31 Days of Winter

by C. J. Fallowfield

  I put my forehead on the cold glass and closed my eyes, then laughed at his insistence on calling Zac “arsehole,” but in fairness he had a point. I straightened up and looked down at my left hand, at the diamond and platinum ring on it that we’d chosen together. I remembered how Zac had promised to take care of me and treat me like a princess, that was so far from what he’d done the last year. I knew what Brooke and Dan were saying was right, I didn’t force him to make the choices he did, he did that. Maybe I didn’t pick up on how stressed and unhappy he was, but it was his choice not to share that with me. I wondered if he’d been using protection with his other women and if he’d been sleeping with them, like Dan suggested, before we’d stopped having sex. I covered my eyes and took in a shaky breath as I thought of the possibility that he might have picked something up and given it to me. I’d been on the pill for years, we’d not used condoms in, forever.

  I sank down onto the floor, sitting back on my heels, as I was hit with the reality that I really didn’t know my fiancé the way I thought I did. He’d used his humour and charm to deflect every question I’d had about why he’d had a stressful day. He always asked what time I’d be home on a Friday, never any other day of the week, just Friday. I’d thought he was being sweet because he wanted to spend time with me, but I realised it was just the opposite, he was making sure what his deadline was for hustling women out and restaging our bed before he left. I bet he didn’t even change the sheets before I climbed in with him each Friday night. In that moment I felt hatred for him, like I’d never felt for anyone before, not even the lorry driver who’d caused my parents accident and killed them outright. I put my hands in my lap and tugged at my ring, but it was firmly wedged behind my knuckle, so I started twisting it and pulling it harder, ignoring how much it hurt. I just wanted it off, it was a symbol of everything we didn’t have any more, and everything I could never see myself wanting with him again.

  I yelped in pain as I tugged at it again, then scrambled up and opened the front door and ran down to the edge of the water and plunged my hand into it. The cold numbed it and stopped the throbbing. I kept it there as long as I could bear before heading back in and rubbing washing up liquid all around my reddened knuckle and winced as the soap stung where I’d taken a layer of skin off, but with more twisting and tugging I finally got it off and hurled it across the room. I heard it bounce off the stone wall, somewhere over by the pool table as I screamed in frustration and anger.

  Day Eight

  Ellie

  By the time I got back from my run it had started to snow and I was shivering, so I soaked in the bath to warm up then dried myself off. I couldn’t face food, I felt sick to my stomach that I might have some disease, that I might somehow be infected all because my lying, cheating … arsehole of a fiancé couldn’t keep his hands off other women, when he had no problem at all keeping them off me. I went over to stand in front of the full length mirror and forced myself to really look at my naked reflection, trying to see what was wrong with me.

  All my life I’d been told I was beautiful, and not just by family and friends. My cheekbones were defined, I had a perfect small straight nose, full lush lips and my vivid green eyes were framed by long dark lashes. Lashes that I was starting to realise didn’t need three layers of mascara, neither did my porcelain skin need to be covered in foundation to make it slightly darker. Being here for only a few days had made me realise I didn’t need all that makeup. If a man like Dan found me attractive without, that was affirmation enough. I always kept my long natural ash blonde hair in good condition and I didn’t need validation that my body was in perfect shape. Men couldn’t keep their eyes off my body. So what the hell had gone wrong? What had made Zac turn from me and into the arms of other women?

  I cooked for him, I kept the apartment spotless, we went out to eat, drink and dance, and had fun. We took regular weekend city breaks and an annual two week holiday in some really expensive resorts in far flung places. In the early years he couldn’t keep his hands off me, and it was him that had made me realise that I was desirable. He’d given me so much confidence that it seemed perverse that it was now him that had nearly shattered it all. I decided that it wasn’t me, it had to be him. I may never know the reason why and I was going to have to learn to deal with that if I ever wanted to have a relationship again. I sighed, shook my head and grabbed the soft white dressing gown off the back of the bathroom door and tied it around me, rubbing the soft fabric against my cheek. It had come as part of the “package” and I dreaded to think what the owner had lost financially in letting me stay here, instead of in the boathouse. I drank two cups of coffee before checking if there were any signs of life at the boathouse and decided as it was already ten, I wouldn’t be waking him up if I rang.

