life.
I should have never allowed myself to feel anything for him because the sense of loss I felt right now was so intense, so overwhelming, I was pretty sure I was going to die. My world had forever been changed and now it would never be the same again. Maybe dying of a broken heart would be an easy way out. Living the rest of my days without him would be the real torture. Knowing that he would be out there somewhere in the world and not here with me felt like someone was repeatedl
y stabbing me through the chest. He was a man that was wrong for me on so many levels, but my heart wanted what my heart wanted. And now, stupidly, my heart would never be the same again.
Chapter 48
I stayed away from the hospital for three days. I didn’t take calls. I didn’t answer texts. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I was incapable. I went through the motions of sustaining my life by eating and sleeping and keeping Chloe alive, but that was all I was able to manage. I slept for hours at a time and the rest of my waking time I just sat.
It was like everything up to this point had caught up to me. Everything stressful and bad that had happened to me had been pushed to the background because Jackson had been there to cushion the fall. He had countered everything with his strength and his protective nature and somehow nothing had been insurmountable. Now I felt like I was standing alone, facing an impeding hurricane and my house had up and disappeared on me. I had no shelter, no protection, no where to go. Without Jackson in the background, I felt exposed and unsure of myself.
***
Every single day after that, I was determined to come clean to Matt. I knew that I needed to end our engagement. I wanted to be brave and tell him that it was over for good. But every day that I went to the hospital, there never seemed to be a good time to have that talk. It was easier to just pretend that everything was fine. I hurt so much, it was instinct to hide that pain and in doing so, I just carried on like everything was fine. I wanted to be truthful and real about everything, but the effort was so monumental, I instead busied my mind with the final details of the wedding.
Every morning I woke up and told myself that today was the day that I would talk to Matt. Every night I went to bed ashamed at my own cowardliness.