  ‘Morning Ellie, are you ok?’ he asked as he answered on the second ring. His voice was even more comforting than this luxury gown I was wrapped up in.

  ‘No, not really.’

  ‘I’m so sorry about last night, I seem to keep upsetting you without even trying.’

  ‘No Dan, it wasn’t you, please don’t blame yourself. You just said it how it was, black and white. I need to face reality. I’m ringing because I really need to do something today and wondered if you were able to take me somewhere?’

  ‘Ask me.’

  ‘I want to go and get tested at an STD clinic,’ I cringed as I said it. The potential man of my dreams was now going to be thinking of me as some diseased slut. He stayed silent for a second.

  ‘Do you think there’s a chance that you might have caught something?’

  ‘I don’t know, we used condoms to start and I’ve never been unfaithful, but now I … I just don’t know if Zac … O God. What if he didn’t use protection with those hookers?’ I whispered as I dropped my forehead into my hand, holding the phone to my ear with the other. I felt scared, angry and mortified all at the same time.

  ‘When did you last have sex with him?’ Dan asked and I was sure I could hear a shake of anger in his voice. It was my turn to go silent for a while, was I really going to confess this to him, of all people? I’d just told him that my last boyfriend preferred prostitutes, I may be infected and now he was going to know that when I lived with someone I hadn’t done it in forever. He was going to think I must be really crap in bed. ‘Ellie, when did you last have sex?’ he demanded.

  ‘New Year’s Eve,’ I whispered.

  ‘New Year’s Eve?’ he exclaimed, the surprise evident in his voice.

  ‘It’s been a dry spell,’ I groaned as I squeezed my eyes shut, just wanting to die.

  ‘But that’s nearly a year ago.’

  ‘Yes, thanks for stating the obvious,’ I responded with a roll of my eyes, not needing the reminder.

  ‘But he’s your fiancé. You were living with him.’

  ‘It’s not been the best of years for our relationship and he never initiated sex so I … do we really have to talk about this?’

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m just … You’re telling me he stopped wanting you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I sighed as I heard him take a sharp inhalation.

  ‘Arsehole,’ he spat down the phone. ‘Him, not you.’

  ‘Do you have to keep calling him that?’

  ‘Well, he is. I mean look at you Ellie, you’re … you’re stunning, your body’s …’ I heard him suck in through his teeth as my stomach started fluttering. ‘You’re the personification of every man’s wet dream, Ellie. How could he be that close to you every night and not want you physically?’

  ‘You seem to be managing ok,’ I whispered as my mouth went dry. Dan really felt that strongly about me?

  ‘Trust me Ellie, I’m not. I’m not managing at all. Being this close to you, knowing you want me too … it’s fucking hard,’ he groaned as he reflected back exactly how I was feeling about him.

  ‘It is for me too,’ I confirmed. God damn it, what was wrong with two single people with off the charts attraction just giving into their des
ires and fucking wildly?

  ‘Did he refuse when you asked or tried to initiate things between you?’

  ‘Yes, he always had a headache or he was too tired.’

  ‘Fucking arsehole.’ He almost yelled it, and it was laced with venom this time. I chuckled to myself, I seriously hoped Zac wouldn’t find out where I was and come looking, as I had a feeling Dan would eat him for breakfast.

  ‘Yeah, he is, isn’t he? But it doesn’t make me feel any better about all of this.’

  ‘I told you he didn’t deserve you, Ellie. As a species men are pretty shit at not realising what’s important in life.’

  ‘You treated someone badly once too?’

  ‘So you weren’t using protection with him anymore?’

  ‘No, I didn’t think I needed to as I’m on the pill.’ I realised he’d totally ignored my question, I know we’d agreed that he’d only talk about the things he wanted to, but I was getting beyond curious. I wanted to know everything about him, his background, why he was here in the middle of nowhere, but most of all why he was single. For God’s sake, a man like that, with that face, voice, body, and pure male sex appeal should never be single. ‘So, is there a clinic you can take me to?’

  ‘I can’t come with you I’m afraid, but I can drop you off in the town on my way out and pick you up later. Would that be ok?’

  ‘Yes. Thank you.’

  ‘Can I do anything for you now?’ he asked softly. I could think of a million things I’d love for him to do to me right now, but we’d already agreed they weren’t an option.

  ‘No thanks,’ I sighed. ‘I’ll be fine.’

  ‘Come to me for quarter to one and dress warmly, the forecast’s for heavy snow for the next week. If you think you need anything I’d buy it today in case we get cut off for a while.’

  ‘Ok, I’ll see you in a while.’ I smiled. I couldn’t help it, I just felt happier when I had him in my line of sight, even if I couldn’t do anything about it. I headed up and got dressed in my thermal leggings and pulled my jeans over the top, a thermal vest and thick black jumper and got out the boots I’d purchased specially. I sorted out my scarf, gloves and a wool beanie hat ready to grab when it was time to go, then went and sat at the desk. So much for writing every day, I thought as I looked at my laptop. I opened my iPad and smiled to see a message from Brooke.

  You realise you ask how Maisie is, more than you ask how I’m doing, right? But you totally made up for it by telling me you’re looking forward to our nights out and some seriously great sex, I knew I’d swing you to the girl side sooner or later ;-) Speaking of, I’ve been a naughty girl :-( Well naughty, but very nice!! I’ll fill you in on that tomorrow over wine. You’re seriously writing a novel about two gay guys’ sex lives? That’s one book I won’t be reading, thanks! xx

  I looked up out of the window at the falling snow and was stunned again at the view. I took a picture and attached it to Brooke’s reply.

  You didn’t tell me about Maisie again, Brooke Hanson! I’m starting to worry that you’ve hurt her. Please let me know she’s ok, and if she’s not I’d rather know as it’s not like I can shout at you in person, is it? I’ve invited Dan to come for dinner every night, so we both have some company. Christ, he can eat like a horse. I made enough meatballs for four or five meals and with the exception of my portion he ate the lot. I’m going to have to get more food in and some industrial sized pots ;-) I’m leaving the island today to go to a local town so I’ll send you an update later. xx

  As I was just putting the iPad to sleep another email came in, from the Captain.

  HR have drawn up the proposed contract for you, I think you’ll find it’s a very generous package. I have taken your comments under advisement and am pleased to report that Natasha no longer flees from my office, but merely exits at a quick pace. Please make sure you think very carefully while you’re away Ellie, I really don’t want to lose you and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you how essential you are to the company more often. I notice that you haven’t cashed your bonus cheque yet, if you need a replacement please let me know. John.

  I opened the attachment and stared at the first page of the contract where the salary and benefits sections were and gulped harder than when I’d watched Dan shirtless chopping wood. I leaned back in the chair and stared out of the window, shell shocked. It was a few minutes before I looked back at the screen to double check I’d read the figures right. He was offering a salary increase of £25,000, a company car, private medical and dental benefits, an additional week’s holiday entitlement and the option for me to work from home and claim expenses for entertainment of my clients, all on the condition that I attended the monthly partners meetings at our office or any others as and when required. It was a seriously good offer. If John could keep his moods in check and it wasn’t working out with my writing, I’d be hard pressed to find a reason not to accept, plus that extra money would mean that I could get a mortgage and buy myself somewhere small in the city. I sent him a response.

  Thank you for your email and kind words and I agree, it is a very generous offer and I’m extremely grateful. I promise that I’ll think about it very carefully and come to see you in person to give you my decision as soon as I return to London in January. I don’t require a replacement bonus cheque, thank you. I hope you won’t be offended but I’m afraid I can’t accept the one you offered given the circumstances. I’m glad to hear that Natasha is now walking, rather than fleeing and I hope that you can continue the good work. If I return it would be nice to call you John, rather than Captain Cranky. I hope that things are ok for you at home, I understand only too well what a negative impact that can have on your life. Take care, give my best to the team and I’ll see you in the New Year. Happy Christmas, Ellie.

  I’d need to read the fine print on that contract if I was going to seriously consider it, so I was going to need to find a cheap printer from somewhere. The snow was really coming down and sticking, and the shoreline had a white blanket over it already. I decided to dress up now and go out and take some pictures, it was too pretty to miss. I took my bag with me and laughed as I felt the snow crunching under my feet. Christmas was less than two weeks away, and it would be amazing to be up here if the snow stuck, my perfect Christmas fantasy come true.

  I walked carefully around the shore to my right, following my usual running track which was barely visible under the white. The pictures on the iPad were coming out really well, so well I’d probably turn some of them into canvasses for my new place. I checked my watch, I needed to head back to meet Dan and cursed when I felt a flurry of excitement at the thought of seeing him again. I needed this guy out of my system, fast, along with this totally inappropriate crush. I took a picture of the boathouse as I approached it, smoke curling out of the chimney stacks, it could pass for Santa’s Grotto. I carefully made my way up onto the jetty and crouched down to take a picture of it jutting into the water before the snow was ruined by our feet, then headed right to the end and turned to take a picture of the boathouse from the front. I stood up and flicked through the photo’s I’d taken and smiled as I looked back up and saw Dan watching me. He was leaning on his door frame, ankles crossed holding a mug of coffee with a serious look on his face and his stubble was back.

  ‘Why so grumpy?’ I called.

  ‘It’s going to get difficult.’ It was my turn to frown, I thought we’d agreed that we’d make an effort to be friends and he was quitting already? ‘Because of the weather,’ he added with a nod to the sky.

  ‘You’ve been here when it’s snowy before?’

  ‘Yes, it’s unusual for there not to be snow for most of December and January up here.

  ‘How long have you lived up here?’

  ‘Just over three years.’

  ‘Locally?’

  ‘Yes, close by.’

  ‘You couldn’t have stayed where you were and come over when the tenants needed you?’

  ‘No. We need to get going. Don’t you have
a proper coat?’ He frowned as he looked me up and down over the rim of his mug.

  ‘This is a proper coat,’ I replied looking down at my wool jacket, belted at the waist.

  ‘It’s not waterproof. I’ll get you one of mine,’ he turned on his heel and disappeared inside and I walked over and stood on the veranda.

  ‘I’m fine honestly, I’m really warm and I’ll be indoors while I’m out.’

  ‘You realise the last part of that sentence made no sense?’ he chuckled as he reappeared. ‘Why are you standing outside?’

  ‘You didn’t invite me in.’

  ‘Are you a vampire?’ he cocked an eyebrow and looked at me with a smile on his face.

  ‘No, don’t tell me that you watch The Vampire Diaries?’

  ‘The what?’

  ‘Do you even own a television?’ I laughed.

  ‘No. Would you please come in and close the door, you’re letting the snow in and the heat out.’

  ‘So what do you do at night?’ I asked as I stepped in and closed the door.

  ‘I mostly read.’

  ‘Mostly read?’

  ‘You ask a lot of questions,’ he observed as he watched me undo my belt. I was trying to regulate my breathing, I could see what he was thinking as he was watching me and the temperature in this enclosed space had shot up several degrees in seconds.

  ‘If I didn’t ask questions would you tell me anything about yourself?’

  ‘Another question?’ he smirked.

  ‘Another avoidance?’ I smirked back as I unbuttoned my coat. My eyes ran over his chest, he was in a navy cable knit jumper with a white and navy flannel checked shirt underneath, and very dark navy jeans with a pair of timberland boots. He was so rugged and outdoorsy, so unlike the men in London that I was used to seeing who were always in suits and immaculately styled, but it did nothing to dampen my desire for him, if anything it made him more appealing.